Armed with a $50 gift card and a twisted obsession with anything gimmicky, I drifted into Best Buy with my eyes peeled and my mind open. At every corner, I was ambushed by tall and gawky nerds in bright blue shirts who asked me if I was finding everything okay. I eventually replied, “No, for you see, I’m just an caveman. Your wares frighten and confuse me!” which bemused them and eventually got them off my back.

As I made my way towards the center of the store, I literally stumbled upon the giant display of the new Nintendo DS game Guitar Hero: On Tour. After knocking down roughly half of the boxes, I managed to pick them up in time before any employees could come around to shoot me an angry leer. The game certainly looked intriguing enough, and in the end, the box art’s promise of turning me into a meth-addicted white trash rocker was too much to pass up.

Fifty dollars is a lot for a DS game, but it does have plenty of extras included. The contents of the package are as follows: a four-button fret with an adjustable strap that fits into the DS’s Gameboy slot, a plastic “skin” for the device, a pick-shaped stylus that fits in the contraption, an adapter for players with an old DS, and the video game itself. I must warn you that the device is a bit small. Since I have tiny little girl hands, however, I had no problem with the size.

For those uninitiated with Guitar Hero, you simply match your fingers to the notes displayed on the screen and strum at the moment that they reach the bottom. You would typically do this with a guitar controller that looks like a Fisher Price toy, but in this version you move your fingers on the attached frets and “strum” with your pick stylus on the touch screen. It works surprisingly well with near-perfect accuracy, meaning that you have no one to blame but yourself when you are booed off the stage.

The downside, of course, is that you are actually playing a simulation of a simulation. The creators of Futurama have already parodied this paradox, but little did they know that it would come true 992 years earlier than they predicted. You won’t get the enjoyment of pretending that you’re Slash or any of your other favorite drugged up guitarists, but you will get a great portable music game with enough tracks (26 in all) to keep you entertained until your parents kick your slacker ass out of the house.

If you want more info, check out my poorly narrated video for a content and game play demonstration.

Item: Guitar Hero: On Tour
Price: $49.99
Purchased at: Best Buy
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Comes with fun and gimmicky fret controller that is sure to impress the ladies in public. Game works surprisingly well for a portable version. Other than Elite Beat Agents, this is the only good music game currently released for the DS.
Cons: Much pricier than regular DS games, which typically retail for $30. Can’t pretend that you’re actually playing a guitar. Controller might be a bit small for people with adult-sized hands. Overbearing employees.

Being a die-hard Celtics fan, I recently had the great pleasure of watching Kobe Bryant lose in historic fashion in the NBA Finals. I never liked Kobe, probably stemming from the time he took pop singer Brandy to his high school prom. It all seemed very insincere. At that moment, I could have sworn that it was a Michael Jackson−Lisa Marie Presley situation where he was covering up his secret disturbing sexuality by dating a woman that he could never really be attracted to. I mean, come on…Moesha? I’m not gay, but I’m pretty certain that I’d rather have sex with her brother Ray J.

Perhaps the best Kobe Bryant-related news I’ve heard all week, however, stems from a club frequented by former teammate and fellow adulterer Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq hates Kobe, not just because he is a sociopathic ball-hog, but because he told the police that Shaq paid off women to keep them quiet about their unsavory trysts. This all led up to TMZ catching juvenile-ly hilarious footage of Shaq in a club commanding Kobe to “tell me how my ass tastes” through the medium of freestyle rap.

I don’t know what Kobe’s response is, though I’m certain that he would somehow manage to fit in “We just have to toughen up on defense,” but I’d imagine that the taste of Shaq’s ass is not dissimilar to Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage Minis. Maybe that’s being a little harsh, but I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to eat these things when there’s a much better version on the market that comes on a stick. My philosophy has always been that things taste better on sticks. Preferably deep fried sticks. Don’t ask me why, it’s just how things are.

Since I bought this box on the eve of my championship celebration, I had high hopes for these bite-sized Minis. Unfortunately for me, nothing ruins my mood faster than crappy and overpriced food. These Minis were soggy, disarmingly sweet, and had the texture of ground rubber. Being a fair reviewer, I then tried a batch in the toaster over.

For my patience, I was rewarded with a saccharine, crispy shell of batter surrounding a fine piece of ground rubber. As you could probably imagine, I quickly grew weary of this mysterious rubber sausage and went to the local Pep Boys to inquire about its recycled value. Alas, as I’m sure Shaq would enjoy hearing Kobe say something about his ass, sometimes things are just better in bigger packages.

(Nutritional Facts – 3 pieces – 260 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 30 mg of cholesterol, 510mg sodium, 19 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, 4% Iron)

Item: Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage Minis
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Small, convenient size for families on the go who don’t care if they enjoy what they’re eating. For the environmentally conscious, sausage may be recyclable. Freestyle rapping about the taste of ass.
Cons: Very small portion for the price that you’re paying. Comes out soggy in the microwave. Extremely sweet for a product that isn’t honey-battered. Sausage tastes like a tire.

Banquet holds a special place in my heart, and not just in the cholesterol-filled regions either. For as long as I can remember, Banquet has been cranking out meals that rarely go above the rate of one dollar. Even as gas prices have risen to the point where I regularly consider skipping important things like school and frat parties just to save a little scratch, I know I can find a cheap frozen meal that will do a decent job of filling me up.

With the introduction of their Select Recipe line of meals, Banquet is looking to be more than just stop-gap chow for broke people. They are now looking to compete with brands like Marie Calendar’s in terms of flavor and heartiness. While they don’t exactly succeed, they would earn themselves a trophy if the frozen food market was like one of those self-esteem boosting little leagues for weenies.

Select Recipes differ from other Banquet meals because they offer up more vegetables and generally more “gourmet” ingredients such as white meat chicken in this Chicken Parmesan selection. The chicken is still emulsified and processed to the depths of Hell, yes, but it is white meat nonetheless. The result is a slightly inflated price of $1.50 per box, which is still cheaper than anything the government should legally allow you to eat as a meal.

Predictably, the broccoli turns into green mush once it touches your teeth. Those spoiled by those fancy steam-cooked microwave vegetables will be sorely disappointed. You can salvage it by smothering it with cheese whiz, but I doubt you’ll feel good about yourself afterwards.

The chicken, however, surprised me by not becoming too soggy even after being cooked on top of the sauce and penne pasta. It actually had a decent amount of flavor despite without tasting too salty. Pasta often turns into a gummy paste after being nuked in the microwave, but it managed to stay reasonably firm and completed the surprisingly edible meal. Cheapskates, heed my call: you may miss your fifty cents now, but even the grimiest of all hobos would laugh at your stinginess if you didn’t give these meals a try.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 meal – 350 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 870mg sodium, 37 grams of carbs, 8 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 30% Vitamin C, 15% Calcium, 15% Iron, 10% Vitamin E, 15% Thiamine, 15% Riboflavin, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Folic Acid, 30% Phosphorus, and 10% Magnesium)

Item: Banquet Select Recipe Chicken Parmesan
Price: $1.50
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A decent serving of vegetables to help curb your malnourishment. Chicken and pasta maintain a nice texture even after being microwaved. Now made with white meat chicken.
Cons: Chicken is still processed. Broccoli is way overcooked and soft. 50% more expensive than the regular meals. Letting gas prices control your life.

Tyson likes to tout themselves as a family brand that gives the family a good source of protein so that the family can come together as a family during family time. Basically, they like to cram the word “family” as much as they can into every commercial while throwing in the occasional “wholesome” and “nutritious.” How, then, can they justify selling this?

This, of course, is their new Any’tizers line of products which feature such strange treats as bacon/cheddar chicken bites and Burger King-style chicken fries. Tyson says that this line is necessary in the world of frozen food because “snacking has become the fourth meal in today’s busy households.” However, we all know that Taco Bell is in fact Fourthmeal (Yes, that’s how they spell it), so I’m not sure who they’re trying to fool.

I decided to try it out anyways and went for their cheddar jalapeno chicken bites. These are three ingredients that I love on their own, but I was certainly skeptical of their ability to be tasty in deep fried ball form. I don’t believe that I’ve ever had processed chicken mixed with cheese, but I figured that I love Oscar Meyer cheese dogs, so it couldn’t be all that bad.

I was mostly right. The image of melted cheddar oozing out of the chicken is undeniably strange, but the flavor is suitably mild. I actually enjoyed the jalapeno in the bite as it was spicy without being overbearing. I tested it on various dipping sauces, from ranch to ketchup, even digging through my fridge for some salsa con queso as seen on the box. I found that it tasted best on its own, as sauces masked its flavors.

These won’t replace regular chicken nuggets for me, but it’s a tasty treat for kids and those gross people who enjoy mixing their food together as they eat.

(Nutritional Facts – 4 pieces – 200 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 450mg sodium, 13 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 4% Iron)

Item: Tyson Any’tizers Cheddar & Jalapeno Chicken Bites
Price: $3.79
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Real jalapenos give it a spicy kick. Cheddar cheese flavor is mild. Pretty tasty without need for dipping sauce.
Cons: Processed chicken means that the bites won’t please more adult palates. Some would find the combination of flavors off-putting. Pricier than regular chicken nuggets. Tyson trying to steal Fourthmeal from Taco Bell.

Pizza is a food that is typically shared, whether it be with your family while watching Brink reruns on the Disney Channel or with your friends watching Billy Madison after vaporizing a half pound of weed. It’s cheap, filling, and one of the few foods that you have to eat with your hands in order to not look like a douchebag. The folks at the Kraft Foods company, however, have turned eating pizza into a more fanciful singles affair.

They recently launched their “For One” pizzas for their DiGiorno and California Pizza Kitchen lines, individual-sized pies made for your hectic lifestyle. According to their PR release, “consumers now have a reason to look forward to eating alone.”

Seriously − what the fuck? Now, I don’t really think that the people at CPK want to turn Americans into a group of misanthropic zombies eating alone in a giant auditorium like some strange existentialist painting from soviet Russia, but you have to admit that it sounds a bit creepy.

I was thinking that if this pizza is good enough to make me not want to eat with my loved ones, it must taste like some divine combination of ambrosia and the first fifteen seconds of Fruit Stripe gum. The box certainly looks promising − with interesting ingredients such as fontina cheese and spicy ham. At a mere 5.5 ounces, however, I was worried that it would be the pizza equivalent of a cock-tease.

My fears were alleviated upon consumption. While it is on the small side, it is adequate for a substantial lunch if you have a side salad to go along with it. The crust is super thin and crispy, perfect for piling on the meat toppings that actually taste like quality Italian sausages. It shouldn’t be surprising that a meat product actually tastes like it’s supposed to, but my mind has been ruined by 19 years of emulsified chicken. The Italian herb and cheese seasoning is a tad bit strong, but separates the flavor from other boring pizzas.

The box says it’s microwaveable, but believe me: no pizza, no matter how many gray discs and grid-lined cartons they cram in the package, is anything other than crap from the microwave. Stick with a toaster oven and your patience will be rewarded.

At $3.29, it is a bit on the pricey side, but it is a nice treat for yourself after all of those years stocking up on Celeste and Jeno’s every time they go on sale for $.89. You know what I’m talking about. So if you enjoy a quality frozen pizza, go ahead and give this a try and look forward to eating alone for the rest of your life!

(Nutritional Facts – 1 pizza – 450 calories, 200 calories from fat, 22 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 820mg sodium, 42 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 21 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 30% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: California Pizza Kitchen For One Sicilian Pizza
Price: FREE (retails for $3.29)
Purchased at: From the nice CPK PR peeps
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Good quality meats compared to what you usually get in frozen pizzas. Thin crust is very crispy. Comes out perfectly after a few minutes in the toaster oven. You get to look forward to eating alone.
Cons: Pretty small, even for an individual pizza. Herb seasoning is a bit strong. Pricey for a frozen pizza. No pizza is ever microwaveable. Reruns of movies such as Brink and Smart House on the Disney Channel.

Americans love a lot of things: pornography, violence, and worshipping false idols. But most of all we love food. Not just good, classic food, but superfluous and extravagant treats that go far beyond the realm of reasonable. We’re the country that balked at Britain’s attempt at a deep fried Mars bar and invented deep fried pizza. It’s only fitting that one of our classic desserts consists of taking a giant scoop of vanilla ice cream and dumping it into a carbonated beverage that somehow contains more sugar than actual sugar.

Yes, the ice cream float has always had a mysterious hold over the imaginations of everyone who’s ever eaten at a diner. Whether it’s the furious bubbling of the concoction or the smooth consistency of ice cream mixed with your favorite soda, it’s hard to resist what basically boils down to an ice cream sauce that you drink. The people at the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group (sounds like an awesome law firm) have taken this idea and released “floats” in Sunkist and A&W root beer flavors, selling them at the premium price of $4.99 for a box of four bottles.

I chose the Sunkist version because I have a Keenan and Kel-like affinity towards orange soda which has been the source of much ridicule in the past. It’s made with real skim milk, making it a low-fat option for those craving an ice cream float. The sugar content, however, is still disturbing. I’m writing this right now as I’m slipping in and out of a diabetic coma because this stuff has 63 grams of sugar in an 11.5 ounce bottle, which is nearly twice as much as regular soda. How they managed to do this is head-explodingly troubling.

The float is absolutely awful when it’s lukewarm, which is to be expected, but is pleasant and refreshing when well-chilled. It tastes very similar to a lot of orange cream sodas that are already on the market, except it is a bit milkier. Also of note is that it has no carbonation at all, which I found odd because a little bit would have made it more interesting on the palate.

You won’t feel great about yourself while you’re drinking this because you can taste every single gram of sugar in each sip. There’s a lot of advertising these days about guilt-free snacks, but this isn’t one of them. At the end of the day, this stuff is way too sweet to be drunk on a regular basis. Of course, I thought the same thing about Lindsay Lohan as well and it didn’t stop her from being a big success. We’ll have to wait and see with the Sunkist Float.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 bottle – 260 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 20mg sodium, 64 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 63 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, and 4% Calcium)

Item: Sunkist Float
Price: $4.99 (box of 4)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes pretty good when it’s ultra-chilled. Low on fat while still having a milky flavor. Ice cream sauce that you drink. Deep fried pizza.
Cons: Extremely sweet and horrible for you. No carbonation. A little pricey for what you’re getting.