REVIEW: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee

If I repeat over and over again the name of the latest Slurpee flavor, Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant, it feels like I’ve transported myself to Strawberryland, where freckled Strawberry Shortcake and her pet cat, Custard, reside. Because everyone in Strawberryland, except for The Peculiar Purple Pie Man, replaces EVERY reference to the word “very” with “berry.”

Thankfully, repeating the name doesn’t actually teleport me to Strawberryland because getting stuck there and hearing the word “berry” all of the time would get berry fucking annoying, berry fucking fast.

See, look how annoying that was.

Also, being in Strawberryland would cause whatever masculinity I have left to be drawn out of me. I don’t have much left because I’ve had most of my masculinity sucked out of me thanks to Sanrio stores and Coldplay albums.

Speaking of things sucking, I didn’t care too much for the Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee. It has a disappointing mild sour and berry flavor. I also thought I could taste some pineapple in it. It has just as much sugar as other Slurpees, but it doesn’t taste crazy sweet like others.

I’ve never had black currant, so I can’t say if this Slurpee flavor comes close to tasting like it, but what I do know, from reading Wikipedia, is that black currant is an excellent source of vitamin C, but this product doesn’t have any.

I know. It’s not surprising it doesn’t have any vitamin C. After all, it’s a Slurpee and the only things Slurpees provide are a lot of high fructose corn syrup and something to shove down the front of my shorts on hot days.

Speaking of hot things, too bad I can’t hang out in Strawberryland for a little bit and meet Strawberry Shortcake. I would love to meet her and get to know her a lot better, because I have a thing for redheads and I might want to hear her say, “That feels berry, berry good.”

(NOTE: I just want to clarify I’m talking about 1980s Strawberry Shortcake, which would make her more than legal.)

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 189 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 51 grams of sugar.)

Item: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee
Price: $1.59
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Great for hot weather days. Redheads. Not a source for anything wholesome.
Cons: Disappointing sour and berry flavor. High fructose corn syrup. High in sugar. Getting trapped in Strawberryland. Getting my masculinity drained out of me via Coldplay albums.

15 thoughts on “REVIEW: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee

  1. @chuck take mushrooms, they’re better than acid any day.

    coincidentally I just drank a godawful “berry” protein shake that tasted exactly like this

  2. I like the the 7-11 icees but the best is hawiian ice now thats smooth and taste creamy even though its all shaved ice

    THAT IS ALL

  3. Yeah, that shit ain’t nothing to yell about, but battle berry slurpee is about the best one around. seriously delicious as slurpees go. Do you find that those places don’t wash their cups though?

  4. That would be why I am boring and stick with coke/sprite/orange crush slurpees lol. And maybe fanta.

    I would have loved to have gone to Strawberry land but only if smelled better then their crappy fake smelling toys. ew

  5. you are one sick pup

    the crystal light tangerine lime slurpee is SOOO good although it tastes NOTHING Like lime and really nothing like tangerine at all. Just generic fruit deliciousness, plus a bit on the “lighter’ side.

  6. I may forever have the image of you hitting on Strawberry Shortcake seared in my brain (and oddly enough there maybe some Coldplay on in the background). Thanks I am now (further) disturbed for life.

  7. I don’t go by 7-11 that much.Around here we mostly have Circle Ks.There are four alone in a five block radius of my house,but you made me want to go out my way to try it.

    Blackberry Yumberry somehow makes me think more of Dr.Seuss than Strawberry Shortcake.Maybe if it’s mixed sweet and tart.it would be best to stir it all together.

    I still miss the all cane sugar Big Gulp cola they sold in the 20 ounce bottles in 2005-2006.

  8. What is the deal with all the different flavored Slurpees? Why in my day we had 1 flavor: ice! That’s right if you wanted a flavor you stuck your finger in it (and that was for other things as well). These kids have too many choices these days dagnabit!

  9. No thanks, stuff like this never taste good and it’s probably filled with disgusting High Fructose Corn Syrup. I’d rather have a bacon Martini myself

  10. Once again, I see something that intrigues me and decide not to get it. Then I go home and there is a review on here for that exact same product. Get out of my head damnit…..but thanks for the heads up on this sucktacular flavor

  11. I know 7-11 needs to make slushy but I think they are getting sloppy, what happened to the glory days of semi relevant mountain dew spin-off flavors that actually tasted great in spite of the mass amounts of HFCS they contained? Shrugs thems was the days!

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