Don’t get me wrong. I may be a passive pacifist, but I’m not one of those beatniks who believe that everything can be solved without violence. Somebody has to be the bully or the badass with the poo on the stick once in awhile, but Jack Bauer’s chewing Doublemint gum right now, so he’s a bit too busy to kick ass, and Chuck Norris is retired from Delta Force…which is why we have military forces to take their place, armed with state-of-the-art weapons and MREs (Meals Ready to Eat).

Cheese Omelet with Vegetables Power Performance MRE is fairly low in calories and quite nutritious for something its size, but that comes with a caveat. It’s got the longest list of ingredients for an omelet I’ve ever seen. Here’s a quick rundown of what it contains (which is only a wee fraction of the entire list): liquid eggs, cottage cheese, green chilies, mozzarella, water, cream, modified starch, and about seven or eight preservatives. It’s just like dear old grandma’s secret recipe for a prize-winning omelet (incidentally, I’m still waiting for her to pass on her coveted buck cake recipe)! It’s supposedly designed to last for at least 14 years, which explains the caveat, I guess. It’s also packed so full of cholesterol that the plaque-y goodness must aid the preservation process.

I tore open this bag to find myself utterly devoid of patriotism. I knew that MREs had a bad reputation, but this was completely uncalled for. It belongs on a stick…a very long stick. It tastes like crap and quite frankly it reminds me of really terrible and rancid coffee, which dominates the palate, both on and off the tongue. The texture is basically what you’d expect; extra congealed and crumbly, with the dryness of extra hard boiled egg yolks despite an eerie moistness, which is the only thing remotely egg-y about this thing. The veggies were a lost cause as well, since their flavors were completely dominated and their texture was soggier than wet toilet paper. It smelled like really bad tin can food.

I tried to play with it and build little mounds of crap for my green soldiers to march over, but my wee plastic commandos mutinied and started an underground bordello for G.I. Joes and Mr. Potato Heads. This thing is completely irredeemable and worthless like Switzerland’s military might. It’s a giant fuck you to our soldiers, who deserve better like laser ray guns that go pew pew or robot butlers/maids.

At least it comes with a sah-weet brown spoon. Let me tell you, this spoon is truly badass compared to all the other wimpy plastic spoons out there. It’s frickin’ Schwarzenegger from Commando or Terminator 2. This spoon is bigger, stronger, thicker, and heavier than your average plastic spoon. It’s brown so you can eat this crap without breaking your camouflage cover, if the smell didn’t give you away first. It’s also strong enough that it can be used as a weapon of minor destruction if one finds themselves without anything else after killing too many sissy minions. Now that’s American justice: death by plastic spoon. Too bad it’s not a spork.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 mysterious package – 300 calories, 16 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 530 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: MRE – Cheese Omelet with Vegetables

Price: $4.45
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 0 out of 10 (8/10 for the badass spoon)
Pros: Nutritious. Shelf-stable. Badass brown spoon. Grandma’s buck cake recipe. Bordellos. A badass with poo on a stick. Death by spoon.
Cons: Rancid coffee-taste. Terrible tin can food smell. Crumbly texture. Long list of ingredients. A number of preservatives. Jack Bauer chewing gum. Plaque-y goodness of cholesterol. No badass spork.

The idea of fruit rolls-ups seems like something that was the result of a pleasant accident, like the Slinky, Post-It Notes, and possibly your youngest sibling, unless you’re the youngest child, in which case, you were planned. Someone apparently came up with a way to smash fruit better than a Sledge-O-Matic that also doesn’t get the first few rows of a theater covered with the carnage of fruit. If fruit roll-ups were an accident conceived in a laboratory, kitchen, or back seat of a Pontiac Firebird, I’m glad it happened because it led to the Strawberry FruitaBü Organic Smoooshed Fruit Rolls.

Although targeted towards children and people who love umlauts, I could see myself eating these in order to get the one serving of fruit they provide because according to nutritionists I don’t consume the daily recommended amount of fruit, unless a bag of Skittles or a 24-ounce Strawberry Slurpee counts as a serving. The FruitaBü is certified USDA Organic, which I would explain, but I would probably bore you with jargon like, “compliance,” “regulations,” “exceptions,” and “booteeshockee.” Basically, the Strawberry FruitaBü Organic Smoooshed Fruit Rolls is an organic and significantly much shorter version of General Mills’ Fruit by the Foot. While Fruit by the Foot provides “3 feet of fun,” the FruitaBü Fruit Rolls only offers “19.5 inches of interestingness.”

However, the ingredients in those “19.5 inches of interestingness” includes mostly of an inventory of organic apple, white grape, and strawberry concentrates and purees that provides all the sugar in each roll, while the “3 feet of fun” includes extra sweeteners, like sugar and corn syrup. Despite not having any extra added sugar, the FruitaBü was sweet, like sending a card to your grandma-sweet, but not overly sweet, like sending a strippergram to your grandma-sweet. Overall, I thought the Strawberry FruitaBü Organic Smoooshed Fruit Rolls were really good, although because of the orgy of different organic fruits, I thought the strawberry didn’t really stand out and if I were given one without any labeling I probably wouldn’t be able to tell what flavor it was. However, if your child, fruit deficient adult friend, or diacritic fanboy wants a fun way to get a serving of fruit, I would recommend the FruitaBü.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 roll – 80 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbs, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 0% Calcium, 0% Iron, and 1 poem on the box.)

Item: Strawberry FruitaBü Organic Smoooshed Fruit Rolls
Price: FREE (retails for $3.69)
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes really good. Made from real fruit. One serving of fruit per roll. USDA Organic. No added sugar. Cute monkeys on the box that looks like were done in Adobe Illustrator.
Cons: Strawberry flavor doesn’t really stand out. Roll is not very long, only 19.5 inches of interestingness. Paper it is rolled up with is not edible. Might be difficult to find. Being conceived in the back of a Pontiac Firebird. Booteeshockee.

I guess what they say about Asians is true — most Asian dishes look alike. I swear the Panda Express Thai Cashew Chicken looks like their Kung Pao Chicken, String Bean Chicken, and Mushroom Chicken. Maybe that’s the reason why when I was picking up dinner this past weekend at Panda Express I wasn’t surprised by its sudden appearance because I thought it was something else. The Thai Cashew Chicken consists of cashews, white meat chicken, red bell peppers, some green vegetable, and cilantro. A 5.5-ounce serving has 240 calories, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 640 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of protein, and 0 grams of surprises. According to the Panda Express website, it will be around until December 30th, but when it does disappear, I don’t think anyone will notice.

Do you enjoy words? Then you will enjoy sentences, and if you like sentences, then you’ll love paragraphs. If you love paragraphs, then you’ll like these reviews from other review blogs.

I was disappointed to find out that the Taco Rack was not what I hoped it to be — a delicious way to position the balls for a game of pool. Ha! You probably thought I was going to make a boobies joke. Instead I’ll let you folks do that in the comments. (via Phoood)

The director of the classic Deep Throat passes away and we honor his work with an energy drink? Well I guess it does make sense since we do swallow the energy drink. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Yay! Egg nog! I’m pretty sure the reason for my yearly weight gain during the holiday season is caused by the gallons of egg nog I drink and not the turkey. Since it’s only around for a couple of months, I need to drink as much of it as I can. (via Gigi Reviews)

I guess my theory that Mello Yello and Mountain Dew are the same thing because I never see them at the same place and at the same time is wrong. Unless, the photo has been Photoshopped to trick me. (via Second Rate Snacks)

I find it to be weird eating a candy bar that looks like it needs a condom wrapped around it to prevent whatever those bumps are from spreading. (via Candy Blog)

Some of you might be wondering why there are these little posts that aren’t reviews. The Impulsive Buy has been mainly a product review blog, but I’ve always wanted to do new product news because there are so many products being introduced and there is no way we could review them all, but I want to let all of you know about them, hence the short posts that aren’t reviews. It definitely is NOT the end of reviews here at The Impulsive Buy. There still will be as many reviews as we can churn out and I’m pretty sure that some of the products that we do news stories about will be reviewed.

Another reason why I decided to include news stories is because I wanted to provide another cool way for you guys and gals to participate. Some of you post comments, some of you recommend products, and some of you let me know about new products, which I am very thankful for, but I want to encourage something a little more. It’s hard for me to learn about all the new products that are being introduced because there are just so many of them. I have my ways of finding out about products, but many of them slip by me, so that’s where I hope you folks are able to step in. If you’re grocery shopping and you see a new product on the shelf, let me know about it. If you see a television commercial promoting a new product, let me know about it. If your local McDonald’s is offering a new regional product, let me know about it. Just send me an email at theimpulsivebuyATgmailDOTcom. Also, if you happen to have a camera on you or your cell phone has a camera, take a photo of the new product and email it to me at theimpulsivebuyATgmailDOTcom. I won’t make you rich, but I’ll make you internet famous for 10 seconds.

So that’s the reason why there are these short little posts that aren’t reviews and I hope you’re enjoying them.

Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

The Primo Meatball sub from Quiznos may consist of seasoned meatballs, zesty marinara sauce, and mozzarella cheese, but the one thing it probably doesn’t have is the ability to make Italian mothers everywhere cry. With 1000 calories, 45 grams of fat, and 2,950 milligrams of sodium in the large version of this sandwich, the only thing it can make Italian mothers do is feel extremely sluggish after eating it and have the desire to take a nap. Fortunately, Quiznos offers smaller versions of the sandwich, like they do with all of their sandwiches. I’m personally not much of a meatball sandwich kind of guy, because I’ve ruined in way too many white shirts while eating spaghetti and meatballs. But if you’re not afraid to ruin a shirt and want to eat something hearty, this Primo Meatball sub might be for you.