Before I announce the winners, I have to say that I couldn’t come up with a creative way to pick the winners. In previous years, I’ve used condoms, whipped cream pies, and my naked body to pick winning entries, but this prize drawing was pretty uneventful and not very messy. So if you have a creative way for me to pick the winners for the next prize drawing, which is coming very soon, please let me know in the comments.
As for this prize drawing, the names of entrants were thrown into brown paper bag, which was shaken, and then I pulled out the winners. (I know. That was so lame.) So without further ado, here are the four winners of the Fourth Anniversary TIB Prize Drawing:
Each winner will receive a Mystery Box filled with products that The Impulsive Buy has reviewed over the years. Maybe they’ll be some Pop-Tarts or maybe they’ll be some weird Japanese products, who knows because it’s a mystery.
I’m calling the Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps the Pop-Tarts nano because they look like a skinnier and smaller version of an unfrosted Kellogg’s Pop-Tart, much like the iPod nano is a skinnier and smaller version of the iPod classic. Actually, the Newtons Fruit Crisps and the iPod nano are the same size at 3.5 inches long and 1.5 inches wide. However, unlike the iPod nano which comes in a pride flag of colors, the Newtons Fruit Crisps only come in two flavors: Mixed Berry and Apple Cinnamon.
Unlike Pop-Tarts, which need to be toasted in order to be crispy, these Fruit Crisps were crunchy crumbalistic right out of the box, although perhaps a little too crumbalistic, which makes using a plate necessary, unless you’re fond of creatures that enjoy eating stuff off of the floor, like cockroaches, rats and a drunk David Hasselhoff. The filling inside each crisp is made with real fruit in a puree form, but despite the use of real fruit, the flavors weren’t very strong in either of them. I don’t know if that was because of the somewhat low amount of sugar in each bar or because the outer shell has the ability to weaken taste, like kryptonite does to Superman or Sanrio products does to my machismo.
Both flavors were decent. The Apple Cinnamon one had a flavor similar to what I imagine a diet apple pie tastes like, while the mixed berry, which contained blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, and blackberry puree, tasted like a certain Pop-Tarts flavor that I couldn’t put my finger on, but will probably remember months from now when I’m in the shower and these Fruit Crisps are discontinued.
According to the box, each pack of the Newtons Fruit Crisps has 100 calories, which is the magic number many snack companies have been using to promote appropriate portion sizes and calorie control. It’s also a number I tend to ignore because as someone in peak physical shape and has a metabolism that would make an 18-year-old cry, I can burn 100 calories by brushing my teeth or typing one of the many run-on sentences I have a habit of creating.
Nah! Who am I kidding? The only thing I can do in my “peak physical shape” is change the channel and then take a nap. I wonder how many calories changing a channel takes?
(Nutrition Facts - 1 package - Apple Cinnamon - 100 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 20 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 15% calcium, and 4% iron. Mixed Berry - 100 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 20 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 15% calcium, and 4% iron.)
Item: Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps Price: $3.50 each Size: 8 pack Purchased at: Star Market Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Decent taste. Crunchy without the need for a toaster. 100 calories per pack. No trans or saturated fat. Made with real fruit, although in puree form. Watching David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger on the floor. My poor physical shape. Cons: Small in size. Flavors seemed muted. Sanrio products. Need a plate to eat them. Eating an iPod nano. Watching David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger on the floor.
The Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste combines three things I’m scared of when it comes to products to review — it’s from a Southeastern Asian country (Thailand), it’s herbal, and it looks like something that might come out of an asshole. Not surprisingly, the most disturbing out of the three for me is the fact it looks like shit, and believe me I know what shit looks like because I’ve seen the 2 Girls 1 Cup video enough that I could make the calmest reaction video ever.
Fortunately for me, the packaging came in Thai and English so I could read what I was getting myself into, but not even the English language could help ease my trepidation about the product. I’m used to toothpaste with sodium fluoride, foaming agents, and the American Dental Association Seal of Acceptance, but not toothpaste made from over ten natural herbs, sorbitol, and flavour. The packaging doesn’t even list the natural herbs, except for streblus asper and clove, which makes me wonder if this product is a true Thai toothpaste or a tourist tricking toothpaste?
Speaking of its ten natural herbs, the Twin Lotus Herbal Toothpaste gets its dark shit-like color from them, but according to the packaging those herbs also have an oral hygienic kick.
(Editor’s Note: The following quote from the package has not been altered for grammatical correctness.)
With over 10 natural herbal ingredients keeps gums and teeth healthy firmly. It relieves sensitive teeth and decreases cigarette, tea and coffee stains, eliminates bad breath, keeps breath fresh and clean.
Its scent reminded me of the Sea Breeze astringent I used to suck up the oil from my face in the late 1980s. The scent also reminded me of the alcoholic burn from the Sea Breeze astringent, which had the same rousing abilities as smelling salt. When I first brushed with the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste, I could only stand it for 15 seconds before having to spit it out because it tasted like what I imagine the sole of a boot that has walked on a herbal farm tastes like. However, the more I brushed with it, the more I got used to it and now I can go the whole three minutes of brushing without gagging.
The foam made by the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste was disturbingly tan in color. Also, my mouth still felt gritty after rinsing the first time, so I had to rinse a second time to ensure that I wouldn’t cause any unusual sensations if I had to French kiss or salad toss someone.
Now that I’m used to its flavor, the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste is something I would use to brush during odd times, like after lunch, but it isn’t something I would use for brushing in the morning or before I go to bed because I love fluoride to protect my teeth. However, I’m quickly running out of it because I’m having too much fun using it to make small piles of fake dog poop.
(Editor’s Note: I would like to curse thank TIB reader LaneO for providing me with the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste to review. Also, below is a commercial for the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste. Come to your own conclusions about it.)
Item: Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste Price: FREE Size: 200 grams Purchased at: Given by reader LaneO Rating: 2 out of 10 Pros: Made from more than ten genuine natural herbs. English translation. Natural oral care. Makes awesome fake dog poop. Not being bothered by 2 Girls 1 Cup. Cons: Looks like shit. Tastes like making out with Joan Rivers after a clove cigarette. Looks like shit. No fluoride. Looks like shit. Leaves a gritty feeling in my mouth. Looks like shit. Smells like Sea Breeze astringent. Looks like shit. Takes some time to get used to its taste.
Take a trip with me through some of this week’s reviews from other blogs because, admit it, you’re a little bored now that the Olympics are over.
I had an ex-girlfriend who liked the scent of the seasonal Pumpkin Spice Bath and Body Works body wash, but it was hard to find. I wanted to do something nice for her, so tracked some down on eBay and she later broke up with me. Candy Blog’s review of the Pumpkin Spice Kisses brought back memories of her. Thanks Cybele…I’m going to go cry in a corner now.
In order for me to have any desire to eat an Ore-Ida Twice Baked Potato, I’m probably going to have to be twice baked myself.
I’m disappointed that this wasn’t an autobiographical film.
I guess I should pimp my new blog, The Impulsive Download, which provides quasi-reviews of iPhone/iPod Touch applications. The first review? A $30 dictionary app that finally puts something thick into my pants.
The new Trident Xtra Care gum is like Viagra for teeth because it makes them hard and able to handle daily pounding if taken at least three hours in advance. I’ve been chewing it for the past few weeks, so I think my teeth are nice and hard. Whatever comes my way, I’m going to pound them hard. I’m going to pound them in the front with my incisors, then I’m going to pound them in the back with my molars, then I’m going to pound them on the side with my canines, and then we’re going to do it all over again until I’m through.
The Viagra-like substance in it that makes teeth hard is a patented ingredient called Recaldent, a unique form of calcium, that’s absorbed right into the tooth, strengthening areas attacked by plaque acids, helping replace minerals in weakened tooth enamel, and ensuring your teeth can withstand an all-day, all-night pounding session. The downside of Recaldent is that it’s derived from milk, so if you’re allergic to milk (not lactose intolerant) and chew on this gum, I suggest you get to a hospital soon after.
According to the Trident website, their Xtra Care gum has been clinically proven to rebuild, protect, and strengthen teeth. So this gum basically has the ability to turn your teeth into the regenerative Claire Bennet from Heroes, except not as hot (Wait…She’s 18, right? She is? Good.) and pictures of them won’t end up on The Superficial with witty comments.
Since I’m not a scientist, dentist or passed any of my college science classes with anything greater than a C, there’s no way I could ever truly find out if Recaldent has the ability to strengthen teeth. I’m just a jackass with a computer and an ability to sometimes type better than a monkey, so I’ll just have to take their word for it. Although I could try to test my teeth strength by catching a bullet with them or biting the Orbit gum girl who says I have a dirty mouth.
Trident Xtra Care gum comes in two flavors: Peppermint and Cool Mint. They’re both minty, but not pound-the-mouth-minty-fresh, like most minty gums I prefer to chew, which give me a cooling sensation that feels like I’m sucking on a huge piece of cocktail ice. When I first put the Xtra Care gum in my mouth, it seemed softer than most others I’ve had, but as time went on it ended up like all the others and got a little hard, so I had to take it out of my mouth. Because of its mild minty flavor, it’s a gum I wouldn’t reach for if I wanted fresh breath, but again its main draw isn’t its flavor, it is its ability to help maintain healthy teeth, which I hope it does because I’m going to go brush my teeth with sugar and rinse it out with a chocolate milkshake.
(Nutrition Facts - 1 piece - less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 15 minutes of hard pounding.)
Item: Trident Xtra Care Price: $1.49 Size: 14 pieces Purchased at: 7-Eleven Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Sugarless. Low calorie. Fat free. Recaldent has been clinically proven to rebuild, protect, and strengthen teeth, making it the Viagra for teeth. Brushing teeth with sugar. Rinsing sugar with a chocolate milkshake. Being able to handle all-day, all-night pounding from the front, back, and side. Hayden Panettiere. Cons: Not powerfully minty, like most gum. Comes in only two flavors. Can’t really determine if it’s doing any good, unless you go to the dentist. Can’t be consumed by those who are allergic to milk. I sometimes type better than a monkey. Season 2 of Heroes.
Somewhere in the heavens, Jack LaLanne is laughing at us and yelling “I told you so, motherfuckers! I told you juicing is a great way for you to get your vegetables, bitches!” It turns out that the old man was right and if I had a time machine, I would go back in time to purchase a Jack LaLanne Juice Tiger in three easy installments of $29.95 plus shipping and handling and receive a set of Ginsu Knives absolutely free if I order it within the next 20 minutes.
Oh wait. I’ve just been told that Jack LaLanne is still alive thanks to juicing and that he will probably live longer than I will and when I’m dead, he will dance on my grave.
I may not have a Juice Tiger, but I probably have the second best thing — the Ito En Veggie Shot. Developed in the same country that gave us one billion episodes of Dragonball and game shows that are one billion times more entertaining than American ones, the Japanese drink shoehorns TWENTY vegetables and three fruits into one beverage, which bests the eight vegetables in a V8 Vegetable Drink and the seven to ten vegetables MTV sticks into each Real World house.
The clusterfuck of veggies and fruits in the Ito En Veggie Shot include: apples, lemons, white grapes, carrots, spinach, sweet potato, red bell peppers, green beans, celery, lettuce, broccoli, kale, pumpkin, green bell peppers, asparagus, napa cabbage, komatsuna, ashitaba, parsley, watercress, cabbage, radish, and Japanese honewort. It doesn’t specifically say on the bottle, but I’m pretty sure an 8-ounce cup of this blended farmer’s market provides a serving of vegetables.
With two and half times more vegetables than a V8 Vegetable Juice, I was expecting the Ito En Veggie Shot to taste like a rabbit’s wet dream, but it has a surprisingly fruity flavor, like the V8 Fusion drinks, thanks to the three fruits also included with the veggies. When the beverage first hit my tongue, it tasted like apple juice and after that it was more of a sweet vegetable taste, slightly similar to the Odwalla Superfood green sludge.
With twenty vegetables, you might think that the Ito En Veggie Shot is healthier and provides more vitamins than a V8 Vegetable Juice, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. The Japanese drink has less sodium than a regular V8, but the V8 has less calories, more potassium, less carbs, less sugar, more fiber, more protein, more vitamins, and mixes well with vodka in a Bloody Mary. However, even the V8’s healthiness isn’t enough for me to choose it over the Ito En Veggie Shot’s taste.
(Nutrition Facts - 8 ounces - 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 400 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 2% Calcium, and 100 milligrams of Japanese ingenuity.)
Item: Ito En Veggie Shot Price: $2.99 Size: 30.4 ounces Purchased at: Nijiya Market Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: Surprisingly good. Contains 100% juice and twenty different vegetables and three fruits. Better tasting than V8 because it has a fruity flavor. Easy to drink. It initially tastes like apple juice. No added sugar or salt. Jack LaLanne is still alive. Japanese game shows. Getting Ginsu Knives for free. Cons: Not as healthy and full of vitamins as V8. Not sure if some of the vegetables make a difference, like parsley. Might be hard to find if you don’t have a Asian grocer near you. Jack LaLanne will live longer than me. The billions of Dragonball episodes.
First off, if you’re reading this review in the morning, I apologize for the rude awakening the picture above of the new Jack in the Box Pita Snacks has given you. If you’re reading this review in the evening, I would like to say I’m sorry for the nightmares the photo on top are about to give you. I know the picture above looks as scary as a photo of the Doodlebops. Oh crap! If you just clicked that link for pictures of the Doodlebops, I apologize for the possible nightmare orgy of Pita Snacks and brightly dressed children’s television show characters, which could eventually lead to a rainbow orgy in your mind of Yo Gabba Gabba!, Doodlebops, and Teletubbies.
If you love chomping down on animals, the Jack in the Box pretty much has most of your meats covered with their Pita Snacks, offering it in chicken (center), beef (right), and fish (left). The chicken one comes with either the deliciously unhealthy crispy chicken or the slightly less daring grilled chicken, the beef version consists of strips of marinated sirloin steak, while the fish one has a breaded fish fillet. All Pita Snacks also feature shredded cheddar cheese, shredded lettuce, and a chipotle sauce wrapped in a pita made with whole grain.
I was pleasantly surprised by the Jack in the Box Pita Snacks in size and taste. Despite have the word “Snack” in its name, they were remarkably well-sized. I was afraid its size was going to be disappointing like the KFC Snacker or a male Asian porn star, but they were as big as a Taco Bell Chalupa, except with less farting.
I tried the grilled chicken, sirloin, and fish versions in one sitting and pretty much enjoyed them all, thanks to the chipotle sauce, which gave the Pita Snacks a nice heat and flavor, but didn’t overwhelming the meat in them. Without the sauce, each Pita Snack would be the equivalent of a telenovela without the steamy love triangle and excessive face slaps. The grilled chicken and sirloin were tender and the breaded fish had a nice crunchy coating, although that crunch coating probably caused the fish version to be unhealthier than the other two.
The iceberg lettuce didn’t add much to the pita package, which really wasn’t surprising since iceberg lettuce has never made a significant contribution to any dish. As for the cheddar cheese, it also didn’t add anything to the Pita Snacks, but its radioactive orange color might make it easier for your subconscious mind to stick the Jack in the Box Pita Snacks into your nightmare orgy of fuzzy children’s television characters.
(Nutrition Facts - 1 pita snack - Fish - 380 calories, 19 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 170 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein. Grilled Chicken - 310 calories, 13 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 210 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, Sirloin Steak - 350 calories, 16 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 19 grams of protein.)
Item: Jack in the Box Pita Snacks Price: $2.99 ($1.99 in most other places) Purchased at: Jack in the Box Rating: 8 out of 10 (Grilled chicken) Rating: 8 out of 10 (Sirloin steak) Rating: 6 out of 10 (Fish) Pros: Chipotle sauce was tasty and spicy, but not too spicy. Pita made with whole grain, but what isn’t made out of whole grain nowadays. Bigger than I thought they would be. Tender grilled chicken and sirloin. Less farting than a Taco Bell Chalupa. Reasonably priced at $1.99. Cons: Eating three in one sitting. Use of iceberg lettuce. Messy to eat. Fish had 2 grams of trans fat and was the unhealthiest of the three. Lettuce and cheese didn’t add much. A rainbow orgy of fuzzy children’s television characters haunting your dreams. Having to pay $2.99 for each, instead of the more reasonably priced $1.99.
(Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure they’re not called “Ninja Snacks,” but because there’s a frickin’ ninja on the packaging I’m calling them that.)
I’m not sure what ninjas like to snack on, but I can only assume it’s the blood and souls of their victims…and possibly Doritos, because the pointy chips are not only awesomely cheesy, they can also kill. Actually, ninjas could probably turn any food into a weapon, whether it be whole carrots, a half-eaten Twinkie, bananas, cooked spaghetti noodles, a Swanson fried chicken TV dinner, a stale roll from a soup kitchen, broccoli, scraps from a school cafeteria, whatever supermodels throw up, and these Tohato Ninja Snacks.
But do ninjas even need snacks? Aren’t they satisfied with the snaps of necks or the smacks they lay across an enemy’s face?
If ninjas do decide to use the Tohato Ninja Snacks as a food instead of a weapon, I’m not sure it would be wise to take them on a mission for several reasons. First off, they have a crunch to them, although it was a pretty unsatisfying crunch, like soggy popcorn, but a crunch nonetheless, which would affect any ninja’s stealth abilities no matter how slow they chew. A ninja without the capacity to not be seen or heard is like Tyra Banks without the capacity to not be seen or heard, both will bring certain doom.
Another reason why the Tohato Ninja Snacks wouldn’t be good for a ninja on an assignment is because they will make their fingers greasy. How is a ninja suppose to scale walls or hang out in a ceiling’s cranny or accurately throw shurikens with greasy fingers?
I’m not too sure what the Ninja Snacks are supposed to be shaped like, either ninjas, grappling hooks, or if you look at the two Ninja Snacks by themselves on the packaging, breakdancers. What I do know is that they taste like Fritos with a buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. It actually wasn’t too bad, but ninjas need something that won’t make them say, “Blech! My mouth tastes like I licked the floor at a showing of Pineapple Express.” Because doing so will get them killed.
Item: Tohato Ninja Snacks Price: FREE Purchased at: Given by TIB reader Fury Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Tastes like Fritos. Can be used as a weapon by a ninja. Not being able to hear Tyra Banks. Being a ninja. Cons: Buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. Might be difficult to find. Makes fingers greasy. Unsatisfying crunch. Not good for ninjas on missions. Hearing Tyra Banks. Being killed by a ninja with supermodel barf.
Coffee superpower Starbucks has made a significant impact in the world. For some, it’s hard to imagine a world without Starbucks, so for those people I’ll use my imagination to give them an idea of it would be like. Without Starbucks, people wouldn’t spend days of their lives waiting in line for something called a Frappuccino; the term “Starbucks Run” wouldn’t exist, except in Battlestar Galactica; Borders and Barnes & Noble book stores would have more room for books; and we wouldn’t have mediocre iced coffee drinks from fast food restaurants that want to hitch onto the Starbucks coffee train, like the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee.
Flavored iced coffee was created for people who say they love coffee, but put so much cream and/or sugar in it that it turns the coffee into something that’s culinarily considered a dessert. I expected Jack in the Box to eventually come out with their own take on iced coffee, since both McDonald’s and Burger King each introduced an iced coffee within the past year.
It’s like these three fast food establishments are playing a game with consumers called Fat Fuck that involves one of them introducing a product and the others coming up with a variation of it, hoping that patrons will try all of them and choose the better one, which in turn causes the consumer to eat fast food more than they should, turning them into a fat fuck. It’s like the opposite of The Biggest Loser.
The Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee, made from a blend of French roast coffee, had probably the least amount of caramel flavor legally possible before you can’t call it “caramel,” because I could hardly taste it. That lack of flavor made the beverage significantly more bitter than sweet, so it tasted pretty much like a normal iced coffee, which is another flavor Jack in the Box offers, along with vanilla. I tried the caramel one at two different Jack in the Box locations and both of them had an extremely light caramel flavor. Perhaps the only item that stands out about the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee is its inexpensive price, which makes Starbucks look like Neiman Marcus.
(Nutrition Facts - 16 ounces - 90 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 250 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and one more fast food chain trying to hitch onto the Starbucks train.)
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Molly for suggesting to subject my taste buds to this mediocre iced coffee.)
Item: Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee Price: $2.19 ($1.69 at most other JITB) Size: 16 ounces Purchased at: Jack in the Box Rating: 4 out of 10 Pros: Inexpensive. Low fat. It’s cold. Ice cubes. 90 calories for 16 ounces. It comes in a cup. Putting it on my nipples will give me a wonderful sensation. Cons: Extremely light caramel flavor. Not for those who like their iced coffee to be more sweet than bitter. The efforts of fast food companies to hitch a ride on the Starbucks train. Playing Fat Fuck. The word Frappuccino.
I’ll get straight to the point with this letter. Please stop making new menu items, because I believe Death by Jack in the Box is no way to go. Your big white head that speaks telepathically might say that I have the option to choose between eating and not eating your food, but from a quasi-product review blog editor’s prospective, that’s not an option, because just like flies to shit, the lure of an intriguing new product will always direct me to your drive-thru, such is the case with your Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger.
Please give your R&D people a break. I thought there were only so many things one could do with burgers, but your hard working R&D people have proven me wrong time and time again. They’ve put so many things in between buns that they probably would make the kinkiest gay German porn star blush.
With the influx of new Jack in the Box products recently, like the Hearty Breakfast Bowl, Cheesy Macaroni Bites, and Pita Snacks, it makes me wonder if your R&D department is a perpetual pregnant woman and their vagina has been stretched out so much that new ideas just fall out of them whenever they stand up.
I’m not sure how they conceive your products, and I really don’t want to see an awkward video of the fast food birds and the bees, but I’m kind of glad they gave birth to the very tasty Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, which is made up of a beef patty topped with a cheddar cheese sauce and sliced jalapenos in between a bun.
The jalapenos gave the burger a nice heat, but not enough to think I might have contracted a burning sensation from a drunken starlet. The cheddar cheese sauce added nicely to the burger’s flavor and was as gooey and as radioactive in color as I would expect. Perhaps the only real negative about the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger was its size, which I thought was kind of small, but then I remembered that I paid a reasonable buck and a half for one.
With that kind of ringing endorsement of the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, you would think I would want more new products to try, but my body can only take so much and I think it’s nearing its limit of Jack in the Box food. So Jack, please cut back. I don’t want a heart attack.
Sincerely yours,
Marvo
(Nutrition Facts - 1 burger - Nutrition facts not available on website or I just couldn’t find them.)
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jason for recommending the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger. If anyone else wants to recommend something, please make sure it’s a salad or something that won’t give me high blood pressure.)
Item: Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger Price: $1.49 ($1.29 everywhere else) Purchased at: Jack in the Box Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: Very tasty. Jalapenos gave it a good kick, but not too much of a kick. Reasonably priced. Cons: Kind of small, so it probably won’t make a good lunch by itself. My attraction to new products that are probably bad for me. I couldn’t find nutritional information. Death by Jack in the Box.
When Post introduced the new Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, I realized I no longer had a use for Sally (not her actual name, because I can’t pronounce her real name), the 8-year-old illegal immigrant Chinese girl I paid $1 a month to separate the bunches from my Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Believe me it was worth the dollar to separate the flakes and the bunches in the cereal, because the bunches are the best part — they have all the flavor.
Some of you might be appalled by my blatant ignoring of child labor laws, but I will tell you that I treated Sally much better than she would have been treated in China. Not only did I pay her a dollar a month, I also let her eat all the Honey Bunches of Oats flakes she could eat, since I wasn’t eating them, but she had to provide her own milk, because I’m not a cow. I also taught her English by making her work in front of a television throughout the day. So far, she can say pretty well, “Survey says…” and “Come on down! You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right!”
When I showed Sally the box of Just Bunches! cereal and told her she was free to leave, she smiled and said, “cao ni zuzong shiba dai wonang fei” which at the time I thought it meant “thank you very much” in Chinese, but later found out that it really means, “Go fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation, loser.”
The Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal looks like I took a granola bar out of a hippie’s hands and beat them with it, causing the bar to break down into small pieces. The box it comes in is Grape Nuts-ish, which means it’s significantly smaller than most other cereal boxes because the cereal doesn’t take up much space, just like brains in the skulls of all contestants who are hoping to find love through a reality show. Because the bunches take up less space, I’m unable to determine what’s a good serving size without hauling out measuring cups. According to the box, there are eight 2/3 cup servings per box, but it took me four normal-to-me-sized bowls to eat all of it.
The cereal has a sticky, sweet smell and its caramel taste seemed very artificial, but neither of those were the most disturbing attributes of the Caramel Just Bunches! cereal. What was unsettling was its unnatural crunchiness after sitting in milk for ten minutes; its ability to turn skim milk brownish, a little thicker, and gross; and the use of a fucking exclamation point in its name. It’s a cereal, not a fucking energy drink.
As you can tell, I didn’t really care for the Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, but there’s also a version with honey roasted bunches, just like the ones I paid Sally pick out, so maybe those will be better, but if not, I need to go find Sally and give her a 25 cent raise to encourage her to come back.
(Nutrition Facts - 2/3 cup - 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 135 milligrams of potassium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 25 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and one less illegal immigrant.)
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jessica for recommending the Just Bunches! cereal. She now owes me protection from child labor laws.)
Item: Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! Price: $3.00 (on sale) Size: 17 ounces Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 3 out of 10 Pros: Stays crunchy in milk. Vitamins and minerals. Monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fat. 4 grams of fiber. Paying someone a dollar per month to separate the bunches and the flakes in Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Learning English through game shows. Cons: Very artificial caramel flavor. Sticky, sweet smell. Turns milk gross. Enough in box for only four manly-sized bowls. Unnecessary use of an exclamation point in its name. Ignoring child labor laws.
Vanilla is a synonym for boring and boring can best describe how I feel about the Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts. I guess vanilla had to be the next natural progression for Pop-Tarts flavors since the Pop-Tartologists at Kellogg’s have pretty much squeezed out every single chocolate flavor from the cow’s udder of toaster pastry imagination.
The Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts pretty much taste like processed sugar, so it doesn’t come close to tasting like a creamy vanilla milkshake. At best, it probably also tastes like shitty vanilla cake frosting. I imagine if you take another flavor of Pop-Tarts and extracted all of its natural and artificial flavoring, you’d probably end up with something similar to the boring, bland Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tart.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love processed sugar as much as the next guy who probably has enough of cavities to turn the pupils in the eyes of a dentist into dollar signs, but if I wanted to savor processed sugar, I’d rather do it in a normal way with a baby pig balancing on a beach ball, while I try to suck the granules off of the pig’s back with two Crazy Straws and I’m chasing the pig with a blindfolded monkey on a tricycle who is pulling my ass which is in a Radio Flyer Big Red Classic Wagon with only three wheels.
The Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts have multi-colored sprinkles on top, which pretty much are there to add some color and nothing else. They also have bone strengthening calcium in them, which they’re so excited about that they had to mention it on the front of the box. Each pastry has ten percent of your daily recommended allowance of calcium. Oooh, ten percent!!! I’m so excited that I added THREE exclamation points at the end of the last sarcastic sentence.
Sadly, that ten percent doesn’t seem like much and it is possibly the same amount one can get in a bukkake scene. Shit. I get twice the amount of calcium by eating two small L’il Critters Calcium Gummy Bears, which by the way, taste much better than these Pop-Tarts.
Yeah, I get my calcium from gummy bears. I also get my Omega-3 fats from gummy fish. You laugh now, but when I’m taking over the world with my indestructible bones and huge brain, you’ll be scarfing down gummy animals too.
(Nutrition Facts - 1 pastry - 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 10% Iron, 10% Niacin, 10% Thiamin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Calcium, 10% Riboflavin, 8% Folic Acid, and 1 big yawn.)
Item: Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts Price: $2.50 (on sale) Size: 8 pastries Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 3 out of 10 Pros: Vitamins and minerals. Getting vitamins and minerals from gummy animals. Savoring processed sugar in a normal way. No trans fat. A world where I rule with my indestructible bones and huge brain. Cons: Doesn’t taste like a vanilla milkshake. Tastes like processed sugar. Only ten percent of the daily recommended allowance of calcium. Kellogg’s is running out of ideas for Pop-Tarts.
By itself, the smell and taste of mayonnaise is kind of disgusting, but when placed in between two slices of bread with cold cuts, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes or mixed with potatoes, spices, hard-boiled eggs, and mustard, it tastes pretty good. This Jekyll and Hyde condiment also has a reputation for being a bitch when it comes to healthiness, turning normal healthy sandwiches into tasty pockets for saturated fat. It’s hard to believe something so innocently, virgin off-white, could be a sinfully, slutty evil.
Mayonnaise makers have tried their best to create slightly more wholesome versions of this spreadable cream, but their attempts have pretty much ended up with bland tasting paste that would be better off being used for a mayonnaise bikini than for a sandwich or salad. Enter the Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
Nutritionists have told us for years that olive oil is one healthy mofo, providing healthier fats that contain one too many prefixes, like polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. The folks at Best Foods have shoehorned Bertolli’s Extra Virgin Olive Oil into their mayonnaise to go along with the usual soybean oil, eggs, and vinegar. Those ingredients will emulsify into a mayonnaise that has three times less saturated fat and almost half the calories of regular Best Foods Mayonnaise. However, it also has one-third more sodium than the original, but overall it’s healthier thanks to the multi-prefixed fats mentioned earlier.
Messing with a sandwich staple seems sacrilegious, because if you change one thing, it seems to change everything else. The Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil smells like regular mayonnaise, but I have to say its flavor kind of threw off my taste buds after I spooned some in my mouth. The olive oil doesn’t overpower it, but there’s just enough to know that there is some in it and there was also a very slight bitter aftertaste to it. After getting the taste of mayonnaise out of my mouth, I realized that most sane people wouldn’t eat mayonnaise with a spoon and I needed to try it in a real world situation, so I slathered a generous glob of it in a turkey sandwich.
With olive oil mayonnaise oozing from under the bread, I consumed the sandwich and determined that it had sort of a muted mayonnaise taste with a hint of olive oil. If you’re trying to eat healthier, it’s indubitably a much better option than any light mayonnaise, but it definitely wasn’t as good as the regular version, making the Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil a lot less of a sinfully, slutty evil.
(Nutrition Facts - 1 tbsp - 50 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, less than 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of protein, 1 mayonnaise bikini.)
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Alexander for recommending this product and making me his lab rat.)
Item: Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil Price: $6.19 Size: 30 ounces Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: A lot less of a sinfully, slutty evil. Much better tasting than light mayonnaise. Lower in fat than regular mayonnaise. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Creamy. Like most mayonnaise, it makes a good mayonnaise bikini. Cons: Muted mayonnaise taste. Hint of olive oil may turn people off. Higher in sodium than regular mayonnaise. Slight bitter aftertaste to it. I paid six dollars for a jar of it. Eating mayonnaise with a spoon straight from the bottle.
I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m in my shower I have to be completely naked, because just like I believe a bed is meant for sleeping and sex, a shower is meant for nudity. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, whether it’s showering, cleaning the shower, or butchering the Cyndi Lauper song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” just as bad as Miley Cyrus, I have to be naked within my shower’s three walls and shower curtain. Because I’m buck naked when I’m wiping down my “cleansing cubicle” I don’t like the cleaner I use to consist of stuff that may melt off my junk or makes me smell like a high school janitor who took a bath in Pine-Sol. Fortunately, I found a bathroom cleaner that I can get all hippie naked with — the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner.
There are several elements I like about my new shower partner. It’s non-toxic, biodegradable, and environmentally friendly, but perhaps its best attribute is the fact that it’s bottled in an actual 1-liter soda bottle that someone once drank out of. It’s cool to think that there is a possibility that I littered a park with this bottle, someone picked it up, and Terracycle then used it to bottle their cleaning products. I guess something good can come from littering.
Of course, all of this eco-friendliness would be meaningless if the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner couldn’t get my bathroom clean, but I gave my entire bathroom a good spray and wipe with this and I have to say that it did as well as any other product I’ve used. It easily cleaned the gunk in between the shower tiles, wiped away the crap on my sink fixtures, got rid of the stuff in the sink basin, and it made the shit on my mirror disappear, but it didn’t do well with troublesome hard water stains.
If you’re going to use the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner, don’t expect your bathroom to smell like potpourri, a florist, or “lemon fresh” after spraying it all over your bathroom. There are no fragrances or dyes in it, which technically makes this cleaner au naturel, like me when I’m in the shower or when I’m walking around my apartment. Its scent can be best described as sterile, which is not a horrible scent, but it’s also not a pleasant one. With most cleaning products, after I spray it on, I have to leave the room because the fumes overwhelm me and cause me to gag, like the extreme gleefulness and repetition I’m exposed to while riding the It’s a Small World ride at Disneyland would, but it didn’t happen with this product.
Overall, I’m extremely pleased with the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner, because it does an excellent job of cleaning in an environmentally friendly way at a reasonable price. It may not be the prettiest smelling product on the market, but a wise man once said, “The scent of a stripper does not equate to their ability to work the pole.”
Item: Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner Price: FREE (retails for $2.99) Size: 1 liter Purchased at: Given by Terracycle Rating: 9 out of 10 Pros: Cleans just as well as most other products. Reuses an actual 1-liter soda bottle. Reasonably priced. No chemical fumes to overwhelm. Non-toxic. Biodegradable. Environmentally friendly. Cons: No pleasant scent. Didn’t do well at all with hard water stains. Not too widely available (can be picked up at Office Max and Target). Strippers who don’t know how to work the pole. It’s a Small World ride.
Whenever I want to get my kink on at home, I put on a nice tight dress, a pair of black stockings, a brunette wig, six-inch heels, and my favorite shade of lipstick, which is Sexy Fire Red #5. The problem with doing all of this is that I can only wear it indoors or on Halloween, because if I were to go outside on a regular day with all that on, I’m pretty sure Eddie Murphy will come and “accidently” pick me up. To get my kink on when I’m not at home, I like to put on a discreet article of women’s clothing, which is always something I wear under my “normal” clothing.
It’s such a rush to be talking to someone and they don’t know I’m wearing something like a Victoria’s Secret blue lace trim thong or a curve-hugging Frederick’s of Hollywood silk and lace corset or a white Wicked Weasel sheer g-string under my clothing. You would think putting on a piece of women’s clothing would be second nature for me by now, but sometimes when I’m in a hurry, I’ll forget to put something on. Thankfully these Oops! Disposable Panties, which I keep in my car’s glove compartment and get another rush by putting them on in my car in the middle of a Wal-Mart parking lot, saves the day and I can continue my personal kink fest.
These disposable panties come in three colors: pink, blue, and yellow. I chose the pink because they match the color of most of my bras. Oh, and ladies, I just want to let you know that the bra’s underwire also can be uncomfortable for male chests too. As you can see in the photo above, the Oops! Disposable Panties come in an easy to hide disc shape, which is about 1.75 inches in diameter and .75 inches thick. Each disc consists of two “Magic Panties,” which is appropriately named for reasons which I will leave to your kinkiest imaginations.
On my head, the Oops! Disposable Panty looks like the world’s most ineffective shower cap, but when I slip it on my body, it just feels so naughty, so right. The mesh-like material was comfortable and durable while wearing it under my “normal” clothes. Sure, it wasn’t as comfortable as my striped cotton Victoria’s Secret PINK knickers, but it will do fine in a pinch and it makes my ass look damn good. It also wasn’t the sexiest thing I’ve ever put on and it didn’t fit as well as I hoped, but that was probably due to my junk in the front. Apparently one size fits many and I believe that because I have a 31-inch waist and there was definitely was a lot of room to spare for someone with a bigger waist-wise.
According to the packaging, the Oops! Disposable Panties are handy for those heavy flow days, which means absolutely nothing for me and my fellow kinksters out there. What’s important is that they’re washable, so I can use them to get my kink on again and again.
Item: Oops! Disposable Panties Price: $1.99 Size: 2-pack Purchased at: Longs Drugs Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: Comfortable and durable. One size fits many. Comes in several colors: blue, pink, and yellow. Convenient for crossdressers on the go. Hygienic and washable. Makes my ass look damn good. Writing this review while rubbing my nipples. Cons: Didn’t fit as well as I hoped, due to my junk in the front. Not sexy. Not as comfortable as my regular panties. World’s most ineffective shower cap when placed on head.
