Subway Chicken Pizziola

Ah…Subway, the only chain restaurant publicly endorsed by a formerly fat guy. I especially love their new marketing gimmick advertising the $5 footlong where everyone shows five fingers and then parts their hands about a foot apart. But I think that we all know what that “foot long” really represents: the male wang. And is it mere coincidence that the average wang is around 5 inches? I think not and I’m damn proud to say I have an average phallus. But you didn’t come here to hear me rant about male phallus conspiracies or penis euphemisms.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola sub supposedly fuses the awesome powers of chicken and pizza flavors. Of course, when you consider that Subway uses bland chicken and isn’t a pizza shop whatsoever, well, expectations fall flatter than a flaccid wang. It also doesn’t help that the full 12 inches is packing enough salt to kill a platoon of tough snails and has 32 grams of fat, which is probably why Jared isn’t anywhere near this sandwich. God bless his tiny little khakis.

This toasted sandwich comes standard with one of their breads, chicken, pepperoni slices, a cheese, and a marinara sauce as well as any extra toppings. I had mine outfitted with black olives, green peppers, and red onions. The marinara sauce was a little too sweet and overpowering, dominating the bland chicken and weak pepperoni slices. The fact that its papery condom came with red oily streaks is also a bit of a downer. Still, the bread was decent (certainly better than the kind that comes with a twisty tie or a plastic toe tag) and retained its toasty crunch after a short transport from the Subway to my cubicle at work. The veggie add-ons also provided some crunch and kept some of their flavor, thanks to the cheese’s protective barrier. It also helps that this sandwich is big enough to silence a hungry sex machine with a real footlong and it’s only five bucks before taxes.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola is not a bad sandwich, but certainly not a good one either. I think I’ll stick with their chicken bacon ranch footlong as my default Subway sandwich for the time being, even if it’s packing enough fat to shrink my wang into the folds of my flesh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 880 calories, 32 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 160 milligrams of cholesterol, 3040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 61 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Chicken Pizziola
Price: $5.30
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big enough to satisfy a hungry sex machine. Being proud of having an average “footlong” Penis euphemisms. The awesome powers of pizza and chicken, tiny khakis, and sex machines. $5.
Cons: Male phallus conspiracies. Overpowering sweet tomato sauce. Bland chicken. Weak pepperoni. 3,040 milligrams of sodium. Flaccid and shrinking wangs.

28 thoughts on “Subway Chicken Pizziola

  1. So eating a Subway footlong is like eating a penis?? Hmmm No wonder I love Subway soo much!! lol I opt for the healthier subs though. My favorites would be the ham or roast beef

  2. “. . .enough salt to kill a platoon of tough snails and ”

    You made me literally LOL !

    The sub sounds pretty good, especially if it’s the sauce used in the meatball marinara.

  3. I personally prefer comparing the meatball sub to male genitalia. They’re a foot long and have 6 to 8 balls. They’re clearly the manliest of the subs.

  4. What can I say? You’re reviewing a pizza sub and you manage to sneak in a reference to Marvo’s flaccid wang? You’re going to fit in perfectly!

  5. words cut and pasted… “Fat , foot-long,- five finger, phallus, penis, flavors,– full. 12 inches,– outfitted,hungry sex machine,– real, foot-long, wang”

    — Yep, you will work out just fine.

  6. OMG SCREAMS! Congratulations on being an Impulsive Buy reviewer! I am way more excited about this than I should be. Finally, one of the masses has joined the ranks of the superiors!

    Now, something that is actually on topic — that thing you ordered looks really, really bad… I would compare it to something gross but I think it would be too much. Also, I think the picture speaks for itself and doesn’t need anything added on top of it.

  7. Yay Reprobate!! You had me lol-ing at work! What we don’t know is Jared’s cholesterol is through the roof and that he will need a triple bypass in 10 years after all that salt.. Yuck.

    I usually stick to 6″ tuna subs.. not sure what that says about me, but the rest of their stuff is yucky!!

    Good job!!

  8. I used to order this when they had commercials for it about 5 years ago. I forgot about it over time, it’s a pretty good sandwich from what I recall.

  9. wow… yep, “flaccid” really is the perfect word to describe that sandwich. nice picture…. it’s a little sad that it doesn’t taste like pizza.

    you should review some quizno’s subs! they’re so yummy! and probably much worse for you than subway’s subs… i never checked. (i just had the steakhouse beef dip today. the sodium count is probably really high… oh well.)

    and YAY, nice review. it fit in perfectly with what i’ve come to expect from TIB, and i’m a new reader too.

  10. I apologize but not only does that sandwich look really nasty (just in terms of the splooge of blood like materials oozing out) but you manage to ruin it further by putting olives, green peppers and onions on it. I think those three have to be the most foul combination of vegetables on a sandwich that I have ever heard of.

    My sandwiches are super boring though; I just go for lettuce, tomatoes and black pepper. Perhaps some mayonnaise on occasion.

    By the way, it bugs the hell out of me when people don’t pluralize when they ask for vegetables. Not that you did it, but when people do it I want to jam the oil and vinegar bottles into their eyes and scream “tomatoes!”

  11. angry bob is confused. Is he supposed to refer to you as Marvo, like everybody does with Ace, as Ace, like old people do to annoy kids, or just Maurice?

  12. I always enjoyed your comments, so congrats on becoming a reviewer!

    [Yes, I’m one of those creepy fucks who always reads this site but rarely comments…a lurker, if you will.]

  13. Love the blog/column but, can we ixnay the sex and male appendage references? They really don’t add anything, guys … and the rest is pretty informative and clever.

    Just a humble thought.

  14. The other day I stood in line at a Subway and planned on ordering this, but decided if I’m going to eat something that starts with the letter p-i-z-z, it should end with an A and not with an i-o-l-a.

  15. Reprobate, you have now set the standard for your reviews! Keep up the good work.

    Now on to my usual shitty comments…

    That sammich looks like it could use a few gauze pads and a tampon or two. The idea sounds really good but I have a feeling that subway will really mess this up.

  16. Hello new person! I am most impressed that you were able to even take a bite of that thing, it looks like someone puked on some rotten roadkill.

  17. “But you didn’t come here to hear me rant about male phallus conspiracies or penis euphemisms.”

    ^^this is not true.

  18. This is a very good sandwich. I tried it without the “extras” such as lettuce etc. Easier to eat than the meatball sandwich, which I would not eat because it was so awkward to eat. By the way, your picture in this article does nothing to make anyone want to eat one. It doesn’t look like that at all, but rather a meatball sandwich with chicken instead.

  19. Congratulations and good luck, Reprobate! I look forward to more penis euphemisms in your future reviews. I tried this sandwich the other day for lunch, and I must say the footlong did get me more excited than any other 5-inch I’ve had this year.

  20. This just looks really yucky and especially since I stopped eating at Subway. You see, several months ago I ate a meatball sub purchased from my local Subway. The next day I was sick to my stomach and had bright, candy apple red diarrhea. Scary, huh? No more Subway for me.

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