REVIEW: Sheetz Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino

(NOTE: Part of this review is written in “Sheetz Speak.”)

I livez in Philadelphia, which iz Wawa country. I lovez my Wawa just az much az I lovez my Philliez, but recentlyz I wanted to seez what the fusz waz aboutz over the central and western Pennsylvania’z version of Wawa, which iz Sheetz. Az a huge Wawa fan, I waz skeptical of Sheetz and I feltz guilty to cheatz on my beloved.

Howeverz, despite the cheezy way of using Z’s instead of S’s like they’re trying to appeal to the kidz, Sheetz iz slightly better bcuz you can actually eatz your made-to-order food at most Sheetz locationz. Yez, you can actually take your date to a gaz station for a romantic dinner of made-to-order subz, wrapz and coffeez.

If you really want to impress, perhaps go for the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino.

I was thirsty for a 32-ounce fountain Diet Dr Pepper when I entered Sheetz, but when I saw the little decal on the DIY Cappuccino… ahem, I mean Cupo’ccino machine, my thirst for something ice cold disappeared. This hot liquid is a Keystone state powerhouse; not only does it come from Sheetz, but it’s Tastykake-flavored. I think the only thing that could possibly trump this would be a scrapple-flavored Cupo’ccino served in a plastic Phillies (or Pirates) helmet that Dairy Queen used to use for their sundaes (I ALWAYS got the damn Montreal Expos). Or maybe a cheesesteak-flavored cupo’ccino served inside of the Liberty Bell. Luckily for this non-native Pennsylvanian, scrapple or cheesesteak flavor is not available as a beverage choice in the Cupo’ccino machine at Sheetz.

The drink comes out steaming hot, but extremely watery looking. It wasn’t promising, especially how I was fantasizing how good this thing was going to be after discovering one of my favorite snack cakes morphed into a drinkable concoction found only at a glorified gas station (Yes, it’s also a restaurant, but it IS technically a gas station).

Hotter than a freakin’ supernova when it hits your tongue, the Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino isn’t as yummy as a heavily sweetened pseudo coffee beverage can be. I’ve had my fair share of hot chocolates and phony cappuccinos from Sheetz’s rival, and they’re always good. Yes, they have enough sugar to rot your teeth and gums, but they still have substance. The Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino would have been better if it wasn’t so thin. It had the potential to be creamy and good.

Maybe it was running out and I got short changed. Since it’s only $1.39, I might be willing to give it another try if I’m ever near a Sheetz. Then again, I’ll probably go for that fountain Diet Dr Pepper, or just splurge a dollar more and order one of their barista style coffees. Oh, excuse me, coffeez.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Sheetz Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino
Price: $1.39
Size: 16 ounces (medium)
Purchased at: Sheetz
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s Tastykake flavored. Being able to sit down at a gas station and eat a meal. Baseball helmet sundaes. Possibility of using the Liberty Bell to serve liquids. DIY coffee machines.
Cons: Super watery. The god-awful way they spell items at Sheetz. Tons of sugar and fat. Always getting the Montreal Expos sundae helmet. Doesn’t taste butterscotchy enough.

NEWS: Pepto-Bismol InstaCool Still Can’t Make Getting Diarrhea Cool

For my heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, nausea and diarrhea, I trust Pepto-Bismol. But only because it rhymes with rectal dismal. I have a lot of faith in medications that rhyme with a symptom I’m feeling.

Their latest product is Pepto-Bismol with InstaCool, which are chewable tablets with a peppermint flavor and cooling sensation. According to Pepto-Bismol, the peppermint and cooling feeling, “lets you know relief is on the way.”

But their old products did the same thing. I think the chalkiness of their original tablets and the sludge-like liquid Pepto-Bismol sliding down my digestive system are great ways to let me know relief is on the way.

Pepto-Bismol with InstaCool is available in quantities of 30 tablets.

REVIEW: Wheaties Fuel

Wheaties Fuel looks like bird feed.

Fortunately, it doesn’t taste like bird feed and it doesn’t make me molt or want to poop on a parked car’s windshield, despite containing 20 percent of my daily recommended intake of fiber per serving.

Like all Wheaties cereal boxes, you’ll find an athlete, who probably doesn’t eat the stuff on a regular basis, gracing the cover of the Wheaties Fuel box. Five athletes have their own Wheaties Fuel box: Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning; Boston Celtics power forward Kevin Garnett; St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols; some dude I’ve never heard of who can out run, swim and bike me; and some guy I probably would’ve never heard of if he wasn’t raised in Hawaii.

Just like the cereal itself, the athletes’ faces on the front of the box are kind of freaky looking. Each athlete looks like they’re holding a flashlight under their face so they can tell ghost stories.

The cereal is made up of lightly sweetened crunchy whole wheat flakes and crisp rice with real honey and cinnamon. Yes, it does sound significantly better than what original Wheaties is made of, which I believe is the depressing combination of bran, cardboard, Nickelback lyrics and whatever makes babies cry. The wheat flakes in Wheaties Fuel aren’t like regular Wheaties, instead they’re tiny, and the crisp rice aren’t airy like Rice Krispies, instead they’re dense.

The pieces of cereal might be small, but they pack a vitamin and mineral punch. A serving is like a Flintstones vitamin, containing vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium, iron, vitamin D, vitamin E and a few others. It’s also like an energy drink since it contains 100 percent of your daily recommended intake of vitamin B1, vitamin B2, vitamin B3, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12.

It has a nice cinnamon flavor that makes it taste almost like a kid’s cereal instead of one meant for athletes, but it isn’t too sweet. Because it’s a dense cereal, it’s quite crunchy and lasts awhile in milk. It’s so tasty that if I were a world-class athlete, instead of some dude who writes product reviews in his underwear, I’d rather have my scary face printed on a box of Wheaties Fuel than on regular Wheaties.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup w/o milk – 210 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 27 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Wheaties Fuel
Price: $4.98
Size: 17.1 ounces
Purchased at: The Blue Vest Superstore
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty cinnamon flavor that tastes almost like a kid’s cereal. Doesn’t taste like regular Wheaties. Loaded with B vitamins. Stays crunchy in milk. Five grams of fiber per serving. My knowledge of mainstream sports stars.
Cons: Looks like bird food. Comes in a small box. Athletes’ faces on the box look like they’re telling ghost stories. The image of me writing reviews in my underwear. Original Wheaties. Birds pooping on my car windshield. My knowledge of non-mainstream sports stars.

REVIEW: Jell-O Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence

For many of us, the month of January represents a new beginning, the start of a new year and a new you. The infamous New Year’s Resolution of losing weight is as American as all-you-can-eat buffets, deep-fried Snickers and funnel cakes. Most resolutions are broken within the first month, because there’s always someone tempting you with pizza, fried chicken, hookers, or whatever you’ve pledged to stop consuming.

To many of us, especially us ladies, chocolate is a huge weakness. Countless times we find ourselves giving into this sweet, sinful confection, and like a kid at chubby camp getting caught with a Twinkie in one hand and a can of whipped cream in the other, we feel guilty after we indulge, and scold ourselves for breaking our resolution for the tenth year in a row.

Jell-O Mousse “Temptations” wants you to feel good about yourself if you need a chocolate fix. At only 60 calories, the Dark Chocolate Decadence promises that this mousse-like treat will satisfy your primal urge for chocolate and cure even the worst possible case of PMS.

Fat chance.

I’m pretty sure Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence would make any chocolate-loving woman become an even bigger bitch (admit it ladies, we all are bitches before Aunt Flo comes to town).

It was absolutely horrible. The texture was like that of dry pudding with a bunch of air pumped into it. I’m a big fan of Jell-O and their sugar-free desserts, despite the fact they don’t use Bill Cosby in their commercials anymore, but this product certainly wasn’t decadent and the only thing I was tempted to do was to throw away my unfinished cup, which I did.

Even though it’s low in calories, it’s unbearable to eat. Just because it says it’s chocolate doesn’t mean that it’s good, and this “treat” is the crown jewel of deception. However, what can you expect from something that has less calories than one of those miniscule 100 calorie packs that wouldn’t even satisfy a tsetse fly or Mary-Kate Olsen?

If you want to be a little naughty without breaking your resolution, maybe it would be best if you have five M&M’s or just one Hershey’s Miniature. It’s not an entire bag, or a King Size bar, but these choices are much better than having a Jell-O Mousse Temptation.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 60 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium and 9 grams of carbohydrates.)

Item: Jell-O Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence
Price: $3.59
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Wally World
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Packaging is sexy. The primal urge for chocolate. Going through with your New Year’s Resolution. Only 60 calories. It’s sort of edible.
Cons: Doesn’t taste good at all. PMS. Not going through with your New Year’s Resolution. Having to give up fried chicken, pizza and hookers.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie

Ben & Jerry's Hannah Teter's Maple Blondie

I don’t think I’ve ever met a flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that I didn’t like, even their new Limited Batch Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie. I don’t know if I like them all because I’m high or because they’re high. If I were high, I’d think anything tastes awesome. But I think it’s them who are high, because I don’t get high and I believe the only way anyone could create the flavors they come up with is if they’re under the influence of a little marijuana, or as they probably call it in Vermont, where Ben & Jerry’s headquarters is located, Burlington Buzz.

If this is the case, I imagine the conversation that eventually led to the creation of Maple Blondie went something like this:

(NOTE: The following conversation would be a lot better if you imagine Cheech and Chong having it.)

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Hey man, I wanna make an ice cream for Olympic gold medalist Hannah Teter.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: What? You want to make a bong out of a heater?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: No man, an ice cream for Hannah Teter. She’s from Vermont, man.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Oh yeah, man. That would be awesome. What should we put in it?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: I don’t know. Let me think about it while I smoke a bowl.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Aw man. I’m gonna do the same thing.

Five minutes later

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Hey man, what are we doing?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: I forgot. Naw, naw, man. I remember. We wanted to make a flavor for Hannah Teter.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Aw yeah man. That’s right.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: She’s from Vermont, so we should put in things that Vermont is known for.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: So what is Vermont known for?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Burlington Buzz?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Naw man, we can’t put Burlington Buzz in an ice cream. Burlington Buzz only goes great with brownies.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Oh man, we should put brownies in the ice cream.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Oh, that’s sweet, man. But we still need to add an ingredient Vermont is known for.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Burlington Buzz?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Naw man, we can’t do that. I need to think about this. Pass me that bong we made from that Vermont maple syrup bottle.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Aw man, remember we broke it when we were partying with Phish. But I have another bottle. All we have to do is get rid of the maple syrup in it.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Man, we should use that maple syrup in an ice cream. Maple ice cream would be good. What should we mix with the maple ice cream?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Burlington Buzz?

Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie consists of maple ice cream with blonde brownie chunks and a maple caramel swirl. The maple ice cream by itself has a mild flavor, but when eaten with the maple caramel swirl, it reminds me of a Werther’s Original butterscotch candy. The blonde brownie chunks, which I wish there were more of in the pint, have a brown sugar flavor to them. They also add a chewy and very slightly gritty texture to the ice cream.

Overall, the Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie is a very good ice cream that’s a great representation of Vermont — from the sweetness of the maple syrup to how cold it can get in the area. It’s an ice cream that Burlington Buzz smokers will love.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 240 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie reviews:
On Second Scoop
Hamburger Calculus

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie
Price: $3.99
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Maple ice cream with the maple caramel swirl tastes like a Werther’s Original. Brownie chunks provide a nice chewiness. Made from cows that aren’t treated with rBGH. Proceeds go to help Teter’s charity, which helps a village in Africa. Making a bong out of a maple syrup bottle.
Cons: Not enough brownie chunks. Maple ice cream itself has a mild flavor. Might be too sweet for some. Forgetting what you’re trying to accomplish.