Author: Vin

REVIEW: Gatorade Water

Vin 2 Comments

“If you want a revolution, the only solution, evolve.”

Sage advice from an extremely catchy tune Gatorade used in ads about a decade ago.

Fast forward to today annnnd I guess the revolution is over, because… Gatorade. Water.

Gatorade Water? That’s devolution!

Step aside Fierce Grape, Riptide Rush, and Frost Glacier Freeze. There’s a new Gatorade flavor in town – nothing. Some ad wizard probably made your yearly salary (x10) to come up with that.

Do you love electrolytes but hate fun? Well, Gatorade Water might just be for you.

Have you ever known someone who’s always had a beard, but then they shave their beard, and then you see their clean-shaven face sans beard, and you think, “Oooof, you shoulda kept the beard?” Gatorade Water.

What’s next, Ben & Jerry’s milk?! Lay’s potatoes? … I’d try ’em both.

Ok, ok, I’ll stop being so cynical. After all, there’s some merit to Gatorade Water. I’m not gonna act like it’s the first bottled alkaline water with electrolytes. There’s clearly a market for this. Smartwater exists, but I still can’t shake the fact this feels dumb.

It’s kinda hard to review water. It’s water. I know there is literally at least one water sommelier out there who would disagree, but H2O is H2O.

Everyone knows someone who insists they can tell the difference between waters, but I guarantee if they were put to the test and blindfolded, that claim would be proven false. Anyway, I’m one of those people now. They’re all liars, but I’m not. I can tell the difference. I don’t think this is very good water.

I’m a Poland Spring loyalist, and when comparing that “pure spring water” to this, I could really tell the difference. This has that dull “dryness” on the finish that I can only assume is from the bit of alkaline and sodium used to lyte up the electros. I can’t really explain it, but I think it’s a common complaint people have with Aquafina, Dasani, or possibly both.

For some reason, I feel like this type of water can never get truly cold or refreshing. I had it in the fridge for a good 36 hours, and it just never got above “slightly chilled.” Does any of this make sense?

Perhaps it has to do with the pH of 7.5 “or higher?” I don’t actually know what that means for drinking water, but I guess it’s not “Planet Hollywood.” Quick Googling seems to indicate that 7.5 is about right for most water.

I drank this at the gym, and it just didn’t stack up to my usual Poland Spring. I also didn’t stack up, as I was pumping weights so tiny that one particularly nosy trainer asked me if I “tore my rotator cuff or something?”

Gatorade Water has “what plants crave,” but I, a “human man,” wasn’t invigorated like I would’ve been if I swigged on a flavored Gatorade or my usual cold Poland Spring. This is just dry tepid nothing. The bottle is sleek and has a solid cap construction, though. I’ll give it that.

Look, it’s water. Am I being too hard on water? Perhaps, but there are plenty of other waters and sports drinks that are better than this, so I say don’t even bother. You can always just have what I’m having – Hatorade.

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 23.7 Fl. Oz.
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 65 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Orange Dreamsicle Frosty

Vin 9 Comments

This is how I imagine the inevitable ad for Wendy’s new Orange Dreamsicle Frosty is gonna go:

Kathryn – “Ever since Wendy’s introduced the new Orange Dreamsicle Frosty, Tyler has been dreaming up some new squad names.”

Tyler – “Hey Willie, since nothing rhymes with ‘orange,’ we should be the ‘Cream Team.'”

Then Willie just Jim Halperts to the camera and continues helping a customer.

Toby – “What about me? I wanna be on the Cream Team. It’s my CREAM DREAM! Haven’t you guys ever had a cream drea–”

Willie – “DON’T say it again.”

Then Toby awkwardly eats an Orange Dreamsicle Frosty before you realize you’re watching the DVR and can fast-forward through the rest of the commercials.

Tell me you don’t want an Orange Dreamsicle Frosty now! I had one, and it’s good!

Wendy’s is killing it with their Frosties lately. Vanilla was a winner, naturally. I really liked the Pumpkin Spice, and I gave Peppermint a 10! The only newer flavor I didn’t love was Strawberry. I thought it needed to be sweeter.

Well, sweetness is where the Orange Dreamsicle Frosty excels. I’m sure you’re familiar with Good Humor. You’re not getting any of that from my review, but you’ve probably had a Good Humor Creamsicle at some point in your life. I think Wendy’s has improved on that iconic flavor.

They nailed the balance of orange and vanilla here. The orange is vibrant and candylike but not citrusy or sour. It’s very pronounced on the nose, but it soon melds with the really soft vanilla flavor that chases it. It’s just the right level of sweetness, definitely less cloying than the ice cream bar that inspired it.

There’s also something about these two flavors that works so well with the Frosty texture. I’ve gone over it before – it’s not a shake, it’s not ice cream, it’s just an icy grainy concoction that lives somewhere in the middle. I don’t know how they do it, but even the temperature is perfect. I took a big spoonful and then a couple swigs and never even worried about potential brain freeze.

I got a Dave’s Double for $2 because of a March Madness promotion in the app and compensated by only getting a Junior Frosty. I wish I got a medium instead and opted for a $1 Dave’s Single. Either way, it’s a great pairing.

So yeah, this is an ideal flavor to usher in the spring. Next time you’re in the mood for ice cream, a shake, or an ice cream and shake-adjacent modern marvel of food science, just go to Wendy’s.

I’m already bummed this won’t be a permanent menu item. While I clearly love these seasonal Frosties, I need more than two options at a time. I’m not telling Wendy’s to retrofit all of their restaurants with a 10-tap Frosty machine… no, actually I am. Do that, Wendy. I want a full range of Frosty flavors at my disposal at all times, and don’t forget the Wendy’s Blendies™.

Purchased Price: $1.29
Size: Junior
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of total carbohydrates, 31 grams of sugars, 0 grams of fiber, and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Lay’s Sweet & Spicy Honey Potato Chips

Vin 4 Comments

Hot honey is taking over.

We’ve got hot honey chicken, hot honey pizza, hot honey pretzels, and hot honey buns. Actually, I don’t know about that one. Do hot honey buns exist? Has Little Debbie ventured into the world of hot honey buns yet? I wanna Google, “Little Debbie’s Hot Honey Buns,” but I’m afraid I’ll get put on a list.

Ya know what? I’m just gonna drop this train of thought and … oh hot honey chips! Those exist too. Herr’s makes ’em. Utz makes ’em. Pringles had some delicious hot honey crisps, so it’s no shocker that Lay’s has joined the fray with Sweet & Spicy Honey Chips.

The bag boasts, “Sweet. Spicy. Golden. Crunch,” and I’m not one to argue with a bag.

I’ll get to the first three words, but first, I wanna highlight the fourth word because the crunch might be the standout. By all accounts, they’re standard Lay’s chips, but I swear they’re crunchier. They’re not kettle, but if a chip could exist somewhere between regular and kettle, that’s these, and I love it. I don’t think it was a freshness issue. These felt like Lay’s tweaked its iconic recipe.

As for the flavor – I say this as a culinary inept American dude – I think it leans into a Chinese-inspired territory. Something about the combination of the spicy pepper and vague sweetness instantly made me think of Chinese flavors.

Even the red, scaly bag design made me think along those lines. If you told me these chips were limited edition “Year of the Dragon: Spicy Szechwan” flavored Lay’s, I wouldn’t argue.

The chips hit you with a mildly sweet honey flavor on the nose, then quickly chase that with a tolerable heat ideal for sustained snacking. I always rate spicy snacks on the “Flamin’ Hot” scale, and these probably reach about 80% of that.

I’ll say this, while they don’t exactly taste the same, all I thought about were Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos. In fact, I was bummed I wasn’t eating said Doritos, the G.D.O.A.T. Purple bag supremacy, no other flavor stacks up. Don’t @ me.

Using my confusing percentages again, I’d say the flavor here lands at about 63.7% on the Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili scale I just made up that will now be used to rate all food from now on.

Lay’s Sweet & Spicy Honey Potato Chips are solid but should’ve been sweeter. I’d actually probably like a bit more heat as well. They taste like a “lite” version of what the flavors should’ve been.

The ingredients list Cheddar, Monterey Jack and Swiss Cheese, but they aren’t cheesy. I tried to force a cheese flavor to manifest but to no avail. I still remain a little stumped by the ingredients.

So yeah, these aren’t bad. I got a little indigestion, but I loved the texture and liked the flavor. For all I know, I just had a weird bag, but they’re good overall. They’d probably go great crunched up inside a sandwich.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m… I’m gonna Google it. Curiosity killed the fat.

Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 7 3/4 oz bag
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (15 Chips) 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Breakfast Empanada

Vin Leave a comment

My local Dunkin’ was giving out free samples of the new Churro donut the other day, so I pocketed one to eat later in the day. Ya know, because I didn’t wanna spoil my supper.

Alright, I lied, I grabbed three little baggies on my way out when they weren’t looking. I know, you don’t have to say it – I’m what’s wrong with society. Believe me, I fully expect to see a printed camera shot of me on the wall with the words, “Do Not Serve This Slob,” next time I get a coffee.

Anyway, when it came time to sample said donut bites, two of them weren’t donuts at all. They were little bites of the new Breakfast Empanadas – ice cold bites of a sausage, egg and cheese empanada.

Serves me right, I guess… but ya know what? As gross as an empanada sitting in the car for five hours sounds, it wasn’t bad. In fact, it was good enough to go back the next day and try one hot out of the (microwave) oven.

The breakfast empanada consists of egg, cheese, and sausage paste baked inside a pastry shell. That’s not the most appetizing description, but it’s essentially what it is. The contents are like that of a Pillsbury Toaster Scramble, while the taste was similar to Dunkin’s Omelet Bites, just not as dry.

The crust is greasy and flakey but still quite enjoyable. I wouldn’t say it’s completely authentic to a traditional empanada, but maybe closer to a pot pie. It has a “sheen” to it, like a knish from a Jewish deli. I actually think the crust may have been the best part.

The inside is fine but leaves a little to be desired. The flavors blend well, but it can’t shake an underlying “cheap” taste that I don’t think a lot of other Dunkin’ foods have to this degree. I think it stems from the scrambled eggs that needed to be a little firmer. Some bites were so mushy they bordered on liquid and really relied on the crust to sop it up.

The sausage crumbles also didn’t have much texture, but they still boasted one overwhelming spice I couldn’t pinpoint. It made me think the empanada might’ve needed a zesty sauce or salsa to counter it. If the middle wasn’t an egg porridge, I’d say the crust-to-filling ratio was too high, but I appreciated the empanada shell’s role in this situation.

It’s funny; the hot version wasn’t much better than the cold. I should’ve Goldilocks’d it and waited about fifteen minutes, so it was just right.

In the grand scheme, this is probably a one or two-time purchase, but it’s not surpassing the Wakeup Wraps or Breakfast Tacos for me.

Still, you know how the menu works. The empanada will probably be gone in a month, so it’s worth a try. It’s a pretty convenient and satisfying meal. If not, you can always just steal three samples instead.

Purchased Price: $4.29
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 470 calories, 33 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 130 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 4 gram of total sugars, and 12 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Cheetos Crunchy Buffalo

Vin 5 Comments

Puffy or crunchy?

Blue cheese or Ranch?

These questions have plagued humankind for… I don’t know how long, actually. I could probably research that, but I’m not here to do research. I’m here to review Cheetos Crunchy Buffalo.

Yup, we’ve got Buffalo-flavored Cheetos now – a massive win for the permanent orange-stained finger community.

At the risk of being shunned from society, I have a confession to make. I don’t worship Buffalo wings like seemingly every other dude on Earth. I like ’em. They’re fun every now and then, but I don’t inhale trays like you, Tim. I know you’re reading this, Tim.

The reason these appealed to me was not so much the Buffalo flavor but the fact they mixed said flavor with the standard Cheetos-style cheese. Sure, Buffalo and cheese isn’t exactly a novel duo, but Buffalo and that distinct Cheetos taste seemed like an interesting pairing.

My suspicions were spot on because these strike a nice balance between Buffalo sauce (do I need to capitalize Buffalo every time?) and a standard Cheeto.

The cheese acts as a chill pill for the Buffalo flavor, which I find to be a sauce that can easily go off the rails. I’ve tried Buffalo sauces that are so “Buffaloey” that they almost have an off-putting sour finish. You don’t get that here. They’re really good.

I might actually like these more than regular crunchy Cheetos.

I certainly like them more than Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, which I’m on record calling one of the most overrated snacks on Earth. These have a heat to them that probably makes them more similar to the Flamin’ Hot line than the original. On a Buffalo wing sauce scale of “Mild to ‘You’ll Hallucinate Lucifer,’” these check in at around “Comfortably Hot.” I’d put the heat level a tick below Flamin’ Hot.

Since you’re wondering, yes, I dipped them in the superior chicken wing sauce, Ranch. It worked. I don’t think I’ve ever dipped Cheetos in anything before, but adding that Ranch cooling factor made me hope for a Buffalo ranch version someday.

I’m pretty impressed. These are Cheetos with a little twist, and dare I say the twist makes them better overall. They were some of the freshest Cheetos I’ve ever had and even lingered with a pleasant spiced corn aftertaste. I don’t know why I dug that, but it was a great capper.

My one complaint was not giving Chester a new, edgy Buffalo buddy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a buffalo in Oakleys before. They coulda named him “Butchie,” or “Bloo Cheez,” or “Dude, stop rambling and finish the review already.” I don’t know. Just something to keep in mind for the next bag.

Pick these up for sure. Hopefully, they’re successful, and Frito Lay runs the gamut on Cheetos and sauce pairings. BBQ, Ranch, Sriracha, whatever. Buffalo Cheetos made me think a lot of them would work.

Purchased Price: $4.38
Size: 8.5 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (21 Pieces) 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of total sugars, less than 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.