REVIEW: Pepsi Max Cease Fire

Pepsi Max Cease Fire

Ever since Pepsi Max was introduced in the United States a few years ago, it’s been my main source of caffeine, since it’s a zero calorie soda that provides me with 115 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. I’ve consumed a lot of it, so much so that if Pepsi Max was an illegal drug, I would’ve overdosed a long time ago; if it was a prostitute, I would have a burning sensation whenever I pee; and if it was regular Pepsi, I would have diabetes.

Pepsi Max Cease Fire is Pepsi Max with a hint of lime flavor and it’s the first variation of the high-caffeine diet soda in the United States. While the bottle says it has a hint of lime, it turned out to be more than just a smidgen.

It had an uncomfortable amount of lime that masked the cola flavor and made me briefly wonder if I diluted it with water in a bucket and used the solution to mop, could bring some luster to my tile floors? But just like seeing Jason Segal’s penis over and over again in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I somewhat got used to it.

The zero calorie, lime-flavored soda gets its name because of its claim to soothe the burn from spicy foods. Unfortunately, when I first opened the bottle I didn’t have any spicy foods in the apartment. So instead, I licked my arm several times because many women have said I’m mui caliente. But that didn’t work. Then I quickly remembered, as I pulled my arm hair off of my tongue, that those women didn’t say I was mui caliente, they said I was mui peludo.

So in order to test Pepsi’s claim, I had to walk to the convenience store down the street, while avoiding the temptation to visit the 24-hour massage parlor along the way, and pick up a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. After building a decent burn from eating half of a 3.25 ounce bag, I took a swig of the Pepsi Max Cease Fire and swished it around in my mouth. While the soda was in my mouth, it did soothe the burn a little, but then again wouldn’t most cool beverages that aren’t hard liquor. After I swallowed, the burn slowly crept back to a point that was only slightly less than what I started at.

So basically Pepsi Max Cease Fire, when it comes to soothing the burn from spicy food, is as effective as trying to put out the Burning Man fire by having one guy with a full bladder pee on it. It’ll help a little, but it won’t come close to putting it out.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepsi Max Cease Fire
Price: $1.25
Size: 2 liters
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Zero calories. A good amount of caffeine. 24-hour massage parlors. Regular Pepsi Max. Being mui peludo in the winter.
Cons: Uncomfortable amount of lime flavor. Off-putting aftertaste. Doesn’t do a good job of soothing the burn from spicy food. Being mui peludo in the summer.

REVIEW: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles does the opposite of what the cafeteria workers at my old elementary school did with lasagna. Instead of chopping vegetables, like carrots and celery, into tiny pieces in order to trick us into eating veggies, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna has decent-sized chunks of vegetables dumped right on top. They let me know I’m getting vegetables whether I like it or not.

I’m no longer the chubby fourth grader who avoided vegetables anyway I could. I’m now the chubby college graduate who eats vegetables because my doctor told me to or else I’m going to die. So I don’t mind this veggie lasagna having a heaping pile of vegetables on top, which consists of carrots, onions, red bell peppers, red onions and kale.

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna is one of two products, the other being their Sweet & Sour Chik’n meal, that the company has introduced to dip their toes in the vast pond of microwaveable frozen meals. If you’ve seen how immense the microwaveable frozen meal aisle is, you know their toes will get pulled under and lost somewhere within the Lean Cuisine Sea or Healthy Choice Ocean.

Like a multistoried Banana Republic, this veggie lasagna has something different on each level. The ground floor has a zesty marinara sauce mixed with an Italian sausage-like veggie crumble, the next floor up contains an unnaturally bright white ricotta cheese, the top floor has the previously mentioned vegetables mixed with more marinara sauce and everything is roofed with mozzarella cheese.

I had high expectations for the MorningStar Farms Lasagna because I enjoy many of MorningStar Farms products. But I should’ve had the same expectations anyone should have when meeting someone in person from their local Craigslist — low, ready to dump at a moment’s notice or be prepared to spray with pepper. The noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked, the vegetables added a crunchy texture, and the zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Also, the Italian sausage-like veggie crumble wasn’t noticeable in the lasagna. I was hoping for a spicier flavor, but instead got something that wasn’t very Italian, like Jersey Shore’s Snooki and JWoww.

Overall, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles was disappointing and if I have to recommend a frozen microwaveable lasagna entree that uses fake meat, I’d suggest the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna…if you can find it somewhere in the middle of Banquet Bay or the Gulf of Hungry-Man.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 entree – 270 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 650 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 25% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles
Price: $5.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Veggies added crunch. Wide variety of veggies. Better for you than microwaveable lasagna entrees that use real meat. Somewhat filling. High in protein. Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna.
Cons: Expensive. Bland. Disappointing. Zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked. Sausage style crumble didn’t have flavor. Ricotta cheese was unusually bright white. Jersey Shore.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 3/6/2010

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Wanna see a picture that will haunt your dreams or remind you of the monster in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer TV special? (via Candyblog)

Is it just me or does the ExtendBar Peanut Delight Bar sound like something to be eaten for male enhancement? (via I Ate A Pie)

AMP Energy now has an energy orange juice. But when I’m 65 years old, will they have energy prune juice? (via ED Junkie)

If I bought two bottles of Curiosity Cola would they make me bi-curious? What if I added a goat? (via Soda Giant)

Corn nuts covered in chocolate sounds like a winner. But then again, I’m not very good at selecting winners, since I picked the Colts to win the Super Bowl and I have the Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience as my pick to win the Oscar for Best Picture. (via Candygurus)

REVIEW: Pringles Multigrain Truly Original

I’m trying to figure out why Pringles would come out with a multigrain version of their product. Maybe it’s because they feel like they’ve done all they could with dried potato flakes.

Or maybe they want to jump on the multigrain bandwagon before Lays Stax does.

Or maybe it’s because they want to get more peoples’ hands stuck in their cans.

Or maybe since I walk around my apartment half naked and with the window shades wide open, the folks at Pringles saw my curvaceous-in-all-the-wrong-places body eating a can of their product through a telescope fashioned from empty Pringles cans and thought I could use a little more grains in my life.

Whatever their reasoning, I’m glad they did.

The Pringles Multigrain Truly Original crisps looks like the possible result of a booty call between a can of Pringles and a bag of Tostitos, so not only are they multigrain, they’re also multisnackial. They’re shaped like Pringles, but have the visual texture of tortilla chips.

According to the packaging, the multigrain crisps consist of rice flour, corn flour, wheat starch, wheat bran, and of course, dried potatoes. While they are multigrain, they aren’t significantly healthier than original Pringles, providing only 10 less calories, one less gram of fat and 10 less milligrams of sodium per one ounce serving. Well, at least they don’t cause possible anal leakage like Fat Free Pringles do.

Like the egos of those who cry after their singing ability gets berated by Simon Cowell, these multigrain crisps are fragile. Both cans I purchased contained mostly broken crisps and I feel like I have to handle them with care or else feel the wrath of Julius Pringles and his evil handlebar mustache. They taste like a combination of original Sun Chips and Pringles, but they don’t have a very strong flavor. They taste more like a cracker than a potato chip.

Even though its flavor could’ve been a little more robust, it doesn’t provide any whole grains and it doesn’t have much nutritional superiority over regular Pringles, for some reason I enjoyed the Pringles Multigrain Truly Original crisps. Maybe it’s because these multigrain crisps aren’t just another attempt to make Pringles look like the Jelly Belly of the crunchy snack world by coming up with other flavors that taste like other types of food. Or maybe it helps me get one step closer to achieving my goal of getting my hand stuck in every Pringles can variety.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce (approx. 16 crisps) – 140 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% vitamin C and 2% iron.)

Item: Pringles Multigrain Truly Original
Price: $1.49
Size: 6.34 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent snack. Tastes like a combination of Sun Chips and Pringles. Multisnackial. Snack booty calls. Does not cause anal leakage.
Cons: Flavor could’ve been a little stronger. Not much better nutritionally than regular Pringles. Crisps are fragile. A shitty source of vitamin C and iron. Getting your hand stuck in the Pringles can. Handlebar mustaches. Having curves in all the wrong places.

REVIEW: Burger King Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish

The combination of cilantro and lime sounds like one that we would find either on the menu at a fine dining establishment or in the recipe book that comes with a Magic Bullet blender. But it’s not something I would expect to see on a fast food menu board that also contains Crown-Shaped Chicken Tenders and funnel cake sticks.

Actually, let me take back that last sentence because if there’s any fast food company who has the balls to introduce the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish, it would be Burger King, or BK if you’re lazy, or McDonalds’ Bitch if you’re nasty. Only a company that could invent chicken fries could create this fish sandwich.

For those of you who have never had a BK Big Fish, it takes everything a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish has, except the cheese and annoying singing fish commercials that make you want to punch your computer monitor, and makes it bigger. But if you’ve seen the minuscule Filet-O-Fish, you know making a larger variation of it is an extremely easy task. Between the buns of the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish, the usual tartar sauce is replaced with a cilantro lime sauce that looks equally as disturbing as the tartar sauce. While the sauce is made with two green colored ingredients, the sauce isn’t green at all, just like most of the lettuce in the sandwich.

The flavor of the sauce in the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish almost goes beyond my threshold of what I consider tasty. The cilantro is noticeable, but thankfully isn’t too heavy. However, if the cilantro was kicked up a slight notch, it would probably be more than what I can tolerate. As for the lime flavor, it’s as subdued as the cilantro and does for this sauce what it has done for Corona Beer, which is make something shitty taste a little bit better.

Yes, I did enjoy this sandwich. The fish filet had a crunchy exterior and a soft interior; its bun was of higher quality than the Filet-O-Fish’s; and the sauce had the right balance of cilantro and citrus. I’d probably eat it again if I’m in the mood for something that doesn’t come from a cow or chicken, and if I want to consume trans fats and enough sodium to make my blood pressure as high as the final score of any past NBA All-Star Game.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 630 calories, 31 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1570 milligrams of sodium, 65 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish
Price: $5.49 (small combo)
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Interesting, tasty sauce. High in protein. High quality bun, when compared to other fast food fish sandwiches. Fish filet had a crunchy exterior with a soft interior. Sauce doesn’t come in a disturbing green color. The Magic Bullet.
Cons: It’s a regional item so it’s not available everywhere. If you hate cilantro, you will curse this sandwich. Contains trans fat and over 1500 milligrams of sodium. Most of the lettuce in the sandwich isn’t green. McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish commercials.