REVIEW: Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze

Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, it’s not your local flea market, although I have heard of people scoping out sexy “honeyz” and “ballaz” as well as counterfeit designer bags by Preda, Zoach and Lou E. ViTon (I think that’s the name of the guy who owns the hoagie shop by my apartment). If you’re looking for love or something else, look no further than everyone’s semi-slutty friend, the Internet, at a little known place called Craigslist.

Craigslist provides hours and hours of comedy when I am trying to accomplish work that includes coming up with new double entendres, or perfecting the “That’s what (insert pronoun here) said” routine. The best part of Craigslist is the personal ads. You won’t find 1,000 dimensions of connectivity that can help you find the person who enjoys long walks on a nude beach as well as Bukovinian Dance. Instead, you’ll find people that cut to the chase and just tell you what they want (what they really, really want) by simple, sometimes abbreviated phrases like: BIG DIK WNTD 4 GDTIME.

The Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze is the offspring of two beloved food items that found each other via Craigslist, the Metro, or a VH1 reality show. You have the older-than-it-looks Slushie (or in Taco Bell’s case, the “Freeze” portion of the Frutista Freeze), who, let’s be honest here, has been around the block with everyone from Coke to Pepsi, and even had a bi-curious rendezvous with Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch dude. Then there’s the sexy, oh so sweet and juicy pineapple (aka the golden fruit of lusciousness). Delicious and nutritious on its own, yet it seems to me that this fruit is always teaming up with something not so healthy, like sugary syrup or cake that is served upside down. This latest marriage is no exception.

Now, I must admit, I do like pina coladas, but I absolutely fucking hate getting caught in the rain, and I won’t even attempt to try a Feathered Peacock Pose. That being said, I was looking forward to the Pina Colada Frutista Freeze. The first sip didn’t whisk me away to some paradise where I would ride a white stallion on the beach; instead it brought me back to when I would order virgin versions of the beverage on Caribbean cruises with my folks. I haven’t consumed a pina colada (both virgin and whore) in quite sometime, but Taco Bell’s version fulfilled my pina colada desires.

The slush part, which is a perfect combination of coconut and pineapple, could be great on its own. But when you throw pineapple cubes on top, it just elevates this icy beverage into something a little classy. Yes, I just called something produced by Taco Bell classy. The Frutista Freeze comes in one size, which absolutely sucks because, just when you’re about to reach frozen beverage orgasm, it’s all gone. The only thing missing from Taco Bell’s Frutista Freeze (besides alcohol to all of us of legal age) is the little umbrella. And as everyone knows, that little umbrella means everything when sipping on a frozen pina colada.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Frutista Freeze – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 48 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pina Colada Frutista Freeze
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Size: 479 grams
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sweet icy goodness. Real fruit. Making fun of people that try to find true love by sleazy means. Finding vintage 90’s toys. Fat free.
Cons: No umbrella. Getting caught in the rain. Only comes in one size. Marie Osmond.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles

I’ve decided what I want to be when I grow up. Screw being a quasi-product review blogger editor. I want to be the one who comes up with new frozen waffle variations because it sounds like it’s the frickin’ easiest job in the world.

If I were in charge of developing new frozen waffle varieties, it would probably go something like this:

Frantic people will come running into my large corner office. They think consumers have grown tired of the dozens of other waffle varieties I’ve come up with, so they need me to come up with something new. As I sit in my big, comfy leather office chair, I’ll put my elbows on the armrests and bring my hands together in front of my face, forming a dome, with only my fingertips touching each other. I’ll close my eyes and pretend I’m in deep thought. While concentrating, I’ll slightly nod my head a few times and then follow that with slight shakes of my head. Then I’ll hum, “uh huh” and then inhale deeply, indicating that I’ve come up with greatness. I’ll raise my head while exhaling and opening my eyes. Then I’ll pan across the room filled with eager looks. I’ll pause for dramatic effect and then say in a confident tone, “Bacon. Filled. Waffles.”

People will yell, “brilliant.” Others will say, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Some of them will fall to their knees and cry because my ingenuity is at a level that they’ll never achieve, but they’re happy they were able to witness it first-hand. When the praise gets to be a little too much, I’ll just raise my hands, quietly shoo them away with hand gestures and once they leave my office, I’ll go back to admiring my own awesomeness in the mirror behind my desk until they need me again.

I think I need to make this happen soon because whoever came up with the Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles needs to get replaced.

These strawberry-filled frozen waffles are noticeably thicker than regular Eggo Waffles, which means they could only fit six to a box, instead of the usual eight. The strawberry filling can easily be seen in the waffle if you put it in front of a light, like you’re a mailbox thief looking for checks. The filling isn’t spread out from edge to edge, instead it fills up about two-thirds of the circumference.

Unfortunately, just like a juiced up baseball player with bad hand-eye coordination, it maybe thicker, but it isn’t very good. Because it’s a Nutri-Grain product, it doesn’t taste like regular Eggo Waffles and is made with six grams of whole grain. The strawberry filling, made from real fruit, has little to no flavor. The only purpose it seems to have is to possibly burn my mouth when I bite into it. I was hoping the filling would have some flavor so that I wouldn’t need to dump enough sugarrific syrup on it to turn me into a one man mosh pit.

This mediocre frozen waffle wouldn’t have happen if I were the one who came up with new varieties. Never mind the Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles. It would be all about the Kellogg’s Hungry Man Bacon & Egg Filled Eggo Waffles and they would be so thick that there can only be four in a box.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle – 130 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 15 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 6 waffles
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Syrup makes it better. Healthier than regular Eggo Waffles. Made with 6 grams of whole grains. 3 grams of dietary fiber. If I came up with frozen waffle varieties.
Cons: Strawberry filling has no flavor. Bland without syrup. Less waffles per box than regular Eggo waffles. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Being a douchebag by admiring my awesomeness in the mirror.

REVIEW: Ideaworks Comfort Wipe

Interviewer: Today, I’m speaking with the one and only Comfort Wipe. Thank you for coming.

Comfort Wipe: Thanks for having me. Do you need me to wipe your crack?

Interviewer: No, I’m fine.

Comfort Wipe: Well if you need to, just let me know.

Interviewer: Thanks. I appreciate that. So how did you get started with helping people wipe their asses?

Comfort Wipe: I guess it was just something I was born to do. Personally, I think in a previous life, I must’ve done some horrible things and as punishment I was reincarnated into a Comfort Wipe. I guess some folks get reincarnated into cockroaches and others become tools specifically made to wipe asses.

Interviewer: Help me imagine the type of person who would need you. Who are your clients?

Comfort Wipe: I deal mostly with those who are unable to reach down there, like disabled people who have limited dexterity. When it comes to helping them, I feel like I’m doing some good in the world and building up karma so that if I get reincarnated again I’ll end up being a beautiful butterfly or something that doesn’t involve being in between butt cheeks. Although I think that won’t be happening for a long time since I’m made out of a plastic that will take forever to decompose.

Interviewer: But what about those who aren’t disabled? What are your thought about you being marketed to those who don’t seem to need it?

Comfort Wipe: I don’t understand it. Are there people out there so prudish that they’re afraid to wipe their own asses? Sure, occasionally, the toilet paper can rip and your finger can accidently end up in your butt hole, and cleaning up after a bad case of diarrhea can get messy, but those instances are so rare, unless you have crappy toilet paper or eat Taco Bell every single day.

Interviewer: So how do you work?

Comfort Wipe: Well, take about three sheets of toilet paper and fold it in half. Take one end of the folded toilet paper and put it into my mouth. Then take the other end, wrap it around my head and also place that end into my mouth. My mouth will keep it in place. Then take my head in between your legs, with my mouth facing down, place it near your anal area and then wipe. Thankfully, because my mouth is facing in the opposite direction, I can’t toss your salad, even though I spend just as much time in between butt cheeks as someone’s bitch in prison.

Interviewer: Once we’re done wiping, how do we get rid of the toilet paper stuck to you?

Comfort Wipe: Just press the button on the top of the handle and my mouth will let go of both ends of the toilet paper. You may have to shake me a little since my head is made from a rubber-like material that has some tackiness to it.

Interviewer: How effective are you at cleaning down there?

Comfort Wipe: If you were to use your hands, you’d get a more thorough cleaning. I’m not saying this because I don’t like being jammed in between a person’s buttocks. But I’ve got court-side seats to what goes on down there so I know how effective I am and, to be honest, I don’t get you 100 percent clean. If you’re anal retentive, pun intended, you definitely won’t be satisfied. Also, if you’re using me to clean down there, you’ll probably end up using more toilet paper than if you were doing things by hand.

Interviewer: So you’re kind of a pain in the ass? Pun intended.

Comfort Wipe: It seems so. Another thing I should point out is that it’s suggested that I be cleaned after each use, but I can’t be immersed in water. Instead I should be cleaned with a moist wipe or a soft disposable cloth and mild soap, and then dried off with a soft disposable towel.

Interviewer: Wow. That seems extremely wasteful.

Comfort Wipe: Yes, it is.

Interviewer: One final questions. Is there anything you would like to say?

Comfort Wipe: All I want to say is, I’m sorry for whatever I did in my past life to become reincarnated as a Comfort Wipe.

(Note: If you’d like to see a video of this interview, it’s embedded below.)

Item: Ideaworks Comfort Wipe
Price: $9.99
Size: 15.75 inches
Purchased at: Amazon
Rating: 7 out of 10 (for those with limited dexterity)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (for almost everyone else)
Pros: Good for those people with limited dexterity. Toilet paper securely stays on. Unique release button to dispose of toilet paper. Tacky grip helps prevent it from slipping in your hands.
Cons: Won’t make you 100 percent clean. Being reincarnated as a Comfort Wipe. A pain in the ass to clean. You may end up using more toilet paper than usual. Unable to toss salad. Eating Taco Bell every single day.

REVIEW: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Chicken Marsala with Linguine Dinner Kit

If you’re expecting this Romano’s Macaroni Grill Chicken Marsala with Linguine dinner kit to taste like the stuff you can order in one of the many Macaroni Grill Italian restaurants across the United States, known for their poorly-lit dining areas, long waits to get a table and servers who have the unnatural ability to write upside down, you might be disappointed and use bread dipped in olive oil and pepper to drown your sorrow. However, it’s significantly better than pouring Ragu sauce over some noodles and chicken.

The dinner kit includes dried linguine pasta, Marsala sauce seasoning, seasoned flour, and Marsala cooking wine. All you need to provide to make this meal complete is boneless skinless chicken breasts, vegetable oil, hot water, butter, your appetite and the ability to turn on your stove.

Preparing the meal is quite simple. All you have to do is cut the chicken into pieces, dip it into the seasoned flour (which smells like powdered alcohol), brown the chicken in the pan, pour in the cooking wine (which smells less alcoholic than the seasoned flour), stir in the seasoning, let it simmer and then enjoy.

Light dimming optional.

Despite all of the alcohol-ish ingredients, it doesn’t have an alcohol taste, which probably burned away during the cooking process, so you won’t get ripped. And I know this because I’m a pussy when it come to alcohol and I was fine after eating it, if you consider singing Journey songs in my boxers “fine.” But, to be honest, I pretty much belt out Steve Perry tunes every night after dinner. It helps with digestion, especially the long notes in “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

Strangers waiting/Up and down the boulevard/Their shadows searching in the night/Streetlight people/Living just to find emotion/Hiding somewhere in the niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

Although the packaging says is makes five 1 cup servings per container, this kit provides about three normal servings of food (or two normal Macaroni Grill restaurant-sized portions). I felt there wasn’t enough sauce to slather the noodles provided, which makes eating the noodles not so exciting. Thankfully the chicken in the sauce soaked up a lot of it, providing most of the flavor, which was quite good.

Like I said at the beginning, it doesn’t taste like the dish you can get in the restaurant, but it’s quite flavorful for something made from a box. However, for the price I paid for it and the preparation I had to go through to make it, I think I’d prefer a complete frozen version that includes all the ingredients in a bag that I can stick in the microwave or conventional oven and then be like SPLIDOW!!!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup (prepared) – 330 calories, 13 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of protein, 10% iron, 20% thiamin, 10% riboflavin, 50% niacin and 15% folic acid.)

Item: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Chicken Marsala with Linguine Dinner Kit
Price: $4.99
Size: 10.1 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Quite good. Flavorful. Awesome source of niacin! Use of the term “splidow” in a review. Singing Journey songs to aid with digestion. Provides monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats. Being able to write upside down.
Cons: Its preparation. Having to provide half of the ingredients. Not enough sauce. Nutritional content in normal servings. Not microwaveable. The poorly-lit dining areas and long waits at Macaroni Grill. Me in my boxers singing Journey songs.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss

If you’re a botanist, or studying to become one, I would like to ask a simple favor from you. How about some muthafuckin’ seedless blackberries so that I can actually enjoy the Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss without having to endure the scratchy feel of blackberry seeds going down my throat?

If farmers can breed seedless watermelons and grapes, then why can’t they do the same with blackberries.

Seriously. Whose stamen do I have to suck to make this happen?

I know blackberry seeds are high in nutrients, like omega-3 fats, protein and fiber, but do you know what else they’re high in? Annoyance.

They can get stuck in between teeth, become lodged in other nooks and crannies in my mouth or cause pain if expelled though my nose because I was sucking on a Blackberry Bliss while reading something really funny, which I’m pretty sure won’t be anything in the Sunday funnies or on the Hallmark Movie Channel. Although I believe it’s possible to shoot seeds out of my nose by crying hard, so perhaps I should stay away from the tear-jerking Hallmark Movie Channel.

The Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss is made up of an apple-strawberry juice blend, frozen blueberries, frozen strawberries, plain sorbet, ice, frozen blackberries and raspberry sherbet, like the kind u find in a grocery store.

If it weren’t for the seeds, I think the Blackberry Bliss would give me some pleasure since it’s a cold smoothie and the temperature inside Impulsive Buy’s headquarters (i.e. my apartment) is about 89 degrees. It has a decent berry flavor, but the blackberry doesn’t stand out. However its color does, which gives the smoothie its dark purple hue that goths will love. It’s not as tart as I thought it was going to be since it contains blueberries and blackberries, but it’s also not as sweet as some of Jamba Juice’s other blended concoctions.

The Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss lands nowhere on my list of favorite flavors and I don’t see myself buying another unless I really want to count the number of seeds in an original size serving or, thanks to my stamen sucking, someone comes up with seedless blackberries.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 380 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 600 milligrams of potassium, 91 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 80 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 50% vitamin C, 10% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Blackberry Bliss
Price: $4.59
Size: 24-ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent berry flavor. Botany jokes. Not as tart as I thought it was going to be. Lame Prince references. Pretty dark purple color. Cold smoothies + hot weather = refreshing.
Cons: Lots of muthafuckin’ SEEDS!!! Blackberries don’t stand out. Not as sweet as other Jamba Juice smoothies. Shooting seeds out of my nose. Having to suck on stamens to get someone to create seedless blackberries.