Thereâ€™s a saying: If it ainâ€™t broke, donâ€™t fix it.
I usually thought of it as a bullshit saying because whereâ€™s the fun in that? Evil geniuses like me couldnâ€™t fail to take over the world if we lived by those stupid sayings. Batman wouldnâ€™t have had the rubber nipples suit and my neighbor in college wouldnâ€™t have come up with novel ways to flash his hairy balls at me. Okay, I donâ€™t exactly have a infallible worldwide domination plot, but I have my evil laugh down, so Iâ€™m halfway there! Itâ€™s essentially a bastardized version of Dr. Evilâ€™s laugh, but itâ€™s MY bastardized version.
Iâ€™ve always loved the original Kit Kat bars, and they were my favorite candy as a kid, so when I saw this at the checkout counter, I admit I was a bit eager to see a Japanese companyâ€™s take on this classic. I soon learned that I had made a horrible mistake.
It looks like a stick of strawberry gum, complete with white specks and streaks. Definitely not appealing despite its strawberry yogurt smell, which was actually kind of nice. My first thought after biting into this was, â€œSweet Evil Jesus!â€ Seriously, whereâ€™s the strawberry? And my god, what is up with this artificial chemical taste that just bursts out with the first bite? I could barely taste the strawberry over the very artificial vanilla cream, â€œstrawberryâ€ coating and the stale wafer inside. It actually almost tastes like how paint smells.
I guess the target audience is for people with children…people who want to mindfuck with their children. This would actually make a decent punishment, sort of like when I was expecting a Super Nintendo on a Christmas morning and I got my hopes up so high that I cried when I tore the wrapping to find out it was just a lousy 3D Empire State Building puzzle. But the worst part? It was missing 3 pieces.
Iâ€™d like to say that one of the good things about it is that it comes in a pack of five, but unfortunately, it means there are five pieces. The only redeeming thing about this candy is the hexagonal box it comes in. If I hold it just right, I can cover up the name of the candy and tell others that itâ€™s a smaller version of a Toblerone. Well, that, and it makes a dandy place to hide my blueprints for an underground cave lair complete with a cage for my evil guinea pig, Fuck Nut.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 and a quarter sticks – 158 calories, 8.7 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1.6 grams of protein, and the tears of children.)
Item: Furuta Sequoia Strawberry Chocolateâ€¨
Size: 30 gramsâ€¨
Purchased at: China Martâ€¨
Rating: 1 out of 10 â€¨
Pros: Hairy balls. Strawberry yogurt smell. Mindfucking children. Container makes a dandy hiding place. Evil guinea pig named Fuck Nut.â€¨
Cons: Bubblegum appearance. Artificial and chemical tastes. Paint smell taste. Overpowering vanilla crÃ¨me. Stale Wafer. Lousy 3D puzzle. 5 pieces.