Month: August 2009

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Big Carl

Marvo 25 Comments

Carl’s Jr. and McDonald’s need to stop the bickering. Okay, mostly Carl’s Jr.

So what if McDonald’s came out with burgers that uses Angus beef and Carl’s Jr. came out with their version of the Big Mac, called the Big Carl. Can’t they just get along because I’d hate to see this turn violent? I believe we lost Biggie and Tupac this way.

I love McDonald’s french fries and I love Carl’s Jr. burgers, so if I lost them both, I would have less places to get huge doses of calories, saturated fat and sodium from. I don’t want to have to eat at Quiznos! Also, I don’t want them to be killed and release new stuff from the grave, because as Biggie, Tupac and Dave Thomas have proven with their posthumous stuff, it won’t be as good.

Much like the McDonald’s Big Mac, the Big Carl is made of two beef patties, a Thousand Island dressing-eque sauce, American cheese and lettuce in between a sesame seed bun. For those of you keeping score at home, the Carl’s Jr. burger does lack the Big Mac’s middle bun, along with pickles and onions. The Big Carl is also supposed to be cheaper than the Big Mac, except here on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where it is one dollar more than a Big Mac and two dollars more than the advertised price of $2.49.

Size-wise, the Big Mac weighs in at 214 grams, while the Big Carl is significantly meatier at 315 grams. (Insert your favorite small penis/big penis joke here.) Flavor-wise, I do find the Carl’s Jr. burger to taste better because of the beef patties, which are of a higher quality than the Big Mac’s, and the Thousand Island dressing-ish sauce. But I wonder if my taste buds approve of the Big Carl because they’re bored with the Big Mac, which I’ve had so many times that I’m surprised I haven’t grown a third bun.

The Big Carl has almost twice the calories and saturated fat than the Big Mac, so it’s not something you should eat on a regular basis and I don’t think that will lure Big Mac enthusiast, Don Gorske, who has eaten over 20,000 Big Macs, to switch over to the Big Carl.

However, even though I just did so, I don’t know if one can truly compare the two burgers, since the Big Carl lacks pickles and onions, both of which helps give the Big Mac its unique taste.

While I believe it’s better tasting than a Big Mac, what I really like about the Carl’s Jr. Big Carl is the fact that it helps complete a rare kinky circle. A dude named Carl can go to Carl’s Jr., order a Big Carl and then perform a Hot Carl on someone.

Don’t know what a Hot Carl is? Look it up on Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary.

WAIT!!!

Don’t do that unless you want to upchuck the chuck you just ate at Chuck E. Cheese while listening to some Chuck Berry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 920 calories, 59 grams of fat, 23 grams of saturated fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 1370 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Big Carl
Price: $4.59
Size: 315 grams
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Better tasting than the Big Mac. Tastier patties than the Big Mac. Heavier than the Big Mac. Being able to complete a kinky circle. Wikipedia. Inserting your own penis jokes into a vagina of text.
Cons: Lacks pickles and onions (and third bun). Has twice the calories and saturated fat than the Big Mac. Hot Carls. Pricey on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Posthumous stuff from Biggie, Tupac and Dave Thomas.

REVIEW: Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bars

Kayla 16 Comments

It’s pretty pathetic that someone born and raised in New England has never gone skiing. It’s even more pathetic that this person spent a week at a mountain resort town in Switzerland and not once strapped on the skis and tried the bunny slope. The same person would probably not even consider skiing in the celebrity-laden, snooty, yet sporty town of Aspen, Colorado.

However, I…I mean, this person would not be added to a long list of poseurs that includes the dude in the “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” music video and Kevin Federline (wait, aren’t they the same person?) by walking around the lodge pimped out in the latest North Face gear bragging about the “black diamond” run (that’s what they call it, right?). No, instead I would be in the corner, sitting next to a fireplace like the Masterpiece Theatre guy, except I would be nursing an Irish Coffee and maybe enjoying the new Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bar. Although, this frozen confection would be melted before I even open the wrapper due to the blazing, yet romantic fire burning beside me. In fact, it was pretty much melting upon opening in the comfort of an air-conditioned room. Not a good sign.

The Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bar is enrobed with a vanilla yogurt shell that’s covers the entire bar like a nice LL Bean cable-knit sweater or a ski jacket with pockets inside of pockets. The yogurt shell is similar to the stuff on some trail mix raisins. On top, there’s a small dusting of granola.

I wanted to enjoy the first bite, but like I said, it was melting already, so the first bite was quick and ended in a slurp. The raspberry fro-yo is very tasty (avid readers know I’m a whore for raspberry flavored things) and it combines well with the vanilla yogurt shell and the layer of raspberry preserve that’s stuck in there. The crunch of the granola is pretty darn good, but I don’t think there’s enough of it to formally call this frozen yogurt novelty a granola bar. Blue Bunny boasts that these treats are loaded with probiotic cultures, which is just a chemistry way of saying that these bars can aid in bowel movements and keep you regular without the need of Metamucil or the new Volcano Menu at Taco Bell.

Usually size doesn’t matter (when it comes to frozen treats), but I was quite impressed by the size of these things (I am a small girl though). They’re roughly the size of a Milky Way, but of course they disappear quicker, because for some reason when instantly exposed to non-freezer like conditions they morph into the Wicked Witch of the West or Joan Rivers at the beach (wait, aren’t they the same person?).

Even with the fast melting, the Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen bars are pretty good, but I wouldn’t necessarily call these a healthy alternative to other frozen treats, because one bar packs 150 calories (80 of which are from fat) and 35% of your daily saturated fat content! But, really traditional granola bars are similar in nutrition, but a lot of us forget that because it’s ingrained in us they are healthy. If you are a granola bar lover (like myself) you might be disappointed in the lack of granola, but like those yogurt cups with the granola on top, you can add your own to the Aspen bar by dipping it in more. Similar to what people do with Funny Bones by injecting more peanut butter, or that creepy lion woman injecting more collagen in her lips.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Bar – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 4% riboflavin, 4% phosphorus and 2% vitamin B12.)

Item: Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bars
Price: $2.50
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Different than most frozen novelties. Coating is not white chocolate. Sweater weather. Probiotic cultures helps you stay regular. Bar size.
Cons: Never experiencing the slopes. Not enough granola. Not being able to find your keys. Because your anorak has more pockets than necessary. People who get uber amounts of plastic surgery. High in saturated fat.

REVIEW: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal

Marvo 17 Comments

Cookie Crisp has always had the potential to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. All General Mills, the maker of Cookie Crisp, has to do to make this happen is to turn to the dark side, but they haven’t done it, yet, with their new Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal.

When I say “dark side,” I’m not talking about the one filled with anger and hate that turned Anakin Skywalker into the heartless and powerful Darth Vader. Instead, I’m talking about the one that’s filled with greed and gluttony and has the ability to turn an ordinary couch potato into the heart-diseased and easily winded Girth Vider.

This dark side also has the ability to turn Trix into something you would want to eat with a condom on, preferably on your tongue, unless you pay extra to fuck it.

If General Mills did turn to the dark side and wanted Cookie Crisp to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, the cereal would be made up of actual mini cookies, and none of these unsatisfying cookie-shaped pieces.

These cookies would be made with enough milk to make a cow’s udder spew dust, enough flour to make it look like one just came from a 1980s cocaine party, enough eggs to make PETA protest, enough butter to make Paula Deen weep, enough sugar to rot one’s teeth instantly and enough love to make one file a restraining order.

Unfortunately, the Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal maintains the status quo with its vanilla-flavored cereal with colorful sprinkles on top. It has a flavor that’s similar to regular Cookie Crisp, except without the slight chocolate chip flavor, proving the sprinkles are just there to distract from the fact that the cereal has no personality, like silicone breast implants do for most female reality show contestants.

I prefer regular Cookie Crisp over Sprinkles Cookie Crisp, but that’s just me, because I tend to prefer chocolately cereals. So if Cookie Crisp decided to go to the dark side and sell a box that contains nothing but Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy, I would purchase that in a heartbeat and then wait for that heartbeat to quicken as I turn into Girth Vider.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup with skim milk – 140 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 12 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.)

(Note: Here’s an old review I did for Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I’m not sure if it still exists.)

Item: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal
Price: $5.49
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Like regular Cookie Crisp, except without the light chocolate chip flavor. Sprinkles give the cereal some color. Going to the dark side, if you’re a cereal company. A cereal made up of Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy.
Cons: Not better than regular Cookie Crisp. Kind of boring. Not made up of actual cookies. Turning into Girth Vider. Going to the dark side, if you’re a Jedi. Most reality show contestants. Eating Trix that has turned to the dark side.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta

Kayla 12 Comments

We are smack dab in the dog days of summer.

I always wanted to know why they called them that. Maybe it’s because when it’s almost 100 degrees and the humidity is thicker than a Shamrock Shake (and sometimes the same color if you’re in an urban area) humans tend to stick out their tongues like canines (or 30-year-old virgins watching Megan Fox do anything) to alleviate excess heat from their bodies. I actually don’t know if this is true, because I’ve never seen anyone who is considered mentally stable do it in public. However, in the privacy of their home it might be different.

If you do pant like a dog, perhaps you might want to try the new Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta flavor to help bring your body temperature to a level that doesn’t require an ice bath or a cold water wet t-shirt contest. Sadly, to TIB readers not from the East Coast, these flavors are unavailable since Dunkin’ always stays true to their roots and test markets new products in their backyard, but even though these flavors are allegedly available where I’m from, they are harder to find than Painite.

I went to five DD’s (you would think that’s a lot, but not when they’re on every single damn street) to try and find this slushy beverage. The first three sold out, and the fourth didn’t get their shipment of, I guess, the sugary syrup. When I reached the last Dunkin’ Donuts, I was very parched, and when I asked if they had the new flavors, I almost thought I was suffering from the heat which was melting my brain when the Dunkin’ Donuts employee said through a muffled speaker, “Yes, (mumble) we (mumble) Grape Coolatta.”

I finally had my frozen concoction in my possession. The color was a nice deep purple, which looked bold in DD’s clear cups. Then the moment had arrived, the moment that I was waiting for. I sucked on that straw, it hit my lips, then my taste buds….and it tasted just like a grape ice pop.

Not a total let down, not a total shocker, but there was some disappointment. I will sound like someone’s 80-year-old grandmother who used to chew on melted tar, because they couldn’t afford Big Red, when I say this, but you can purchase a huge bag of those double popsicles (or Siamese Ice Pops for you politically incorrect people) for the price of one medium or large Grape Coolatta.

Oh, it’s not the consistency you want? Take them off of the stick and dump the ice pops in the blender. Bingo. Grape Coolatta.

As a fan of the other Coolattas (Coffee, the newly resurrected Vanilla Bean and the Tropicana Orange), I’m confused why they picked grape to be a new flavor. If they were going with the ice pop motif, you would want to go with the most popular flavor — cherry.

Grape ice pops are good, but they’ve always been the last picked in my freezer and when we would get Fla-Vor-Ice at school on hot days. Maybe Dunkin’ felt bad about this. Every dog has his day, even if it’s one that’s hot as an aging biker chick with a lower back tattoo. Wait, that isn’t hot at all. Actually, that’s kind of gross.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 240 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 58 grams of sugar.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta
Price: $2.99 (price may vary depending on location)
Size: 16 ounces (small)
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cools you off on a hot day. Double ice pops. Dunkin’ Donuts around every corner in my area. Stays cold for a long time. Vanilla Bean is back.
Cons: Too expensive for what it actually is. Tastes like plain old grape ice pops. Old people saying the phrase “When I was a kid.” Only available for a limited time in a limited area. No Cherry Coolatta. Every calorie coming from sugar. Aging biker chicks with lower back tattoos.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal

Marvo 24 Comments

Oh man, Trix fanboys must be creaming in their pants after seeing the Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal. It has TWO fruity colors in every puff. If that doesn’t make Trix fanboys scream like little girls at a Jonas Brothers concert, they’re not a true Trix fanboy.

As for myself, I don’t consider myself a Trix fanboy, I prefer Fruity Pebbles. I know what you Trix fanboys are thinking, “Fruity Pebbles doesn’t even match the fruitiness of Trix and no one would’ve bought it if it weren’t tied in with the Flintstones cartoon.” Pfff…Whatever, at least with Fruity Pebbles I don’t have to eat balls of cereal. Sticking balls in your mouth? No wonder they called it Trix.

I bet you Trixxies use the phrase “silly rabbit” in normal conversation whenever you can and also think the rabbit shouldn’t get to eat Trix. Seriously, that’s really sad. What kind of sick bastard would deny the Trix Rabbit the cereal he’s named after? That’s like not giving a dog their bone or Kim Kardashian not wearing a tight outfit to deny the paparazzi from taking photos of her huge ass.

If the Trix Rabbit was in front of me right now, I would share my box of the Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal with him. I’d pour us a couple of bowls, pull out some spoon and then curse all those kids who wouldn’t give him Trix over the years. We’d eat those bowls and then wonder what the hell is so special about the combined flavors — Berry Berry Blue, Rasporangey Orange and Lemony Green — because the cereal smells and tastes just like regular Trix.

I’m pretty sure the Trix fanboys are saying, “Well, duh! Of course, it’s supposed to taste like Trix because it’s Trix!”

But being “Limited Edition” means there should be something special about it, like adding marshmallows or freeze-dried fruit. Just making swirled cereal pieces that don’t look like they have swirls is just lame. If I wanted a cereal that tastes like Trix, I would’ve bought a box of regular Trix.

Oh wait. If I wanted a cereal that tastes like Trix, I’d buy Fruity Pebbles and share it with the Trix Rabbit too.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup with 1/2 cup skim milk – 160 calories, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 18 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Trix Swirls Cereal
Price: $3.14
Size: 10.7 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: If you like Trix, it tastes like Trix. Fruity Pebbles is better. Letting the Trix Rabbit eat Trix. It’s a limited edition, so it will be gone soon.
Cons: It tastes like Trix, nothing special about it. Swirls idea is extremely lame. Being a bastard and not allowing the Trix Rabbit to eat Trix. Trix fanboys.