Eggo owns over 70 percent of the US frozen waffle market. Instead of sitting back and basking in their successes, the Eggo product development team has kept the pedal to the metal, releasing what feels like dozens of new varieties and seasonal flavors in recent years. The guy in charge of naming new items, however, has really gotten lazy. The latest product is called the Eggo Waffler, and I just can’t imagine how they settled on that name. Doing some vague political messaging in an election year would be stupid. Stealing the synonym for a waffle iron is just confusing. Maybe some additional one-letter-away product names are coming down the pipeline, and Kellogg’s is just preparing us for Wafflez for Tweens, the mutant comic book tie-in WaffleX, and Waffl’d, Ashton Kutcher’s new cooking/prank show.

In any case, it’s a shame this product is so poorly named, because the Waffler is the best thing to happen to Eggos this decade (well, second best – being name-dropped in a Childish Gambino rap last year certainly ups the brand’s cred). I tried the Brown Sugar Cinnamon Roll variety, and it was really tasty. The box promises “Packed with flavor – no syrup needed,” and I think Kellogg’s delivered pretty well.

The Wafflers come in sets of two which are connected by a perforated edge and, combined, are similar in size to a regular Eggo waffle. I suppose making them rectangular allows for easier holding and transporting, so if Kellogg’s is hoping to emphasize the added convenience of these Eggos, I guess the new shape helps.

The delicious scent of cinnamon rolls was very noticeable both pre- and post-toasting. Upon taking a bite, I found the Wafflers to be filled with cinnamon flavor (you can see specks all across the surface) as well as a solid amount of sweetness. It certainly wasn’t as sugary as an actual cinnamon roll, but I didn’t feel the need to add any syrup at all. Since my original tasting, I’ve had some Wafflers with strawberries and made McGriddle-style breakfast sandwiches. These Wafflers have clearly become my frozen waffles of choice, but if you have a major sweet tooth, I can imagine you finding them a little bit lacking in sweetness.

One wild card factor definitely worth mentioning: the sugar is cooked into these Eggos, but they’re not sticky in any noticeable way. The shape of the Wafflers might add relatively little convenience, but no syrup and a non-sticky product makes for a quick, mess-free eating experience. It’s perfect for serially tardy kids who always need to eat breakfast on the way to the bus stop, as well as for drunken adults who occasionally wake up with their half-eaten drunk food lying next to them in bed. In short, I could’ve used some Eggo Wafflers for the last twenty years of my life. Ignore the stupid name – go pick some up today!

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles/4 waffle bars – 250 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 510 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 40 less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals)

Other Kellogg’s Eggo Wafflers Brown Sugar Cinnamon Roll reviews:
Freezer Burns

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Wafflers Brown Sugar Cinnamon Roll
Price: $3.29
Size: 16 Wafflers (8 waffles)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Smells great. Lots of cinnamon flavor and just the right amount of sweetness (for me, at least). Not sticky + no need for syrup = mess-free eating. The new shape might add to the convenience. That waffle line by Childish Gambino is dope.
Cons: Probably not sweet enough for everyone. Stupid name. I would watch Waffl’d. Always being late as a kid. Always eating drunk food as an adult.

Like so many 20-somethings, I often feel like I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. I have my own job, apartment, and 401k, but I also still play video games, don’t know how to sew buttons back on my shirts, and am totally fine with appropriating Britney Spears lyrics to describe my existential circumstances.

I think my relationship with breakfast cereal is emblematic of this condition of emerging adulthood. I’ve finally realized that two cups of coffee don’t pass as breakfast for proper, health-minded adults, so I dutifully eat some Shredded Wheat or Kashi most mornings. But anytime I have ready access to children’s cereals, I’ll spend all day plotting my next foray into the break room for another bowl of sugary goodness.

(Last year, I lived across the street from my office, and if I ever saw Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the break room late in the week, I’d go into work on the weekends for breakfast. I once got into the elevator with a coworker on a Saturday morning, and I felt compelled to stick around for an hour pretending to have non-Cinnamon Toast Crunch-related business to handle so he wouldn’t think I was a huge weirdo like all of you do right now.)

All of this is a very roundabout way of asking: does Kellogg’s new Krave Chocolate Cereal pass muster as an adult cereal? Before actually eating any, I ran through the evidence:

Uh, it’s CHOCOLATE for breakfast. Not adult.

That being said, it’s actually not bad, health-wise – whole grains, no high fructose corn syrup, and less sugar than a lot of other cereals. Adult.

Kooky fonts on the box and krazy spelling in the name. Not adult.

Absence of an anthropomorphic animal mascot. Adult.

There’s a visual on the official website of an anthropomorphic piece of Krave cereal that, judging by the chocolate around its mouth and its “CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE YUM YUM” sign, may have recently committed an unspeakable act of cannibalism while serving on a picket line of some sort. Unclear, but kind of disturbing.

Based on my completely arbitrary set of criteria, there’s no definitive proof that Krave is an adult cereal. That also means there’s no definitive proof that it’s not an adult cereal, so I will proceed to the review with no qualms about setting back my slow march towards adulthood once again.

A very pleasant smell of chocolate wafted out as soon as I opened the bag. Each piece of cereal was a bit larger than a Chex, and many pieces either had flecks of chocolate on the outside or were somehow transparent enough for me to see the chocolate on the inside.

I started by eating a couple pieces dry. Krave is crunchy without being exceedingly so (think Chex or Lays potato chips rather than Cap’n Crunch or kettle chips), and the outer shell’s lightly crunchy texture and its lightly sweetened taste work well together. I was disappointed at first with the amount of the signature ingredient – when I bit pieces in half, I could see that there was relatively little chocolate within the shells, and the taste of chocolate in each individual piece was underwhelming, too.

However, when I added milk to a full bowl of Krave and ate whole spoonfuls, the chocolate flavor began to shine. Each bite tasted more chocolaty than the last, yet at no point did it ever get to be too chocolaty. (Sidenote: did you know Microsoft spellcheck will suggest “chocolatier” instead of “more chocolaty”? And then tell you that “chocolatier” is not actually a word?) I also detected a slight hint of hazelnut, though the list of ingredients actually makes no mention of that. The cereal retained its crunchiness fairly well in the milk, but I was irritated that none of the chocolate leaked out to provide me with a bowl of chocolate milk at the end.

Is Kellogg’s Krave an “adult” cereal? No. Would I pretend to have work to do on a Saturday morning just to eat a bowl? No. Still, I definitely enjoyed it and would recommend you grab a box. Krave doesn’t fit into my adult cereal rotation, nor is it really sweet enough to qualify as a childish indulgence, but Amazon would only sell me Krave in a pack of four. I guess I’ll have to take the adult path of not being wasteful and eat many, many more bowls of Krave in the near future.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (cereal only) – 120 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamin and minerals.)

Other Kellogg’s Krave Chocolate Cereal reviews:
Rodzilla Reviews
Option Pitch Waffle Crisp (Double Chocolate)

Item: Kellogg’s Krave Chocolate Cereal
Price: $5.00 per box (4-pack for $20)
Size: 11.4 ounce box
Purchased at: Amazon
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice chocolate smell. Appropriately crunchy. Lightly sweetened. Chocolate flavor builds as you eat more. Retains its crunchiness fairly well in milk. Has whole grains and no high fructose corn syrup. Eating chocolate for breakfast. Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Britney Spears’ first album.
Cons: Amount of chocolate may be disappointing if you’re only eating a small serving. Doesn’t leave behind chocolate milk. Kind of pricey, now that I think about it. Amazon not allowing me to buy a single box. Cereal cannibalism. Not living across the street from the office.

It’s a wonderful time for cheese lovers. Cheesy Christmas music is playing everywhere, Cheeseheads can purchase shares of the NFL champion Green Bay Packers, and Domino’s recently introduced their new Stuffed Cheesy Breads. While watching another Packers victory as well as the 60 Minutes segment on Michael Bublé’s Christmas special, my roommates and I decided to make it 3-for-3 on the cheesiness for the day and ordered all three Stuffed Cheesy Breads varieties: Spinach & Feta, Bacon & Jalapeno, and Cheese only.

The Stuffed Cheesy Breads looked like big calzones with garlic and cheese seasoning on top. One order had eight pieces, with each piece weighing in at 140-160 calories. Normally we’d be concerned about such high caloric intake, but since it took us so much energy to sit on the couch in our underwear and watch football that day, we felt completely justified in carbo-loading before the rigorous evening TV lineup. I had expected the orders to come with marinara sauce, and I was disappointed to find out that wasn’t the case. But sometimes life throws you curveballs, and all you can do is roll with the punches and mix your sports metaphors, so we dove right in sans dipping sauces.

Domino’s claims each Stuffed Cheesy Bread contains as much cheese as their medium pizza. The pieces on the ends, then, were akin to the pizza crust, as no cheese was actually inside the two end pieces. The remaining six pieces really were quite cheesy. The gooey mozzarella and cheddar mix on the inside played well with the different texture and taste of the crusty Romano cheese seasoning on the outside. Similarly, the top of the bread had an appropriate amount of crunch, while the inside was soft and doughy (though occasionally too doughy). The bottom of some pieces got to be a bit soggy and grew soggier as we slowly made our way through each Stuffed Cheesy Bread.

The Cheese Only one was fine but quickly became boring, especially in the absence of any dipping sauces. I won’t ever order it again if only because the other two varieties were clearly tastier. The Spinach & Feta Stuffed Cheesy Bread contained a reasonable amount of both titular ingredients, and the sharp, salty tanginess of the feta really shined. I only wish the feta had been spread more evenly throughout the order. The Bacon & Jalapeno one had a hefty amount of both ingredients, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the bacon came in actual strips and the jalapeños came in whole slices that gave the Cheesy Bread a real spicy heat. I suppose I don’t have any Bacon & Jalapeno-specific complaints, unless you count the fact that Domino’s doesn’t use a tilde in their spelling of jalapeño (in which case, you and I would probably make great friends, but possibly only because you’ve driven away all your other friends with your grammatical nitpicking).

One final thought: This might sound silly to a lot of you, but it kind of bothers me not to know what role these Stuffed Cheesy Breads should play in a meal. Is it a side dish or is it a main dish? Breadsticks are clearly appetizers, but ordering bread stuffed with the cheese of a medium pizza to serve as the appetizer to an actual pizza feels like a convenient semantic loophole for fat people to exploit. (Note: I may be one of these fat people.) If you don’t particularly care about the identity crises of your foods, just go out and get cheesy this December. Take a Lactaid supplement, turn up the Michael Bublé Christmas album, and order a couple Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Breads.

(Nutrition Facts – Cheese – 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 420 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Spinach & Feta – 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 260 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Bacon & Jalapeño – 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 350 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Other Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread reviews:
So Good Blog
dillonpapst (YouTube)
Poor Food and Wine

Item: Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread (Cheese, Spinach & Feta, and Bacon & Jalapeno)
Price: $5.99 each
Purchased at: Domino’s
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Cheese Only)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Spinach & Feta)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Bacon & Jalapeno)
Pros: Really cheesy. Nice contrast between gooey mozzarella and cheddar on the inside, crusty Romano on the outside. Top of bread has crunch, inside of bread is soft and doughy. Spinach & Feta had good amount of spinach and feta. Bacon & Jalapeno had tons of bacon and jalapeños. Bacon came in strips. Jalapeños came in whole slices, which added some nice heat.
Cons: Bottom of some pieces grew soggy. Two of eight pieces had no cheese inside. Didn’t come with marinara sauce. Cheese Only got boring fast. Feta could have been more evenly spread. Domino’s doesn’t use a tilde when spelling jalapeño. Grammar nitpicking. Semantic loopholes. My roommate is going to be mad when he reads I think Michael Bublé’s music is cheesy.

I’ve always been supportive of fast food corporations’ revenues on new items, and now that the Colbert Super PAC has taught me corporations are people, I am also trying to be more supportive of fast food corporations’ self-esteem. In order to be more sensitive to Dunkin’ Donuts’ feelings, and because their new product is a sandwich, I will use the sandwich method of feedback to review the new Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich by sandwiching each piece of negative feedback between two positive thoughts.

Positive: The sandwich stayed warm while I walked the 6 blocks home.
Negative: I recently moved apartments and there are now two Starbucks within those 6 blocks. You better up your locations around here, Dunkin’. I love you, but I also love gingerbread lattes and free WiFi.
Positive: On the other hand, the counter guys at Dunkin’ Donuts never judge me for constantly confusing the only two Italian words I know. Stupid smug baristas.

Positive: The cheese was well-melted and kept the split-length-wise sausage link in place very well.
Negative: I suppose the two half-links of sausage probably provide more meat than a regular sausage patty, but they were like a square peg being put in a round hole, or more accurately two half-cylinders bifurcating an oblate spheroid (now there’s an expression that could really catch on). The half-links felt awkwardly bulky on an English muffin, and I ended up with inconsistent amounts of meat in each bite.
Positive: Overall, the sandwich did feel a bit more filling than your average Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast sandwich.

Positive: The premium sausage is produced by Hillshire Farm, whose founders are in the Wisconsin Meat Industry Hall of Fame. No seriously, that exists.
Negative: Any Hillshire Farm product hits you with a bunch of fat and sodium, and this new sandwich is no exception, weighing in with a whopping 36 grams of fat and 1,500 milligrams of sodium.
Positive: I’ve finally found a Hall of Fame whose membership is worth spending my life aspiring to.

Positive: I guess the sausage had some slight scent of smokiness to it.
Negative: That slight smoky scent didn’t really translate at all into the taste. (I just spent a half hour trying to formulate a joke about the minuscule smokiness of this sandwich, my roommate’s pack-a-week smoking habit, and smoking his sausage. I couldn’t get it to work, but dammit, B, if you stop smoking I’ll promise to stop making sex jokes about you in my reviews.)
Positive: Sausage means penis and that is funny.

Positive: The sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog (I happen to like hot dogs). As with your average hot dog, it was quite salty, and the casing had some snap to it.
Negative: As anyone who’s ever been to a ballgame knows, overpaying for a hot dog sucks, and this sandwich cost four dollars.

I know that last feedback sandwich was open-faced, so here’s a super positive closing paragraph to make up for it and boost Dunkin’ Donuts’ self-esteem. That was a good try, Double D! Just because I wouldn’t buy the Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich again doesn’t mean I won’t come visit all the time and taste whatever new items you have rolling out next. Hey, didn’t your IPO just go really well? If you’re still feeling down after this review, I’ve got great news: Starbucks has buy-one-get-one-free holiday drinks this weekend. How about a gingerbread latte, my treat?

(Nutrition Facts – 550 calories, 320 calories from fat, 36 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 245 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,510 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Dunkin Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog. The melted cheese kept everything in place pretty well. Sandwich stayed hot on my walk home. It might’ve been a bit more filling than an average DD breakfast sandwich. There’s a Wisconsin Meat Industry Hall of Fame. Using the sandwich method of feedback. Buy-one-get-one-free gingerbread lattes.
Cons: Sausage mostly just tasted like a hot dog. Smokehouse sausage wasn’t actually all that smoky. Half-links in an English muffin were awkwardly bulky. Tons of sodium and fat. $4 is too expensive for what would be considered a small hot dog. Judgmental baristas.

With fall in full swing and Halloween just around the corner, everyone has got pumpkins on their foods and on their minds. I’ve recently consumed pumpkin pies, pumpkin breads, pumpkin spice lattes, and pumpkin ice creams. I’ve decided what my favorite pumpkin microbrew is (Woodstock Inn Autumn Ale), who would be Pumpkin Spice in a Spice Girls reboot (Snooki), and whether or not I can pull off calling people “pumpkin” (I can’t).

Despite not knowing what a real pumpkin even actually taste like, I was starting to get pretty sick of eating pumpkin flavors, thinking about pumpkins, and typing the word pumpkin.

The most recent contributor to my pumpkin fatigue is the Eggo Pumpkin Spice Waffles. As part of the Eggo “Seasons” line, these waffles are supposed to contain the autumn flavors of pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger. I found them at Target on sale for $2.00 for a pack of 10.

When I opened the package, the fantastic aroma of the waffles hit me immediately. All the spices shined together and really captured what I imagine as the scent of autumn, or at least as the scent of autumn desserts. Throwing two waffles in the toaster was equivalent to lighting a flavored Yankee Candle in making my apartment smell delicious.

The waffles also tasted pretty appetizing, though not nearly as appetizing as they smelled. Cinnamon was the most noticeable spice, while the pumpkin flavor was fairly understated and left the waffles with slightly more sweetness and a touch of bitterness that regular Eggos don’t have.

If you generally have maple syrup with your waffles, these Pumpkin Spice Eggos are definitely not flavorful enough to allow you to forgo your usual sweetening. (Sidenote: I love the Target brand maple syrup. I love their syrup on pancakes, I love it on pizza. I take their syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?)

I wouldn’t say the Pumpkin Spice version is the best limited edition waffle that Eggo has ever released, but they tasted good, smelled wonderful, and came at a really great price. If you’re tired of eating pumpkin flavors, too, you should still think about buying a couple packs – considering the waffles are just 20 cents each, I plan to leave them around the apartment and never go to Yankee Candle again.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – 210 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Eggo Seasons Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Waffles
Price: $2.00
Size: 10 waffles
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Smelled fantastic. Tasted cinnamon-y and a bit sweeter than regular Eggos. Only $2 a box. Target brand maple syrup. Wedding Crasher quotes.
Cons: Didn’t taste as good as it smelled. Didn’t really taste all that different from a regular Eggo. Pumpkin fatigue. Not knowing what real pumpkins taste like. I don’t actually shop at Yankee Candle. But seriously, why are those Yankee Candles so expensive?

When I signed up to review Domino’s new Artisan Pizzas, I immediately began thinking of disparaging comments to make about their choosing to use the word artisan. “Domino’s employees are to artisans,” I imagined myself writing, “as the Noid is to a relevant cultural icon.” That’s not even the cleverest or pithiest analogy I had lined up, if you can believe that’s even possible.

I was so ready to do the whole snarky-blogger thing, but Domino’s has preempted any snark by actually embedding it into their ad campaign. The text on their new pizza boxes starts with, “We’re not artisans, we don’t wear black berets,” and their new TV ad vilifies some vaguely French chef who’s acting like a prima donna. By acknowledging the images associated with artisans and wink-winking at the ridiculousness of their artisanal aspirations, the folks at Domino’s have managed to take all the fun out of making fun of them. (Although it’s great we can all still make fun of the French – what is with those berets, amirite?)

While they could get out in front of my snarkiness, I knew they couldn’t stop me from criticizing their crappy pizzas, and I was intent on writing a blistering review. There was only one problem: these pizzas were actually pretty good.

Each pizza was rectangular and cut into eighths, with all the toppings reasonably well-distributed across the slices. Both pizzas had crusts that were thinner and crispier than usual Domino’s fare but still structurally sound enough to support the toppings.

The Spinach & Feta pizza had alfredo sauce, feta and parmesan-asiago cheeses, fresh baby spinach, and onions. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a significant amount of feta, as its sharp tanginess was the primary flavor of the pizza. In some places the cheese was spread almost from edge-to-edge, leaving the crusts quite tasty, as well. The spinach and onions were noticeable in their contributions to the texture of the pizza, but I wish there had been more of each topping, as both were mostly overwhelmed by the feta.

The Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had parmesan-asiago cheese, sliced Italian sausage, and red, green, and banana peppers. The sausage was nothing special; it had some sweetness but wasn’t particularly spicy. I imagine it was the same as can be found on any other Domino’s pizzas, but serving it in thicker slices rather than the usual crumbles seemed to hold in the flavor better. The green and red peppers added some mild crunch, but they were completely upstaged by the banana peppers. The banana peppers were the clear-cut stars of the Pepper Trio, much like Beyoncé to Destiny’s Child or Joe to the Jonas Brothers or somebody else that would make you look less poorly upon my musical tastes. I had never ordered a pizza with banana peppers before, but their strong vinegary, spicy presence on the Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio has convinced me to add banana peppers to the toppings rotation from now on. A generous dusting of oregano rounded out a pretty well-made pizza.

As far as other complaints go, the pizza was relatively pricey and fairly small compared to their regular offerings (they measure in at 13″ x 9″, so roughly the size of one of their medium pizzas for the price of a large). Still, I give these pizzas a thumbs-up, and they’re certainly better than Domino’s re-launched pizzas from last year. Domino’s, you guys are running some annoyingly self-aware ad campaigns, but as long as you keep up the tastiness of these Artisan Pizzas and the Francophobia in your commercials, I will make sure to keep my blogger snark in check.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/6th of a pizza – Spinach & Feta – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio – 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 330 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Other Domino’s Artisan Pizza reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Domino’s Artisan Pizza (Spinach & Feta and Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Price: $7.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Domino’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Spinach & Feta)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Pros: Crust was thinner and crispier than regular Domino’s pizzas. Spinach & Feta had significant amount of feta cheese spread from crust-to-crust. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had delicious banana peppers and thickly-sliced sausage. Vilifying French people. Referencing the Noid. Beyoncé’s having a baby!
Cons: Not enough spinach and onion to stand out against the feta. Green and red peppers were kind of useless. Pizzas were a bit expensive for the size. Domino’s pre-empting my snark. Spellcheck not recognizing snark as a word.