Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches!

When Post introduced the new Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, I realized I no longer had a use for Sally (not her actual name, because I can’t pronounce her real name), the 8-year-old illegal immigrant Chinese girl I paid $1 a month to separate the bunches from my Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Believe me it was worth the dollar to separate the flakes and the bunches in the cereal, because the bunches are the best part — they have all the flavor.

Some of you might be appalled by my blatant ignoring of child labor laws, but I will tell you that I treated Sally much better than she would have been treated in China. Not only did I pay her a dollar a month, I also let her eat all the Honey Bunches of Oats flakes she could eat, since I wasn’t eating them, but she had to provide her own milk, because I’m not a cow. I also taught her English by making her work in front of a television throughout the day. So far, she can say pretty well, “Survey says…” and “Come on down! You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right!”

When I showed Sally the box of Just Bunches! cereal and told her she was free to leave, she smiled and said, “cao ni zuzong shiba dai wonang fei” which at the time I thought it meant “thank you very much” in Chinese, but later found out that it really means, “Go fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation, loser.”

The Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal looks like I took a granola bar out of a hippie’s hands and beat them with it, causing the bar to break down into small pieces. The box it comes in is Grape Nuts-ish, which means it’s significantly smaller than most other cereal boxes because the cereal doesn’t take up much space, just like brains in the skulls of all contestants who are hoping to find love through a reality show. Because the bunches take up less space, I’m unable to determine what’s a good serving size without hauling out measuring cups. According to the box, there are eight 2/3 cup servings per box, but it took me four normal-to-me-sized bowls to eat all of it.

The cereal has a sticky, sweet smell and its caramel taste seemed very artificial, but neither of those were the most disturbing attributes of the Caramel Just Bunches! cereal. What was unsettling was its unnatural crunchiness after sitting in milk for ten minutes; its ability to turn skim milk brownish, a little thicker, and gross; and the use of a fucking exclamation point in its name. It’s a cereal, not a fucking energy drink.

As you can tell, I didn’t really care for the Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, but there’s also a version with honey roasted bunches, just like the ones I paid Sally pick out, so maybe those will be better, but if not, I need to go find Sally and give her a 25 cent raise to encourage her to come back.

(Nutrition Facts – 2/3 cup – 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 135 milligrams of potassium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 25 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and one less illegal immigrant.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jessica for recommending the Just Bunches! cereal. She now owes me protection from child labor laws.)

Item: Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches!
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 17 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk. Vitamins and minerals. Monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fat. 4 grams of fiber. Paying someone a dollar per month to separate the bunches and the flakes in Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Learning English through game shows.
Cons: Very artificial caramel flavor. Sticky, sweet smell. Turns milk gross. Enough in box for only four manly-sized bowls. Unnecessary use of an exclamation point in its name. Ignoring child labor laws.

16 thoughts on “Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches!

  1. I actually just tried these a few days ago as well. When I saw the commercials for these, I was so excited that one of my many dreams had finally come true. Unfortunately, I did try the regular honey version, and it will probably be pretty much on the same line as the one you tried. :( Sometimes it’s better when you have to work (or hire work) to separate your own honey bunches. When it comes to you in a box, it just doesn’t taste as great anymore.

  2. I seem to be one of the rare individuals that doesn’t love really, really crunchy cereal. Why put it in milk at all people? Have a glass of milk on the side and enjoy that dry crunchiness.

    Generally one to two minutes is enough to soften it up a little before it gets too mushy, but clearly that doesn’t work with this cereal. I think I’ll stick with my honey nut cheerios.

  3. I like all of the regular bunches, but I’m especially fond of the ones with almonds. I like it with the flakes, too. Does that make me half-corny?

  4. eh, I don’t know, I think the part I like about Honey Bunches of Oats is actually the variety… the fact that there are not just the “bunches”, but also the flakes.

    Meh, different strokes for different folks.

  5. I wouldn’t care about this except for the turning the milk into sludge. That’s gross. But turning it brown isn’t so bad, because Cocoa Krispies does the same thing, and you end up drinking sweet chocolate milk.

    Sally should teach you more phrases like that.

  6. Ace*, you bastard. By taking illegal immigrant children away from the sweat shops they ought to be occupying, you are greatly diminishing the quantity and quality of shoes angry bob can buy to throw at the local kids who should be working in sweat shops, but are always walking by angry bob’s place, looking in his windows, and going home crying to their mommies who call the police and tell them angry bob has a bunch of dead hookers in the basement. One of them was still breathing you lying little bedwetter.

    * angry bob is trying to compensate for all the people who call Ace Marvo.

  7. i bought this cereal and it was AWESOME. taste, sustainability in milk, etc. all the hallmarks of a good cereal.

    problem is–and i’m not kidding–it gave me UNHOLY gas problems. not necessarily foul-smelling gas, but i was farting every 5 minutes for a good 7 hours after i ate this stuff.

    and unfortunately; this wasn’t an isolated incident, as my wife will attest to.

    still, it will not dissuade me from buying and feasting upon this luscious cereal in the future. just make sure you somewhere that will not mind you blowing ass or at least making faces when you have to hold it in. believe me, the gas will come…

  8. They should call this stuff Shitty Bunches of shit wow is this stuff gross. Turns the milk sticky and thick

    This is one BAD TRIP MAN

    p.s. when i went to the bathroom a day later it came out like machine gun fire. Like I was private Ryan under fire

  9. “Stays crunchy in milk” was enough to sell me, but then I read that it makes milk “brown and thick”. That sounds like…

  10. @Chuck – Nah, mail order brides are too expensive, plus once they get their green card, they are going to look for someone younger.

    @Shannon – Try it, you might like it… or it might make you cry.

    @Danalyn – I would like to suggest you makes the strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla flavors together and make a Neapolitan Honey Bunches of Oats.

    @Heidi – Yes, hard work does make things better, but making someone else do the hard work is even greater.

    @armauld – B-B-B-ut that’s what the commercials tell us to do. Tony the Tiger says it’s great when we add milk.

    @Nevis – You should’ve seen the bowl after it was sitting around for 10 minutes.

    @Reprobate – No, that just makes you normal.

    @stephanie – You are free to laugh at this review. You are free to laugh at me. Unless you’re in China, then it’s a whole different story.

    @Noble Arc, The Lazy Canadian – I not only like Honey Bunches of Oats for their bunches, I also like them because it seems like a happy medium between healthy cereals and sugary kids cereals.

    @Brie – I will tell you that the brown it turned into wasn’t that pretty.

    @angry bob – You do make a good point there, since China limits the number of children a family can have. Well, I hope she found her way back and is making a bunch of crap that we can find at Wal-Mart.

    @idiot dentist – Wait, women fart?

    @Neil – Oh, I hope you didn’t get any backsplash from that machine gun fire.

    @dramastically – Nope, my imagination can’t figure out what that sounds like.

  11. 500 calories for 2 little servings? damn yo ill just skip it and eat a piece of stuffed crust pizza and have a beer. same amount.

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