REVIEW: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal

If you have children, whatever you do, DO NOT buy them the High School Musical Cereal. Some of you might be thinking I don’t like this packaged Kellogg’s and Disney collaboration because it promotes the third movie in the High School Musical trilogy, which by the way makes me cringe more than Star Wars prequel trilogy, but people should avoid this cereal because it just isn’t any good. If this cereal actually jiggled my jollies, I’d be breaking out into an unnecessary song and dance number while eating it. Fortunately for my overworked jazz hands, the cereal just flat out sucks, which boggles my mind since the recipe for a good sugary cereal is simple: pick shapes, pick colors, and add a fucking lot of sugar (marshmallow are optional). It’s like the person who developed this bland cereal forgot the very important step of putting a shitload of sugar in it, which is the equivalent of taking a piss without doing the necessary step of pulling down your pants or lifting up your skirt. The orangy and red star-shaped cereal pieces even have white specks all over them, which I thought was sugar, but didn’t make it sugary, so I’ll just assume the cereal has dry scalp and a bad case of dandruff. Shouldn’t the cereal that promotes a sugary sweet Disney movie be just as annoyingly sweet? Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I did ask for a nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and eventually one was posted, so why can’t I get a cereal with enough sugar to help me keep up with retiree mall walkers in the morning?

Buying this cereal is not only a bad idea because eating it feels like there’s a boring discussion of 18th century European economics going on in your mouth, it’s also a possible gateway item for much worse things your kid would want you to purchase. If you give into this, then they’ll next be asking for the High School Musical 3 soundtrack; then a DVD of the movie when it comes out four months later; and then they’ll be asking you to record the previous High School Musical movies playing on the Disney Channel on your TiVo, forcing you to delete the episodes of Heroes you haven’t gotten to yet because you’re too busy accommodating every whim from your demanding Disney-loving child, who ironically was conceived in a room at a Disney World Resort during some kinky Mickey and Minnie Mouse role playing. Before you know it, your kid is screaming at you because you ruined their sweet sixteen party that you allowed to be recorded for a reality show, because you bought them a Mercedes-Benz instead of a teal flying unicorn that does their homework and poops ancient Aztec gold, making you look like the worst parent in the world.

Although you could buy this for your child, they say “thank you,” and follow that up with a warm hug that melts your heart and makes you feel like the greatest parent in the world.

If you do decide to buy the cereal, let me know how that game of Russian Roulette goes.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, 2 future shitty pop singers, and 1 future College Musical trilogy.)

(Editor’s Note: I’m not the only one who thinks this cereal sucks. Also, here’s a movie review of High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Just in case you’re forced to see it.)

Item: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal
Price: $2.49
Size: 9 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. No singing coming out from the box. Vitamins and minerals. Asking for a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and getting it. Being the greatest parent in the world.
Cons: Bland. Box is kind of small compared with other sugary cereals. Not as sugary sweet as a High School Musical movie. White specks don’t seem to add anything to cereal. My overworked jazz hands. Being the worst parent in the world. Having to erase stuff on your TiVo you haven’t gotten around to watching yet.

15 thoughts on “REVIEW: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal

  1. I did manage to get my son a teal, flying unicorn. It poops Aztec gold and everything, but it does a terrible job on his homework.

    My son is only 2 and that stupid unicorn can’t even color in the lines. He’s going to fail pre-school if this continues.

  2. I wear adult diapers now, so it’s not necessary for me to take that extra step. Nothing like wallowing in your own warm filth in the cold, cold fall nights.

  3. Marvo, I was angry at first because I thought I was in charge of jiggling your jollies, not some shitty cereal. Then you mentioned Heroes. Now I heart you again.

  4. eating dandruff would definitely make me want to vomit.

    and anything that would poop ancient aztec gold would be amaaaaaziiinnng!

  5. @armauld – Your unicorn doesn’t use its magical horn to make the crayons draw on their own. You need a new unicorn.

    @Chuck – High School Musical Jerky by Art?

    @Reprobate – But that warm filth will eventually turn into cold filth, which will shrink your balls.

    @Shannon – Please don’t sing any songs or do any dances. Oh wait. I have the buffer of thousands of miles between us, so go ahead and sing your songs and dance your dances.

    @Bryan – It was bound to happen, our small islands will survive after it.

    @Brie – Whatever you do, I could never stop hearting you. Oooh, that last line would make an awesome chorus in a tween pop song.

    @liz – I bought it late at night so not many people saw me.

    @momokeen – Yes, a magical unicorn that poops ancient Aztec gold would be awesome. It’s much better than some duck that lays a golden egg, because you can ride a unicorn.

    @Neil – I’m waiting for Zack and Miri Make a Porno Puffs.

    @Sea Hag – Be glad you have no idea what High School Musical is.

  6. LordJezo, you might be right.

    If they put her nude pictures as the special surprise inside and marketed it to adults, this cereal would sell a lot more.

  7. @LordJezo – I’m pretty sure there are X-rated cartoons of Shrek and Fiona on some messed up website.

    @Sea Hag – It’s hella lame to the infinity power plus one.

    @Natalie – I don’t think so, because why pay for it, when you can get it free on the internet.

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