If you don’t want friends, co-workers bothering you or don’t want to lose your virginity, I believe one of the easiest ways to make either of those things happen is to eat the Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers. They come in two flavors — Wisconsin Colby and Vermont White Cheddar — but it really doesn’t matter which one you choose because they both will make your mouth a noxious hole that some dentists wouldn’t even dare to explore.
I’m no sophisticated, snobby cheese connoisseur, so I can’t claim I’ve tried either the Wisconsin Colby or Vermont White Cheddar in their curdled block form and I also don’t know if these cheeses are as pungent as these crackers. All I really know about them is what’s printed on their respective boxes, which say Wisconsin Colby cheese is, “…known for its mild, gentle flavor and smooth texture,” and Vermont White Cheddar cheese is, “…famous for its high quality, creamy texture and just a hint of sharpness.”
Just to let you know, about 45 percent of my cheese consumption comes in the form of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, 15 percent comes from Mexican/Taco Bell food, 10 percent comes from pizza, another 10 percent comes from other fast food, 5 percent comes from Cheez-Its, another 5 percent comes from Doritos, another 5 percent comes from Cheetos, and the last 5 percent of my cheese consumption comes from accidently drinking milk that expired three months earlier.
The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers don’t come in the same square shape as all the other Wheat Thins. Instead these cheesy crackers come in a shape familiar to beekeepers and those who play the board game The Settlers of Catan — a hexagon.
Both flavors were covered in a cheesy powder, which ended up on my fingers. I thought the flavors of both were weird when I first tried them, I guess because I thought they were a little strong, but a few crackers later I found myself enjoying them. The cheesy flavors were different than what I’m used to with the radioactive orange cheese snacks I usually consume, but these crackers were just as crunchy as my normal cheesy snacks. The Vermont White Cheddar had the stronger cheesy flavor and it was my favorite between the two. The Wisconsin Colby was tasty too, but I felt like it made my mouth stinkier.
The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers seem to be marketed as fancier than their regular square counterparts, which makes me question my belief that putting slices of American cheese on top of regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds is fancy. If cheesy crackers that make your breath smell like you made out with a mousetrap is considered snazzy, then I’m going to need some strong minty chewing gum.
(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 or 230 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 or 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 6% iron.)
Item: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. No trans fat or high fructose corn syrup. Provides 5 grams of whole grain. Minty chewing gum. Putting American cheese on regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds.
Cons: Cheesy flavor may taste weird at first. Some people may not care for the cheesy flavors. Cheesy powder will end up fingers. Will make your breath smell. Drinking expired milk. My cheese consumption. Making out with a mousetrap.