You know how when you feel shitty and you want to get yourself in the fetal position, put on something starring Ryan Gosling and cradle a carton of ice cream? That’s not me. In fact, I kind of find ice cream boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional soft serve vanilla (with rainbow sprinkles) or spumoni, but ice cream just normally doesn’t do it for me. To be honest if I am feeling a bit down, the idea of planting myself on the couch and eating ice cream sounds dreadful and suffocating.

However, like all things in life, the universe and everything…there is always an exception. How else to explain that Jesus Jones still has a recording contract? Two men who are probably the Antichrist (or at least Gozer and Vigo from Ghostbusters) are Ben and Jerry. You see I cannot help myself when it comes to their ice creams.

I have to say most of their flavors are consistently good. I have eaten their tried and beloved ones like Cherry Garcia to some oddball varieties like Late Night Snack. I cannot think of one I really disliked except Boston Cream Pie, but that’s totally my fault. I don’t like Boston cream pie but for some sadomasochistic reason I bought it.

It is an understatement to explain how ecstatic I was when I found Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake flavor. Where were you during the sullen holidays? It doesn’t matter. I grabbed one of the few remaining pints and ran to the checkout lane. I haven’t been this excited since I found out my wife may be deported.

Brushing off the frost that has collected, I smiled to no one in particular and let it sit out exactly twelve minutes. These scant minutes will allow the ice cream to have the perfect consistency where it should slightly give as the spoon cuts into it smoothly. When that buttery richness slowly goes down your throat, it is ninth level of bliss. The only thing I can compare this to is a longing kiss from someone you love who is NOT a mail order bride, the first sip of a cold and floral gin martini or looting that ubersword with 1,500,003 hit points in Diablo II. It is obvious that my expectation for Ben & Jerry’s are set very high.

I am happy to say that Pumpkin Cheesecake exceeds it enough where I want to eat the whole pint. Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream comes complete with swirls of graham crackers. Ben & Jerry, as usual do a great job of incorporating all of its ingredients. Each spoonful is a harmonious symphony of all its flavors to recreate the taste of eating a pumpkin cheesecake.

Immediately, the taste of slight cinnamon from the graham cracker crumbles makes its presence. The texture is so pleasant since the “crust” is actually a fine powder. This mixes very well with the rich cream. The graham crackers hit your taste buds hard but leave immediately like a shank to your back for not sharing your toilet bowl moonshine.

Here is what Ben & Jerry’s does so well. The cinnamon flavor quickly fades off into the rich and creamy taste of the pumpkin cheesecake. The flavors are so thoughtful. You taste the pumpkin pie before the recognizable taste of cheesecake takes over and finally sends you off to another spoonful. The ice cream itself is dense, creamy and buttery but I wouldn’t expect otherwise. It’s like a well-choreographed burlesque show, sure there’s boobies but you’re captivated by the music as well as the dance.

The ingredients, as always, are of high quality. The great thing about the cheesecake is it doesn’t have that off-putting cream cheese taste some cheesecakes are prone to have. That’s a sign of quality cheesecake and only emphasizes that this ice cream, while is sweet can also be a bit savory. You can just feel the pounds adding on that will later be filled with remorse as you weigh yourself. But wasn’t it worth it? Hell yes, sweat pants are cheap anyhow.

My only complaint is the pumpkin taste could be more intense. I felt that the cheesecake part sometimes would override the pumpkin depending on my spoonful but that is a minor quibble. Ben & Jerry are very good at balancing flavor with that seductive texture we all love about ice cream. This limited batch is no exception.

So on a shit day when everything goes wrong, would I find myself on the couch burying myself with ice cream and Ryan Gosling? No, unless you have Blue Valentine or Drive playing. However, I probably would still find myself clutching a glass of cognac while unfurling the West Elm or Pottery Barn catalogs to wind down, but Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream would come in at a close second.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 290 calories, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream reviews:
Crazy Food Dude
Rodzilla Reviews
Daily Macros
On Second Scoop
A Sweet Score

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream
Price: $3.59
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Publix Supermarket (the one where there’s a Publix liquor shop next to it so I can buy pork rinds and rum in one shopping trip.)
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Even the most petulant towards ice cream may smile at this one. It is buttery, creamy, dense and seductive. The texture is as good as the flavor. Jesus Jones was ahead of its time in the nineties, especially the Perverse album. The ice cream is exactly what you expect it to taste like, freakin’ Pumpkin Cheesecake! Ryan Gosling’s Drive (and I admit Crazy Stupid Love).
Cons: This is a limited Batch and being after the holidays, it may even more difficult to hunt down. The pumpkin flavor could be a bit stronger. Jesus Jones hasn’t aged well today but you cannot deny wanting to sing along to “International Bright Young Thing.” Ryan Gosling’s The Notebook, I laugh uncontrollably during the dementia scenes which makes me an asshole.

Pop-Tarts are just friggin’ weird. They resemble a tart as much as I look like actor Tom Cruise, or even pre/post-drug fiend Tom Sizemore. The pastry is exactly two ninety degree angles that form an exact rectangle scarier than the black monolith in Kubrick’s classic. Instead of being filled with stars, Dave, it is filled with jam, calories, carbohydrates and sodium. The frosting is shiny like nail polish and is harder than fondant. So yes, this is not health food but its shape does scream convenience.

You won’t find Pop-Tarts in a bakery. When you give them to a child, you can’t help but make the “sorry face.” All the cool kids have the Toaster Strudels but Pop-Tarts have persevered through all of it. These ubiquitous things have remained a part of our existence and I am sure when the Sun starts expanding in its death, the waters on Earth have dried up, all mammals have become pieces of tasty jerky, those Pop-Tarts are still going to survive. I know so.

And as weird as they are, like Tom Sizemore and his old drug habit, I have a strong compulsion to buy any new flavor of Pop-Tarts I see. I just have to. I don’t care if I get mostly disappointed when I eat them. I just need to have them now. It’s the same exact feeling I get when I buy supermarket sushi or when I watch German art films.

I habitually stop by the Pop-Tarts section when I go to down the cereal aisle. To my delight, I saw a box of Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts. With a title like that, I was expecting this to rival the KY Jelly Fire and Ice. I could blame The Impulsive Buy and say I bought these because I am obligated to review them. In truth, I would have bought them anyway because I just need to.

From gumdrops to Sunkist, I love all things orange flavored. The fact there is an orange pictured amongst the fruits pictured on the box will probably be the closest thing I will ever get to a marmalade Pop-Tart. To be specific, there is a strawberry and cherry pictured as well. I’m assuming this is the fruit fusion which doesn’t seem that wild but it’s Pop-Tarts we’re talking about here.

Amusing to me, the only fruits listed in the ingredients are cherries and apples. Even more fascinating are the instructions on how to toast your goodies. I’m not sure what it says about its target audience. They even have a diagram to emphasize how to toast these things. More depressing is what does this say about me? I had to toast another because I burned my first pastry.

I normally eat these untoasted but I will review these Pop-Tarts in both the raw and the cooked form.

Unsheathing the treat out of its silver wrapper, it was a bit comical to me how vibrant the colors of the frosting were. It looked like someone slathered mustard on it and then zig zagged ketchup (in true 1950’s kitsch) all over the tart. This thing could double as Jem’s truly outrageous maxi-pad.

In the simplest form, without toasting, the crust is dry as expected. The frosting is the same vague sweet flavor that can be found on all Pop-Tarts with that unnatural sugar shell. The bite is surprisingly a bit tart and not overly sweet. I like it because it is not an abundance of immediate sugar that will numb your tongue.

The jam itself has a strong cherry flavor but I’m not sure if it overwhelmed the orange and strawberry. Not really a surprise since they aren’t listed in the ingredients. I ended up taking a couple more bites and only the tart cherry jam shines through. That is kind of disappointing but the fact that this (let’s face it, these things are really big cookies) is not as sweet as the other flavors is a plus.

Toasted, it smells like baked sugar but not in a welcoming bakery way. It’s just baked sugar. I hate that smell which is why I never toast them, but I’m also lazy. Texture wise, the frosting adds a nice crispness and the jam is even more intense. The taste is improved but not enough for me to bother toasting these things. I’m making a “lazy face” here.

Let’s be honest and come to an agreement that nobody really craves these things. There are better ways to spend 200 calories and the sodium is high enough to offset my blood pressure meds. I can’t tell you how many unfinished boxes of Pop-Tarts I have chucked out. I liked this one despite the repulsive color frosting but will probably not finish the box.

I would still make the “sorry face” if I had to give one to my little niece or any other kids looking for a snack. Yet, I (in a non-committal way) would eat these again as I made the “yeah, I know” face. So yeah reader, I know.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of Saturated fat, 2 grams if Polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 170 mg of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than one gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Item: Kellogg’s Wildlicious Wild! Fruit Fusion Pop-Tarts
Price: $1.99
Size: 14.1 ounces/8 toaster pastries
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The tart sweetness is a nice change. Easy to hold. Tom Sizemore in Heat. Tom Cruise in Collateral (Michael Mann is the man). Making faces. If you love cherry, you cannot go wrong. Toasting it has a nice texture. 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Cons: No orange flavor. Easy to burn if you’re a dummy like me. Crust is dry but that’s to be expected. Wild frosting does nothing for the Pop-Tart. The color is a bit gross looking. Tom Sizemore in that sex video. Tom Cruise in MI:2. Loaded with sodium, unless you love sodium! 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

I outgrew a lot of things, shedding interests like Beat Takeshi dispatches bodies in his awesome Yakuza films. I outgrew “yo mama” jokes. I outgrew my obsession with INXS. I even outgrew prank calling Chinese people claiming I was a pizza delivery guy and someone better Goddamn pay me or else (sorry Yen Sun wherever you are). To be honest, *69 proved to be my Kryptonite and effectively stopped me from my misdemeanant hobby. But you know? I have never outgrown cereal.

Hopping off my glorious Vespa, I arrogantly parked my scoot right by the side of the automatic double glass doors. Walking past the scowls of employees and customers, I was in Target looking for two things: some plug-in air fresheners and Frosted Flakes. Even though I enjoy eating the occasional fancy lad food (shaved truffles may have lost some of its allure thanks to the nouveau riche infection but they sure are tasty), a simple bowl of cereal comforts me like none other.

I can eat a bowl for any meal or a late night snack. I love eating “mini-wheats” out of the box as if they were cookies. Is it the perfect comfort food? No, but it is close since cereal is so familiar and convenient. And if you’re a faithful reader of The Impulsive Buy, you can tell that we have more choices than ever for cereal.

My selection for cereal is shameless. As an adult man who favors blazers, I feel like I should really be ordering a proper drink (and I do! Chin, chin!!) regardless if I act like an adult at the end of the night. An adult man ordering a Jägerbomb is plain embarrassing. Don’t even get me started on the Red Bull and vodkatinis…I’d rather be caught drinking a can of Four Loko wearing a shiny shirt with a spiky fade.

Ah, but cereal! Lovely sexy cereal with milk and the silver spoon, I lurve you. I would be happy with a bowl of Lucky Charms as I would be with a bowl of fart inducing Weetabix topped with blueberries. I have no problem eating Froot Loops while watching something responsible where everyone speaks in English accents. My love affair with all things cereal is one of the few constants in my life.

You know suicide sodas? Mixing all the flavors from the dispensers to create an amalgam of sugary fizzy goodness? I’m like that with cereals. Like a chemist, I would mix some Corn Flakes with Alpha-Bits and some puffy Kix to top it off. So just when I thought I couldn’t top off my cereal porn anymore, I found a box of Kellogg’s Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran.

Raisin Brain is like your old standard, like Tony Bennett. It’s not something I want to listen to all the time but when I do, it’s pretty damn good. I like Raisin Bran but need to be in the mood for it. I engulfed a box of it when I recuperated from my car accident. I always thought it made my skim milk creamier and I loved the sweet chewiness from the slightly soggy raisins. So this version reminds me of the Michael Bublé take of Raisin Bran.

The box eschews any thoughts that this is your Grandfather’s Raisin Bran with “Cinnamon Almond” blazed on to the box with a yellow brown background. The famous “Two scoops!” tagline and the earnest looking sun holding exactly two scoops beckons you to open that box.

Upon ripping the cellophane bag, the waft of toasted wheat and sweet raisins welcomed me. There is a pleasant but very faint smell of baked cinnamon rolls that emanates way in the background but this is cereal not wine. The cereal had quite a few raisins sans “plump” but there were seldom any almonds in my bowl. I dumped the bowl back into the package. This time I shook up the box like I’d shake any convicted bastard in a shaken baby case to see how they like it and poured another. The result was the same, a good amount of raisins but the thin slivers of almonds were so few.

The almonds were supposedly toasted as well but I couldn’t taste it. Eating a few without milk confirmed my suspicions. The cinnamon is so faint that it basically whispers “Hey don’t forget about me.” Knowing that most people eat their cereal in milk, I went ahead and proceeded to dine like the normals do hoping that the cinnamon taste would be more prevalent.

The milk did indeed emphasize the slight cinnamon taste. In fact, I think the cinnamon was now whispering, “Here I am. See? Why didn’t you believe me? You have trust issues.” Definitely, the cinnamon smell was stronger than the taste. While it does state that the cinnamon is dusted but damn…I think there is more cinnamon flavor if I sucked on the box. Most of the cinnamon taste was in the milk left after you’ve eaten it all.

Regarding the line that breaches the crunchy/soggy measure, if it takes you more than a few minutes to eat a bowl you are either: eating too big of a bowl or you don’t like the cereal. I’ve never done formal tests but I’m assuming most people take a couple of minutes or so to eat cereal.

I went ahead and let the bran sit in milk for exactly 120 seconds and it stayed crunchy. The raisins rehydrated slightly which is good but plumpness is overly optimistic. Another plus? The good news is that if you like Raisin Bran you will not be disappointed because it tastes like Raisin Bran with some almonds your jerky younger brother threw in there to be funny. Now I like Raisin Bran but I really was hoping for a different spin on the cereal.

My love for cereal is still strong but I would not buy this again. I can only eat so much Raisin Bran and I can only listen to so much Rat Packy/Swing Jazz standards. Now please tell my wife to turn off the Michael Bublé. My ears are bleeding.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 1/4 cup (cereal only) – 200 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 260 milligrams of potassium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran
Price: $2.99
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Super Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like Raisin Bran. Stays crunchy and makes your milk slightly cinnamony. Prank phone calls. People scowling at you. Beat Takeshi’s films.
Cons: It tastes like Raisin Bran. The cinnamon taste is barely there. Few measly slivers of almonds. Taste wise, the only toasted thing were the flakes. Justifying prank calling by telling myself I’m only goofing on my own nationality so I won’t feel guilty…Damn you *69! Michael Bublé.

Back when I was in college I drank a lot of Fruitopia and Surge. Surge was Coca-Cola’s answer to Mountain Dew. They even aped the extreme sports campaign of Mountain Dew but no matter, I liked Surge and was impartial to the Mountain. In some stupid way I thought drinking Surge was cooler because it was not as popular as Mountain Dew at my university.

Yeah…I was one of those idiots who felt that if things got popular, they were no longer good. Screaming “sell out” while I had an ill-conceived mohawk and noshing on Asian shrimp flavored snacks. God, if I could go back in time I would kick myself in the ghoulies and then wipe the mud off my Cole Haan’s all over my 1995 version’s face.

“Grow the fuck up kid,” I would shout, grabbing myself by his/my ratty Stereolab t-shirt. Then I would drop me back on the ground and kick me 300-style down a pit. Like a cliché, I would raise my arms in victory to the opus of the Maximum Overdrive soundtrack, AC/DC’s “Who Made Who?”

Anyhow, as time went on I discovered martinis and manhattans. Surge eventually went the way of the Sega Dreamcast, pogs and Tamagotchis (which taught a generation to never have kids or pets because the damn thing was so needy). Around this time I noticed a soft drink with the ugliest logo ever called Mello Yello.

I remember that soda when I was a little kid. More importantly, I remembered the original 70’s logo with the cool bubble letters. It reminded me of the neon Doctor Who emblem with Peter Davison. I didn’t know what this strange font was all about but bought a can anyway because I have always wanted to try it. It was too sweet for my taste and I couldn’t get past that wacky lettering. I forgot it and whenever had a rare craving for a citrus soda, I took to Mountain Dew. It was convenient and readily available.

Recently, the House of Coke added Mello Yello to their successful Zero line. If you have tasted the regular Mello Yello but think it is way too sweet you will be in for a pleasant surprise with the Zero edition. I have tried all of the Zero line and personally, I mostly prefer them over the diet versions. First, they taste almost close to the regular versions. Second, the obvious artificial sweetness found in some of the diet ones are muted in the Zero editions.

I really dislike sodas that are amped up in the sweetness department and was concerned about my last encounter with Yello (the soda, not the band). However with the Zero brand, I had to try it and I think my 1995 counterpart would agree as well. The black can is punched up with the retro 70’s logo. “The original smooth” line purred on the can. It sounds more appropriate as a tagline for a Tarantino flick doesn’t it?

I love citrus soft drinks so if you do not, Mello Yello Zero won’t change your mind. Granted I can only drink about one of these every so often because too much of it kills me and I’m now a cola guy. The taste is sweet enough for my preference and not so sugary that it leaves a sticky film on your teeth. Wait, let my 1995 version tell you himself.

Jeff: “Drink this and tell them what you think!”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: “What? I’m drawing a comic book about goth superheroes… AND this stuff is neon yellow-green like a glow stick that all those ravers dance with, what is this bro? It’s weird looking.”

Jeff: “Shut up and drink it or I’ll rip up your damn Sandman comics autographed by Gaiman!”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: (sniffs the glass) “Okay, okay, smells of faint lemons but dude, this looks like the Toxic Avenger’s urine test, brah.”

Jeff: “Did I really talk like that? Would you freaking drink it already?”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: (takes a cautious sip) “You can taste some kind of citrus fruit and it isn’t overcome by any sweetness. It’s actually refreshing, and a lemon-lime flavor hits the back of your throat. It’s bereft of any syrupy unpleasant aftertaste.”

Jeff: “Bereft? Who says that???”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: “I will say that if someone like sodas on the sweeter side, this may be a bit too bland for their taste buds.”

Jeff: “Good point Jeff and it has to be consumed cold immediately because it doesn’t taste great at all as it heads toward room temperature. Now can you turn off that Prodigy CD? Damn you have bad taste in music too!”

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: “Look I drank it, leave me alone yo. This world doesn’t need more suits, what happened to you and your dreams of becoming an artist? Oooh, lookatme I’m too busy looking up laws and shit, I’m so important, lookatme…Big deal bozo!”

Jeff: “SHUT UP…And note in a year, when a woman buys you a New Monkees CD to impress you, she is hinting that she wants to date you. NOT talk about all thirteen episodes of the damned show you idiot!” (Kicks 1995 Jeff in the baklavas)

Jeff 1995 Counterpart: (Wriggles in pain and disappears in a flash back to the land of horrible Ace of Base singles)

So there you have it. If you like Diet Mountain Dew, I recommend you give Mello Yello Zero a pull. The soda doesn’t have a strong artificial sweetness that I find in other diet drinks. I also recommend you stay away from those Ace of Base singles…yeesh.

(Nutrition Facts – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mello Yello Zero
Price: $3.00 for a 12 pack case
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It is quite refreshing if cold. Not overly sweet. Time travelling to warn yourself of the upcoming pitfalls. Low in the sodium department. Varied enough to not taste like Diet Mountain Dew. New Monkees.
Cons: It is quite yucky if it starts to reach room temperature. The color will remind you of glow sticks. Time traveling may cause Butterfly effect (the theory, not the stupid film). May be too low in the sweet department for some. May be a miss for fans who like Diet Mountain Dew. Ace of Base.

“W” can mean a lot of things. It is the 23rd letter in the alphabet. It could be the line of luxury hotels owned by Starwood properties. It’s the name of the glossy fashionista magazine that nobody reads but it looks great on your coffee table. It also reminds me of a campaign used by a certain former President. Currently, it means a hamburger that promises each heady mouthful will be packed with the flavor of pickles.

Meet Wendy’s new and arrogantly named hamburger The “W.” Yep. It. Is. THE. “W!”

I have to admit the name commands attention. The “W” conjures up ideas that this burger is the beginning and end of all fast food hamburgers. The ornate packaging would have me believe The “W” is not merely a double meat patty with cheese between two pieces of bread. No, it is the sandwich that will bring about world peace, help you find the mysterious God particle (that’s Higgs Boson to you brainiacs) and hold promises of giving your partner multiple orgasms.

Like the hucksters of yesteryear offering a tonic for all that ails you, most things that promise too much are bound to disappoint. Anybody who has played Skyrim or seen this season of The Walking Dead knows what I am talking about.

The burger is eloquently wrapped in white paper to suggest that what you are actually carrying is a fine marbled rib eye freshly cut from the butcher. Underlining the importance of this sandwich and adding to the pomp, it is tucked in a folder shouting all kinds of things like “fresh!” and “quality!!”

That, however, is where the façade ends and what you have is the fast food equivalent of a Pandora’s Box. Comparable to the Big Mac, The “W” has two patties, special sauce, tomato, pickles, red onion and two slices of cheese. And trust me, the sauce is very special which I will get to in a minute.

The promotional pictures for The “W” appeared nothing like the actual burger. My sandwich consisted of two limp square beef patties bordering on a chic gray color scheme. There’s the obligatory cheese topped on each slate. A wilted leaf of iceberg, a depressing slice of tomato, some pickles and slivers of red onion complimented the disaster. Then the sauce was slathered sloppily on the bun, which was toasted but not buttery as Wendy’s promised. I could be wrong since freckle face was so heavy handed with the sauce.

Now about that sauce…the website states it’s the savory signature sauce with hints of tomato, pickle and red pepper. To hint is to suggest slightly, but for Wendy’s it means to grab you by the head, slam your face into the wet spot on the carpet, nose buried deep and then scream in your ear “BAD DOGGIE! BAD BAD BAD DOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!”

If the sauce is signature, it is not a graceful Hancock. It is a scrawled letter X signed by an incompetent psychopath who flings their own poop at the television when the theme song to “The Price is Right” comes on. The sauce is so briny and strong with pickles, it tastes like thousand island dressing amped up with mega-ultra-relish. It is also very vinegary which intensifies the brine and is off-putting. Honestly, drinking a douche would rival the tang of the sauce.

This did not help the cadaver-like meat or the drippy cheese or the lettuce which seemed like an afterthought. The toasted buns were soggy. It was like a victim of a circle jerk but the loser did not eat the bread. The only positive note was the red onion which added a nice sweet and spicy bite. However, you would be wise just to buy a red onion and eat it like an apple.

I am surprised by this evil offspring from hell because I normally like Wendy’s. I have fond memories of The Baconator. The website said “it is doubly amazing” and they list it as a premium hamburger. This sandwich is no more amazing in the single sense than it is twice. Forgetting to flush the toilet after a dinner of tripe sautéed in black bean sauce and reconstituted dried salted fish is more amazing.

Damn, emptying the contents of my used condom on to a hamburger would be more amazing! Wow, I’m really angry about this. When I eat at a fast food place, I’m not expecting meat at Luger levels but I’m also not expecting inmate cafeteria dreck.

I agree there are so many tasteless “potty jokes” in my review. Yes. But they taste much better than this burger. “Big flavor doesn’t have to mean big bucks”, touts the website. The flavor is indeed very big, but Wendy’s forgot to make the flavor good.

(Nutrition Facts – 580 calories, 290 calories from fat, 33 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fats, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,480 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and 32 grams of protein.)

Other Wendy’s The “W” reviews:
Grub Grade
Grub Gripe (video)
Foodette Reviews

Item: Wendy’s The “W”
Price: $2.99 (sandwich only)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: You can pick up a Frosty or a Baconator while there. The red onions add a good kick. Images of people flinging poop in top hats make me laugh. Toasted buns are a good idea. Freckles.
Cons: The beef, the cheese, the pickle, the tomato. The sauce is too briny. Saying things that are “double amazing” when you cannot even get to the “singular” amazing. Loser eats the bread. Speaking of bread, the nice texture of toasted buns are nullified when it becomes soggy due to too much sauce. Skyrim, like seriously what am I supposed to do next?

Three rules about Mexico.

1. Don’t mess with Danny Trejo, he will eff you up. What? He’s American? ..from California?

2. The Volcano taco’s rule. Huh? That’s not Mexican? You’re kidding me? Not even the red shell part? (hangs head in shame).

3. Coolest thing ever from Mexico: Menudo’s “Like a Cannonball” (Spanish Language version is the ONLY version). Seriously??? They are from Puerto Rico? Really? Aw man I just suck.

Everyone knows the other cardinal rule but please indulge me as I amend it: do not drink the water, but drink the Pepsi Kick.

This product answers the question, “What would happen if Pepsi and Fruit Punch Kool-Aid had unprotected sticky wet sex and made a chubby cute drooly baby?” Meet Pepsi Kick and this variation is one of the tastiest shades I have gulped down in a long time. Even better, no calories and it is sugar free.

Now I know you are asking yourself, “Why the hell did you review something that is only available in Mexico?” Ah hah! I truly suspect that this soda is available in many of our friendly Hispanic markets in the states (friendly as long as you don’t point and giggle at the funny names for products like I do). Further evidence you ask?

The bottle I acquired has cross promotion with the NFL, specifically I bought a bottle that have the Jets and one with the Giants packaging. My understanding is that all thirty-two teams are represented which would lead me to believe that these were intended for the American market as well. I could do without the Jacksonville Jaguars version but everyone’s a critic in this day and age. Suck it Jacksonville!!!

I came across Pepsi Kick during a pause from drinking gin martinis and eating fish roe on water crackers. You see, our cruise ship stopped off in Cozumel. The first thing I did, besides glaring at the people hawking gaudy touristy tee-shirts and glass bottles pressed like a Panini (who buys that crap?), was to run toward the convenience store.

Next to hanging out on the pool lounge where endless pina colada’s are hefted, Valhalla to me during a cruise are the foreign convenience stores I encounter when we dock. I could not wait to see all the foreign products.

My goal was to buy some Mexican-only Lays potato chip flavors and bottles of Mexican Coca-Cola’s which are sweeter and necessary in making a killer Cuba Libre cocktail. Yes, yes…I know the irony of using a Mexican product to make a Cuban cocktail and all the dislike of the two. Sue me. I lived the Chinese-Japanese-Korean triangle of hate, so I understand. My parents still haven’t forgiven me for having our rehearsal dinner at a sushi restaurant. Marrying a white person still irks them.

So what gives Pepsi this kick? And why am I asking myself all these questions in this written article? Because I am off my meds and like Richard Bachman, my twinner demands attention.

This Pepsi has three unique qualities. First, it is loaded with caffeine. Second, it contains disgusting ginseng root. My grandparents used to punish me when I was a child by making me chew on some ginseng. I can still taste it to this day, a dull bitterness that got worse with each bite. Gah! I would rather eat a meal “two girls, one cup” style (Dated joke? Perhaps).

Third, Pepsi’s logo is a bit different (as seen in the picture). I heard that Pepsi has been phasing out their logo, so perhaps this is the new one. I could be wrong, I’m a Coke guy (not the hedge fund manager kind).

Ginseng. Caffeine. Energy drink right? Thus the “kick” label. Notwithstanding the gross ginseng, thank goodness the Pepsi didn’t taste like the horrible root at all. The flavor was definitely all cola, but it had a nice clean fruit punch flavor after each sip. I loved it so much. Me loves you Pepsi Kick!!! Furthermore, the cola wasn’t so sweet and void of any syrupy wash left in my mouth or throat.

The bottle is labeled with “Despierta” which I believe means “Awake.” Not sure if it jazzed me up or made me want to lift a giant novelty Energizer battery like Jacko did in those commercials (look them up, when I was a child Jacko was the man until he guest starred on “Knight Rider”) but the taste won me over. (Wow, really dated joke.)

I’m not sure if a drink is refreshing if you’re not thirsty and what drink isn’t if you are? I will say this…Pepsi Kick is worth hunting for. Forage for them when you hit your neighborhood Hispanic market or when in Mexico, pick up one or twelfty. You will not be disappointed. I was wriggling in anxiety, scared that the customs agents wouldn’t let me carry the few bottles I bought back on the ship. I was able to smuggle them onboard and I hummed Glenn Frey’s “Smuggler’s Blues” in my head (another dated joke???).

Bottom line, buy it if you can find it and if you can find it, buy them all.

(Nutrition Facts – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 30 mg of sodium per 200 ml serving (bottle is 500 ml), less than 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams if sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein)

Item: Pepsi Kick
Price: $1.00 (don’t ask me how much is that in peso’s…I can barely add)
Size: 500 ml
Purchased at: At a no name Mexican convenience store in Cozumel
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The taste of a fruit punched cola that is balanced in sweetness. No calories or sugar which is rare for an energy drink. Menudo’s “Like A Cannonball” video. Hoping Jacksonville loses their team. Celebrity Cruise line. Indulgence.
Cons: May be difficult to find. Dated jokes. Two girls one cup video. Menudo the soup (ack!). My love/hate relationship with the Buffalo Bills. Cruise ship sushi. Ignorance.