REVIEW: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez

The ice cream novelty market is always looking for new items to entice children. These products can make any school-aged kid annoy the shit out of their parents when they beg for them, and they cause junk food review bloggers to cream in their pants. But there needs to be something that stands out amongst the space-aged pellets, superhero heads with gumballs for eyes and ice pops shaped like phalluses writing instruments.

Besides ice cream, what food item do kids (and weird looking birds) go cuckoo for and that’s only for them and not white, anorexic rabbits? You got it — breakfast cereal.

The Philly Swirl Cereal Conez is the bastard offspring from the sticky lovemaking between a complete sugary breakfast and a pre-packaged ice cream and cone combo. If I wore a hat, I would tip it to Philly Swirl. Why you ask? Because there is no cereal in Cereal Conez. Instead, they got rid of the middleman, struck a deal with that pot o’ gold loving ginger and topped the cones conez with the marshmallows that are found in a certain cereal that claims it’s lucky. The next thing I want to do, is ask Philly Swirl how can I get a bag of these packing-peanut textured marshmallows without having to sift through pieces of cereal, because everyone buys Lucky Charms for the marshmallows.

Although I do love dehydrated, colorful, and ill-shaped pieces of sugar, I really wish that the Cereal Conez had cereal on them, because it would provide a crunchy texture to compliment the creamy ice cream and compensate for the somewhat soggy cone.

If cereal was added, think of the marketing possibilities. Bran Conez could be for those who need some fiber in their desserts and Frosted Shredded Wheat Conez could be for those who get off on eating adorable little mascots. I don’t think they would call them conez though, because we all know that when you slap a Z on something it’s targeted towards kids, or it’s a product from a certain gas station/fast food eatery.

There’s two flavors in the box: Chocolate Marshmallow Swirl (more like chocolate vanilla swirl) and Vanilla, but there’s no way of picking which flavor you want, because the cones are all wrapped the same way in white paper with no text. When you disrobe the cone and become excited or depressed, which depends on whether or not you received the flavor you wanted, you are greeted with a mound of “magical marshmallows” that dominates the top of the cone. It’s certainly eye opening, but it’s lousy because the first four bites or so is all marshmallow and no ice cream.

After that, it’s just a standard ice cream cone novelty, but one that’s tasty because the inside of the cone is covered in chocolate. However, by the time you reach that point, the thrill of devouring the leprechaun’s beloved “magical marshmallows” is all but a distant memory.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cone – 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez
Price: $2.59
Size: 4 cones
Purchased at: The Big Blue Supercenter
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Lots of “magical marshmallows.” Ice cream is rich and smooth. Size of each treat is bigger than I expected. Chocolate inside of each cone. Those novelties with gumball eyes. Telling the Trix rabbit he can’t have the cereal he so desperately wants.
Cons: No way to tell which flavor is which. Marshmallows aren’t “magical” enough. Cone is a little soggy. Only four in a box. Doesn’t actually contain cereal. Adding Z’s are so 90′s.

17 thoughts on “REVIEW: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez

  1. What’s stopping them from distributing the marshmallows throughout the ice cream? Having to eat all of one to get to the other defeats the purpose!

  2. Something just snapped in my brain. I’m going on a scavenger hunt through West Philly to find me a box of these. My Tap and Track iPhone app is not going to be happy with me, but diet be damned!

  3. That would be the snack of my dreams. All sugar and no anything else.

    I don’t think the “cereal” they use is actually Lucky Charms, because the marshmallows on the cones don’t have the Lucky Charms shapes. Lucky Charms doesn’t have a triangle-shaped marshmallow, for instance. It’s gotta be a generic variety.

    I actually find it fun to keep track of various identifying features in various generic products. Did you know that Target’s Archer-Farms-brand “Marshmallow Treasures” is the same cereal as Malt-o-Meal’s “Marshmallow Mateys”? At least, they both have a dolphin shaped marshmallow, which seems like a big identifier right there.

  4. Back in the 90′s when the ice cream truck used to come around in our neighborhood I would always get the Raphael Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles one. If they didn’t have that I wouldn’t get anything at all. I used to have the gumballs for later too, I think everyone did that.

    1. These sound awesome,and I bet they would have been even better if the actual cereal was mingled with (not merely topping) the icecream. I love Lucky Charms (as well as rainbows, pots of gold, and leprechauns who have a tendency to get lucky–not necessarily with me…).

  5. I kinda really want one. I usually just cream in my panties over this sort of thing, not my pants too. Still never understood what PhillySwirl has to do with the actual city, since the website says the guys who made the company started it in Florida. Alex and Max are bootleg Ben and Jerry. They all went to Penn State though!

    1. Maybe “State College Swirl” just doesn’t market as well as Philly Swirl. Plus, I’m pretty sure there’s something called a State College Swirl…but I don’t even want to think about what that could be.

      Maybe Philly swirl should name the flavors of their ice cream bars: Rittenhouse Raspberry, Broad St Banana, Olney Orange etc. etc. It might give them more street cred.

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