REVIEW: Burger King Big King (2013)

Burger King Big King

For every Diablo II, there is a Titan Quest. For every Bruce Lee, you get a Bruce Li (or a Bruce Leung if you’re really unfortunate). And for every Volcano, you are tortured by a Dante’s Peak. Is it me or am I the only who laughed when that old lady was screaming in that boiling lake? The melting legs in Volcano were funny too, but at least it had Anne Heche when she was “librarian-hot.”

They say people believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. (Run-on sentence warning.) I say people who say that are secretly wishing to bury a pickaxe into the skull of the imitation rather than spew some bullshit silver lining sayings.

Burger King’s Big King isn’t so much an imitation as it is more of a dare to size up a corporate “Who’s penis is bigger?” argument. The name itself, Big King, is a figurative flaming arrow shot Rambo-way at a certain clown who hawks a particular legendary two all-beef patties sandwich.

But if you plan on taking down a legend, you need to bring more than just empty talk.

You see, I envision this as a bonus stage in Mortal Kombat II, complete with a pixelated voice shouting “Round One, FIGHT!” and the secret blood code unlocked. It’s Big King versus Big Mac! (Cue the underrated Utah Saints’ remix of Mortal Kombat theme song.)

Then I picture the sap playing as Big King watching in silence as he is being barraged by multiple point punches. Soon, computerized shouts of “Toasty!” and “Flawless” pepper the air as the digitalized lettuce and pickles start flying around. Of course, the player smashes the Playstation controller onto the cold tile and walks out.

I believe Big King was introduced in the 90’s, the decade that brought such embarrassments like the soul patch, nipples on Batman’s suit or The Spin Doctors. However, not everything in the 90’s was bad, but Big King will make you think otherwise.

As you can imagine, Big King is two savory fire-grilled beef patties, special sweet thousand island sauce, lettuce, melted American cheese, crunchy pickles, crispy onions in a sesame seed bun. Don’t try to hum that tune while saying that because it won’t work. If you don’t detect the difference, your taste buds will certainly alert you to it.

The burger, to say at the very least, made me contemplate suicide after I poisoned all my goldfish by dropping an Alka-Seltzer in the bowl while listening to Interpol. Dramatic I know, but this burger was a complete Hindenburg disaster.

Burger King Big King Ooze

Upon examination, there was so much sauce. It was dripping off the sides like a glazed donut. The burger patties were dry and thin, like those cheap chocolate chip cookies you get from a subpar travel lodge. True to form in my experience, the cheese was not melted and limp. Yet, the lettuce and onions were abundant and crisp, and those pickles crunched like a sonata. Maybe those passive-aggressive people are right, there is a damned silver lining in everything!

Burger King Big King Topless 2

When I took my first bite, I wanted to throw it away angrily or 80’s-style wrestler stomp it on the ground. All I could taste was the tangy thousand-island dressing that had too much mayonnaise, the intense briny edge of the pickles and flavorless (but crispy) iceberg lettuce. If the sesame bun was toasted, I had no clue because it was soggy and disgusting. It was like eating a sweet mayonnaise and lettuce sandwich. The onions didn’t even add much, except depression.

The sauce drowned out everything. It doesn’t help the beef patties were wafer-thin as if it were pretending to be carpaccio and the flavorless lettuce only emphasized the sole flavor of sweet and tangy globs of mayonnaise.

I was so angry, the onion rings couldn’t even make me happy. Instead I smashed it with my fists and Frisbee’d the offensive sandwich into my neighbor’s lawn.

Burger King’s promise that “Taste is King” on its bags is akin to the corner escort who says “I love you long time.” I’m all for an alternative, but sometimes the old adage rings true…the original is sometimes better. Unless you’re talking about 2008’s Rambo, which I hate to admit, it kicks First Blood out of the jungle.

(Nutrition Facts – 510 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Big King
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: The lettuce and pickles were crunchy. Jet Li. You will be find comfort being assured that McDonald’s still trumps in all other special sauce sandwiches. Unlocking the blood code and stomping things 80’s wrestler style.
Cons: Too much sauce. Cheese not melted. Bruce Li. Thin and dry patties. The onion rings won’t save you. Smashing your controller in a fit of rage as an adult.

15 thoughts on “REVIEW: Burger King Big King (2013)

  1. This burger is not the same “Big King” as it was in the ’90s, and I’m none too happy about it… Back in the ’90s, the patties were MUCH larger and thicker, and there was NO MIDDLE BUN like there is now, which now fills the space that used to be occupied by the EXTRA BEEF back in the ’90s. Maybe BK was hoping nobody would notice?…

    1. Yeah, the 90′s one was basically just a double cheeseburger with the sauce instead of ketchup/mustard/etc. The one by me regularly had them for 2/3$ or 2/4$ and it was a great deal and a good sandwich.

      This thing just flat out looks disgusting. There is not one redeeming quality about it, from the expensive price tag (for 2 value burger patties) to the large middle bun, to the gross sauce…In all seriousness it blows my mind that any member of BK corporate gave the go-ahead to this sandwich. Don’t fast food places constantly test sandwiches? What kind of metric would tell them “hey this is a great sandwich!”

  2. I just ate one today and it will be my last. Mine was the opposite of yours, it had almost no sauce on it. There is too much bread. If that middle bun was thinner it would help. Overall I found it an extremely bland sandwich.

  3. Original, my eye! McDonald’s stole the idea of the Big Mac from the Elias Big Boy restaurant chain. Calling the thousand island dressing “special sauce” doesn’t change that.

    It’s sad to hear that the new Big King is a flop, though. I remember in the late 1990s when McDonald’s and Burger King did the Freaky Friday thing, each imitating the other company’s flagship sandwich. The Big King was actually a respectable burger, easily on par with the Big Mac, while the McBig Xtra was a lousy excuse for a Whopper, with chopped lettuce, slimy tomatoes, and a disconcerting habit of giving you fire and brimstone farts for the rest of the day. It sounds like BK’s sandwich has slid down to that level in its latest incarnation, and that’s really unfortunate.

    You know what I’d like to see make a comeback? The friggin’ Arch Deluxe. That was a mad tasty burger, although my understanding is that it currently only exists in France, under an alias. Give me an Arch Deluxe and an Ecto Cooler on the side and I’d be a happy man(child).

    1. Yes, Arch Deluxe, McDLT, Cheddar Melt, or Grilled Chicken Flatbread Sandwich… All of my favorites McDonals has taken away from me. People harp on for their return, yet the big clown never listens. If they ever did return, they’d probably be priced at $7 each.

  4. I couldn’t agree with you . . .

    LESS!

    I thought it was very good. And it had the distinct Burger King grilled (not fried) taste. Mine was not overly sauced. It was very good because it was not too “sweet” like the Big Mac is. It had a much more beefy and burgery taste that came through. If there was one complaint — as with all new “production” sandwiches these days, it is that it is over-priced. Can’t wait for the day when it is offered at the 2 for $5 special rate like many BK sandwiches are these days. Overall, a VERY GOOD and ANTICIPATED experience.

  5. Mine was awesome! I thought it kicked the **** out of the Big Mac (since I worked there in the 90′s, it feels as though the quality of the golden arch’s food is on a downward spiral). I ate my Big King with an order of satisfries. Both were hot and tasted great…it took the fast-food experience up a notch and it felt as though I was eating food from a more expensive burger chain.

  6. No, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOO
    What have they done to my big king :(

    Luckily here in the Netherlands they still have the “old” big king, same as a double whopper but with the big king sauce, onions an d pickles.

    I hope they never bring this awfull mutation to this side of the pond :(

  7. I too tried them at the 2 for $5.00. What a dissappointment! They looked nothing like the picture on the menue screen. They each had tiny, thin patties on them; pathetic, at best. I had to combine all 4 patties on to one burger bun in a feeble attempt to make it look like the picture on the menu.

    This was an opportunity for BK to make a nice burger, but they took shortcuts to a discounted burger. That’s what they served me, and for the last time.

    Carl Jr’s “Big Carl” is what BK should have done. I would have gladly paid more for a good burger, but I won’t pay anything for a bad one. You blew it BK!

  8. I loved the original and they took it away with made me mad. Nothing they have done since then has been worthy of my money… When I herd they were bringing it back I got excited ” wondering if bk has going to be a place I might spend some money at once again after trying the new big king with it’s small dried out beef patties
    my answer is no… we’re over bk I hope you fail as a business just like your latest attempt at screwing up what used to be a good sandwich

  9. I tried this a few months ago on a 2 for $5 deal. “Small” would be the word for it. I recall barely any lettuce, onions or sauce on it. Maybe 3 bites was all I got for the intended purposes. The rest was like a hamburger or a bunch of bread. Typical poor Burger King quality.

  10. I’ve had the Big King several times and when it’s made to my liking (lots of pickles, lots of onions, LOTS of sauce), I love it. However, several times it barely had any sauce on it (even though I always ask for extra), so little you could hardly see it and not even taste, and the sandwich was just dry and horrible. I prefer the Big Mac (again,with lots of sauce), particularly because the sauce is more flavorful and I like the chopped onions and pickles in it. Still for 2 for $5, I think it’s a great alternative. Also, I’ve never experienced a huge middle bun. The middle bun seemed normal or proportionate to the burger.

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