Subway Chicken Pizziola

Ah…Subway, the only chain restaurant publicly endorsed by a formerly fat guy. I especially love their new marketing gimmick advertising the $5 footlong where everyone shows five fingers and then parts their hands about a foot apart. But I think that we all know what that “foot long” really represents: the male wang. And is it mere coincidence that the average wang is around 5 inches? I think not and I’m damn proud to say I have an average phallus. But you didn’t come here to hear me rant about male phallus conspiracies or penis euphemisms.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola sub supposedly fuses the awesome powers of chicken and pizza flavors. Of course, when you consider that Subway uses bland chicken and isn’t a pizza shop whatsoever, well, expectations fall flatter than a flaccid wang. It also doesn’t help that the full 12 inches is packing enough salt to kill a platoon of tough snails and has 32 grams of fat, which is probably why Jared isn’t anywhere near this sandwich. God bless his tiny little khakis.

This toasted sandwich comes standard with one of their breads, chicken, pepperoni slices, a cheese, and a marinara sauce as well as any extra toppings. I had mine outfitted with black olives, green peppers, and red onions. The marinara sauce was a little too sweet and overpowering, dominating the bland chicken and weak pepperoni slices. The fact that its papery condom came with red oily streaks is also a bit of a downer. Still, the bread was decent (certainly better than the kind that comes with a twisty tie or a plastic toe tag) and retained its toasty crunch after a short transport from the Subway to my cubicle at work. The veggie add-ons also provided some crunch and kept some of their flavor, thanks to the cheese’s protective barrier. It also helps that this sandwich is big enough to silence a hungry sex machine with a real footlong and it’s only five bucks before taxes.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola is not a bad sandwich, but certainly not a good one either. I think I’ll stick with their chicken bacon ranch footlong as my default Subway sandwich for the time being, even if it’s packing enough fat to shrink my wang into the folds of my flesh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 880 calories, 32 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 160 milligrams of cholesterol, 3040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 61 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Chicken Pizziola
Price: $5.30
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big enough to satisfy a hungry sex machine. Being proud of having an average “footlong” Penis euphemisms. The awesome powers of pizza and chicken, tiny khakis, and sex machines. $5.
Cons: Male phallus conspiracies. Overpowering sweet tomato sauce. Bland chicken. Weak pepperoni. 3,040 milligrams of sodium. Flaccid and shrinking wangs.

28 thoughts to “Subway Chicken Pizziola”

  1. Reprobate, you have now set the standard for your reviews! Keep up the good work.

    Now on to my usual shitty comments…

    That sammich looks like it could use a few gauze pads and a tampon or two. The idea sounds really good but I have a feeling that subway will really mess this up.

  2. Hello new person! I am most impressed that you were able to even take a bite of that thing, it looks like someone puked on some rotten roadkill.

  3. “But you didn’t come here to hear me rant about male phallus conspiracies or penis euphemisms.”

    ^^this is not true.

  4. This is a very good sandwich. I tried it without the “extras” such as lettuce etc. Easier to eat than the meatball sandwich, which I would not eat because it was so awkward to eat. By the way, your picture in this article does nothing to make anyone want to eat one. It doesn’t look like that at all, but rather a meatball sandwich with chicken instead.

  5. Congratulations and good luck, Reprobate! I look forward to more penis euphemisms in your future reviews. I tried this sandwich the other day for lunch, and I must say the footlong did get me more excited than any other 5-inch I’ve had this year.

  6. This just looks really yucky and especially since I stopped eating at Subway. You see, several months ago I ate a meatball sub purchased from my local Subway. The next day I was sick to my stomach and had bright, candy apple red diarrhea. Scary, huh? No more Subway for me.

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