REVIEW: Hot Pockets Sausage, Egg & Cheese Hearty Sized Biscuits

Hot Pockets.

I can hear some of you silently cheering and some of you cringing. Those of you who are saying “meh,” I shake the back of my fist wildly in the air at you. But this isn’t about how much I hate the word “meh,” it’s about the new variation of Hot Pockets that was released upon us — the Hot Pockets Hearty Sized Biscuits.

*gasp*

Actually, it’s a variation of a variation, truth be told. The “new” Hot Pocket is actually just the standard breakfast Hot Pocket recycled in a “new” crust — a biscuit crust.

Now, let me be clear here. I have no experience when it comes to a true fresh homemade biscuits. The only things that come to mind when I think biscuits are the crappy kind that comes with a fast food chicken dinner (KFC and Popeye’s) or the very misplaced cheesy biscuits at Red Lobster.

(Writer’s Note: Speaking of Red Lobster, what the hell? Biscuits do NOT go with surf and turf, no matter how buttery their shrimps are.)

Having said that, there was nothing remotely biscuit-y about these particular Hot Pockets. The taste and texture of the crust envelope was more akin to the standard Hot Pocket crust, although I will say there is a little biscuit-y-ness to it. The crust was slightly crispy and crunchy on some of the edges like so many of my Hot Pockets have turned out, but my impression upon biting into this was, “Where the hell’s the biscuit? And why is it so dry?”

It’s painfully clear that none of the men and women involved in making this Hot Pocket have a trace of the South in their blood. Otherwise, their nanas would rise from the grave and spank them to death with a cast iron pan.

Although, there is actually one way this Hot Pocket does live up to its name; just let it thaw. I know it doesn’t sound appetizing, but I did like some of my Hot Pockets this way. Ok, that’s a lie. But it was the only way to get your Hot Pocket fix if your parents were being dictators on the subject of snacking. And some of them do respond well to the thawing process, but that’s a different story. The thawed version of this sandwich is much more like a biscuit, albeit a cold and dry one.

The filling is pretty much the same as you’d find in the regular version of this Hot Pocket. A sweet mild sausage that permeates throughout the whole filling, a cheese sausage that’s far too creamy, and blocks of eggs that don’t do squat. The flavor is actually, come to think of it, much more akin to sausage and gravy. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s not what I bought. At least this thing’s big enough for a decent mouthful and it’s done in less than three minutes from package to the plate.

I guess I only have one thing to say to this Hot Pocket. Meh. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to shake my fist at the mirror.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pocket – 290 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Hot Pockets Sausage, Egg & Cheese Hearty Sized Biscuits
Price: $3.19
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Holiday Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Fast to warm up. Filling tastes all right. Decent-sized. Red Lobster biscuit. Zombie Nana.
Cons: Dry and crunchy. Little biscuit-y-ness. doesn’t taste as advertised. The word “meh.” Yet another Hot Pockets product.

21 thoughts on “REVIEW: Hot Pockets Sausage, Egg & Cheese Hearty Sized Biscuits

  1. Funny – I just had a biscuit and gravy from JITB for breakfast as I read this article. I’ll take the unhealthy and unauthentic yet tasty fast food version any day over this monstrosity.

  2. You forgot the greatest “pro” of all – shaking your fist in the mirror. That makes it all worthwhile. Though I’ll agree that having to use “meh” off-sets that pro a little.

  3. @Bunny – I’d stick with the infallible pepperoni. That molten lava will keep you up and maybe give you an orgasm if it hurts enough.

    @Marvo – I think they already beat you to the punch with their Panini line. No, the only next logical choice is a lettuce wrap.

    @Chuck – Indeed. As would I.

    @Orchid64 – You’re absolutely right. And if it weren’t for you, I would have gotten away with it.

    @Anonymous – I have no recollection of having said that. Maybe it was some other Reprobate.

  4. Poor Reprobate, maybe one day someone will read the author and you can get credit.

    If you don’t mind me asking, where are you from? You need to experience the greatness that is a homemade biscuit with butter and/or honey. KFC and Popeye’s just have horrible biscuits. Church’s has decent ones, but I don’t know if they’re nationwide.

  5. @Natalie – You can check my bio, but I’ll save you some time. I reside in Michigan. There is a Church’s Chicken in my area, but I prefer to steer from fast food if I can.

  6. heres my recipe
    BUTTERMILK YEAST BISCUITS

    2 tablespoons warm water
    1 tablespoon active dry yeast
    2 1/2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
    1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1/3 cup sugar
    1/2 stick melted butter
    7/8 cup buttermilk
    Place warm water in small bowl

  7. Dissolve yeast in a small bowl of warm water with a pinch of sugar and flour. Set aside for 10 minutes until bubbles begin to form.
    In a food processor or blender, add flour, baking soda and sugar. Process to distribute dry ingredients together well.

    Add shortening and pulse until mixture is crumbly, like coarse cornmeal. Pour in buttermilk and yeast mixture.

    Turn dough out onto a lightly floured board and knead together 2-3 times. Pat out or roll to a thickness of 1 inch.

    Using a biscuit cutter, cut dough into 2 1/2 inch rounds and place on a baking sheet. Allow to rise for 30 minutes in a warm place.

    Bake in a preheated 400°F degree oven 15-20 minutes or until golden brown.

  8. @Dave – I haven’t bashed the Red Lobster biscuits themselves. I merely question the logic of putting them alongside surf and turf. It seems to me they belong with a more home-style meal.

    @Neil – Sounds delicious. I can’t wait to drown them in a whole jar of premade gravy and beef jerky bits.

  9. As someone who has written package copy for Hot Pockets, I believe you would have enjoyed your HP a little more if you had regarded the word “Biscuit” as a suggestion, not a descriptor. The proper designation for this product is “Hearty-sized Biscuity Emulations” or “Thinkin’ ‘Bout Big Ol’ Biskits,” but real estate is at a premium on packages, and copy always concedes to the visual, however gruesome it may be.

  10. I think you have to take this as what it is and not critique it like some gormet presentation. It’s for a fast and reasonable tasty, out the door breakfast. I actually thought they were pretty good, particularly with some canned sausage gravy nuked about a minute prior and then finishing the biscuit off in it. Garnish with a little pat of butter and some shredded cheddar cheese — yumm! I picked some of these up at Wal-Mart, but now they seem to have dissappeared. What gives?

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