First off, I have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because her face isn’t shown ad nauseam on the Food Network.
Secondly, I also have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. But she shouldn’t feel bad because I also don’t have one and you probably don’t have one, so she’s in good company.
Thirdly, I wonder if she would slap Guy Fieri in the face for me if I gave her metal gloves to protect her hands from his spiky hair?
Finally, she’s making Taco Bell all fancy and shit, and I don’t like it. For years, it’s been the late night place for those under the influence who order menu items with funny names that sound even funnier to them when they say it over and over again. CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA!
They also sound like the noise drunk people make when they throw up. The new Cantina Bowl and Cantina Burrito Ms. Garcia helped develop for Taco Bell don’t have funny names or sound like someone puking. Although, every time I hear or say the word “cantina,” the music from the Mos Eisley Cantina scene in Star Wars, when Han Solo is introduced, plays in my head.
These ingredients she’s using sound too classy for the usual Taco Bell clientele. Citrus-herb marinated chicken, cilantro rice, and cilantro dressing? Taco Bell regulars aren’t used to eating their herbs, they’re used to smoking their herbs. Although, they’re going to laugh at the fact she’s using Hass avocados.
But those under the influence will be impressed with the size of Taco Bell’s Cantina Burrito. They’ll be like, “It’s the size of my arm, man. It’s like I’m eating my forearm.” Although, it’s not even close to being Chipotle-thick.
The Steak Cantina Burrito I bought was stuffed with grilled and marinated steak, cilantro rice, black beans, guacamole made from the aforementioned and funny Hass avocados, pico de gallo, roasted corn & pepper salsa, Romaine lettuce, and a creamy cilantro dressing. Despite all those ingredients, I have to say the Steak Cantina Burrito’s flavor was extremely disappointing. It was as boring as a lecture about world economics of the 1800s. As I was eating through it, and there’s a lot to eat, I thought to myself, “I’m getting no pleasure out of this. I think I could get more flavor from stamp licking.”
I know there was a lot cilantro dressing in it because it dripped out of the bottom of my burrito. The guacamole also oozed out, but it didn’t provide much flavor. The steak was tender and didn’t taste any different than the stuff inside Taco Bell’s Triple Steak Stack. As for the rice and beans, they made for an awesome burrito filler and fiber giver.
The only explanation I could come up with for its blandness is that the flour tortilla dampens the ingredients in the burrito, because the Chicken Cantina Bowl, which contains the same parts as the burrito minus the steak and tortilla, was delicious.
Taco Bell’s Chicken Cantina Bowl was hearty, brought back memories of my beloved Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, and made me rethink my objections to Lorena Garcia turning Taco Bell “all fancy and shit.” The vegetable-filled picture above makes the Cantina Bowl look more like a Cantina Salad, but I assure you, there’s rice, chicken, and beans under dem greens.
Without a flour tortilla restricting flavors like a culinary straitjacket, I thought the flavors would do a culinary run around naked with their arms flailing and screaming obscenities, but it wasn’t like that. The marinated chicken was better tasting than the usual chicken Taco Bell uses, but the guacamole lacked a strong avocado flavor and the cilantro dressing was light, along with the pico de gallo and roasted corn & pepper salsa. However, everything as a whole was damn satisfying. I enjoyed it several times more than the Steak Cantina Burrito.
The Chicken Cantina Bowl doesn’t have a bold flavor. Instead, it has a wonderful mild flavor that should appeal more to mature taste buds, and not drunk/high college kids who, thanks to the weed and/or alcohol they purchased, only have a few bucks to spend on Gorditas and Chalupas, which they may throw up later.
(Nutrition Facts – Steak Cantina Burrito – 750 calories, 28 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 2040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein. Chicken Cantina Bowl – 560 calories, 22 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1520 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)
Item: Taco Bell Cantina Menu (Cantina Burrito & Cantina Bowl)
Purchased Price: $6.19* (Cantina Burrito)
Purchased Price: $6.49* (Cantina Bowl)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Steak Cantina Burrito)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chicken Cantina Bowl)
Pros: Cantina Bowl was hearty and had a wonderful mild flavor. Cantina Burrito was the size of my forearm. Citrus-herb marinated chicken was better than Taco Bell’s usual chicken. Awesome source of fiber.
Cons: Pricey for those who just spent a whole bunch of money on booze or weed. Steak Cantina Burrito lacks flavor. Flour tortilla holds back flavor like a culinary straitjacket. Lorena Garcia lacking a Wikipedia page. Awesome source of sodium.
*here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we pay a bit more for our Taco Bell.