REVIEW: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix

Death by Hello Kitty is not how I hope to leave this Earth, but the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix has the power to make it happen with its 2,739 milligrams of sodium per package.

Although that’s not how I imagined Hello Kitty would truly off me.

I figure if Hello Kitty wanted to end me, she would use Hello Kitty chloroform or Hello Kitty roofies to knock me unconscious, restrain me with Hello Kitty handcuffs or Hello Kitty duct tape, keep me silent with a Hello Kitty gag rag, throw me in the back of a Hello Kitty van, drive me to the nearest Sanrio shop, secure my body to a Hello Kitty torture rack, pour water all over me with a Hello Kitty bucket, wake me up via electrocution with Hello Kitty jumper cables connected to a Hello Kitty car battery, break my nose with the butt of a Hello Kitty M-16 assault rifle, place several connected sticks of Hello Kitty dynamite around my body with a long fuse, light the fuse with a Hello Kitty blowtorch, say to me “Goodbye, Kitty,” walk away and I blow up moments later.

The Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix (or furikake for those of you who like to keep it real) is made up of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed, strips of dried seaweed, rice crackers, bonito powder, monosodium glutamate and a shitload of salt and cuteness, both of which can cause high blood pressure.

When I first received the product, I expected it to contain nothing but kawaii Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of seaweed, but it came with all of the not-so-cute ingredients and only 5-7 Hello Kitty-shaped seaweed in each of the three packets. The amount is enough to satisfy a casual Hello Kitty fan, but not enough for a Hello Kitty maniac who would probably use the pieces to create an extravagant stop motion video and post it on YouTube to prove that she is THE Ultimate Hello Kitty Fan.

Each packet has enough to sprinkle over 3-4 bowls of rice or, if you’re feeling lucky, one-soon-to-be-very-salty bowl of rice. The product was much like other rice seasoning mixes I’ve had. It had a fishy and salty taste, although it was significantly saltier than others, but I guess it should be since salt is the first item listed in the ingredients list. I’m surprised that my blood pressure didn’t rise by just having it in my apartment. The rice crackers added a little crunch, but didn’t add to the taste since the salt and MSG overwhelmed everything, like the smell of a stripper after receiving a lap dance. Even with its disappointing taste, I can see Hello Kitty fanatics buying this to make their bowls of rice more adorable.

Besides increasing blood pressure, the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix proves that the people who own the license to Hello Kitty have no shame and love the money from licensing Hello Kitty to any company who is willing to dish it out. If Hello Kitty wanted to, she could probably get rid of those greedy bastard by using the second cutest way to die, which is Sailor Moon hair strangulation.

(Nutrition Facts – 16.5 gram package – 36 calories, less than 1 gram of fat, 0 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 2739 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix
Price: FREE
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Received from sister
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Dried seaweed shaped like Hello Kitty. Rice crackers add crunch. It’s from Japan.
Cons: Extremely high in sodium. Contains MSG. Not a lot of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed. No pink. Sailor Moon hair strangulation. Death by Hello Kitty. The whoring of Hello Kitty.

14 thoughts on “REVIEW: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix

  1. I’m pretty sure that Hello Kitty shaped pieces of seaweed are one of the indicators of an upcoming apocalypse.

    By the way, there is one tiny flaw in your realistic abduction scenario. I’m pretty sure Hello Kitty has no gag rags because she has no mouth. It’s kind of like how there are no sunglasses in a world where everyone is blind.

  2. I think what you have there is broccoli raab (野沢菜)-flavored chazuke (茶漬け) mix. That’s why it was so salty, and why there were little balls of rice cracker included. You should try getting a small bowl of rice, putting a packet on top, and adding some (not too much not too little) water to it and see if you get chazuke.

  3. I thought they might try to at least color the nori pink or something in honor of Thee Kitty. I remember buying Doraemon branded furikake or ochazuke mix a long ago and being disappointed. The stuff was pure MSG. I have to say I eat ochazuke on occasion when there’s nothing around but rice, but if I can make it without the packet I’ll do that. Leftover salted misozuke salmon and torn up nori works pretty well

  4. You should try sprinkling some of that Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix on Hello Kitty Popcorn. That just might turn out to be some darned oishii Hello Kitty Hurricane Popcorn.

    Don’t forget to wash it down with a Kerokeropi Lime Soda.

  5. @Orchid64: But the other Sanrio characters do and she probably uses it on them to maintain her Sanrio superiority.

    @Erin: I shall try it the next time I cook rice. You explanation makes sense since that’s what it looks like I was supposed to do from the picture on the packaging. Damn Japanese products and their kanji that I can’t read, except for the numbers 1-10.

    @Heidi: You must REALLY hate rice.

    @Bryan: I’m surprised the product and packaging is void of any pink. Makes it seem less feminine. Although, pink nori would be very disturbing. I recently had pink arare and I didn’t feel right eating it.

    @Woodenhand: ::whispers:: Hello Kitty is evil

    @Pomai: I’m not a fan Hurricane Popcorn. I don’t like the combination of arare, nori and popcorn. It just seems weird to me. Maybe I’m just a popcorn purist and prefer artery-clogging butter.

    @twig: I would try that. I’d also like to try Hello Kitty Cup Noodles ramen, but I have yet to find it.

  6. That Bastard Hello Kitty

    What the hell thats alot of salt
    Hello Salty must be stopped im the man to do it
    im loading my 44 mag Israeli desert eagle

    THAT IS ALL

  7. I can’t believe you didn’t know you were eating dry ochazuke mix and not furikake. Heh, heh, my Japanese co-workers are going to say “Eeeh, baka jya nai no?” and I’ll say “Yes, especially since there is a picture of ochazuke on the front of the package.”

    Wait, do you know what ochazuke is? In its’ purest form, it’s basically rice with hot tea poured over it. Your purported “furikake” was meant to be diluted with water. It would have been (slightly) less salty that way.

    My goodness, Pomai. I can’t believe you know what Keroppi is too!!

  8. @Neil the hammer: ::whispers:: She can’t be stopped.

    @Molly: Pfff!!!! I’m a guy. I DON’T READ INSTRUCTIONS. Or look at pictures. I just put 2 and 2 together. Sometimes they equal 4. Sometimes they equal 3. Sometimes they equal a tilde. Also, of course I know what ochazuke is. Ocha means tea and zuke means something that I probably didn’t learn during my 2.5 years of Japanese language in college. (Yeah, I failed to meet the C requirement one semester.).

    @Chris: Soldiers can easily be seen with that bad boy, unless they’re in a Sanrio store.

  9. “My goodness, Pomai. I can’t believe you know what Keroppi is too!!”

    Psh, who doesn’t know Keroppi?

    You guys remember the Keroppi game at Shirokiya?

    Good times, good times.

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