THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 4/4/2009

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Oh! Here comes Easter candy without fail. Hoppin’ into carts cuz they’re on sale. Hippity, hoppity. Easter’s on its way. (via Candyblog)

Zico Pure Coconut Water. It’s got what plants crave! It’s got electrolytes! (via The Skinny Plate)

There’s an energy drink named American Dream, but it’s made in Europe. While that may not sound American at first, when those energy drinks immigrate to United States by boat, then they will totally be American. (via Taurine Rules)

I thought this was an April Fools’ Joke, since it was posted on April 1st, but it’s not. (via The Chocolate Review)

I’m going to start a new diet craze that will sweep the nation: The Kids Meal Diet. All you can eat are microwaveable kids meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner with healthy snacks in between. Kid Cuisine! Here I come! (via Heat Eat Review)

REVIEW: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers

Wheat Thins Artisan

If you don’t want friends, co-workers bothering you or don’t want to lose your virginity, I believe one of the easiest ways to make either of those things happen is to eat the Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers. They come in two flavors — Wisconsin Colby and Vermont White Cheddar — but it really doesn’t matter which one you choose because they both will make your mouth a noxious hole that some dentists wouldn’t even dare to explore.

I’m no sophisticated, snobby cheese connoisseur, so I can’t claim I’ve tried either the Wisconsin Colby or Vermont White Cheddar in their curdled block form and I also don’t know if these cheeses are as pungent as these crackers. All I really know about them is what’s printed on their respective boxes, which say Wisconsin Colby cheese is, “…known for its mild, gentle flavor and smooth texture,” and Vermont White Cheddar cheese is, “…famous for its high quality, creamy texture and just a hint of sharpness.”

Just to let you know, about 45 percent of my cheese consumption comes in the form of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese, 15 percent comes from Mexican/Taco Bell food, 10 percent comes from pizza, another 10 percent comes from other fast food, 5 percent comes from Cheez-Its, another 5 percent comes from Doritos, another 5 percent comes from Cheetos, and the last 5 percent of my cheese consumption comes from accidently drinking milk that expired three months earlier.

The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers don’t come in the same square shape as all the other Wheat Thins. Instead these cheesy crackers come in a shape familiar to beekeepers and those who play the board game The Settlers of Catan — a hexagon.

Both flavors were covered in a cheesy powder, which ended up on my fingers. I thought the flavors of both were weird when I first tried them, I guess because I thought they were a little strong, but a few crackers later I found myself enjoying them. The cheesy flavors were different than what I’m used to with the radioactive orange cheese snacks I usually consume, but these crackers were just as crunchy as my normal cheesy snacks. The Vermont White Cheddar had the stronger cheesy flavor and it was my favorite between the two. The Wisconsin Colby was tasty too, but I felt like it made my mouth stinkier.

The Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers seem to be marketed as fancier than their regular square counterparts, which makes me question my belief that putting slices of American cheese on top of regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds is fancy. If cheesy crackers that make your breath smell like you made out with a mousetrap is considered snazzy, then I’m going to need some strong minty chewing gum.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 or 230 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 or 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Nabisco Wheat Thins Artisan Cheese Crackers
Price: $3.00
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. No trans fat or high fructose corn syrup. Provides 5 grams of whole grain. Minty chewing gum. Putting American cheese on regular Wheat Thins and sticking them in the microwave for 20 seconds.
Cons: Cheesy flavor may taste weird at first. Some people may not care for the cheesy flavors. Cheesy powder will end up fingers. Will make your breath smell. Drinking expired milk. My cheese consumption. Making out with a mousetrap.

NEWS: New Kashi Island Vanilla Biscuit Cereal May Cause Kashi Fanboys and Fangirls To Drool All Over Themselves

I’m afraid to say anything bad about a Kashi product because I’m afraid of what the Kashi fanatics will do to me, so I’m not sure if I want to try the new Kashi Island Vanilla Biscuit Cereal. I’ve never met a Kashi fanboy or fangirl, so I don’t know if they’re like extreme Trekkies who would put the Vulcan Death Grip on me if I tell them Star Wars was better.

All I can go on are the typographical error-filled comments they leave on the Kashi website that say things like, “OMG Kasshi is awessome!!!” But those don’t tell me anything, except they love exclamation points. All I can truly assume about Kashi fanatics is that they have very clean colons since they probably eat a lot of Kashi-provided dietary fiber.

The USDA Organic-certified Kashi Island Vanilla Biscuit Cereal is another way Kashi fanatics can help clean their colons and get a full day’s serving of whole grains. Each wheat cereal biscuit is baked with finely ground organic vanilla beans, giving the cereal a natural sweetness.

A serving size of 27 biscuits contains 180 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 180 milligrams of potassium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 6 grams of protein.

NEWS: Mutant Berry Slurpee Sounds Significantly Less Bad Ass Than The Wolverine Movie It’s Promoting

Earlier this week, 7-Eleven introduced the Mutant Berry Slurpee to promote the release of the upcoming movie — X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Its flavor has been billed as Hawaiian Punch Berry Limeade Blast.

Along with the special Slurpee flavor, you can get 3D cups featuring either Wolverine, Sabretooth or Gambit, if you’re willing to pick up the largest Slurpee size and consume more sugar than any normal human should or you’re a mutant with the ability to turn the sugar you consumed into ice, fire or harmless butterflies.

The high fructose corn syrup sweetened beverage contains no caffeine and, despite its name, contains NO BERRIES. According to the ingredients list, it contains apples, pear passionfruit, pineapple and peach juices from concentrate, along with papaya and apricot purees.

An 8-ounce serving of Mutant Berry Slurpee contains 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. It will be available throughout the summer months.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

I’ve been trying to figure out who Burger King, with their BK Burger Shots, and Jack in the Box, with their new Mini Sirloin Burgers, are targeting with their smaller sandwiches.  I don’t think it’s the penny-pinching crowd since the cost, combined mass and nutritional value of the mini burgers are somewhat equivalent to a regular sized burger. After thinking about it for a time equivalent to the time it takes for one to come up with an idea, I came to the conclusion that these mini burgers are meant for babies and their psychotic mothers who want to live vicariously through their child’s successes.

In this day and age of baby pageants, the pressure is on for babies to be their cutsy-woosy-est.  You know what makes a baby cute? Baby fat. Babies with chiseled faces and sculpted abs are just plain creepy. The more fat your baby looks, the cuter they will be.  Chubby cheeks attract pinches from aunts, untranslatable baby babbling from adults and good marks from baby pageant judges.  Maintaining that baby fat is going to take more than anything Gerber can provide in purée form and that’s where these mini burgers come in handy.

The Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers consist of three mini burgers with sirloin patties topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun. Each burger is roughly 2.5 inches in diameter and 2.5 inches tall, thanks to the quality bun and the thick sirloin patty. Its size is just about right for the mouth and appetite of a baby. A BK Burger Shot is smaller and will fit into a baby’s mouth much better, but the Mini Sirloin Burger definitely looks much more appetizing.

The use of the sirloin patty was a good touch because it gave the burgers a nice slightly peppery taste and more calories, sodium and carbohydrates than the BK Burger Shots, which will help keep babies plump and cute, because a fat happy is a happy baby…that can steal the hearts of judges. The grilled onions in the burger were quite noticeable, which added a nice flavor to go along with the sirloin patty, cheese and ketchup, but will cause bad marks on scorecards if the baby’s bad onion breath isn’t taken care of before the competition.

Overall, I liked the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers and thought they were much better tasting than the BK Burger Shots. I think the use of sirloin patties made the difference. I also think they are a great way to ensure babies look their cutest for baby pageants. So if you’re a wrong-minded mother who wants to put their young son or daughter (but hopefully daughter, because there aren’t beauty pageants for boys) through a possibly psychologically damaging competition, the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers are all you need to keep your kid doughy cute.

And if you’re entering a daughter, winning baby pageants can lead to child pageants, then teen pageants, then beauty pageants and then years of therapy and/or a possible pictorial spread in Playboy for your child.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good tasting burgers. Will help keep babies fat and cute. Definitely better than the BK Burger Shots. Just fits into a baby’s mouth. Quality bun. High in protein. Thick sirloin patty. 3 grams of fiber. Winning baby pageants.
Cons: They maybe small in size, but all three burgers combined have a lot of calories, saturated fat, and sodium. Not cost efficient. Pack of three makes it hard to equally share with another person, unless you’re willing to fight over the third burger. Mothers who live vicariously through their children. Losing points for bad baby’ breath. Years of therapy.