Trident Xtra Care

The new Trident Xtra Care gum is like Viagra for teeth because it makes them hard and able to handle daily pounding if taken at least three hours in advance. I’ve been chewing it for the past few weeks, so I think my teeth are nice and hard. Whatever comes my way, I’m going to pound them hard. I’m going to pound them in the front with my incisors, then I’m going to pound them in the back with my molars, then I’m going to pound them on the side with my canines, and then we’re going to do it all over again until I’m through.

The Viagra-like substance in it that makes teeth hard is a patented ingredient called Recaldent, a unique form of calcium, that’s absorbed right into the tooth, strengthening areas attacked by plaque acids, helping replace minerals in weakened tooth enamel, and ensuring your teeth can withstand an all-day, all-night pounding session. The downside of Recaldent is that it’s derived from milk, so if you’re allergic to milk (not lactose intolerant) and chew on this gum, I suggest you get to a hospital soon after.

According to the Trident website, their Xtra Care gum has been clinically proven to rebuild, protect, and strengthen teeth. So this gum basically has the ability to turn your teeth into the regenerative Claire Bennet from Heroes, except not as hot (Wait…She’s 18, right? She is? Good.) and pictures of them won’t end up on The Superficial with witty comments.

Since I’m not a scientist, dentist or passed any of my college science classes with anything greater than a C, there’s no way I could ever truly find out if Recaldent has the ability to strengthen teeth. I’m just a jackass with a computer and an ability to sometimes type better than a monkey, so I’ll just have to take their word for it. Although I could try to test my teeth strength by catching a bullet with them or biting the Orbit gum girl who says I have a dirty mouth.

Trident Xtra Care gum comes in two flavors: Peppermint and Cool Mint. They’re both minty, but not pound-the-mouth-minty-fresh, like most minty gums I prefer to chew, which give me a cooling sensation that feels like I’m sucking on a huge piece of cocktail ice. When I first put the Xtra Care gum in my mouth, it seemed softer than most others I’ve had, but as time went on it ended up like all the others and got a little hard, so I had to take it out of my mouth. Because of its mild minty flavor, it’s a gum I wouldn’t reach for if I wanted fresh breath, but again its main draw isn’t its flavor, it is its ability to help maintain healthy teeth, which I hope it does because I’m going to go brush my teeth with sugar and rinse it out with a chocolate milkshake.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 15 minutes of hard pounding.)

Item: Trident Xtra Care
Price: $1.49
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sugarless. Low calorie. Fat free. Recaldent has been clinically proven to rebuild, protect, and strengthen teeth, making it the Viagra for teeth. Brushing teeth with sugar. Rinsing sugar with a chocolate milkshake. Being able to handle all-day, all-night pounding from the front, back, and side. Hayden Panettiere.
Cons: Not powerfully minty, like most gum. Comes in only two flavors. Can’t really determine if it’s doing any good, unless you go to the dentist. Can’t be consumed by those who are allergic to milk. I sometimes type better than a monkey. Season 2 of Heroes.

14 thoughts on “Trident Xtra Care

  1. Aww..That’s too bad, I like my gum to be so minty it feels like I’m gnawing on a glacier. However, not having rotten teeth will help me with my glacier gnawing for years to come.

  2. You could also just pull out your teeth and replace them with chunks of this gum… Imagine! Your mouth would be minty fresh all the time. And when you try to chew your food, you would be chewing gum too. Then you can replace your teeth afterwards with any gum flavor you want. Brilliant!

  3. Heidi…isn’t there already a gum that can replace teeth already? Chiclets, I believe. I saw it in the movie version of Dennis the Menace. *sigh*…those were the days, weren’t they? I miss Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon. *sigh*

  4. Can we find the root product or moment when gum companies started pretending that buying their products was an essential part of your daily tooth care?

  5. Sure, Jon. I think it started with those ridiculous brush ups, the portable toothbrush you slip on a finger. Stupid concept, but I loved that commercials where everybody went “Ah!” and did that thing with their hands.

    Nah, seriously, I think it started with breath freshner strips.

  6. Oh wait, no. It started when that damn 5th dentist wouldn’t cave on Trident. Sorry about that. Damn 5th dentist. I loved those Trident commercials on why he didn’t cave, though.

  7. Damn dentists, taking all the pleasure of gum chewing away and replacing it with a product that’s good for your teeth. I’ll probably stick with Cinnamon Altoids gum.

  8. @Reprobate – Would also help the teeth of crackheads as well.

    @armauld – Just don’t get your tongue stuck to the glacier.

    @Heidi – This gum is too soft to be teeth. I would have to get all my meals through a straw.

    @Meshie – I know. They were too lazy to put the “E” in front of Xtra.

    @Nhiro – Yeah, I’m pretty spent after all that pounding.

    @NobleArc, The Lazy Canadian – Yeah, I try to avoid aspartame, but recently I’ve been drinking a lot of diet soda.

    @Jon – I say it started when it was important to have all of our teeth.

    @Alisha – 15 minutes is all I need…actually, I only need 30 seconds.

    @Chuck – I say stick with Cinnamon Altoids gum. They taste better and the tin they come in would make a great container for toothpicks or a home for a silkworm.

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