REVIEW: Pepsi Natural

Pepsi Natural reminds me of naked hippies.

Why? Sit down and I will tell you.

It happened during summer vacation after my sophomore year in college. I returned home to decompress after earning a well-deserved 1.6 GPA, which I obtained by failing Russian and Math 100. My high school friends also came home and we decided to do some camping and hiking along the Kona Coast, which is mostly made up of hardened lava rocks with occasional sandy beaches, private multimillion dollar mansions, and expensive resort hotels.

As we came upon one of the secluded sandy beaches, we noticed two people sunbathing. As we got closer, they stood up, and it was at this time we found out it was a man and a woman and they were naked. It was the first time I’d ever seen nude sunbathers. I was hoping we would pass right by them, but instead my friend said hello and soon after that a conversation ensued.

Their names were Ocean and Rainbow and they’ve been living on the beach for the past couple of weeks. The couple looked like they were in their 60s, but their leathery skin might’ve made them look older than they truly were. Ocean took a hit off of a joint and then passed it to his female companion, whose breasts seemed to have lost the war with gravity a long time ago. She offered the joint to us, but we declined. The smell of the marijuana helped cover their musky body odors.

Now if you’ve never met a nude sunbather, the first thing you might tell yourself is to not look down at their crotch, which is probably the right thing to think. While my friend was talking to them, I tried to focus on their faces, but something moving in my peripheral vision caught my eye. I darted my eyes towards the moving object and saw it was Ocean’s penis. And it wasn’t moving, it was growing out from an unkept afro of pubic hairs. My eyes quickly shifted to Rainbow’s saggy breasts, then up to her blue eyes and stayed there. But my peripheral vision still noticed his rising cock.

Then I closed my eyes, but opened them when Rainbow called out Ocean’s name with a disapproving tone. “I guess I’m happy to see them,” Ocean replied.

The words coming out of his mouth drew my eyes toward him and then when he looked down, I also looked down and there in my vision was his bronzed boner, which was very similar in color to the Pepsi Natural, hence the reason why it reminds me of naked hippies. My looking quickly turned into staring, but I couldn’t help it because all I could think about was how horrible it must be to have a sunburned cock and I tried to see how the sun’s rays affected it. But I didn’t find out anything because we left soon after.

I think Ocean and Rainbow would like Pepsi Natural, but not because its amber color, that’s noticeably lighter than regular Pepsi, looks like the same shade as Ocean’s tanned penis. They would like it because it’s an all-natural cola made with sparking water, sugar, kola nut extract and eight other less exciting ingredients that either end with the word “acid” or “gum.” It doesn’t taste like regular Pepsi or have the same bite, instead it tastes somewhat earthy and not as sweet, which is probably due to the kola nut extract.

Overall, I did enjoy the flavor of Pepsi Natural. It’s definitely something different than what I’m used to when it comes to Pepsi, but that difference was refreshing. It still reminds me of a naked hippie’s bronzed boner (and after reading this review, it will probably remind you too), but I will continue to enjoy it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepsi Natural
Price: $12.00
Size: 12-ounce 12-pack
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing flavor. Earthy flavor and not as sweet. All-natural cola. Twist top. Uses real sugar. Hiking and camping on the Kona Coast. Marijuana masking hippie body odors.
Cons: Different Pepsi flavor that might take some getting used to. Reminds me of naked hippie’s bronzed boner. Failing classes. Just doing it in missionary position. Saggy breasts. Leathery skin. Sunburned penises.

24 thoughts on “REVIEW: Pepsi Natural

  1. Try seeing naking Germans sunbathing in Munich. It is funny because the whole family will play soccer naked. Or just two dudes sitting there chatting (one was naked and the other was clothed). So different from Ameirca and our modest views on nakedness

  2. Hmmm I agree with LordJezo real sugar is a standard that should have never left the beverage industry that’s why so many people where surprised by the flavor of “throwback” pepsi and mountain dew. I look foward to trying this product. I’m also predicting a pretty strong review from Neil the Hammer

  3. Oh my word Marvo!!! That was like a car wreak that you keep staring at even though you know you shouldn’t….I knew it would be bad to keep reading but for some reason I had to push on through….I mean that in the best way possible 🙂

    I don’t think I will every think of Pepsi Natural the same again….nor do I think I’ll ever try it.

  4. I may have met this couple in Humboldt County while they were living at College Beach. Or maybe they have twins. (Pastier ones, of course, since it is NorCal.)

    I picked up a four pack of Pepsi Natural as a true Impulsive Buy (TM) before Easter. Just finished the last one over the weekend. I drink sodas like it’s some sort of liquor, in a lowball glass. So in total I might have had one full bottle.

    It was nice, crisp. But ultimately it tasted like Pepsi.

    (I don’t drink sodas very often.)

  5. @Nevis: I’m not sure if glass bottles or more eco-friendly, but I do know that if you smash the bottle at the end of the table, it makes an awesome weapon.

    @amanda: I’m all for nude sunbathing, when sexy people are involved.

    @Chuck: It’s also the same color as some beers. See now it just ruined some beers for you.

    @LordJezo: Maybe someday soda makers will keep it real and put real sugar in our drinks, but until then I’m going to continue to make fun of high fructose corn syrup.

    @Woodenhand: I predict Neil the hammer will end his comment with THAT IS ALL.

    @Bear Silber: you should try it, but pour it in a glass mug. Because the bottle is a little phallic if you think about it.

    @cybele: This might be a horrible thing to say, but I believe all hippies look alike. You could put a whole bunch of them in a row and I probably would not be able to tell the difference between them.

  6. That is both the most awesome and the most disturbing review EVER!

    And why is it that it is never the hot people who want to be naked? it’s always the ones that have lost the fight with gravity or those that if anything should consider a burqa.

    And what do hippies have against soap?! My cousin is a young hippie (he says dude a lot and is actively pre-treating his possible glaucoma filled future) and I am just saying being in a close quarters with him is… fragrant.

  7. Wow I read your story and while reading it I POPPED A PUP TENT.So I drown my penis in a pepsi throwback


  8. I’ll have to go to my local costco and so if they have this. I haven’t found the throwback sodas. I went to several stores and I didn’t find it 🙁

  9. Hahaha and how badly has that scarred you for life Marvo?

    I saw it when I was at Target but was scared to buy it.. maybe I will next time.

  10. Sunburn can be avodied with a well-placed cocktail umbrella. [pause for someone to make the obvious “cocktail umbrella” pun] Or so angry bob hears. Somebody should make one specifically for that purpose so you don’t have to scavenge them from your drinks. They could have a little rings to hold them in place and come in different sizes and colors. Matching sets for gay couples. angry bob should have gone into marketing.

  11. I actually bought this a couple weeks ago. I paid $5 for 4 bottles at a Fred Meyers in Alaska. I also bought a 12 pack of Big K cola for $3 that day.

    I didn’t really like pepsi natural to be honest. Too natural I guess, I like to drink my chemicals.

  12. Marvo, between the hippies and the trannies you seem to be even more obsessed with boners than I am. Bravo.

  13. @Andy: It would’ve been an even more amazing story if I kept in the part about the orgy.

    @Gigi: well then, I shall attempt to make an even more disturbing review in the future.

    @tool: It would have been an even more cooler story if I kept in the part about hanging out with the inventor of the pacemaker.

    @liz: Next time I’ll come up with an even more lovelier description.

    @Neil the hammer: You’ve been drinking a lot of Pepsi throwbacks recently. That’s a lot of real sugar you’re consuming.

    @Bunny: Wow. Sounds like the stores around you suck. I’d suggest going to every convenience store because that’s where I’m finding them.

    @lex: It takes a lot to scar me for life. I have really thick skin and a thick layer of hair on top of that.

    @angry bob: I would just put SPF 90 sunscreen all over it.

    @Natalie: Well, at least you can use the bottles in a bar fight. They make excellent weapons when shattered.

    @Bear Silber: I’d like to see a 2 L bottle of this stuff.

    @cian: I didn’t know you were into old hippies. 🙂

    @grinder: I say a boner a day keeps the doctor away.

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