REVIEW: Beemans Gum

Beemans Gum

Like the late great Anna Nicole Smith, I’m fond of old things, but unlike Miss Smith, the old things I enjoy does not include fossils of billionaire oil tycoons or expired bottles of TrimSpa found underneath a purple velvet sofa cushion that Bobby Trendy picked out while I thought I was Prince (Is it too soon for an Anna Nicole joke?).

Don’t get me wrong, modern technology is wonderful; where would this fine blog be without it? Maybe morse code or carrier pigeon reviews? But let’s step back for a moment; when young people would say “That’s the bee’s knees” instead of “That’s the shiznit.” A time when dapper young men would check out if a gal had nice gams instead of an ill nana, badonkadonk or fire crotch.

A time when Beemans Gum wasn’t considered old.

When was that? Let’s just say it’s older than your great-aunt Josie from Brooklyn. You know the one I’m talking about. The great-aunt that pinches your cheeks, thinks you’re still fifteen (even though you graduated medical school) and still has plastic on the sofa, because she believes FDR or the Pope might stop in for a cup of Sanka.

Actually, Beemans Gum is much, MUCH older.

Yet, even if it is ancient, its flavor is better than a lot of the latest chewing gums out there, which are in packaging that looks like it could be in an off-beat European home décor magazine. Originally it was a gum to aid in digestion and, to me, it tastes a little bit like Birch Beer. So what if the Beemans logo is plain and the packaging isn’t anything that will win design awards? It’s still so much fucking cooler (or “dandy” if it’s 1898) than modern chewing gums.

After doing some research on the product, I found out that Beemans Gum was considered lucky among pilots during the heyday of aviation. I guess Amelia Earhart wasn’t a fan of chewing gum (Is it too soon for an Amelia Earhart joke?).

Beemans and other nostalgic gums like Black Jack (which is amazing) and Clove have been released for public consumption every two years, and 2009 is one of those years. So I recommend picking up a pack before you actually need a time machine to go back to 2009 to get some. But then if that’s case, it would be worth it to go back to the turn of the century when it was cheaper, probably even tasted better and was widely available. Too bad us ladies won’t have the right to vote.

If you do go back, just don’t say, “Hey shawty, can I get yo digits?” to the nice girl in front of you, because just like if you did it in 2009, she would kick your ass.

Item: Beemans Gum
Price: 75 cents
Purchased at: Christmas Tree Shops
Size: 5 sticks
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly long lasting flavor. Early 20th Century slang. Not a fruit or mint gum. Aids in digestion. The first marketed chewing gum.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Early 21st Century slang. Not knowing when it’s too soon to make jokes about celebrities. Horrible attempts that clueless men use to get a woman’s phone number. Plastic on furniture.

22 thoughts on “REVIEW: Beemans Gum

  1. Everytime I see this gum it brings back memories of my grandmother and the light, sweet scent of the gum when she would kiss us goodnight or when the coronor performed
    her autopsy after she was shot by the FBI and they found 20 bags of herion plus 8 sticks of Beemans Gum in her stomach to help with her indijestion.

  2. “Is it too soon for an Amelia Earhart joke” – Hahah.

    I see this (and Black Jack & Clove) every so often and I’m always tempted….then disappointed. The flavor lasts about as long as JuicyFruit or FruitStripe. Bleeeech. I want to like it but sadly I don’t.

  3. Speaking of old things, how about finding a pertrified peanut butter & jelly under your bed. Apparently, my 4 year-old doesn’t like my cooking. He also hides real food in his play kitchen (nastiness when found).

  4. @Mr. Comfort Wipe First of all, I love your name. Second, I think I saw your grandmother’s story on Law and Order SUV; it was a touching episode.

    @Erin Brooks It tastes herb-like; not the good kind of herb, but more along the lines of root and birch beer.

  5. My favorite “old school” gum is Clove. It sounds like it has something to do with clove cigarettes, but it really doesn’t. Haven’t had any for a long time though.

  6. Correction- Law and Order SVU not SUV. Although, I’m surprised there isn’t a Law and Order SUV since there’s like 100 Law and Orders out there. SUV actually might be cool. A bunch of cops, lawyers and detectives driving around in Hummers on sand dunes.

  7. “I wish you’d get to the reviews quicker. It took you 5 paragraphs to tell us that the gum is old.

    Love the blog though.”

    You like to charge through all of the foreplay and go right for the review, huh? Your girlfriend must be thrilled.

    Also, how can you love the blog if you don’t like reading all of those pesky words that lead up to the review?

  8. Mmmmmmmmmm… Beemans. I grew up with this, Wrigley’s Spearment and Teaberry. Now that I’m more, er, mature my dental work won’t let me partake of gum… not that I ever did much anyway. It sucks to be over 30.

    You’ll find out.

    Thanks for some good memories of that kitchen drawer where my mom always stashed the gum!

  9. Great review, Kayla, but you might have mentioned that Beemans’ flavor is that of pepsin, the main flavor of that great toothpaste, Pepsodent. Pepsin was considered as an aid to digestion, which is why a lot of people used to chew Beemans after a meal.

  10. angry bob doesn’t need the review part, what with the government telling him what to eat. You should all just do your five intro paragraphs and then break into a game of mumbletypeg using the product in question as the target.

  11. I remember my dad giving my brothers and sisters and me some Beemans when we were little…we thought that was the coolest thing because it’s what “my grandparents chewed”.
    The Clove and Black Jack were pretty dang tasty!

  12. I never really noticed this gum until it disappeared and reappeared.

    Pepsin, for folks following along, is rather like a mild wintergreen flavor. (Or Pepto Bismol.)

  13. Hey dodo beautiful, why do you keep reviewing ancient products?
    I will patiently await your [or marvo’s] snarky intelligently crafted reply.

    (Comment edited by Marvo)

  14. Occasionally, Target Superstore puts out some “vintage” candies and gums. If I recall, Beemans, Teaberry and Black Jack are the gums they put out. I remember them all from my (jeezhasitbeenthatlong) childhood, and they still taste just as wonderful

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