If I were a treasure hunter looking for sunken Spanish galleons and the sweet, sweet gold doubloons they may contain, and I came upon a wreckage filled, not with gold coins, but with Panda Express’ Golden Treasure Shrimp, I’m pretty sure I would be mad enough punch Poseidon in the face.
Panda Express’ latest dish combines crispy tempura shrimp, red and green bell peppers, and their new zesty citrus sauce. According to the press release I read from some site that posts nothing but press releases, Golden Treasure Shrimp received higher reviews than Panda’s Honey Walnut Shrimp during market testing across the country.
The new dish will make its debut on March 2. If you’re into free faux Chinese food, Panda Express will be offering a free single serving of Golden Treasure Shrimp on March 9 via a coupon from their Facebook page.
Domino’s first changed their pizza recipe, now they’re changing their chicken. I hope Domino’s can change the dirty looks their drivers give me whenever I give them a quarter tip. (via Foodette Reviews)
There’s a new Skittles rainbowI can taste to help make up for not being able taste an actual rainbow. Why won’t you let me taste you rainbow? Why do you keep running away from me? (via Candyblog and Sugar Pressure)
Dairy Queen does salads? Is the Dairy Queen, Queen Victoria? English monarchy history reference! High five! (via On Second Scoop)
You better not light a match near me right now because I’mma erupt! So I don’t need you Stride Spark and your pitiful 25 percent of my daily intake of vitamins B6 and B12. I don’t care if it comes in two flavors — Kinetic Fruit and Kinetic Mint. You know who’s kinetic right now? I AM! I’mma go run five miles in 30 minutes. BOOM! I’ll be right back.
(30 minutes later)
WOOO!!! I’m back, mofos!
My heart right now is beating like I just shared a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen and a couple of pornstars. How did I get so frickin’ wired? Yo man, I started off my day with a Red Bull, supplemented it with an 8-hour energy shot. Then I supplement the 8-hour energy shots with a couple of sugar-free Red Bulls and some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of an animal’s penis in it. I don’t know which animal it is, but my guess is that it’s a cheetah, but it’s more likely a small monkey or cow. After the 8-hour energy shot wears off, I taper off and calm down with a 5-Hour Energy shot, supplementing it with a can of Pepsi Max. By the time it’s three in the morning, I’m ready to go to sleep and start my day again in four hours.
You can’t keep up with me, Stride Spark. WOOO!!!
Twenty-five percent is pocket change to me. To get 25 percent of my daily vitamin B6 and B12, all it need to do is take a quick sippy sip of a 5-Hour Energy, which has 2,000 percent vitamin B6 and 8,333 percent of vitamin B12. WOOO!!! Stride Spark can’t compete with that, even if I chewed on all 14 pieces in the pack at the same time. Heck, I don’t even know how long I need to chew on the gum to get the 25 percent. Actually, I probably do know. Because I chew like a buzzsaw when I’m totally wired, it would probably take me a minute.
Because I’m so wired and get things done quickly, I had some time to give both Stride Spark flavors a spin.
Kinetic Fruit is a little harsh for the first few chews, like I’m chewing on a tropical air freshener, but it gets to something palatable quickly. I’m not sure what artificial and natural fruit flavors they stuck in it, but I do detect a bit of citrus. Kinetic Mint has good, but mild peppermint flavor that makes you wonder if it’s powerful enough to vaporize the stank from your mouth. After chewing on it for a few minutes it begins to have a slight medicinal taste to it, like I’m chewing on a Tums. Both gums were soft from beginning to end and both flavors are decent, although I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint, but I think the flavor gets muted quicker than other Stride gum I’ve had. This is strange for a Stride gum, which prides itself on being the long lasting gum and usually is.
If you’re a regular drinker of energy products, Stride Spark probably won’t help you, because it didn’t help me. I’m also skeptical about it working for those who aren’t regular consumers of energy products because I don’t think it contains enough B vitamins to give them a boost.
Man, those last few paragraphs were a bit mellow. I think I need a little stimulation. Time for some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of a cheetah’s penis in it.
WOOO!!! That’s the stuff!
(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, 25% vitamin B6, and 25% vitamin B12.)
Item: Stride Spark Gum (Kinetic Fruit & Kinetic Mint) Price: $1.44 each Size: 14 pieces Purchased at: Target Rating: 6 out of 10 (Kinetic Fruit) Rating: 5 out of 10 (Kinetic Mint) Pros: Something to chew when you need something to chew. If you don’t get enough B vitamins, it might help. Both have decent flavor, but I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint. 8-hour energy shots. Running five miles in 30 minutes. Cons: Doesn’t seem to be as long lasting as other Stride Gums. Won’t provide a boost for those who regularly consume energy products. Not sure if there’s enough B vitamins to provide a boost for others. Kinetic Mint tastes like Tums after chewing on it for a while. Kinetic Fruit tastes like a tropical air freshener during the first couple of chews. Drinking tea made with bits of animal penis. Having to share a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen.
Hostess, the snack maker with the mostess, introduced two new limited-edition flavors: Chocolate Creme and Strawberry & Creme. They’re releasing these new flavors as part of their Twinkie Mania promotion, which allows Twinkie fans to vote for a new Twinkie flavor filling.
The choices fans will get to vote for are: Raspberry Tart, Cookies n Creme, Blueberry Pie, and Lemon Meringue. The winning flavor will become a limited edition flavor.
Personally, I’m glad Twinkies has released some new flavors because I was bored with getting fat from the plain old vanilla creme ones. It almost got to the point of me replacing “as boring as the missionary position” with “as boring as Vanilla Twinkies” in my everyday language.
The new limited edition flavors are available now nationwide.
This past holiday weekend, I had the pleasure of visiting the mile-high city of Denver. I saw the Rocky Mountains, miles and miles of rolling amber prairie, and the giant Zombie Demon Horse at the airport.
Oh, youâ€™ve never heard of this nightmarish equine fiend from Hell?
Itâ€™s a thing of rare, unmitigated monstrousness with its jagged, shiny metal form, gaping mouth, wildly probing tongue, and glowing red eyes. It fuels dark visions of the end times and makes one wonder whether the city of Denver is the ideal location for a zombie demon invasion, what with the mountains providing protection from the hordes of undead monsters and all. It also invites speculation as to whether the airportâ€™s Zombie Demon Horse, itself, would be the thing that allows these foul creatures to enter our dimension. Would this 32-foot statue be the glowing, neon sign that declares “Denver is Open for Zombie Demon Business?” I only mention this Zombie Demon Horse because it has exactly one thing in common with the new HÃ¤agen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble ice cream: Itâ€™s blue.
Much like being subjected to night-terror-inducing public works of art, it isnâ€™t often that we encounter naturally-occurring blue food. I can count all the blue foods Iâ€™ve eaten on one hand: blue potatoes, blue corn chips, bleu cheese (itâ€™s the mold thatâ€™s blue), and, of course, blueberries. There is no shortage of blueberries in HÃ¤agen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble, which gives it a nice, violet color. Itâ€™s smooth and isnâ€™t clumpy, which certain types of fruity ice cream seem to be.
With my first bite, I was wowed by the Blueberry Crumbleâ€™s flavorful combination of real blueberries and fresh cream. The packaging boasts of ripe, simmered blueberries, and frankly, I think theyâ€™ve hit a home run with the recipe. Nothing about it tastes artificial â€“ this is made from real fruit. A quick scan of the ingredients lists confirms a refreshing lack of chemical additives and preservatives.
The texture of the ice cream is smooth and dense, and the crushed blueberries are evenly mixed throughout. However, the “cobbler crust crumbles” â€“ tiny pieces of buttery cobbler that have been folded into the ice cream — are not as plentiful as we are led to believe. Every third bite may include some of the crumble, but overall, itâ€™s mostly blueberry-flavored ice cream. Not what I expected, since the label strongly suggests that youâ€™ll be digging into something that would be at least 50 percent crumbly. The tiny bits of cobbler taste yummy and are an interesting addition, but the pieces arenâ€™t large enough and donâ€™t add much to the experience. The Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble is tasty, but I wish it was bursting with cobbler crumbles.
The HÃ¤agen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble may be just the thing to have in the mountains while weâ€™re taking shelter from the zombie demon apocalypse. Itâ€™s pretty cold up there, so we can leave the ice cream just about anywhere. In fact, it may be the only thing weâ€™ll have to eat for months, since the power grid will go down within three hours of the Zombie Demon Horseâ€™s clarion call to arms for the denizens of the Underworld. I suggest you start stocking up on Blueberry Crumble now and head for the hills.
(Nutrition Facts- Â½ cup (102 grams) â€“250 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 0% vitamin A, 8% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 0% iron.)
Item: HÃ¤agen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble Price: $3.99 Size: 14 ounces Purchased at: Vons Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: Made from real blueberries and fresh cream. Blue foods are rare. Smooth and dense texture. Violet. The majestic beauty of the Rocky Mountains. Yummy buttery crust crumbles. Delicious, ice-cream-based survival. Cons: Zombie Demon Horses. Misleading label. Terrifying works of public art. Cobbler crust crumbles are small and donâ€™t add much to the experience. Wildly probing tongues. Gateway airports to the Underworld.