OH. MY. GOODNESS.
MY. MOUTH. IS. BURNING.
It’s as if my mouth has been turned into a portal to Hell and demons and molten lava are bursting out of it. Please make it stop. MAKE IT STOP!
It’s so hot I may never taste again because my taste buds have been destroyed by the heat. Not even ice water can soothe the scalding feeling in my mouth. It feels like I just spent seven minutes in heaven with a fire breathing dragon. IT’S SO HOT! Tell my family that I love them.
The previous words are what I might’ve said if the Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts was five alarm spicy, but I think Planters is being a bit generous by calling it “Five Alarm Chili.” Even if they called it Planters Four Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts, I’d still think they were overstating how spicy they are.
But then again, me likey the spicy so I may have different standards than other people when it comes to spiciness. Over the years, I’ve eaten a lot of spicy foods and during that time I’ve come up with my own spicy food scale.
One Alarm – Light burn. Quickly dissipates. Water isn’t necessary.
Two Alarm – Mild burn. Lingers a little. Sips of water might be needed.
Three Alarm – Good burn. A little bit of sweating. Large swigs of water necessary. Makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Four Alarm – Really good burn. Face excreting sweat and tears. Glasses of water necessary. Milk would be a better option. A little regret.
Five Alarm – Holy Hell that is hot! Face excreting sweat, tears, and snot. Water won’t help. My mouth screams for ice cream to cool it down. Lots of regret. Praying it’s not as spicy going out as it was going in. Lots of leftovers that may not get eaten due to fear.
If I had to place the Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts somewhere on my spiciness scale, I’d probably consider it to be Two Alarm spicy. However, I’m fine with that because if it were any spicier, the heat might’ve overshadowed the peanut’s flavor, which is quite good.
When I popped one in my mouth it had a pleasant onion and garlic flavor at first and then the chili pepper flavor quickly followed along with the heat. Unfortunately, the flavoring comes in the form of a powdery coating that doesn’t stick well to the peanuts so most of it ends up at the bottom of the bottle.
Even though I scoffed at Planters for calling these slightly spicy peanuts “Five Alarm,” I have to say I enjoyed scoffing them down in handfuls.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 39 pieces – 160 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)
Item: Planters Five Alarm Chili Dry Roasted Peanuts
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Combination of flavor and spiciness is addictive. Spiciness doesn’t overpower the flavor. Awesome source of mono- and polyunsaturated fats.
Cons: Not five alarm spicy. Seasoning doesn’t stick well on the peanuts. Eating spicy Five Alarm foods. Spending seven minutes in heaven with a fire breathing dragon.