REVIEW: Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze

Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, it’s not your local flea market, although I have heard of people scoping out sexy “honeyz” and “ballaz” as well as counterfeit designer bags by Preda, Zoach and Lou E. ViTon (I think that’s the name of the guy who owns the hoagie shop by my apartment). If you’re looking for love or something else, look no further than everyone’s semi-slutty friend, the Internet, at a little known place called Craigslist.

Craigslist provides hours and hours of comedy when I am trying to accomplish work that includes coming up with new double entendres, or perfecting the “That’s what (insert pronoun here) said” routine. The best part of Craigslist is the personal ads. You won’t find 1,000 dimensions of connectivity that can help you find the person who enjoys long walks on a nude beach as well as Bukovinian Dance. Instead, you’ll find people that cut to the chase and just tell you what they want (what they really, really want) by simple, sometimes abbreviated phrases like: BIG DIK WNTD 4 GDTIME.

The Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze is the offspring of two beloved food items that found each other via Craigslist, the Metro, or a VH1 reality show. You have the older-than-it-looks Slushie (or in Taco Bell’s case, the “Freeze” portion of the Frutista Freeze), who, let’s be honest here, has been around the block with everyone from Coke to Pepsi, and even had a bi-curious rendezvous with Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch dude. Then there’s the sexy, oh so sweet and juicy pineapple (aka the golden fruit of lusciousness). Delicious and nutritious on its own, yet it seems to me that this fruit is always teaming up with something not so healthy, like sugary syrup or cake that is served upside down. This latest marriage is no exception.

Now, I must admit, I do like pina coladas, but I absolutely fucking hate getting caught in the rain, and I won’t even attempt to try a Feathered Peacock Pose. That being said, I was looking forward to the Pina Colada Frutista Freeze. The first sip didn’t whisk me away to some paradise where I would ride a white stallion on the beach; instead it brought me back to when I would order virgin versions of the beverage on Caribbean cruises with my folks. I haven’t consumed a pina colada (both virgin and whore) in quite sometime, but Taco Bell’s version fulfilled my pina colada desires.

The slush part, which is a perfect combination of coconut and pineapple, could be great on its own. But when you throw pineapple cubes on top, it just elevates this icy beverage into something a little classy. Yes, I just called something produced by Taco Bell classy. The Frutista Freeze comes in one size, which absolutely sucks because, just when you’re about to reach frozen beverage orgasm, it’s all gone. The only thing missing from Taco Bell’s Frutista Freeze (besides alcohol to all of us of legal age) is the little umbrella. And as everyone knows, that little umbrella means everything when sipping on a frozen pina colada.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Frutista Freeze – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 48 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pina Colada Frutista Freeze
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Size: 479 grams
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sweet icy goodness. Real fruit. Making fun of people that try to find true love by sleazy means. Finding vintage 90’s toys. Fat free.
Cons: No umbrella. Getting caught in the rain. Only comes in one size. Marie Osmond.

17 thoughts on “REVIEW: Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze

  1. All Taco Bell needs now is to just sell it with the rum already in. It would be a big hit since Taco Bell has been the drunk food of choice for many years. So many reasons why: cheap eats, late drive thru. When I lived in Texas back in the early 2000s they actually had a drive thru Daiguiri Factory. That was also when Texas had an Open container law where your passenger could get tanked while you are drivin’ them. Good old Texans!!

  2. Dude I love pina coladas, I need to try this. I’m a big fan of JIB but I rarely go. When I was in high school it was the spot to be at 1am….really thte only option in my town at that time.

  3. Ok I have never had a pina coladas or anything with that flavor. Pathetic I know. It sounds good though.
    No can’t do the feathered peacock pose due to my disabled arm 😛

  4. oooooh So it is actually good? Score! I wonder if Canada has it yet? When it comes to new and wonderful foods at chain restaurants we tend to fall behind. And score for you if you can do that yoga pose. I need to get back into the yoga…

  5. @ Marvo and Lex I can barely do basic Yoga. I’m small (only 5’0), but I am not built like a Romanian gymnastics champion. My flexibility basically ends with me putting one leg over my head, but I would have to be sitting down to perform that….and no ping pong balls would be involved that’s for damn sure.

  6. This drink looks like it would be fairly tasty, I’m a man of ever changing and some say odd taste, but I’m sure this might be quite delicious, especially if “forty-fide” with a bit of Rum.

  7. @ amanda – I’m pretty sure you can still to that in Missouri. (the drunken passenger open container law part, not the drive-thru daiquiris)

    I haven’t been to a Taco Bell since they started the Frutista thing, is there a strawberry one too? I’d get one of each, mix them together to make a Taco Bell Miami Vice, and then possibly reach multiple frozen beverage orgasms. Mmm… multiples.

  8. @Kayla: Since you’ve already established the Rupert Holmes connection (which Marvo brought up in an earlier review), the correct response to Marvo and Lex was “I’m not much into health food, I am in-to champagne.”

  9. Hmmm this looks like it could be very refreshing on a hot day, (which we seem to be having a lot around here) looks pretty tasty… yum.

  10. I love Marie Osmand she is fine and a nice girl
    I would love to marry her and I would take her to taco bell for slushys then have sex with her as i drankmy frozen drink. Then i would ask her to scrath my back for an hour
    WOW IM GETTING RANDY

    THAT IS ALL I THINK YES THAT IS ALL

  11. I’ve had some of the TB freezes before but not this flavor. All the ones I have tried were very good. TB’s food, on the other hand…I kind of got tired of it when I have so many better options for Mexican food here in Texas.

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