I can hear some of you silently cheering and some of you cringing. Those of you who are saying â€œmeh,” I shake the back of my fist wildly in the air at you. But this isnâ€™t about how much I hate the word â€œmeh,â€ itâ€™s about the new variation of Hot Pockets that was released upon us — the Hot Pockets Hearty Sized Biscuits.
Actually, itâ€™s a variation of a variation, truth be told. The â€œnewâ€ Hot Pocket is actually just the standard breakfast Hot Pocket recycled in a â€œnewâ€ crust — a biscuit crust.
Now, let me be clear here. I have no experience when it comes to a true fresh homemade biscuits. The only things that come to mind when I think biscuits are the crappy kind that comes with a fast food chicken dinner (KFC and Popeyeâ€™s) or the very misplaced cheesy biscuits at Red Lobster.
(Writer’s Note: Speaking of Red Lobster, what the hell? Biscuits do NOT go with surf and turf, no matter how buttery their shrimps are.)
Having said that, there was nothing remotely biscuit-y about these particular Hot Pockets. The taste and texture of the crust envelope was more akin to the standard Hot Pocket crust, although I will say there is a little biscuit-y-ness to it. The crust was slightly crispy and crunchy on some of the edges like so many of my Hot Pockets have turned out, but my impression upon biting into this was, â€œWhere the hellâ€™s the biscuit? And why is it so dry?â€
Itâ€™s painfully clear that none of the men and women involved in making this Hot Pocket have a trace of the South in their blood. Otherwise, their nanas would rise from the grave and spank them to death with a cast iron pan.
Although, there is actually one way this Hot Pocket does live up to its name; just let it thaw. I know it doesnâ€™t sound appetizing, but I did like some of my Hot Pockets this way. Ok, thatâ€™s a lie. But it was the only way to get your Hot Pocket fix if your parents were being dictators on the subject of snacking. And some of them do respond well to the thawing process, but thatâ€™s a different story. The thawed version of this sandwich is much more like a biscuit, albeit a cold and dry one.
The filling is pretty much the same as youâ€™d find in the regular version of this Hot Pocket. A sweet mild sausage that permeates throughout the whole filling, a cheese sausage thatâ€™s far too creamy, and blocks of eggs that donâ€™t do squat. The flavor is actually, come to think of it, much more akin to sausage and gravy. Itâ€™s not a bad thing, but itâ€™s not what I bought. At least this thingâ€™s big enough for a decent mouthful and itâ€™s done in less than three minutes from package to the plate.
I guess I only have one thing to say to this Hot Pocket. Meh. Now, if youâ€™ll excuse me, I have to shake my fist at the mirror.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 pocket – 290 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)
Item: Hot Pockets Sausage, Egg & Cheese Hearty Sized Biscuits
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Holiday Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Fast to warm up. Filling tastes all right. Decent-sized. Red Lobster biscuit. Zombie Nana.
Cons: Dry and crunchy. Little biscuit-y-ness. doesnâ€™t taste as advertised. The word “meh.” Yet another Hot Pockets product.