Month: January 2009

Popchips Winners Announced!!!

Marvo 21 Comments

One of these days I want to choose winners by throwing darts blindfolded at a board containing all the entries, but I am such a poor darts thrower that I’m afraid one might ricochet and stab me or I’ll just accidently throw one directly at my foot. So instead I’m left with using an online random number generator to pick the winners.

Here are the four lucky winners of the popchips prize drawing:

Comment #13 marc
Comment #60 Richard
Comment #104 kristen
Comment #115 Alexis

To the winners, if you haven’t already, please check your email for instructions to receive your prize.

Thanks to the kind folks at popchips, each winner will receive a 3.25-ounce bag of the popchips flavor they requested. Also, thanks to 190-something people who entered this prize drawing. If you didn’t win, don’t fret because we will be having another prize drawing soon.

And now…here I am, being your monkey for 193 seconds.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut’s The Natural

Marvo 25 Comments

They say, “Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”

Oh, really?

Then why do I feel so dirty after having a one night stand with the two-bit pizza from Pizza Hut called The Natural?

Why do I want to huddle in my shower fully clothed, cry like I just accidently killed a man, and let the steady stream of water try to wash away the shame that has stained my soul? If pizza is a lot like sex, then The Natural is like losing your virginity with another virgin because both of you had high hopes for it, but during it you both constantly asked each other if it feels good, and after you’re done, you’re both not really satisfied.

The Natural pizza looked delicious in the box and sounded appetizing with its, “stone-ground multigrain crust made with the goodness of five different whole grains, a rich flavorful sauce made from fresh, vine-ripened tomatoes and topped with fine, all-natural, mozzarella cheese.” But after I finished a slice I realized that this was the Diet Coke of Pizza Hut pizzas — it wasn’t close to being as tasty as the original.

The pepperoni and cheese were the only decent parts of the pizza. What brought down The Natural several notches was its stone-ground multigrain crust, which wasn’t very flavorful. But I guess the crust, with its eight grams of whole grains in each slice, was supposed to be healthy and not tasty. Although, even with all that healthiness, it doesn’t provide more fiber than Pizza Hut’s regular crust. Speaking of things that help you poop, there wasn’t a lot of grease on the pizza, which is great for napkin conservation. Something else there wasn’t a lot of was sauce, which was disappointing because I like the sauce to ooze all over and the cheese to stretch out like I was on the wrong end of a bukkake.

Overall, the crust, lack of sauce, and measly 12-inch size equated to a very bland, mediocre pizza. So thanks to Pizza Hut’s The Natural, I feel like I should edit the saying to say, “Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, you can always get something better after.”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 230 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 530 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 15% Calcium, and 6% Iron.)

Item: Pizza Hut’s The Natural
Price: $12.99 ($9.99 in most states)
Size: 12 inches
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Eight grams of whole grains in each slice. Pepperoni and cheese were decent. Sex. Being on the right end of a bukkake.
Cons: A very bland, mediocre pizza. Stone-ground multigrain crust wasn’t very flavorful. Not much sauce. About the same amount of calories, fat and sodium as a regular Pizza Hut pizza. Being on the wrong end of a bukkake. Accidently killing a man.

NEWS: Pizza Hut’s New Lasagna Looks to Exacerbate Garfield the Cat’s Weight Problem

Marvo 18 Comments

Whenever I look over a Garfield comic strip, I wonder two things: How should I strangle myself if they release a third Garfield movie and what are those dark lines on Garfield, stripes or stretch marks?

If they’re stretch marks, they’re about to get wider thanks to Pizza Hut’s new Tuscani Lasagna. I haven’t tried any of the other Tuscani Pasta dishes, but I’ve heard they’re pretty tasty. I guess I’ve been hesitant because I’m afraid their pastas might be as greasy as their pizzas, which sometimes makes the area around my mouth look like I made out with a penny whore. (Note: It’s totally not worth the penny when you consider the cost of the penicillin you have to take after.) The nutrition values weren’t on the Pizza Hut website, but if it’s like any of the other Tuscani Pastas it will have around 500-ish calories, 25-ish grams of fat, 10-ish grams of saturated fat, and 1000-ish milligrams of sodium per serving. For $14.99, you’ll get over three pounds of the Tuscani Lasagna and five breadsticks.

REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink

Marvo 17 Comments

As I type this, my heart is beating faster than usual.

It could be the 146 milligrams of caffeine I just consumed with the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Or it could be the alluring eyes and flowing hair of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo that is making my heart flutter and drawing me towards her to, perhaps, lead me to my watery grave or to wait in line at one of her stores to spend five dollars on a coffee made lovingly by a cute barista named Jennifer.

No! I must not give into her come-hither looks or else I will either end up in Davy Jones’s Locker or waste ten minutes of my life waiting in line listening to compilations of musicians that I have never heard of for a cup of coffee or a bottle Ethos Water.

Why, twin-tailed siren, must the company you represent make delicious, pricey coffee beverages? Why couldn’t you have represented a company that I wouldn’t have any contact with, like an inferior fish company on the East Coast or Circuit City?

I consumed an entire can of the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Does my ingestion of a creamy Starbucks product not satisfy you, she-fish? I even enjoyed it and it gave me such a good boost of energy that if there was a rickshaw nearby, I would be pulling it to wherever the caffeine, guarana, ginseng, and B Vitamins desired.

The red cinnamon and white vanilla made it feel like someone was celebrating Christmas in my mouth. It had a nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, but together they did not make the coffee flavor their bitch, unlike what you’re doing to me with your cleavage between your flowing locks. I think they’re natural, but I must not look to find out if they’re real or else you will lure me into the underwater world of Snorkland or convince me purchase a Starbucks Rewards Card so that I can get two free consecutive hours of Wi-Fi every day.

What will it take for you to leave me alone and not convince me to drink more of your caffeinated beverages today, Starbucks logo? Tell me, fair maiden, so that I may bid you adieu.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 200 calories, 3 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 770 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 50% Vitamin C, 40% Calcium, 20% Vitamin D, 200% Riboflavin, 200% Niacin, 200% Vitamin B6, 100% Vitamin B12, 2000 milligrams of maltodextrin, 1800 milligrams of taurine, 450 milligrams of L-carnitine, 180 milligrams of inositol, 325 milligrams of panax ginseng, and 90 milligrams of guarana.)

(Editor’s Note: Look for this flavor in stores sometime in February. Thanks to the nice PR folks who sent this to us. Also, we reviewed the original Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drinks last year.)

Item: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.59)
Size: 15 ounces
Purchased at: From nice PR people
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: It’s like Christmas in my mouth. Nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, which doesn’t overpower the coffee. 146 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine gave me a good boost. No high fructose corn syrup. The Snorks.
Cons: Pricey (but isn’t everything from Starbucks). It’s 15 ounces and not 16 ounces. The alluring eyes, flowing hair, and cleavage of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo. Ending up in Davy Jones’s Locker.

NEWS: Makers of Hamburger Helper Give Some Glove Love To Asians

Marvo 15 Comments

The only four-fingered pleasure I get from a glove is the one I get from Hamburger Helper.

They’re extremely easy to make, really tasty, and I get to use ground beef in ways I could never imagine. Betty Crocker has also done magic with other things on the food chain with her Tuna Helper and Chicken Helper. So I was excited when I found out about Betty Crocker’s Asian Helper, which will help bring a little bit more Asian persuasion into homes beyond watching Sandra Oh on Grey’s Anatomy.

Asian Helper comes in three varieties: Mongolian-Style Beef, Beef Fried Rice, and Chicken Fried Rice.