Let me take you back to a warm summer night in 1962. In a sturdy tree house overlooking the backyard of the Mean Old Mr. Myrtleâ€™s house, a portly adolescent named Hamilton Porter sticks a marshmallow on a stick and proceeds to shove it into a campfire. When the mallow is flaming with enough heat to fog up the glasses of his friend Squints Palledorous, the freckled-faced ginger removes the â€˜mallow, sticks it between a square of Hersheyâ€™s chocolate and two graham crackers, and proceeds to â€œstuff it.â€
Hence the sâ€™more was born, and America was bequeathed one of its most iconic flavor combinations.
If the British their Spotted Dick pudding (what is that stuff anyway?) and the German have their Black Forest cake, we Americans have our sâ€™mores. An engrained element of our efforts to eat seasonally, the sâ€™more flavor profile has made its way into Pop-Tarts, cereal, ice cream, and, yes, the ubiquitous and completely worthless Quaker Chewy Granola bar.
Perhaps feeling moved by the same spirit of summer which seized Buzz Lightyear, Eggo has decided to release a seasonal sâ€™more frozen waffle. Available only at Target, the waffles come in the familiar eight count box which basically forces you to eat all eight waffles in one sitting, lest you chance freezer burn with the non-resealable packaging.
After proceeding to follow the very specific instructions of my Eggo box and toasting the waffles on a low setting for two rotations, I took my slightly crispy but still chewy waffles and applied a liberal pat of butter and maple syrup. It then occurred to me that putting butter and maple syrup on anything would likely skew results to the â€œwow, this is greatâ€ rating, and recalling no evidence of butter or maple syrup in the entire history of my sâ€™more eating, I decided to test out one of the waffles plain.
Unlike the first bite of an actual sâ€™more, my waffle did not tempt my taste buds with layers of crunchy and creamy, smooth and coarse. There was no milky chocolate, nor was there toasted marshmallow goo, and there definitely was no fire to puff out from said flaming â€˜mallow. To be short, my first bite of the new Eggo Sâ€™mores waffle tasted decidedly like a toasted Eggo waffle, albeit with an interesting if not underrepresented chew of malted barley sweetness and some kind of exotic multigrain element. It didnâ€™t scream graham in the traditional sense of a Nabisco graham cracker, but instead gave off hints of buckwheat and whole wheat.
If it sounds enticing, donâ€™t get too excited. I can buy frozen multigrain waffles from any hippie megastore, but I only trust Eggo to give me the proper nutritionally worthless convenience of chocolate chips and marshmallow built into my frozen waffle. And when it comes to those two key features â€“ chocolate chips and â€˜mallows â€“ there just arenâ€™t enough.
Itâ€™s a real shame because the chocolate chips are actually composed of real chocolate and take on a nice melty smoothness in the toaster, while the marshmallows strikes a balance of creamy and gooey that puts them somewhere between cereal â€˜mallows and Twinkie cream. On the rare bites when youâ€™re able to pair both the chocolate and â€˜mallows with the slightly crispy waffle, well, youâ€™ll find yourself fully appreciating the words of Hamilton Porter.
In that case, go ahead and â€œstuff itâ€ for all theyâ€™re worth, my friends.
The new Eggo Sâ€™more waffles arenâ€™t bad. They just need sâ€™more of the stuff that makes sâ€™mores so damn good. Speaking of which, forget the butter and maple syrup and go ahead and skewer these puppies on a twig. Fire up the grill, grab some Hersheyâ€™s bars and Jet-Puffs, and then weâ€™ll talk. Or, should I say, weâ€™ll stuff.
(Nutrition Facts â€“ 2 waffles â€“ 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 360Â milligrams of sodium, 95 mg potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 8grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 5 grams of protein.)
Item: Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S’mores Waffles
Size: 8 waffles per box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Real chocolate chips and marshmallow goo. Fancy multigrain-ey flavor. Eating seasonally. Not actually horrible for you at 100 calories per waffle. No hydrogenated fats.
Cons: Needs sâ€™more marshmallows and chocolate chips per waffle. Frequent repetition of juvenile puns. Inconsistent toasting instructions. Freezer burn. THE BEAST.