REVIEW: Milk Chocolate Red Velvet M&M’s

Milk Chocolate Red Velvet M&M's

A little piece of me dies inside every time I hear someone say that their favorite flavor of cake is red velvet.

Instantly, I can’t help but think that this person has fallen victim to the trendy trap. There’s a very good chance that they’re also into Mason jars crafts, beers with at least four adjectives, and occasional juice cleanses. Mainstream chocolate and vanilla are for the plebeians. Other favorite flavors include maple-bacon, pumpkin spice, and Biscoff.

While red velvet can be a perfectly decent cake, it has done nothing to earn its hype. Flavor wise, it’s the homelier sister of a deep chocolate cake. Weaker, less fudgy and appealing, but trying to overcompensate with a crap ton of red food coloring. You think a red Chrysler convertible is actually better than a black Porsche? Take the dye out of a red velvet cupcake and offer it to someone who claims to be obsessed. I’m betting they start eyeing the flashy Funfetti instead.

That being said, I was pretty confused as to what to expect from seasonal Milk Chocolate Red Velvet M&M’s. I was hoping for possibly a cream cheese taste, since that’s the typical frosting pair, and the flavor that usually comes across the most. Plus, given beautiful love affair I had with last year’s White Chocolate Carrot Cake M&M’s, I was hoping to rekindle some kind of sweet creamy magic. But no, these are just straight chocolate.

Milk Chocolate Red Velvet M&M's Closeup

They come in a standard Valentine’s Day palate of red, white, and maroon. Your coworkers will probably think they’re a nice festive gift. Your needy girlfriend who casually leaves the Tiffany’s catalogue in the bathroom will probably not.

They’re a little bit larger than plain M&M’s and more in line with the denser, puffier model that’s been common in recent seasonal varieties.

At first bite, they’re almost indiscernible from regular Milk Chocolate M&M’s. However, it then develops into a weird, chemically aftertaste that doesn’t make me think red velvet at all. If anything, in a blind taste test, I would assume these were the plain stale M&M’s I left sitting in the bowl on my desk for three months and occasionally take a stress-induced handful of. While it’s a noticeable enough taste to make me wish I were eating the original, it’s not offensive enough to make me stop eating them. They may have their faults, but they’re probably not going to get thrown out.

Disappointingly, the inside of these are not red. Since that’s real redeeming quality of red velvet cake, I think M&M’s dropped the ball on this one. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” like a blood red smile.

While these are a novelty to try once, some Cupid magic would be needed to make me buy these again. But since I do still have two bags lying around, you’ll probably find me face deep in them on Valentine’s Day, searching desperately for a man to give me a Tiffany’s box.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 oz. (about 1/4 cup) – 210 calories, 9 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Milk Chocolate Red Velvet M&M’s
Purchased Price: $2.88
Size: 9.90 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Thicker than plain M&Ms. Festively colored. Easily satisfied coworkers. Comforting nighttime binge eating. Cheaper than jewelry.
Cons: Chemically aftertaste. Annoying, high maintenance cake eaters. Annoying, high maintenance girlfriends. Binge eating alone on Valentine’s Day. Not getting a Tiffany box. WILL ANYONE EVER LOVE ME? Not red inside.

12 thoughts on “REVIEW: Milk Chocolate Red Velvet M&M’s

    1. What’s the point of accentuating the color ‘red velvet’ if there’s no way to directly look at it? Besides holding a crumbly half-piece. :/

    2. Red velvet was never about red food dye. When you mix cocoa powder and buttermilk, it turns reddish. Then someone had the bright idea to ruin this wonderful flavor with an entire bottle of red food dye.

      Try the real thing. It’s worth it.

    3. Actually there are blue velvet cupcakes.. they are amazing. I am a red velvet lover, have been all my life. But very few places do it right. I have no doubt they prob taste nothing like red velvet, but I am at a bit of a loss. Your first sentence already formed your opinion and if you hate red velvet so much, it makes no sense for you to write this review.

  1. The second paragraph is rendered perfect by its inclusion of Biscoff.

    I confess to sharing the puzzlement at why “red velvet” is the new big thing, along with a vague, unfocused urge to use an old bottle of fluorescent pink food coloring in chocolate cupcakes and see what happens. Or maybe the fluorescent purple…

    And damnit, if the candies aren’t red inside, they’re not red velvet! Red icing does not count!

  2. When someone says their favorite flavor of cake is red velvet, I take that to mean their favorite flavor of cake is actually “cream cheese frosting”.

  3. I don’t understand the whole red velvet thing either. My aunt made me a red velvet birthday cake for my 12th birthday and that was a couple of hundred years ago. It was weird then and it is weird now.

    Welcome to TIB, Natalie. A very enjoyable review!

  4. I tried them. They are the least exciting MnM’s to come in out in forever. I liked the Gingerbread, the Pumpkin Spice, the Carrot Cake, even the Candy Corn. But this…

    But the flavor wasn’t unexpected to me, I guess. I had assumed it would taste like chocolate with too much red food coloring, and it totally did.

    But yeah, the lack of inner-red was very disappointing.

  5. I will admit, I am a lover of Red Velvet cake. I was so excited to try this new flavor. I also was disappointed that they were not red in the middle. The smell that assaults your nose as you open the bag almost made me gag. As for the taste, I can only offer one word. DISGUSTING. I tried one m&m, and threw the rest away. I will go back to my original or peanut butter flavor.

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