NEWS: Tostitos’ New Artisan Recipes Tortilla Chips Sound Like They’re Inappropriate for Sports Watching

Lounge Setup

Read our review here

The new Tostitos Artisan Recipes Tortilla Chips don’t sound like an awesome chip to snack on while watching the Houston Texans completely collapse during the last moments of a game. Instead, its name sounds like they should be served on a platter at a book club meeting in someone’s living room, or at an orgy.

However, if it were named Tostitos Extreme Recipe Tortilla Chips, then I could see them being a great snack to nosh on while watching the Miami Heat be an underwhelming basketball team. Although, the chips are made from a nine grain blend, which makes them sound like they should be served in Oprah’s green room.

The Tostitos Artisan Recipes Tortilla Chips come in two flavors: Fire-Roasted Chipotle and Roasted Garlic and Black Bean. A one-ounce serving size has 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of protein and minuscule amounts of vitamins and minerals.

REVIEW: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal

Romano's Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal

Where was the Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal when I wanted to create the illusion that I had some culinary skills so I could impress a woman?

Instead, I had to plate a Stouffer’s lasagna in a way that made it look like it wasn’t a Stouffer’s lasagna.

I also had to make my kitchen look like I did some actual cooking in it by having a dish rack full of items I would use if I had made the lasagna, an empty lasagna noodle box in the trash, a slightly warm oven, a half used block of mozzarella cheese in the fridge and a few tomato sauce spots on my kitchen counter that I “missed” while cleaning up.

Heck, I had to buy a casserole dish so I could plop the Stouffer’s lasagna into it. On top of that, in an attempt to gain pity points, I cut myself with a knife on purpose to make it appear like I injured myself while cooking. Who knew pretending to make a lasagna would be as hard as making a lasagna?

But, sadly, all that effort didn’t even get me to first base with her. I might as well have taken her to Chuck E. Cheese, because it would’ve gotten the same result, but at least I would’ve had the opportunity to play in a pit of balls. Maybe I didn’t get to first base because she knew it was a Stouffer’s lasagna. Or maybe my yawn/stretch/wrap my arm around her technique was creepy because my hand accidentally landed on her boob.

Oh wait, I just realized I got to second base with her. YES! I can now add this to my sexual conquests diary.

While I never saw her again and never heard from her after leaving a message on her voice mail every day for a month, perhaps I can accidentally get to third base with next woman if I pretend to make the Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal from scratch.

Romano's Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal Prepared

The bagged meal is made up of grilled white meat chicken and spinach with farfalle pasta tossed in a creamy parmesan cheese and garlic sauce. What’s farfalle pasta? It’s one of my trump cards to impress her.

I’ll keep calling it farfalle pasta, until she asks me what it is. Then I’ll say, “Oh, silly me. I thought you knew what farfalle was, because you look like a sophisticated woman. We in the culinary world call it farfalle, but normal people call it bowtie pasta.”

Aw yeah, droppin’ knowledge equals droppin’ panties.

I’ve tried a number of frozen meals for two and almost all of them tend to have small servings, but this Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal makes two ample servings. Preparing it involves stirring the contents of the package in a non-stick skillet with 1/3 cup of milk.

The result is a creamy, tasty dish that makes me appear to have skills in the kitchen. The farfalle pasta came out perfect, the sauce had the right amount of garlic flavor and the spinach provided color to the dish and iron, but the chicken turned out a little dry.

The Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal turned out quite well, which gives me hope that, with my fraudulent culinary skills, I can impress the next woman who begrudgingly agrees to have dinner with me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package/340 grams (prepared) – 560 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1270 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 40 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 4% vitamin C, 45% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Romano’s Macaroni Grill Grilled Chicken Florentine Complete Frozen Meal
Price: $7.99
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty frozen meal. Ample servings. Creamy sauce. Pasta came out perfect. Getting a woman to have dinner with me. Easy to make. Getting to first, second or third base. Good source of calcium and vitamin A. Awesome source of protein.
Cons: Chicken turned out a little dry. Great source of sodium and saturated fat. Impressing women with fake culinary skills. Not getting a call back after leaving a voice mail message every day for a month.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 11/20/2010

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Hey! There are lightbulb-shaped paper clips. Now I can have an appropriately shaped clip where I can keep together my creative ideas. All I need now is a couch-shaped paper clip so that I can have an appropriately shaped clip to keep together my creative ideas that I will never start because I’m either too lazy or not motivated enough to follow through with them. (via Office Supply Geek)

Japan has an Adult KitKat. I’m surprised it doesn’t come with used schoolgirl panties. (via Jen Ken’s Kit Kat Blog

Popcorn that tastes like Rice Krispies Treats? If only they could figure out how to get wheat involved. It would create a top world crops trifecta, and give starving people in Africa another reason to dislike us. (via Foodette Reviews)

Doritos cheese crackers? Is there any flat, crunchy snack Doritos won’t turn radioactive orange? (via Munchies Blog)

There’s an energy drink that’s being marketed to soccer players, or for our international readers, an energy drink that’s being marketed to football players, or for those Americans who accidentally found themselves watching soccer on TV, an energy drink that helps them stay awake while watching soccer on TV. (via BevReview, Screaming Energy and Caffeine-A-Holic)

NEWS: Wrigley’s 5 Gum Line Continues To Reproduce Like Reality Shows That Star Unlikeable People

Update: Click here to read our Wrigley’s 5 Vortex Gum review

Wrigley’s 5 Gum is marketed to teens and since they were introduced a few years ago, the flavors available have grown at a rate equal to the number of Real Housewives shows. Because teen tastes change more often than Lady Gaga changes outfits during a concert, it’s easy to see why Wrigley’s continues to pump out new flavors of their gum that comes in cool black boxes.

Their soon-to-be latest will be the juicy green apple-flavored Wrigley’s 5 Vortex. It’s the second straight fruit-flavored gum for the Wrigley’s 5 Gum line. Vortex follows the watermelon-flavored Prism.

The sugar-free gum will come in the standard 15 piece packs.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate Smoothie

Jamba Juice Berried 'n Chocolate Smoothie

Berried ‘n’ Chocolate would’ve made a great name for a 1970’s television cop buddy show.

Chocolate would’ve been the smooth talking black police detective who doesn’t like to use violence and Berried would’ve been his clumsy (place ethnicity here) partner who used the catchphrase, “You just got Berried by the law,” every time they caught the criminal, although Chocolate did all the work.

Unfortunately, a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show was never made and allowed to run for two episodes before being cancelled, either because “You just got Berried by the law” got old really quick or the show ended up being a little racist. While there was never a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show, thanks to Jamba Juice, there’s a Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie.

Jamba Juice’s Berried ‘n Chocolate is a new addition to their Creamy Treats line of smoothies, which also consists of the worst smoothies for you on the Jamba Juice menu. One such smoothie is the Original-size Peanut Butter Moo’d, which contains 770 calories and 108 grams of sugar.

Moo, indeed.

A Berried ‘n Chocolate is created by using strawberries, Jamba’s Chocolate Moo’d base, semisweet chocolate chips, non-fat frozen yogurt, mixed berry juice, blueberries and ice. The mixture ends up having a grayish purple color, which maybe fine for a goth makeup kit, but probably isn’t the most appetizing on a food color wheel. The Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie also has a weird texture. Not only does it have seeds, but it’s also slightly chalky, which might be caused by the semisweet chocolate chips.

The smoothie tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop, which I’m not sure is a good thing. I’ve sucked on several dozen Tootsie Pops in my lifetime and have always considered the Tootsie Roll center as the best part of the lollipop. The fruity candy coating is something that’s in the way, which I’m pretty sure is the same thing Mr. Owl believed when he tried to determine how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Why else would he bite away the hard shell after only two licks and screw with the scientific method?

So, basically, the Berried ‘n Chocolate tastes like a Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 520 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 108 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 91 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 35% calcium, 80% vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate Smoothie
Price: $4.69
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop. Awesome source of vitamin C and protein. Uses real strawberries and blueberries. Use non-fat frozen yogurt. Catchphrases.
Cons: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of. Weird texture and grayish purple color. Same amount of calories as a Big Mac. Screwing with the scientific method. Awesome source of sugar. No cop buddy show called Berried ‘n’ Chocolate.