REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables

“Green, green gasoline. You forgot your ding-a-ling,” was what some my elementary school classmates would yell to me if I ended up with the green lunch tray in the cafeteria. To this day, I still have no idea what it means, but I do know I got the green lunch tray quite often. In order to help me cope with the constant reminder that I forgot my ding-a-ling, I once yelled the rhyme to a boy one grade below me to try to show that I could be an asshole too, but he ended up crying on the spot. I felt bad, so I gave him the cookie that came with my lunch to make him stop crying and I never did it again.

If only Oscar Mayer had Lunchables back when I still occasionally wet my bed. I wouldn’t have gotten the green tray and I wouldn’t have cupped my balls so much in elementary school to make sure I didn’t forget my ding-a-ling anywhere. Also, I wish hip-hop was mainstream in the early 1980s, then my groin cupping wouldn’t have made me look like a kid who enjoyed touching himself, instead I would’ve been a poser.

I’m trying to imagine what my elementary school life would’ve been like if I had the new Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables. I’d probably living large and in charge with all the honeys in Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears t-shirts around me wanting a little taste of either the mini turkey and cheddar sub sandwich, mini Nilla Wafers, Tree Top Applesauce, Tropical Punch Kool-Aid or the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo.

The mini turkey and cheddar sub measured in at four inches long and two inches wide. The turkey had a smokey flavor, the cheese looked like it was government-issued and the bun, which was made with whole grain, was soft and little chewy, but not stale; the mini Nilla Wafers were as tasty as regular Nilla Wafers; the sweet Tree Top Applesauce gave me something to flick with the included red spoon; the packet of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid added to the 6.5 ounce bottle of water had a slight artificial sweetener taste; and the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo was frickin’ huge and way more than enough for the tiny sub sandwich.

The Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables is a beast of a feast for those who have just reached puberty and below. The flavor of the sandwich was decent, even with the fat free mayo, and the addition of the applesauce helped make it a decent rounded meal, but its price seems a bit high and I probably wouldn’t buy it for my child, if I had one. Although it would prevent my kids from getting the green tray and because it has so much food, they could tease another kid for having the green tray and easily give them the Nilla Wafers when they start crying.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables
Price: $4.69
Size: Big enough for a growing child
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty meal for a kid. Decently rounded meal. Sub sandwich was not bad. Bread wasn’t stale. Applesauce represents fruit group. 100% vitamin C. Comes with a drink. Comes with a red spoon. Prevents kids from getting the green tray.
Cons: Pricey. Fat free mayo packet was frickin’ huge. Cheese looked like it was government issued. Have to keep refrigerated. Making a kid cry. Being a poser. Having to cup my groin to ensure I didn’t lose my ding-a-ling.

13 thoughts on “REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables

  1. fat free mayo…gross. if i am going to indulge i want it to be the real thing at least. pizza lunchables fo’ lyfe.

    i’m totally crushing on you because of the new vlogs.

  2. oh, lunchables. they were fantastic back in the era of crackers, ham, and questionable cheese washed down with a capri sun. though i’ll never forget the day a super mean sixth grader stole my andes mint dessert right out of the box as he walked by my table. jerk.

  3. Kids can be so cruel :P Man I love that time of life though…imagine that being your only problem (having to check and make sure your ding-a-ling is still in tact). I wish I could be that carefree again :P

    I never understood “fat-free” mayonnaise. Mayonnaise by definition is egg and OIL….there should be another name for it like “fat-free white spread”……. Kinda like how that cheese should be or is called “cheese stuff” or “cheese product”.

    P.S. Tick, tick, tell your mom…..Lunchables are the bomb!

  4. Gosh my mom would hardly ever let me take Lunchable to for lunch. She was worried about how unhealthy it was.

    I remember the times of not having to worry about anything. I miss those days.

  5. @ Erin Brooks My mother was the same way. I would ask her in the supermarket to pick one up for me, because a lot of my friends in elementary school (Early to Mid 1990’s) had them. She would say, “Kayla, I’m not buying you that junk. I make you a lunch from scratch because I LOVE YOU. I quit my job when I had you so now you’re my main priority, and I AM NOT buying you that fat on crackers.” Granted, sometimes I would get my way because of my adorable charm and my Curly Sue hair, but honestly…I’m glad my mother was old school in that respect with making me a lunch. Oh, and if my Italian grandmother found out about me eating a Lunchable, my mother wouldn’t hear the end of it.

  6. Lunchables, ick! Fat-free mayo, there is something really wrong with that word, fat-free mayo, it should be banned from the english language and the stores. I hated lunch period, but remembering metal lunch boxes with the smell of bolog-ney sandwiches and stale chips, that was the way to go back then. Strawberry shortcake and care bears, they were sooooo in the fashion! Memories on this posting!!!

  7. @boxsquat: I’m totally crushing on you because you’re totally crushing on me. Oh wait, you don’t like fat free mayo, so I’m no longer crushing on you. :(

    @Chuck: But if they did, I wouldn’t want to open it because it would devalue the cards.

    @Jay: I think it’s more of a crime again science. Food science.

    @betsy: The Capri Sun straw is supposed to prevent that. There’s a reason why it’s pointed the way that it is. It’s not to poke a hole in the Capri Sun, it’s for stabbing a mofo who messes with your Lunchables.

    @Bear Silber: I wish I didn’t have to work and went to school all day to learn how to multiply and divide. That would be the life.

    @Yum Yucky: I had a rice bowl haircut (the Asian equivalent of an afro) and wore glasses.

    @Erin Brooks: I miss the A-Team.

    @Mike: Applesauce!!!!!

    @Nhiro: Memories!!!!

    @Kayla: My mom used to make lunch for me and my sister, but figured paying 35 cents a day was much easier.

    @rob: When I was in elementary school the bullies used to pick on me and I’d tell them that someday, because I was drinking milk, I would grow up to be bigger than them, but that never happened.

    @cowsandlemonade: Memories!!!!

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