NEWS: Extra! Extra! Raisin Bran Eats Itself and Poops Out a New Variation

In my parents’ attempts to slim me down so that they wouldn’t need to order husky children’s clothing from the Sears & Roebuck catalog, they fed me Raisin Bran. While other kids my age were chomping down on sugary cereals with names they would use in the future to order drugs, like Trix and Lucky Charms, I was consuming bran flakes that got soggy as soon as it was exposed to moisture with raisin that had a weird white coating.

My parents were never able to order regular sized clothing for me, thanks to the sodas and Otter Pops I consumed at my friend’s house down the street, but if the new Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra was introduced back then, I might’ve not been on the borderline of child obesity. This new cereal not only contains the obligatory crunchy bran flakes and plump raisins, it’s also made up of yogurt clusters, sweet cranberries, and almond slices. It’s like a hippie natural foods store in a box. A cup of it has 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 140 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

8 thoughts to “NEWS: Extra! Extra! Raisin Bran Eats Itself and Poops Out a New Variation”

  1. wow I was a little fattie too. My mom tried to feed me
    Aids diet candy [remember them]
    it worked now i have more chins then a chinese phone book.

  2. My parents used to buy those packs of assorted mini cereal boxes. My dad claimed Raisin Bran was “grown-up” cereal (I guess because he wanted to eat it all to benefit from the fiber content) and of course this made me want the cereal even more. It’s funny being a kid and naming “Raisin Bran” when asked what your favorite cereal is!

  3. I LOVED Raisin Bran as a kid. Then again, my mom wouldn’t let my sister and I eat candy. We grew up thinking raisins and marshmellows were candy. It was the biggest farse since Santa!

  4. @Neil – I do not remember Aids diet candy. I do remember diet soda.

    @Heidi – And I would be the kid in the back of the classroom giggling and making a joke about farting. Because I was an insensitive little prick back then.

    @Erika – I wish my parents bought more marshmallows…and chocolate…and graham crackers…and fire.

    @Red Icculus – There’s meat on Ethiopians?

  5. My parents always got me King Vitamin. For its quantity it was pretty good, noting that it was 5 bucks for a 50lb drum.

    P.S. Special K ,even though is good, for you is slang for Ketamine

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