NEWS: Axe Hair Products Contribute To Global Swarming of Dudes Who Reek

Written by | February 10, 2009

Topics: Axe, Personal

I had a crush on my English teacher when I was a freshman in high school. I was hoping she would break the law, go all Mary Kay Letourneau on my body and turn me into her underaged boy toy, but unfortunately my acne-covered face and braces didn’t persuade her to do so. While trying to woo her, I started wearing cologne. But I unfortunately didn’t know how much cologne I should wear. I thought five sprays all over my body would want her to come closer to me, but it did the opposite and one day she told me that I should use less cologne…a lot less cologne.

So from that moment on, I’ve only given myself one good spray of cologne before I go out. I bring this story up because there are going to be a helluva lot of guys whose Axe stench is going to be greater now that there are Axe hair products to go along with their shower gels, deodorants, and body sprays. The Axe hair products have actually been out for a couple of months, but I didn’t find out until recently and I’m letting people know as a public service announcement.

The hair products include shampoos, conditioners, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners, and hairstyling products. All of the hair products come with the typical Axe-ified names. The shampoo and conditioners are called Constrict, Dual, Intense, Armor, Primed, and Lure, while the styling products are named Charged, Laid Back, Whatever, and Refined. Axe hairstyling products retails for $6.99, while their shampoos and conditioners go for $5.99.

Click here to read TIB’s review of the Axe Messy Look Paste






13 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. yr momz says:

    axe is the easiest way to come out of the closet.
    i’m just saying, it’s no secret.

  2. Chuck says:

    So, was this a public service announcement, or a public service warning?

    I usually use two sprays of cologne, myself. When I’m feeling wild and crazy. But not Axe.

  3. Diana says:

    Using Axe products is walking a fine line. One spray too far and it transforms into bug spray, and I can’t take it. Two sprays too many and it’s biological warfare.

  4. Elecid says:

    Constrict – What? Most guys want their hair follicles to remain open, so I’m not sure that constrict is a good verb for them.

    Dual – Again, what? I only like that word when it’s applied to things that should come in twos, like breasts, women, punches, and layers on a DVD.

    Intense – Odor?

    Armor – I’ll go with it.

    Primed – Now if that doesn’t just scream oiled-up Fabio, I don’t know what does.

    Lure – I think fishing, which is roughly what it smells like.

  5. Erika says:

    My 11 year old son uses Axe products. Nuff said.

  6. ratbuddy says:

    “So from that moment on, I’ve only given myself one good spray of cologne before I go out.”

    That’s a joke right? Someone (especially male) who wears any sort of perfume has no grounds to be talking about the Axe kids. Pot/kettle issue.

  7. Jesse says:

    I received some ‘vice-kit’ for Christmas. It came with the shampoo in the blue bottle. In your hands it smells like nothing, but as soon as it lathers in your hair, it smells like banana. Not just a little either, but full-on bundle of bananas smell.

    It’s weird because nowhere on the bottle or packaging does it say anything about banana smell.

  8. MCW says:

    Have you seen the Axe Chocolate commerical? What exactly is Axe trying to say with that?

  9. mike says:

    i had the same line of thinking fro elecid regarding the product names and what they actually meant turns out the names sorta have meaning…

    constrict is for guys with curly poofy hair i believe, it just has a relaxer in the formula.
    dual is a 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner
    intense is for guys that use lots of product in their hair. it has exfoliants in it to scrub out the product.
    armor is an antidandruff shampoo
    lure is a conditioner
    prime is just a basic shampoo

    still not sure about how they actually smell…

  10. K.C says:

    I really hate the Axe commercial and I really hate Axe. It smells like cheap colognes but, since pre-teen guys still believe it has pheromones that attract girls their line of products will only grow.

  11. Marvo says:

    @yr momz – I think anyone who wears too much Axe should stay in the closet, so that I don’t have to smell them. I’m pretty sure Axe wearers contribute to global warming.

    @Chuck – I would’ve made a public service warning, but I didn’t know how to make sirens go off when people visit this post.

    @Diana – I never thought about using it as bug spray. I guess it can attract women by allowing guys to kill roaches for women. Chivalry is not dead.

    @Elecid – HA! I’m waiting for one of their products to be called Stank.

    @Erika – You should let him know that I’m laughing at him.

    @ratbuddy – If you were around me, you would prefer the cologne scent instead of my all natural scent.

    @Jesse – Ugh…I don’t want monkeys humping my head…again.

    @MCW – Yes, I have and I think they’re trying to say that women are evil and they try to tear men apart.

    @mike – I’m pretty sure they all smell alike, like all the other Axe products.

    @K.C – Don’t pre-teen guys know it’s what’s on the inside that count…or if you have an iPhone.

  12. Anthony says:

    k iam like 14 so i u saying guys shouldn’t get them or wat cause i was only going to buy them cause i whanted to ues a good shmpoo

  13. Josh says:

    Trust me, Axe shampoo isn’t that good for your hair. In fact i wouldn’t even use Axe shampoo to wash my car. It’ll eat right through the clear coat finish.



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