REVIEW: Fiber One Chocolate Fudge Toaster Pastry

Dear Tim Kang,

You don’t know me, but if you look in the mirror, you will know what I look like. According to numerous co-workers and people I don’t know, I look like you. No, I do not work at a beer testing facility, opium farm, or Tim Kang clone factory. Ever since the TV show The Mentalist, which you play a supporting role in, starting showing on CBS on Tuesdays, the number of people who think I look like you has been on the rise, like the roll call of Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends. Actually, the comparisons started before you even began playing California Bureau of Investigations agent Kimball Cho.

It all started when someone mentioned I looked like that Asian guy with the Asian family from the Home Depot commercial. At first, I thought that person was crazy with a capital Amy Winehouse, because a commercial with only Asians in it was just something that didn’t exist. Caucasians? Of course. Hispanics? Si? African-Americans? Yes. Asian? I didn’t expect a national American television commercial with only Asians until the year 2033, after China takes over the world. However, after searching YouTube, I saw the commercial with you in it.

Then a few folks said I look like the Asian guy in the Cingular commercials, which also happened to be you.

After watching the commercials, a few minutes of The Mentalist, and this short video you starred in, I thought it was just another case of people thinking all Asians look alike, but when I saw the picture of you below, it changed my mind and made me believe that you are my celebrity doppleganger.

Oh, by the way. No one mentioned that I looked like En-Joo in the last Rambo movie, which I’m sure you played wonderfully.

It’s like you’re the Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts and I’m the Fiber One Chocolate Fudge Toaster Pastries, because while we may look alike, you’re well known like Pop-Tarts, since The Mentalist gets 15 million viewers per week, while I’m a Z-List internet celebrity that many people don’t know about, much like the new Fiber One toaster pastries.

Of course, the differences don’t stop there. While you have degrees from Berkeley and Harvard, I have a piece of paper that says I graduated with an English degree from the University of Hawaii, which is much like comparing the sweet, chocolatey, and delicious taste of the Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts with the not equally as impressive, but good enough taste of the Fiber One Chocolate Fudge Toaster Pastries.

Also, while you spent months in Moscow to study acting, it took me a few seconds to learn about you on the internet, which is similar to comparing the amount of time it would take to poop with the less than one gram of dietary fiber in a Pop-Tart with the speed it would take to poop with the five grams of dietary fiber a Fiber One toaster pastry has, which is 20 percent of your daily value of fiber.

However, we might be more alike than I realize. After all, we’ve never met. Just like the Pop-Tarts and Fiber One toaster pastries both have high fructose corn syrup and roughly the same nutritional values, maybe you enjoy spying on your neighbors across the street with a pair of Bushnell binoculars and a parabolic microphone, like I do. Or maybe you enjoy laying in front of a mirror and brushing a slightly exaggerated nude self-painting, much like I love doing on warm spring nights.

Well I hope that this letter to you ends up as the top search query whenever you or someone else decides to Google your name or the phrase, “cute Asian guy in The Mentalist.” Perhaps someday we can meet or switch lives.

Sincerely,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 36 grams of carbs, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and 6% iron.)

Item: Fiber One Chocolate Fudge Toaster Pastry
Price: $3.49
Size: 6 pastries
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like cardboard. Decent tasting. 5 grams of fiber per pastry. 16 grams of whole grain. I look like Tim Kang. Spying on neighbors. Creating a slightly exaggerated nude self-painting.
Cons: Not as sweet or as chocolatey as the Pop-Tarts version. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Has same nutritional values as regular Pop-Tarts. Tim Kang looks like me.

24 thoughts on “REVIEW: Fiber One Chocolate Fudge Toaster Pastry

  1. FINALLY I get to post! Your page was stuck between the fibers of this dimension and the next, which severly distorted the layout and caused a rift in the space time continuum. But that’s okay.

    So on to the comment: Well, I saw the Rambo movie and know which dude you’re talking about, so now I have some sort of mental picture to form in my head when I think about you eating this stuff.

    Wow… I’m imagining you running through a jungle throwing disgusting food at people who die from the horror. Best Rambo movie ever!

  2. Success! I just checked, and you are the number one result for “cute Asian guy in The Mentalist”.

    Congrats!

  3. I haven’t seen the Mentalist, but that guy always looks so down in commercials. His daughter thinks he’s a doofus, his wife can’t even stand to be in the same room, and he hangs out with the lamest friends and their lame cell phones.

  4. Hmm, it’s good to know what your look like. I’ll be sure to hit on you if I’m ever in Hawaii. Hopefully it’ll be you and not Tim Kang because I doubt he’d be able to give me news on any new products.

  5. @Reprobate – It not Ex-Lax.

    @Brie – After I ate one or two, I was fine, but I’m afraid of what would happen if I ate the entire box in one sitting. 120% of my fiber! Booyah!

    @Heidi – Sorry about that. Also, I hope when you’re thinking of me while eating this, you don’t get sick.

    @Steve – YAHTZEE!!!

    @Deymond – Yup, sounds just like me. Everyone thinks I’m a doofus.

    @Natalie – He seems like a smart guy, so maybe he might.

    @Neil – That’s a lot of fiber.

    @SMaeLi – No, you’re definitely HOTTTTTTTer! ;)

    @Reprobate – So a blank and white photo of me would also make me look like a Triad.

    @Chuck – When Diet Pepsi comes with fiber that’s when it becomes overkill.

    @ie – Not all healthy junk food sucks, there are a few good ones. Only a few though.

  6. Is there something I missed, is this a gay forum bc I am obviously a woman commenting on a pic in the collum above but there must be more to this… don’t worry I will pass

  7. Lady, I have no idea why you think I’m paying any attention to you or why you’re crapping your homophobia all over here, but I was directing all of my lust about Marvo and his hawtness.

  8. Thanks for sharing. Try a a fiber one chocolate fudge toaster pastry, and then run a couple laps, and when you’re done do it again. Then Tinkerbell shall fall from the sky and tell you how to get a life and how to use common sense when advertising your high degrees of pathetic-ness.

  9. Can someone explain to me how I got to be the pathetic one in all this when someone said they were going to pass through this ‘gay forum’ but then came back to read and post twice on said board? And why on earth are you insulting me? I only pointed out that you were an admitted homophobe and I was not aiming my comments towards you. Frankly, I thought you’d be relieved.

  10. I think we can all get behind Agent Wang. Or Agent Wang can get behind us. Or we can get Agent Wang’s behind.

    I could go on forever.

    And by the way, how did I get in an argument on a thread about fiber-y Pop Tart knock-offs? How did I forget that really tasteless (but pretty true) quote about arguing on the internet?

  11. You sound a little flustered. Maybe even angry. Not to worry, there are ppl that can help you. Not my office but someone more well known. I don’t know if you’ve heard of Dr. Phil. You know, big guy, real cool in person. I wouldn’t call it “homophobia”, but SOMEONE has to let you in on the secret…look I wish the whole world could be gay and everyone have gay babies, and they can grow up and have… wait they can’t have babies. How does it work? are we now just bodies to impregnate? Aaaaarrrghhh that’s where I get confused. I always get stuck right there. You almost convinced me that I should be gay, but then I saw a picture of Marvo and Tom Kang and I knew I could leave that up to you. Someone’s gotta do it.

    p.s. Tom Kang is also hot

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