REVIEW: Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat

Beer and college go together like peanut butter and jelly, spaghetti and meatballs, Bret Michaels and anti-fungal medication, Botox and the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, RuPaul and surgical tape…

Okay, I think you get the idea. But, how about beer and fruit?

“Beer and fruit you say? I don’t want no fruity stuff in my brewski. I don’t even want that little pansy orange when I get a Blue Moon. Fruit and beer!?! Knock it off with your crazy talk, stop blocking the TV and go make me a turkey pot pie, woman.”

Well, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, I guess you wouldn’t be willing to try Long Trail’s Blackbeary (yes, Beary) Wheat.

Just like you, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, I too am a consumer of beers typically found in packs of 30 due to the crickets that have found a place in my wallet and chirp on cue when I open it just to piss me off and make fun of the fact that I am a poor college student. Those bastards. However sometimes when I want to splurge (especially when I’m in New Hampshire where beer is much cheaper than the Keystone State.) I pick up something that’s local and what I assume has better quality than a 30-pack of The Beast.

Long Trail is a brewery that hails from Vermont and…

“Vermont you say!?! You’re telling me they make beer in the state that got those Birkenstock-wearin’ liberal hippies, ice cream with names that are always a play on words and maple syrup!?! I told ya to knock it off with your crazy talk. And where the hell is my turkey pot pie?”

Well, yes, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, Long Trail is from Vermont and, actually, Vermont has more breweries per capita than any other state. Throughout the year, Long Trail likes to put out specialty brews that fit the season, and usually they have cute names and adorable labels with bears skiing or lounging out by trees or, in the case of the Blackbeary Wheat, an angry wife holding a rolling pin about to smack her husband who is attempting to take a piece of pie.

“Cute and adorable you say!?! Beer ain’t supposed to be cute or adorable. I need a beer that uses hot babes with their jugs bouncing up and down in their commercials, not some damn cartoon bear. Speaking about pie, where the hell is mine!?!”

Oh, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, you are so right. Beer shouldn’t be about how cute the label is; it’s all about the taste. The right amount of hops, how much alcohol it has, how quickly you can pound it during a game of beer pong, or with Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat, the perfect fruit to grain ratio.

“Ratio!?! What the hell are you talkin’ about, ratio? When I’m drinkin’ a nice cold one I don’t wanna think about some damn mathematical equation!”

Nor do I, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer drinker, but when I do drink a fruit type beer like Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, I keep in mind the unification of fruit and grain. However, I couldn’t find any unification whatsoever while drinking the Blackbeary Wheat. In fact, I had to do a double take at the label to make sure I was drinking a fruit infused brew. The fruit flavor was nonexistent, like Spencer Pratt’s brain, which left my mouth wanting something with more substance even after I downed two of them.

“See, I told ya. Don’t buy those fancy, pansy-ass beers with cute names, stick to brews that got one syllable names like Bud or Miller.”

Um, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, Miller has two syllables…

“One. Two. Same difference. Now what did I say? Stop blockin’ the TV and go make me a turkey pot pie, woman.”

Item: Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat
Price: $11.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 oz – 12 pack
Purchased at: Shaw’s
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: It’s beer. Funny/adorable label. Beer commercials. Playing beer pong. Only 6 grams of carbs. Being able to purchase beer at a grocery store. Poking fun at misogynistic stereotypes.
Cons: Literally no trace of blackberry. Literally no buzz. The crickets in my wallet rubbing it in that I purchased this instead of a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

22 thoughts on “REVIEW: Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat

  1. you should have reviewed sparks while you still had a chance. anyway, i don’t see this shit earning a blue ribbon on anytime soon.

  2. Do you know the alcohol content? WHile I was in Belguim I had some very awesome cherry beer that was had a higher alcohol content. But then again…european beer is way better than american

  3. That’s disappointing. They let all us Bears down….come to think of it…we never received notice that Blackberry was now going to be Blackbeary in an effort to be clever. The community of Bears has NO connection with this product regardless of what the label and name may imply…it’s all a ploy to piggyback our fame and fortune….do not trust their antics.

  4. Ok, mrs. splitpersonality…your metropolitan-fancy-brew-drinking personality and your manly-crappy-beer-drinking side seem to have gotten in a fight… ;)

    Nonetheless…I would certainly agree with your review! Though, to their credit, the other Long Trail brews that I’ve had have been much better!

  5. I am a beer aficionado, and I happen to like fruit beer quite well, as long as it’s not mega sweet. Pyramid Apricot Ale is one of my faves. I’ve had good blueberry beer also. Sorry your experience with blackberry bear sucked. Fruit beer can be tasty AND give you a buzz.

  6. @Amanda According to Beer Advocate, it’s only 4.00% Yeah, I’m a fan of more full bodied beers like Schneider Aventinus (when I’m not broke) which one of those gets me feeling mighty good since it’s over 8% and I am a lil’ thang standing at a towering 5’0.

  7. I kinda liked this beer because it only had a hint of berry, eh beary flavor – but yeah, compared to other Long Trail brews this one is a bit lame. I just tried their Belgian White (also a wheat beer) and thought it was really good.

    I’ve visited this brewery, and its a cool place for some good food and a little tour. Vermont’s got a great craft-beer thing goin’ on!

  8. i’d like to know what kind of people actually drink this shit… probably some dude 15 years into a sexless marriage who occasionally is allowed to drink a beer under the condition that his wife selects the beer.

  9. Yay a beer review, keep them coming!! It’s fun to see this stuff not on beer advocate or rate beer. Also generally only special Fall edition pumpkin and/or blueberry ales are decent fruit beers and the rest are disgusting and undrinkable (Southern Tier’s Pumpking literally tastes like pie, which may or may not do it for some people).

    For anyone who is interested in full bodied beers you should give American craft imperials a chance (IPA’s and stouts – Oskar Blues in CO, Brooklyn Brewery, Founders in MI, Russian River in CA a bunch of others). They’re amazing and in my opinion way more interesting, better tasting and innovative than Belgian/German styles or UK pub/session beers (even if the recipes did originate from those regions). They do cost a little more than Coors, PBR or Bud but I think the taste is worth it. Plus one 12 oz bottle is usually between 7% and 10% so it’s kind of like a 2 for 1;D

  10. @skibs: Imagine when Ace comes back. People will be so confused. I shouldn’t put a byline. I should let everyone guess who wrote the review. :-)

  11. Marvo..
    hah..good stuff!!
    All three of your authors are if not just like you, much like you in writing/review style and it is quite tasty.
    Perhaps when he returns you can have a prize drawing with the people who correctly guessed the reviewer and then put them in another drawing… voting stats would be a must though!

  12. I would be attracted to a beer label with cute bears. Maybe if I can find some in Hawaii I’d try their other flavors. Great review Kayla. The Vermont and Typical Mr. Beer drinker stereotypes were spot-on!

  13. I’m actually a big fan of Blackbeary Wheat Long Trail in spite of (or maybe because of) its lack of fruitiness. If you want a fruity wheat beer, try the Samuel Adams Seasonal Blackberry Witbier.

  14. I hail from Vermont and I’m not a Long Trail fan but, I can vouch for the high quality of some of VT’s other breweries. If you’re looking for a delicious fruit beer, try Vermont Pub & Brewery’s Forbidden Fruit, which is so raspberry that it’s actually red [but you actually have to go to the brewery in Burlington to get it] — or Magic Hat’s #9, which is apricot [and you can buy this one in stores].

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