REVIEW: Panera Bread Breakfast Sandwiches (Sausage and Bacon)

I’ll admit it: I enjoyed the original Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers when I was a little brat. All those “teenagers” working together to kick some ass was just awesome, even if Lord Zedd was just a Shredder/Krang rip-off. And come on, who doesn’t like giant fucking robots, even if it looked like it was colored by a blind toddler? Now let’s all enjoy a flashback to a time when the Easy Bake Oven still used a pansy-assed light bulb to cook batter.

(Author’s Note: For some reason, the people who own the rights to the series are being tightwads and have prohibited YouTube from allowing embedded videos of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Therefore, you’ll have to relive a cherished childhood memory you promised yourself you’d stay the hell away from. Go ahead. I’ll wait until the sobbing stops.)

What exactly does a cheesy live-action martial arts TV show have to do with the Panera Bread Breakfast Sandwiches? Did I lose my mind after watching Aphex Twin’s video for “Windowlicker” one too many times? Did I ironically skip my breakfast when I wrote this review?

(Author’s Note: No, I did not lose my mind; you can’t lose it if you’ve already lost it by getting your Mr. Bean bobble-head get to 3rd base with your sister’s Barbie!)

It’s the concept of the team, of course. The best teams have what is clearly the cream of the crop…or those who carry the team. In this case, it’s the Red and Green/White ranger. I’ll be honest, when me and my friends played Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, all three of us wanted to be the Red Ranger. The problem wasn’t that there were three Red Rangers (we were clones or triplets, or some equally ridiculous soap-opera explanation), it was that we only had two Red Ranger belt buckles and a Pink Ranger one. I always ended up with the Pink Ranger belt buckle. Speaking of the Pink Ranger, the best teams always had their weak links — people who were utterly useless (I’m looking at you too, Yellow Ranger!), through no fault of their own. Eh…who am I kidding? It’s their damn fault. Then there’s everyone else; neither leader nor loser nor awesome. They just manage not to suck as bad as the weak links.

That’s basically what the Panera’s breakfast sandwich is to me. It’s a pretty good sandwich that manages to stay above the crowd despite a mismatch of ingredients. The obvious star of this team is the ciabatta bread itself, which is not exactly a surprise since it’s sold by Panera Bread. It tastes great and is pretty soft inside with a relatively crusty exterior. It’s so good that I can overlook the fact that the rest of the ingredients aren’t large enough to match the size of the bread pieces, making it seem like a gyp. The weak link of the sandwich would have to be the egg; it’s almost as if it’s not even there. The whites are almost watery in taste and the yolks are fairly dry.

If you get the applewood-smoked bacon version of this sandwich, it’s also disappointing. You get three shriveled pieces that make you think “What the fuck? I paid $3.50 for this? Fuck you and your mysterious smell-blocking glass sneeze guard!”

The white Vermont cheddar cheese is an average addition to the sandwich; sharp and overwhelms almost everything in the sandwich, but it’s a nice addition to the bread. The sausage patty version is not bad. It’s certainly a little thin for the price, but I don’t feel as ripped off as I do when I buy the bacon version and it’s not greasy.

The sandwich, as a whole, manages to work well and goes down pretty light. It’s the perfect breakfast for getting the energy to do some Kung Fu fighting or playing Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers with your friends.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Bacon – 510 calories, 24 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 215 milligrams of cholesterol, 1060 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein. Sausage – 540 calories, 27 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 220 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Panera Bread Breakfast Sandwiches (Sausage and Bacon)

Price: $3.49 (with meat)
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Panera Bread
Rating: 8 out of 10 (sausage)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (bacon)
Pros: Awesome bread. Overall good sandwich. Light. Giant fucking robots. Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker.” Mr. Bean getting some love. Red/White/Green Ranger.
Cons: Non-existent egg. Pricey. Lord Zedd. Terrible color scheme for giant fucking robot. Pansy assed light bulb. Yellow/Pink Ranger. Kung Fu doesn’t work.

17 thoughts on “REVIEW: Panera Bread Breakfast Sandwiches (Sausage and Bacon)

  1. PFFFF….The Pink and Yellow Rangers were totally kick ass. Pastel colors don’t mean powerless. The Green/White Ranger was a wuss and the Red Ranger was a douchebag.

  2. That part about the Mr. Bean bobble-head, the Barbie, and getting to third base really sheds some light onto the nature of your personal reality. Some moments just really encapsulate the spirit of an individual. ;-)

  3. The yellow ranger was my favorite. It wasn’t until I was in high school that my friend pointed out to me that they made the Asian girl be the yellow ranger was slightly racist.

    I’m not a fan of breakfast sandwiches. I like to eat my meal in individual pieces, not piled upon bread, but these don’t look too bad. I didn’t know Panera had breakfast besides bagels and whatnot. Maybe I’ll try these one day. You know, when I’m awake early enough.

  4. Natalie, was it racist that they chose a black person to play the Black Power Ranger?

    Whatever that is in the middle of the sandwich looks like it’s just swimming in bread, like it was some sort of afterthought from Panera. We got bread! It’s toasted! Who wants toasted bread for $3.49? You say you can do that at home for mere pennies? Well, ours has sausage on it now, so there.

  5. I have never heard of that sandwich before.. but i miss the power rangers. The tragic love story between the green and pink ranger, the power hungry red ranger, the yellow and black rangers who names i don’t remember, and of course the robot rangers!

  6. Windowlicker is the best Aphex Twin video EVER. Makes me not want to try the Panera Egg Sandwich unfortunately. I’ve quit the cheese and now am I unhappy pseudo-vegan!

  7. dammit i wish we had panera here in tucson. there is a dearth of sandwich shops, and it is vastly disappointing. i suppose i’ll have to stick with my breakfast burrito for now, since it’s got the sausage, bacon and cheese taken care of already. but, ya know, with hot sauce.

    …also, i was totally a blue ranger girl back in the day. bc i was a nerd, and he was strangely hot. i don’t know.

  8. I liked the red ranger but ummm…..im 45 so that sounds a little gay. If the rangers were butt bandits then how did they do it without drilling a hole in the suits for penis entry and exit. Anyway I liked this sandwich which I would not mind paying a ittle more for if it had filled the sandwich.

  9. The Yellow Ranger was my favorite. I thought the Pink Ranger was an attention whore. The Black Ranger did nothing but dance, the Red Ranger looked like a dumb jock, and I think the Green Ranger did a porno.

    Anything by Panera Bread = Delicious.

  10. Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker” video is awesome and that sandwich looks mighty tasty especially with all those grill marks on it. GRILL MARKS MAKE EVERYTHING LOOK GOOD!!!

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