I can’t think of sandwich crackers without thinking of grade school day care. Unnaturally bright neon orange crackers with some sort of peanut-related substance smeared in between. I’m sure they don’t serve those anymore, since some kid named Billy who eats his boogers has a peanut allergy so severe that just being in the same room with something that barely qualifies as peanut butter sends him into anaphylactic shock. Kids are such sissies these days.
I’m also pretty sure I haven’t had sandwich crackers since those grade school days. I think time has shown that I’ll eat some pretty juvenile shit – I was about to write that I’d eat Dunkaroos if they still existed, but Google just told me they do, so now I’m conflicted – but there’s something about sandwich crackers that makes me wince. Perhaps there’s a deep-seated feeling of abandonment caused by having to go to day care after school. More likely it’s that my friends and I used to scrape all the peanut butter out of the sandwiches and use it like a greasy substitute for Play-Doh. I once made the perfect sculpture of a nose. It was the pinnacle of my artistic career.
These Ritz Crackerfuls Big Stuff Colossal Cheddar aren’t sandwich crackers, however. These are filled crackers. At least, according to Ritz, that’s what they are. But I can see through Ritz’s facade. Look at that packaging. The cracker looks like it’s sitting on a pristine marble countertop. The “k” in “Crackerfuls” is sprouting a stalk of wheat from its head, presumably indicating that it is natural or healthy. And yet, for the menfolk, it is made clear that there is 75% more filling, so nobody will make fun of you for eating wimpy, under-filled sandwich crackers. I mean, filled crackers. No, I mean sandwich crackers.
In size, they certainly aren’t your kids’ crackers, coming in at 4.5 inches long by 2 inches wide, with a generous amount of filling. I’d say almost too generous, but the ratio of cheese-to-cracker is just about right, although the cheese does squish out the sides when you bite down, making for a less than tidy snack.
The crackers have a pleasant buttery taste, just like regular Ritz, but they aren’t flaky and are much more sturdy, helping to compensate for the heft of the filling. The cheese, when tasted by itself, has a bit of a grainy feel to it, but when eaten as a sandwich, the cracker seems to cover that up. The cheese has the consistency of a soft cheese spread (hence the squishing out the sides).
It also tastes a lot like a processed cheese spread, which is my biggest complaint. Ritz seems to be marketing these crackers to a more adult market, and while the cracker is quite tasty, the cheese filling tastes too artificial for most adult palates. I still eat cheese-in-a-can, but I’m not exactly “normal”. I also think the cheese is too soft; most adults don’t want cheese spread squishing out everywhere, and the consistency adds to the feeling that you’re definitely not ingesting actual cheese.
Ritz Crackerfuls Big Stuff Colossal Cheddar filled crackers seem caught between two demographics. Too large for a child’s snack and lacking the flashy packaging that would make a kid scream at their parent until it wound up in the shopping cart, and yet too unrefined and artificial-tasting to appeal to most adults, who would probably take the individually-wrapped sandwiches to work and then find themselves embarrassed to be wiping processed cheese spread off their faces. Ritz got the cracker right, but the cheese all wrong, and with 75 percent more of it, that just makes that downfall more obvious.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack – 190 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of total fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4 gram of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of total carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 0% vitamin A, 0% vitamin C, 6% calcium, and 4% iron.)
Item: Ritz Crackerfuls Big Stuff Colossal Cheddar
Price: $3.29
Size: 5 filled crackers
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Crackers were buttery and held together well. Using peanut butter as a substitute for Play-Doh. Sandwich was large enough for an adult snack. The opportunity to watch a co-worker eat a messy sandwich cracker.
Cons: Cheese tasted too processed. Kids screaming for junk food at the grocery store. Cheese was too soft and messy. Being that adult eating a messy sandwich cracker.
