Happy First Anniversary!!! (Or Happy Blogiversary!!!)

One year ago today, the first ever review was posted here at the Impulsive Buy, which was for the almost drinkable Natural Citrus Listerine. Since then, the Impulsive Buy has posted 217 product reviews. However, 212 of them suck.

It’s been a fun and interesting year here at the Impulsive Buy. Over the past year, I’ve shown a video of me stripping, ate salads for a week, deep throated a banana, removed all the hair on my legs, ate vomit jelly beans, attempted to consume the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting, and outed Lucky the Leprechaun.

I’ve also tried some horrible products, like the overly-peppery Salt and Pepper Pringles, the Philly-disrespecting McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich, the puke-looking Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Ramen, the dog food-like Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal, the powerless and tasteless Kellogg’s Tiger Power Cereal, and the diarrhea cha-cha-cha inducing Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

But I guess I should be glad I didn’t eat these.

Good times. Good times.

I’d like to thank all of you who come by on a regular basis to read whatever crazy nonsense I write. I hope that I’ve entertained you, educated you, and saved you some money. I promise that I will continue to write nonsense, be your guinea pig, and shove things down my throat that I shouldn’t.

Now to celebrate the Impulsive Buy’s first anniversary, I’m going to take the rest of the week off and I’m going to hold the most kick ass prize drawing in Impulsive Buy history.

Okay, okay. I know I said that for the 100th review prize drawing, but this one will be even better.

Three lucky readers will each receive one mystery box containing various products the Impulsive Buy has reviewed over the past year. The contents of each box will vary. For example, one may have the diarrhea cha-cha-cha inducing Ruffles Light Potato Chips and another may not.

To enter the Impulsive Buy’s First Anniversary Prize Drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please make sure you fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, August 9, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, August 14, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and US Military APOs. (I apologize to the rest of the world, but shipping the mystery box to anywhere else would be REALLY expensive.)

The winners will be determined by using a big mixing bowl, three aluminum pie pans, a can of whipped cream, and slips of paper with the email of each entrant. All the entries will be placed into a big mixing bowl and canned whipped cream will be sprayed on top of the entries. The contents of the bowl will be mixed.

When the entries and whipped cream are mixed well enough, the mixture will be equally divided into the three aluminum pie pans. I will stick a candle into one of the whipped cream pies, light it, blow it out, and then remove the candle.

Then, with my hands behind my back, I will pull out an entry from each of the three whipped cream pies, using only my mouth. Those three entries I pull will be the three winners of the Impulsive Buy’s First Anniversary Prize Drawing.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how the woman or man of your dreams is waiting for you online. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you life insurance policy applications. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or your fiance boinking the nanny.

Gillette M3Power Nitro

Gillette M3Power Nitro

This Gillette M3Power Nitro razor is a very talented razor. It vibrates, gives a decent shave, and it danced circles around this other razor I have. Don’t believe me? Watch this video. (Quicktime required)

Oh yeah! You got served, beeyatch!

Oh wait! What am I saying? I got served too. The M3Power Nitro razor outdanced me. But then again, that’s really easy to do because of my limited dancing abilities.

Sorry, I don’t have a video of that dance-off, but even if I did, it would be too embarrassing to show. But if you want to use your imagination, just imagine some Asian guy doing the Roger Rabbit, Cabbage Patch, Running Man, Water Sprinkler, Chicken Dance, and a dance move that involves humping the floor.

Or just watch an old Vanilla Ice music video, because that’s how I learned to dance.

(Note to self: Must buy Darrin’s Dance Grooves video.)

Not only does the M3Power Nitro have dancing skills, it can also dance for a very long time. I’ve been shaving with it almost every day for three weeks, had several dance-offs with it, and the single AAA battery inside is still going strong.

With that kind of stamina, the ladies would love the M3Power Nitro. However, it maybe strong enough for the hair leg warmers of a tree-hugging hippie woman, but it’s made for a man.

When Impulsive Buy reader, Lane, sent me the Gillette M3Power Nitro, I didn’t think it would vibrate as violently as it did. It’s supposed to be gentle micro-pulses that stimulate hair up and away from the skin, but my cell phone vibrates a lot more gently.

At least it doesn’t vibrate as much as Robin Williams on a caffeine or cocaine binge.

Despite my thinking that the M3Power Nitro vibrates a little too violently for something that consists of sharp blades, it does provide a decent and comfortable shave, and I also think the vibrations made cutting through my facial hair easier. Although, I think it shaves just as well as my regular MACH3 Turbo razor.

Speaking of the MACH3 Turbo, I was able to use my MACH3 Turbo blade cartridges with the M3Power Nitro, which is handy information to know, because replacement MACH3 Turbo blades are cheaper than M3Power Nitro blades.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I thought the razor’s vibrations seemed to have helped with my shaving. So because of that, I thought about using the vibrations of the M3Power Nitro to make other things better.

First, I attached the M3Power Nitro to my toothbrush to see if the vibrations would make for a better brushing session.

Then I connected it to a plain ordinary razor to see if it could improve its ability to shave.

Finally, I connected the M3Power Nitro to my finger to see if it could turn my normal finger into a “happy finger,” that could give someone a pleasurable massage. (See picture on left)

Unfortunately, the M3Power Nitro wasn’t very good at making other things better. However, it’s still a great dancer, it gives decent shaves, and looking at the picture on the left, it looks like the M3Power Nitro is very good at another thing…spooning.

Item: Gillette M3Power Nitro
Purchase Price: FREE (given by Impulsive Buy reader Lane)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: It’s an awesome dancer. Gives a decent shave. Vibrations help cut through hair easier. AAA battery lasts for a while. Able to use MACH3 and MACH3 Turbo cartridges. Good at spooning.
Cons: I got served. My limited dancing ability. Vibrations seemed a little too violent for something with sharp blades. Its vibrations can’t make other things better.

Jack Black Beard Lube Conditioning Shave

Jack Black Beard Lube

With all the women’s products I’ve been reviewing (and the other woman’s products I’ve been “testing”), it seems like I’ve forgotten about products specifically made for men. So today’s review on Jack Black Beard Lube will remedy that.

For those who don’t know, I grow facial hair significantly faster than it takes for a new reality show to pop up on television. I usually shave everyday, but sometimes I like to have fun with my fast growing facial hair.

For example, I’ll grow my beard out for about four months, part my hair, put on a pair of glasses, throw on a sweater vest, pretend I’m a Fullbright scholar, eat nothing but bread for a week, and after that week is over, I’ll comb my beard to see how many crumbs and other things it has collected.

Or sometimes I like to grow my goatee REALLY long, gently stroke it, and say in an evil tone, “Soon the whole world will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.”

Like I said before, I usually shave everyday, and for the past three weeks I’ve been using the Jack Black Beard Lube. It’s a combination of pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, which is good because instead of three different containers for each product, you get one product that contains all three.

(Editor’s Note: No, it’s not Tenacious D’s Jack Black.)

The Jack Black Beard Lube isn’t like any other shaving cream or gel I’ve used. Perhaps the major difference is the fact that it doesn’t foam like regular shaving gels and creams.

The color of it is white, but it goes on clear, like you’re putting on a moisturizer or KY Jelly. This is handy if you want to be able to see where you’re shaving, but sucks when you want to use the foam to pretend you’re Santa Claus or Papa Smurf.

When I put the Jack Black Beard Lube on, there’s a slight tingling sensation on my face. This is caused by the eucalyptus and peppermint, which stimulates the skin. The eucalyptus can also attract slutty koalas.

It also contains Jojoba and Macadamia Nut Oil, which softens the beard, makes it easier to shave, and entices the slutty koalas to stroke your face.

But then again, they are slutty koalas so I guess they don’t need to be enticed to stroke anything.

Shaving with the Jack Black Beard Lube feels different than shaving with another gel or cream because of the lack of foam, but it did create a nice comfortable, lubricated shave. However, it didn’t give me the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication that I got with the Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream, which I reviewed at the beginning of the year.

However, despite not having the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication, the Jack Black Beard Lube did give me a better shave than the ones I’ve gotten from using my usual Edge shaving gel.

Buying six ounces of Jack Black Beard Lube will set you back $15.00, but if you want a close shave and want to attract slutty koalas this maybe the right product for you.

Item: Jack Black Beard Lube Conditioning Shave
Purchase Price: $15.00 (6 ounces)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Comfortable, close shave. It’s a pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, all-in-one. No foaming means you can see what you’re shaving. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.
Cons: Pricey. No foaming means no Papa Smurf. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.

McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich

McDonald's Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich

I don’t know about you, but when I buy “premium” products, I act like a rich, snobby, irritating son of a bitch that deserves to either be run over by a car or tied up and forced to listen to a continuous loop of David Hasselhoff albums with a gun pointed to my head that’s triggered by the words, “Please stop.”

I guess I act this way because “premium” products tend to be more expensive than regular versions of the product. For example, there’s premium gas, premium ice cream, premium cable channels, and premium mail order bride catalogs.

Whenever I pick up something like premium ice cream, I’ll look around, find someone who picked up regular ice cream, stare at them, and say to myself, “I’ve got premium ice cream, beeyatch! What do you have? Regular ice cream? Ha! I laugh at your regular ice cream. Ha! I laugh again. What? You can’t afford premium ice cream like I can? Yeah, by the way you dress, it looks like you can’t afford premium ice cream.”

See, I’m such as asshole when I pick up premium products.

Recently, McDonald’s introduced a line of premium chicken sandwiches. There are three varieties of chicken sandwiches to choose from: the Premium Chicken Classic, the Premium Chicken Ranch BLT, and the Premium Chicken Club. Also, all three sandwiches are available with either crispy or grilled chicken.

During my most recent visit to McDonald’s, I picked up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich. I decided to pick up the grilled version because it was slightly healthier than the crispy version. Along with the chicken, the sandwich consists of a toasted bakery roll with green lettuce, mayonnaise, a slice of fresh tomato, hickory smoked bacon, topped with Swiss cheese.

After picking it up, I sat down and immediately scanned the room to see what everyone else was eating and I noticed a woman eating a Big Mac.

Then I stared at her and said to myself, “Oh my goodness, a Big Mac? That’s so 1980s. Hey, you want a Culture Club record to go with that Big Mac? Couldn’t you afford the extra dollar to pick up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich like I have? I guess you have to save that dollar so that you can buy a pair of pants from Goodwill or the Salvation Army.”

After scanning the restaurant again and ridiculing a couple of kids with Happy Meals, I began eating my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich.

The first thing I noticed about the sandwich was the green lettuce. It was actually green! I guess I was so used to seeing the whitish lettuce that comes with the poor folks Big Mac. But then I realized that I should be getting green lettuce, after all, it is a “premium” sandwich for “premium” consumers, like myself.

When I took my first bite, it tasted kind of bland, but the reason why it tasted bland was because that first bite didn’t include all the parts of the sandwich. When I took my second bite, which included the chicken, mayo, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and swiss cheese, it tasted much better, but it didn’t impress me.

Actually, I would’ve preferred eating a poor folks Big Mac than the rich folks Premium Grilled Chicken Sandwich.

Another problem I had with the Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich was trying to prevent the chicken from sliding around in between the buns. On a couple of occasions the bite I took didn’t have any chicken in it because it slid away from my mouth. I basically had to choke the chicken to keep it in place.

So what did I learn from my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich experience?

I learned that adding the word “premium” to fast food, is like adding the word “fresh” to poop. It doesn’t make it any better.

Item: McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.19 (sandwich only)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes not bad if you can get a bite that includes all the parts of the sandwich. Healthier than crispy version. Green lettuce.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Slippery chicken. My attitude when I pick up “premium” products.

REVIEW: Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer

Jergens Natural Glow

Here at the Impulsive Buy, I don’t review a lot of women’s products because I either lack the proper equipment, don’t know what shade would look good on me, I’m afraid of the words “cardboard applicator,” or I’m scared that I might find out I’m pregnant.

However, when a reader asked if I could review the Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer, I felt that this was one women’s product I could try.

What makes this moisturizer different from others is that it’s supposed to create a healthy, summer glow by just moisturizing daily. Now this scared me because I’ve heard the horror stories of sunless tanning lotions turning people orange and I didn’t want to relive the embarrassment of that time I went on a carrot diet for a week.

While doing internet research on the product, I found that the Jergens Natural Glow was a hard product to find, because it’s been so popular. However, when I went to the juggernaut superstore behemoth, they had a lot in stock. So I thought maybe it wasn’t as popular as people on the internets said it was.

Then I stepped outside of the store and realized perhaps the reason why there’s a lot of stock is because I live on a tropical rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that gets sunshine ninety percent of the time.

The Jergens Natural Glow comes in two version, one for fair (ghostly pale) skin tones and one for medium (just pale) skin tones. Being that I sit indoors in front of a computer all day, but occasionally go outside in the sun because I run on solar energy, I picked up the Jergens Natural Glow for medium skin tones.

On the tube it says that after a week of daily use the intensity of color will be reached. So for the past week, I’ve been putting it on in the morning and I’ve also been putting it on at night after I take a shower. I also decided to only put it on one leg because I thought the difference wouldn’t be too noticeable.

Well after a week of use, I’m walking around with one leg that’s darker and better looking than the other. The differences between my two legs are pretty dramatic. Take a look at the picture below. (Click picture for larger view.)

Jergens Natural Glow 2

The leg on the left looks like one I would wanna ask out, while the leg on the right looks like one that got beaten with an ugly stick.

The leg on the left looks like it could become prom queen, while the leg on the right looks like it needs an old-fashioned stoning.

The leg on the left looks like it would be fun to cuddle with, while the leg on the right looks like one I would pick last for dodgeball.

The leg on the left looks like one I would want to take home to meet my parents, while the leg on the right looks like one I would want to keep locked up in the basement.

Finally, the leg on the left looks like moonwalking, jheri curl Michael Jackson, while the leg on the right looks like child-molesting, too much plastic surgery Michael Jackson.

Item: Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer
Purchase Price: $6.16
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tans skin evenly and effectively. Easy to apply. Pleasant smell. No orange color. The leg on the left.
Cons: No sun protection. The leg on the right.