REVIEW: Häagen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato

Written by | April 7, 2014

Topics: 10 Rating, Haagen Dazs, Ice Cream

Ha?agen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato

There are many great mysteries in the universe. Like has anybody ever really killed two birds with one stone? Who’s the brilliant mind behind the cookie cake? If everything King Midas touches turns to gold, can he… you know… touch himself? Surely I’m not the only one who ponders these questions on a daily basis. Here’s another one of those mysteries: is gelato any good from a container?

Before I moved to Missouri, I lived directly across the street from an Italian café, which served the most foodgasm-inducing gelato I’d ever eaten. There were so many flavor options to choose from, it made every trip an adventure because you never knew what you’d walk out of there with.

Now that the authentic gelato is no longer across the street – and as far as I can tell nowhere to be had here – I knew it was time to do some investigating of my own into the store-bought gelatos. I got in the car and made the ever-joyous weekly trip to Walmart. And that’s not sarcasm. I literally live in the middle of nowhere, and going to Walmart passes for fun around these parts.

While perusing the ice cream aisle, I found Häagen-Dazs had a new line of gelatos, and the flavor debate began to rage in my noggin. Pomegranate swirl? No. Caramelized banana chip? Interesting, but wasn’t in a banana mood. Pistachio? PISTACHIO! Yes, this was the one. Even the Walmart cashier knew it was the one, as before she put it in the bag she took a gander at it and said, “Mmm, now that looks good.” Indeed it does, Walmart cashier. Indeed it does.

Upon arriving home, I put the gelato in the freezer and prepared to set the mood for the occasion. I tucked the corners of my love seat cover in so it looked nice and neat, cleaned the clutter from my coffee table, put some Miles Davis on and got into my jammies. Yes, I call them jammies.

Ha?agen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato Top

After retrieving the gelato from it’s frozen prison, I popped it’s top – tee hee – and gave it a look over. It’s a darker green than pistachio ice creams are, and it had little black specks in it, kind of like a vanilla bean flavor would. I buried the cold steel of my spoon in and took a bite.

HO. LEE. CRAP.

The gelato was light and uber-creamy like authentic gelato, and it tasted like a real pistachio without having actual pistachios inside of it. This is an advantage because as anyone who’s eaten pistachio ice cream knows, you get a rotten pistachio every once in a while and it is one of the vilest tastes you’ll encounter.

The gelato is sweet tasting like pistachio ice cream, but you also get that roasted pistachio taste, something I hadn’t encountered in a frozen pistachio delicacy before. It has a high fat content, but you couldn’t tell unless you looked at the nutrition facts because it’s just so damn light and airy. The only element it was missing was the saltiness a real pistachio has. Curious, I put a little bit of salt on a spoonful.

Ha?agen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato Spoon

It would be impossible for a word or two to describe just how good this bite was, so I will attempt to do so with the following story that may or may not be true. I’ll leave it to you to decide.

After taking the bite, I blacked out. I awoke some time later to a knock on my door. I wondered who it could be as my building has a buzz-in system. My hot neighbor finally giving into my offer of drinking and yelling at my fantasy baseball team with me? I opened the door to reveal a six-foot tall pistachio. I first thought this some odd Trojan horse attempt of my hot neighbor to make it inside my apartment, and I said “if you wanted to come watch fantasy scores with me, you just had to ask.” But this was not my hot neighbor. It was a talking pistachio. And not just any pistachio either. It was the Pistachio King!

He said he was summoned here when I achieved pistachio bliss after putting salt on the gelato. I had uncovered the key to ultimate pistachio power. Basically, I unlocked the Super Saiyan 4 level of pistachio flavor.

The king and I hit it off instantly. It was like we were best friends in a past lifetime. He brought a 24-pack of my favorite beer, Sam Adams Coldsnap, and even laughed at my lame “that’s a Coldsnap, baby” line, a play off of SRV’s “Coldshot.” We put back bottle after bottle and collectively yelled at my fantasy baseball team. Once the games were done for the night, I asked Pistachio King if he wanted to watch me play Kingdom Hearts, and without hesitation he said yes! It’s not even a two-player game, but he didn’t care, he just continued to drink and cheer me on.

At one point Pistachio King asked if I wanted “some of that good shit,” and pulled out a baggie filled with a white crystal-like substance inside. I said “Pistachio King, I don’t do that,” but he said “don’t worry, it’s only salt!” We had a good laugh, and then I put some of the salt on the gelato and took a bite. Everything started spinning, and I again blacked out.

When I awoke, Pistachio King was gone and the gelato container was empty. Probably just a dream. But wait, why are there pistachio shells on the floor? Hmm… Well, at least the gelato from a container mystery was solved.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 260 calories, 13 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 22 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 4% iron.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato
Purchased Price: $3.89
Size: 14 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: As good as legit Italian gelato. Incredible real pistachio flavor. Adding a bit of salt brings out-of-body experience. Kickin’ it with Pistachio King.
Cons: High fat content. Container’s not a full pint. Hot neighbor still doesn’t want to drink and yell at my fantasy baseball team with me. King Midas mystery remains unsolved.






13 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. wendooku says:

    You had me at pistachio….

  2. TheEmperor says:

    You know, when I first started reading your blog, I said to myself, “Pistachio King? Really?” But, you did it. You pulled it off. It worked and I laughed. Good job!

    • SD says:

      I agree – great review! I not only plan on trying the gelato but I’ll try to give Coldsnap a shot as well.

      • Trevor says:

        Emperor, thank you kindly! SD, thank you as well, and Coldsnap is definitely worth a try. If you like Blue Moon type beers you’ll love it.

  3. Anon says:

    Trevor, for some reference, what would you say your top 5/10 ice creams/gelato/frozen desserts are?

    • Trevor says:

      Anon, here is a top 5 list:
      1. Chubby Hubby (original recipe)
      2. Ben and Jerry’s Oatmeal Raisin
      3. Chunky Monkey
      4. Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough
      5. Haagen-Dazs pistachio.

      I really thought the gelato was one of the best I’ve had. I’ve had those others ones more times than I can count, so the fact that the gelato broke into my top 5 should say something.

  4. sylvia says:

    ok, trevor, this is a darn entertaining review! good job!

  5. Sophia says:

    I like this version, but I like Talenti’s pistachio gelato a little more.

    And does anyone else find it weird that spell check doesn’t recognize the word Gelato?

    • Trevor says:

      I will have to give the Talenti a try. It is a bit pricey, that’s the only thing that makes me hesitant but I’ll bite the financial bullet and pick it up one day.

  6. Kn says:

    This review cracked me up! Love your writing style and thanks for the laugh!

  7. Marianna says:

    Great read and great humor. I want the gelato now. I also want to party with the king

  8. Patti says:

    I LUV THIS GUY’S HUMOR!HE’S A RIP! WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE BEEN IN THE 2112 BAR THAT NIGHT! YOU SHOULD PLAY SONG POP ON FACEBOOK IF YOU LIKE THAT KIND OF MUSIC(MY KIND TOO) AND COME PLAY ME, (pmcm ryan)WE’LL HAVE FUN:) tnx for the giggles and HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!



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