Orville Redenbacher’s Flavor Singles gourmet popcorn introduces three new flavors to the line-up: Sea Salt & Vinegar, White Cheddar, and Extra Cheese. The hook is not only that they are sold separately in single packages, but also the fact that they come with little flavor packets, which you’re meant to sprinkle over your popcorn.

Some things aren’t meant to be experimented with. I get it — snack foods are the interminable guinea pig. There will never be a time when a snack food manufacturer won’t have the desire to tweak their signature item with a new flavor or texture or shape. Their goal is to create a need where there was never one before; to lure the itinerant snacker over to their side of the grocery aisle and convince him or her to lay down their hard-earned cash for their latest Frankenstein-like creation. But damn it, Orville, you sort of beefed with this one.

Let me explain. The only flavor I actually liked was Extra Cheese. Despite the neon orange glow of the cheese powder, the Extra Cheese popcorn possessed a rather robust cheese flavor, which, when applied to a bag full of freshly-popped, already-cheesy popcorn, made things quite delicious… and doubly cheesy. But when it came time to sample the other two, I was terribly disappointed.

To start things off, the White Cheddar popcorn was really just regular white popcorn with no seasoning. All of the white cheddar flavor came from the packet of seasoning, but when I sprinkled it on, it tasted… well… a little mature. That is, the White Cheddar popcorn was a tad bitter. Now, I know that white cheddar itself has a more distinguished cheese flavor than regular cheddar, but on microwave popcorn, I don’t think it’s the best combination.

B-b-b-but wait, it gets worse! Sea Salt & Vinegar popcorn must be the popcorn they serve in Hell’s movie theater that only screens From Justin to Kelly on a loop. For $50 a pop. And it’s mandatory. Once again, the popcorn is unflavored, white popcorn to which you must add seasoning. I evenly distributed the flavor packet’s contents on my popcorn and was startled to taste nothing but vinegar. I couldn’t taste a bit of the sea salt. This was the ultimate in disgusting. I think the problem may be the popcorn itself. Sea salt and vinegar potato chips and French fries with sea salt and vinegar are sometimes an acquired taste (one which I have… ahem… acquired), but there is something about the base flavor of the fried potatoes themselves that I think balances the tanginess of the vinegar with the bite of the salt. That does not exist here with this popcorn. It is like eating straight-up vinegar on Styrofoam. Now, some of you may like that kind of flavor experience, but I will tell you right now, I am not a fan.

I would probably go back for the Extra Cheese flavor again, since it fulfills my expectations of what a cheesy snack food should look and taste like. However the other two flavor experiments, White Cheddar and Sea Salt & Vinegar were not as satisfactory, with one of them being an abject failure in the realm of culinary innovation. I could only manage a couple bites of each, and boy, those were some rough bites. Looks like my friends will be receiving tins of leftover popcorn this Christmas! It will be mandatory.

(Nutrition Facts – serving size varies – 2 Tbsp (about 5 cups – 6.5 cups popped) – Sea Salt & Vinegar – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 280 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein. White Cheddar – 140 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 3 grams of protein. Extra Cheese – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Other Orville Redenbacher’s Flavor Singles reviews:
Junk Food Guy (Salt & Vinegar)

Item: Orville Redenbacher’s Flavor Singles (Sea Salt & Vinegar, White Cheddar, and Extra Cheese)

Price: $1.49
Size: 3.24 ounces
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 1 out of 10 (Sea Salt & Vinegar)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (White Cheddar)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Extra Cheese)
Pros: Two words: Extra Cheese. Doubly cheesy snack foods. Mandatory gift-receiving. Apparently there’s money circulating in Hell, so at least you can save up for something nice down there.
Cons: Three words: Sea Salt & Vinegar. White Cheddar flavor is a tad bitter. The popcorn itself in the White Cheddar and Sea Salt & Vinegar packages is unflavored. Paying money in Hell to watch an American Idol reject sing and dance.

Related posts:

1. NEWS: New Orville Redenbacher’s Flavors Lets You Decide How Much Sodium You’re Going To Consume
2. Orville Redenbacher’s Real Ranch Shakeables
3. REVIEW: Pringles Family Faves (Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop, Taco Night)
4. REVIEW: Wendy’s Natural Cut Fries with Sea Salt
5. REVIEW: Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Ketchup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar

For those of you who have busy Mondays, here’s a short review, in haiku form, of the Dunkin’ Donuts Stuffed Breadsticks:

Like bad Hot Pockets
Less filling, blander tasting
Same burns in my mouth

For those of you who are looking to waste some time on Monday, stick around for further elaboration (and rest assured that it will be elaborate).

I believe it was Tolstoy who once wrote, “Tasty fast food items are all alike; every crappy fast food item is crappy in its own way.” To this principle I must add a corollary which shall forevermore be known as the Stuffed Breadsticks Corollary: “…but some crappy fast food items are crappy IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.”

Dunkin’ Donuts is offering their newest concoction in two flavors, Pepperoni & Cheese and Cheeseburger. Both varieties of Stuffed Breadsticks had very little stuffing, and all the tiny chunks of meat had slid down to the bottom of the breadsticks by the time I started eating. To set up the second photo, I had to dig around the breadsticks with my fork like I was trying to reach the fruit at the bottom of a yogurt container.

I ate multiple bites of only bread before reaching any meat. The bread was tasteless, too chewy, weirdly pale where it hadn’t been toasted, and droopy to the point of shape-shifting. So it failed on the dimensions of taste, visual presentation, texture, and even shape, which hadn’t struck me as a significant feature of bread until just now. (Now that we’re heading off on a tangent, what would you say are the best and worst shaped breads? After careful consideration, I would nominate Challah bread as the best and – you guessed it – these breadsticks as the worst.)

Things didn’t get any better once I finally got to the stuffing. The Cheeseburger breadstick supposedly contained ground beef, cheese, and mustard, but all these ingredients were so bland that I couldn’t really taste anything. If I had to pick one taste sensation that I felt, I’d say there was a sort of sweetness to the filling. That doesn’t speak very well to Dunkin’ Donuts’ ability to recreate the taste of a cheeseburger; I’d estimate that I’ve said “Sweet, cheeseburgers!” (interjection to express excitement over anticipated cheeseburger consumption) roughly a million more times than I’ve said “sweet cheeseburgers” (descriptive phrase to communicate actual flavor of previously consumed cheeseburgers).

The Pepperoni & Cheese breadstick was definitely the better tasting of the two, but that’s about as much of an accomplishment as being the most useful poopy-flavored lollipop, or being the most entertaining re-appropriated Ben Stiller movie quote, or being the TIB writer who uses the fewest commas. The pepperoni pieces look and taste exactly like the meat in pepperoni Hot Pockets. They add a certain zest to the breadstick’s overall flavor, but the cheese and sauce contributed nothing to the eating experience except the burning destruction of my mouth.

Even the price was crappy. With each Stuffed Breadstick costing $1.79, two breadsticks and a small iced tea will run you over $5, which is enough to get you a much heartier and tastier combo from any number of fast food restaurants, Dunkin’ Donuts itself included.

In case I haven’t made myself clear yet, here’s another haiku to wrap things up:

These Dunkin’ Donuts
Breadsticks fail in taste, look, cost
DON’T GET THEM, EVER.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stuffed breadstick – Pepperoni & Cheese – 210 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 11 grams of protein. Cheeseburger – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 400 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Stuffed Breadsticks (Pepperoni & Cheese and Cheeseburger)
Price: $1.79 each
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin Donuts
Rating: 1 out of 10 (Cheeseburger)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Pepperoni & Cheese)
Pros: Pepperoni pieces were sort of tasty. Haikus. Challah bread. “Sweet, cheeseburgers!” as interjection.
Cons: Not much stuffing in either Stuffed Breadstick. Bread was bland. Cheeseburger stuffing was bland. Pepperoni & Cheese stuffing burned my mouth. Kind of pricey. “Sweet cheeseburgers” as descriptive phrase. Poopy-flavored lollipops.

Related posts:

1. NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts’ Stuffed Breadsticks Sound Like Something Pizza Hut Would Do
2. NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts Is Putting Cheese In Between Two Slices of Bread and Then Selling It To You
3. NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts Introduces a Waffle Breakfast Sandwich That Makes Me Weep
4. NEWS: Start Your Morning With The New Dunkin’ Donuts Smokehouse Sausage Breakfast Sandwich
5. NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts Hopes To Have America Running On The 580 Calories Their New Big N’ Toasty Provides

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is based on the popular Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads. If you’ve never heard or seen these ads, check out this site to get a taste of them.)

Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius

(Real Men of Genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

Combining the watery goodness of Bud Light with the tomato clam juiciness of Clamato is usually only done by mad scientists and really, really, really, really, really drunk people. You also added salt and lime, but those don’t help the fact that you probably created the most ghetto bloody mary ever. Dr. Frankenstein used scavenged body parts to create his monster, but your hodgepodge creation would probably make him squirm.

(I ain’t going to drink that!)

Those who have balls big enough to drink it may not be able to smell and taste the clams or the beer, but the tomato is there punching their senses with a salty tomato soup look, smell and taste that only hobos can love. It’s somewhat tolerable, didn’t make me gag too much and I might’ve been able to nurse it until it was gone, except you weren’t kind enough to put it in a regular 12-ounce can.

Oh no.

Instead you decided to put your clammy concoction in a huge 24-ounce aluminum jug, making it impossible to finish without it getting warm, which makes the Chelada feel like someone rinsed their mouth with it and spit it back into the can.

(You sadistic bastard!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Champion of the Clamato and Backer of the Bud Light, because you’re going to find out if it mixes well with Grey Poupon.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 151 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15.6 grams of carbohydrates, 1.9 grams of protein, and 4.2% alcohol/volume.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the dozen or so people who recommended the Chelada. You are all sadistic bastards. Also, Second Rate Snacks reviewed the Budweiser version of the Chelada. And here’s another review.)

Item: Bud Light & Clamato Chelada
Price: $2.49
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Didn’t make me gag too much. It contains alcohol. Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads.
Cons: Tomato punching your senses. Mixing Bud Light & Clamato. It comes in a 24-ounce can. Tastes much worse when warm. Would make Dr. Frankenstein squirm. Bud Light mixed with Grey Poupon.

Related posts:

1. NEWS: You Say Clamato, I Say Oh-Hell-No
2. Heineken Premium Light
3. Ruffles Light Potato Chips
4. Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight
5. REVIEW: StarKist Chunk Light Sandwich-Ready Tuna Salad

They did it. I can’t fucking believe it. Someone is selling a canned beverage that has bird spit in it. Is demand really that high? Or was there a choice between a drink based on bird spit or bird balls soup? I guess the Nice Look Drink is a Chinese energy drink or something like it, judging by its cheesy name and the can is the size of a Red Bull. The avian saliva comes from the bird’s nest soup in the beverage, which according to Wikipedia is believed to, “aid digestion, raise libido, improve the voice, alleviate asthma, improve focus, and boost the immune system.”

So basically, it’s a fuck drink. Oh, and the ingredient list is mercifully short too: water, white fungus, bird’s nest, rock sugar, and vanilla. So it’s an organic fuck drink, I stand corrected.

I popped the top open to find myself inhaling a rather unusual smell for a beverage. It smells like a Chinese bakery, a really good one that has fresh baked buns, cakes, and tarts. It’s actually one of my favorite kinds of smells when I was a kid, visiting bakeries in Toronto on the way to see my relatives. Although, it is a bit strange to smell baked goods just before you fuck; nothing like a freshly baked pie before you get your pie!

It gets worse. Although, I’ll admit, how good can a drink based on a soup loaded with bird hock really be? Especially if it looks like the toilet bowl at my work, loaded with piss and toilet paper? Nice Look Drink, my ass. I should have bought the Ass Am Milk Tea instead. At least you get what you pay for, literally.

It feels thicker than water, like sugar syrup, and the fungus/bird’s nest feels pretty gelatinous on the tongue. It’s kind of like a thin egg drop soup, so to speak.

How does it taste? It almost tastes like Yeo’s White Gourd drink (similar smell, too), with a sweet bread/cookie-ish taste to it. That’s not to say it’s good. It’s not. There’s also this floweriness to it that peaks in the aftertaste. And I’ve never been much of a fan of flowers in food. I think it feminizes the food somehow. It’s sort of like dressing Batman up with pink or Scottish plaid external underwear instead of the black underwear. It just doesn’t work.

I wish I was in California, cause then I could recycle this crap and get 5 cents back, which I’d use for a cheap tranny hooker.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 godawful can – 72 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 12 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 400% DV of bird hawk.)

Item: Nice Look Drink
Price:$1.29
Size: 250 ml
Purchased at: China Mart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Chinese bakery smell. Fuck drink. Probably organic. Short list of ingredients. Recyclable in California for $0.05. Cheap tranny hookers.
Cons: Sweet bread taste. Flowery-ness. Thin texture. Piss and TP appearance. Bird hawk. Misleading name. Batman without black undies.

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4. Rehab Energy Drink
5. Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink

There’s a saying: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I usually thought of it as a bullshit saying because where’s the fun in that? Evil geniuses like me couldn’t fail to take over the world if we lived by those stupid sayings. Batman wouldn’t have had the rubber nipples suit and my neighbor in college wouldn’t have come up with novel ways to flash his hairy balls at me. Okay, I don’t exactly have a infallible worldwide domination plot, but I have my evil laugh down, so I’m halfway there! It’s essentially a bastardized version of Dr. Evil’s laugh, but it’s MY bastardized version.

I’ve always loved the original Kit Kat bars, and they were my favorite candy as a kid, so when I saw this at the checkout counter, I admit I was a bit eager to see a Japanese company’s take on this classic. I soon learned that I had made a horrible mistake.

It looks like a stick of strawberry gum, complete with white specks and streaks. Definitely not appealing despite its strawberry yogurt smell, which was actually kind of nice. My first thought after biting into this was, “Sweet Evil Jesus!” Seriously, where’s the strawberry? And my god, what is up with this artificial chemical taste that just bursts out with the first bite? I could barely taste the strawberry over the very artificial vanilla cream, “strawberry” coating and the stale wafer inside. It actually almost tastes like how paint smells.

I guess the target audience is for people with children…people who want to mindfuck with their children. This would actually make a decent punishment, sort of like when I was expecting a Super Nintendo on a Christmas morning and I got my hopes up so high that I cried when I tore the wrapping to find out it was just a lousy 3D Empire State Building puzzle. But the worst part? It was missing 3 pieces.

I’d like to say that one of the good things about it is that it comes in a pack of five, but unfortunately, it means there are five pieces. The only redeeming thing about this candy is the hexagonal box it comes in. If I hold it just right, I can cover up the name of the candy and tell others that it’s a smaller version of a Toblerone. Well, that, and it makes a dandy place to hide my blueprints for an underground cave lair complete with a cage for my evil guinea pig, Fuck Nut.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 and a quarter sticks – 158 calories, 8.7 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1.6 grams of protein, and the tears of children.)

Item: Furuta Sequoia Strawberry Chocolate

Price: $2.69

Size: 30 grams

Purchased at: China Mart

Rating: 1 out of 10 

Pros: Hairy balls. Strawberry yogurt smell. Mindfucking children. Container makes a dandy hiding place. Evil guinea pig named Fuck Nut.

Cons: Bubblegum appearance. Artificial and chemical tastes. Paint smell taste. Overpowering vanilla crème. Stale Wafer. Lousy 3D puzzle. 5 pieces.

Related posts:

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4. REVIEW: Temptations by Jello (Apple Custard Pie, Double Chocolate Pie, French Silk Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie & Strawberry Cheesecake)
5. REVIEW: Extra Dessert Delights Gum (Strawberry Shortcake, Mint Chocolate Chip and Key Lime Pie)

I believe I have found something worse than coal that Santa can give out to the naughty kids for Christmas this year.

If jolly St. Nick wants to be pissed off St. Dick and punish all the little shits around the world, he should stick the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink in their stockings because it is probably one of the most vile beverages I have ever put between my lips and down my gullet.

It’s like they took the essence of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, strained it into liquid form, added a little carbonation, and sealed it in an aluminum can, because much like the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, this beverage made me cry, grimace, and shout out loud, “DAMN, THAT’S FUCKING NASTY!”

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t know what 2 Girls 1 Cup is, it is VERY NSFW (Insert Fark bill here). It is so horribly disgusting that I am not even going to provide a link for it. It is one of the most repulsive things I have ever seen…a couple dozen times.)

The best way I can describe the taste of the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink is to say that its tart chemical flavor was like drinking a photo darkroom. Its ingredients consisted of water, organic kombucha concentrate, organic green tea, organic cane juice, black currant (cassis) juice concentrate, cherry juice concentrate, and carbonation. The cherry and the cassis give it a tartness, the green tea gives it antioxidants, while the kombucha gives it a shitiness.

In the context of the ingredients list, kombucha seems like it is a fruit with a funny name, like a jaboticaba, but it is actually a symbiosis of bacteria and yeast. Doesn’t that just roll down your tongue, then down your throat, and then back up your throat? Yummy!

According to the can, kombucha is supposed to detoxify, energize, help strengthen the immune system, aid digestion, and regulate appetite. The only effect I could notice was my lack of appetite, thanks to it making me a little nauseous. Even reading the Wikipedia page about kombucha made me slightly queasy.

With its unusual name and natural origins, it is something I expect hippies and Madonna to be into, but I could not get into it, despite forcing myself to drink half of the can. “I’m sure it is an acquire taste,” I said to myself, but every sip I took felt like what I imagine it is like being Lucifer’s urinal.

Sure, the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink contains all-natural ingredients and is good for you, but I’m pretty certain that someone who drinks their own urine would find this particular Wonder Drink disgusting.

If the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink can make me cry and wince, imagine all the pain and suffering it could cause with all the rotten children out there, perhaps setting them straight. It could help decrease teen pregnancy, lower drug use, increase test scores, and open their eyes to how lame Heelys are.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 100 grams of holy-shit-what-the-fuck-is-this!)

Item: Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink
Price: $1.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Uwajimaya
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: 100% natural. Partially organic. Contains green tea and antioxidants. Kombucha is a funny word to say. Those on the nice list.
Cons: Being Lucifer’s urinal. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Not a source of vitamins and minerals. 2 Girls 1 Cup. It tastes like a photo darkroom. 2 Girls 1 Cup. I am not man enough to drink an entire can. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Heelys. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Those on the naughty list.

Related posts:

1. Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper
2. REVIEW: Nice Look Drink
3. White Cherry Slurpee
4. REVIEW: Cherry Vanilla Pepsi & Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi
5. Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink & Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink

If a complete dinner in less than two minutes doesn’t appeal to you, then you’re either lying to me or to yourself. People barely have time to put on their pants before they get out of the house, a problem that has cost me several hundred dollars and a few restraining orders.

Hormel understands and they have introduced a line of Compleat meals that come out hot and ready in 90 seconds. That’s how long it used to take me to spike my ridiculously bad Asian hair in junior high (Note to self: travel back in time and slap self). By any standard of convenience, taking a box out of the cupboard and microwaving it the length of a couple commercials is pretty damn easy. But as exciting as it may seem, not all things turn out the way you want them to.

Shocking, I know.

You mean a 90 second meal doesn’t set the culinary world on fire? Well, no, unless that fire is started by me after I take my molotov cocktails over to the Hormel factory. Everything about this meal is offensively horrible in the worst way imaginable. Even worse, the cooking directions are all off. I can deal with crappy food, but when the crappy food comes out so cold that I keep having to taste it to see when it’s ready, I just begin an all out vendetta with the thing.

All in all, it probably took five solid minutes to heat the thing through. By that point, the edges of the mashed potatoes were crisp and the center was unpleasantly tepid. I understand that contrasts in texture makes food interesting, but the principle doesn’t exactly apply here.

So now that I figured out that it really takes the same amount of time to cook as a regular frozen dinner, it had to be really damn good to not make me chuck it at the neighbor’s annoying dogs. I’m sad to say that it disappointed me deeply.

The meat was dry, almost like beef jerky, and came apart in flakes. Yes, flakes. You know, like how really well cooked fish does, but only completely awful and from a cow. Not only is that disgusting, it is confusing to the taste buds.

The gravy wasn’t any better. In fact, it was completely tasteless and worthless. The mysterious sauce was watery and contained only hints of beefy goodness. It’s hard to describe…the best way I can describe it is that it tasted like “brown” with perhaps some celery thrown in. It covered the beef and a sizable bed of mashed potatoes.

I was actually pleasantly surprised with the potatoes at first because they were lumpy like homemade mashed potatoes. This was before I realized that it was just undercooked potato flakes that were just dense and mealy. My disgust at this revelation was the breaking point. In my growing hysteria, I threw the bowl against the wall and watched it slowly drip down towards oblivion. You’ll have to take my word for it, but it was very dramatic.

All in all, my hopes were crushed and it will be a long time before I can truly dream again. It was a lesson learned the hard way: gourmet meals aren’t cooked in 90 seconds. Especially ones that appear to be designed for bomb shelters and emergency kits.

Item: Hormel Compleats Roast Beef and Gravy
Price: $2.04
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: You can use the plastic bowl as a 7 layer dip container after you’re done.
Cons: Cold and flavorless food. Spiky hair. Ridiculous promises regarding cooking length. Public indecency.

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I take back everything bad I said about other things I reviewed, this is proof that the devil lives among us. And apparently the devil takes on the form of a blonde mermaid who hocks packaged fish products. Nice try, you sleazy merchant of lies. You don’t even really exist in nature, your origin came about when drunk and horny pirates mistakenly identified a seal. Maybe next time wear a clamshell bra like Ariel from The Little Mermaid if you want to win my trust and make me have a disturbing, sexually confusing crush on you.

How I came about stumbling upon this box of evil seemed innocent enough. I was minding my own business, shopping at the gigantic corporate mega mart that simultaneously fuels and ruins our country, when I had a sudden craving for tuna. I skimmed the aisles until I found the cheapest can I could and then noticed something beside it. Like a siren, it called to me. I picked it up and threw it in my cart. Little did I know I was in possession of a product that was more akin to Pandora’s Box than a can of tuna.

I related to the small sealed cup because like myself, it had a massive identity crisis. The label is a true orgy of bullshit that I had to wade through just to figure out what the damn thing was. First of all, it was from Chicken of the Sea, which I’ve been conditioned to believe sells tuna.

However, it is addressed as a salmon cup, which is neither chicken nor tuna. To make matters more complicated, the words “Mandarin Orange” are included in a big box as if to indicate that this was indeed a fruit cup and that everything else was included for the sole purpose of pissing me off.

After my head exploded and the minimum wage worker lazily wiped the remains off the floor, I checked out. I mentioned to the cashier, “You do realize that this is fucking ridiculous, right?” but only received a puzzled look in response. I took the cup home and decided to give it a shot.

This is by far the most vile thing I’ve ever attempted to consume. The scent is somewhere between orange scratch-n-sniff and demon breath. I am convinced that if Syracuse University’s orange mascot died in a football celebration gone terribly awry, this is what he’d smell like after two weeks. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this thing came straight out of an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

By this point I had confirmed that it was indeed salmon in some type of mandarin orange sauce. My first taste was one of bewilderment and disgust. “I don’t recall salmon tasting like syrup, orange liquor, and charcoal,” I thought to myself.

Needless to say, I quickly spit it out and burned the plastic bag just in case it decided to return and make me eat it in my sleep. I ran into the garage seeking sandpaper to lick so I could get rid of the taste.

They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger, but those people apparently never tasted mandarin orange salmon cups. The sadist in me wants you to try it with your family and share in the pain that I’ve felt, but the Jesus complex in me wants to save you from this horrible wreck.

It’s your call, but don’t come back crying when your spouse leaves you and your oldest daughter becomes a broken emo girl that I may or may not try to sleep with at a party.

Item: Chicken of the Sea Mandarin Orange Salmon Cups
Price: 85 cents
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Hot animated mermaids. Hermetically sealed packaging.
Cons: Dead orange mascots. Smell from said dead orange mascot. Abominable taste. the shame of shopping at Wal-Mart. Confusing labels. Salmon officially losing all of its dignity.

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2. Sierra Mist Undercover Orange
3. Starburst Orange Crème Slurpee
4. REVIEW: Extra Dessert Delights Orange Crème Pop Gum
5. REVIEW: Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee

Right now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine me washing my body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Do you like what you’re picturing in your mind?

If you’re having a hard time thinking of what my lathered up bod looks like, let me help you out.

My chest is like Kate Moss’, except I have slightly bigger boobs than she does and a lot more hair. Growl! Like wooden chopsticks at a sushi bar, my arms are skinny, pale, and can only lift things by using both of them at the same time, unless I stab stuff with one arm. My gut could be a six-pack if I sucked it in hard enough, but I don’t, so instead it looks like a mini-keg. If you’ve seen rap video hoochies, you know what my booty looks like, except extremely pale. My legs are like a fine thoroughbred racing horse’s, only in furriness, not in shape or muscle definition. Finally, at certain angles my head kind of looks like John Cho’s from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

Now wrap all of that together, and put some soap suds over it, and you can imagine me cleaning my wet naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Can you visualize it? Can you see my glistening physique? Oooh, do you like what you see? Do you like what you smell?

Well I don’t like what I smell, because the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist makes me smell like lemon Pledge wood spray.

The only times I should smell like lemon Pledge is if I’m getting it on with a hot cleaning maid who speaks very little English on a freshly-cleaned dining table or being sprayed in the face with lemon Pledge by a hot cleaning maid after using the pick up line, “I’ve got something else that’s hard and wooden that needs some cleaning…and lovin’.”

I don’t know if the Iced Tea Twist combined with my au naturel body odor causes some kind of chemical reaction to make it smell like lemon Pledge, but it disappoints me because in the bottle the Iced Tea Twist actually smells like the iced tea I make with the sweetened Nestea iced tea powder mix. It smells good enough that if I wanted to put a Jackass-type of video up on YouTube and the bottle didn’t specifically say, “CAUTION: FOR ADULT EXTERNAL USE ONLY,” I would totally mix it with some chilled filtered water, drink it, then call the National Capital Poison Center at 1-800-222-1222 and hope I don’t die.

The lemon Pledge smell is definitely a turn off, but the metallic brown color of the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is pretty and I would probably use it if I decide to pimp my 2003 Toyota Corolla and turn it into a rice racer. Finally, Iced Tea Twist is like RuPaul, because they are both 3-in-1. While the Iced Tea Twist is a body wash, bubble bath and shampoo, RuPaul is a woman, a man and FABULOUS.

So if you enjoy smelling like lemon Pledge, and I’m pretty sure one percent of you do, the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is the next best thing behind using lemon Pledge as an eau de toilette. For the other 99 percent of you, I would recommend avoiding it, because it’s not appealing at all, just like imagining me lathering up my naked body.

(Editor’s Note: Since I won’t be using the rest of the bottle, I’m giving it away. Although, it’s been next to my naked body and I have cooties, so I think I might have a hard time getting rid of it. However, if you’re interested in receiving the rest of the bottle of Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist and possibly getting cooties, just leave a comment with this review with the words “I want to smell like lemon Pledge” and I’ll have a drawing for it. The drawing is open to everyone and entries will be accepted until Sunday, July 15, 2007.)

Item: Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist
Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Smells like sweetened Nestea iced tea in the bottle. Cool metallic brown color. Body wash, bubble bath and shampoo. Hot cleaning maids.
Cons: Smells like lemon Pledge on my body. For external use only. Visualizing me washing my naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Having bigger boobs than Kate Moss.

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1. Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash
2. Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel
3. Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash
4. REVIEW: Bath & Body Works Signature Collection for Men Body Wash (Noir, Citron and Ocean)
5. Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel

(Editor’s Note: Just to let you know, this review wasn’t written by me. It doesn’t have any references to Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Rosie or my inability to please women. This review was penned by new TIB writer Ace, who had his own product review blog called Here to Eat, but is now here at TIB as a college intern. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get any college credit and he’ll probably have to collate, hole-punch, and staple papers.)

I’ve always been told that one of the most important things one can do in life is make a good first impression. Unfortunately, I tend to ignore people I deem stupid so most advice goes way over my head. I once took a girl out on a first date and audibly complained that getting another slice of cheese on my burger costs an extra 30 cents. Later on, I mused about “really thinking about buying war bonds” and “striking it rich with Pog collecting.” After I finished explaining that “I’m not a stalker,” she seemed visibly disgusted.

Oh, the witty thought bubbles Blind Date would’ve put over our heads!

Alas, it was not meant to be.

But something I’ve learned from television is that no matter how badly you screw up, you can always dye your hair and move to a different state. This is why back in the 90′s I looked like an Asian Dennis Rodman. Not exactly a pretty sight, but that’s the sacrifice I had to make. All of that’s in the past and now I’m here with all you fine folks reviewing everything America has to offer: the good, the bad, and the Libby’s Zesty Barbecue Vienna Sausages.

Vienna sausages never made a good first impression with me. They were limp, soft, and devoid of any flavor except for perhaps urine and pig intestines. Looking like flaccid hot dogs didn’t help their case either. The fact that they even call it a Vienna sausage is obscene. It’s like inventing a “Luxembourg Sandwich” and making it with bologna and chicken gravy. Granted, that sounds absolutely delicious, but it doesn’t make it accurate.

Vienna is supposed to be a city rich with culture, history, and from what I gathered from the movie Hostel, hot and easy Euro chicks. These sausages have none of that.

Actually, I might be shortchanging them a bit — they might contain Euro chicks, since they’re already made with chicken, beef, and pork. Throw in some tuna and they could make a formidable basketball team down at the local YMCA.

Vienna sausages are life’s “fuck you” waiting in the cabinet when you’re hung over and depressed; heart welling with anguish after a long night of binge drinking because you’re wondering why Gordon Ramsey has to be so darn mean on Hell’s Kitchen. All you have left after that are these crimes against nature, which are mysteriously cheaper than cat food and come in disturbingly similar packaging. I’m not one to turn down a good can of Fancy Feast, but it’s not exactly something I’m proud of. There is a saving light, however! The sausages now come with a zesty barbecue sauce.

The makers of the sausage would like to believe that the addition of an awful sauce would make their product suitable for human consumption. My rebuttal would be a Lex Luthor-style WROOOONG!!!

Damn, where do I start?

The sausages have a distinct metallic aftertaste. I’m not sure if this is because they’ve been in a can since the first world war, but it is not exactly pleasing to the palette. The barbecue sauce is just regular Vienna sausage sauce mixed with some ketchup and brown sugar. It makes for a viscous disaster of a condiment. I tried them on a hot dog bun and barely got through two bites. I wouldn’t even feed it to my worst enemy, for I fear that upon consumption he would be stricken with so much rage that I would be immediately eviscerated.

Maybe it was stupidity or maybe it was morbid curiosity, but I was drawn to these things. For that, I am ashamed. I hope Libby’s enjoy their 48 cents, because it is safe to say that I will not be making this purchase again unless I am attempting suicide and need some extra incentive.

Item: Libby’s Zesty Barbecue Vienna Sausage
Price: 48 cents
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Knowing that the production of this stuff at least gives people jobs.
Cons: Barbecue sauce on a god damn vienna sausage. Distinct metallic aftertaste. Complaining about the price of cheese on dates. Look like flaccid hot dogs. An Asian Dennis Rodman. Gordon Ramsey’s temper.

Related posts:

1. Budweiser Barbecue Sauce
2. Taco Bell Zesty Nachos
3. REVIEW: Healthy Choice Rotini & Zesty Marinara Sauce Fresh Mixers
4. REVIEW: Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl
5. NEWS: McDonald’s Testing Zesty BBQ Cruncher, Gives You The Option Of Which Farm Animal To Eat

The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a couple of yogurt smoothies over the past couple of months: The Yoplait Nouriche and the Dannon Frusion. Both of them were good, but if you read the nutritional information, you will notice each product has enough carbs and sugar to cause the late Dr. Atkins to un-cremate his body and scold your carb-craving fat ass.

If that whole coming back to life by un-cremation were possible, the zombie Dr. Atkins would probably recommend the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie. He would also try to eat your brains, because he’s a zombie and it’s protein.

While chewing on your cerebellum, he would probably tell you that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie is low in carbs, low in sugar, low in fat, low in calories, and has more protein than the Yoplait Nouriche, Dannon Frusion, and your brain stem. Also, he might brag about the fact his name in prominently on the bottle a couple of times.

Unfortunately, the zombie Dr. Atkins probably wouldn’t mention the fact that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie tastes much worse than the Nouriche and Frusion, but slightly better than the frontal lobe he’s chewing on.

The texture of it was kind of chalky, and yes I did remember to shake well. I guess I should’ve expected this, after all it is “lowfat.”

Now boys and girls, to avoid selecting crappy products while you’re shopping, it’s very important to remember this fun and simple equation:

If you’re trying to reduce your carbohydrates intake, this is a great product with only 4 grams of carbs, but that’s all it’s got going for it.

Item: Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie
Purchase Price: $2.39 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories.
Cons: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories. Low taste. Low desire to buy another.

Related posts:

1. REVIEW: Yoplait Smoothie (Triple Berry, Strawberry Banana and Strawberry Mango Pineapple)
2. Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie
3. Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt
4. NEWS: Yoplait Adds Chocolate Banana To Their Smoothie Line
5. REVIEW: Yoplait Chocolate Banana Smoothie

The best way to describe the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich is call it the result of a wild sex romp between a McChicken Sandwich and a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.

Imagine the oily and wet action with lettuce flying everywhere and sesame seed buns being slapped.

Oh yeah!

Oh wait! What were we talking about again?

Oh yes. After eating the Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich value meal, I have to say that I’m not impressed with it at all. Hence my attempt to make it seem exciting with my “What if they got it on?” introduction.

Nothing really stood out with the sandwich. The ranch sauce wasn’t anything special; I know I could buy a better tasting ranch dressing from the national grocery store chain I shop at. The lettuce was iceberg lettuce, which doesn’t have much nutritional value, but then again if you’re buying fast food, you’re probably not too worried about nutritional value.

I think my friend was right to ridicule me for breaking my no-fast-food rule by going to McDonald’s. Their menu just isn’t very exciting and the food isn’t very good.

The only things I would go to McDonald’s for are their French fries and $1 hot fudge sundaes. Mmm, $1 hot fudge sundae…Mmm…

I’ll be right back.

(15 minutes later)

Ooh, $1 hot fudge sundae.

Oh crap, I got hot fudge on my keyboard.

Dammit! They didn’t give me any napkins! Why don’t they EVER give me napkins?

Well I’m too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a paper towel, so I guess I’m going to have to lick it off.

There, it’s gone.

Man, this review was as boring as the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich.

Maybe I should get back to writing about the salad tossing sex romp?

Item: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: I got a $1 hot fudge sundae.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Uses crappy iceberg lettuce. Ranch sauce wasn’t very good.

Related posts:

1. McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich
2. REVIEW: McDonald’s “New” Chicken McNuggets Sauces (Creamy Ranch, Honey Mustard, Spicy Buffalo, and Sweet Chili)
3. McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich
4. McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich
5. NEWS: New BK Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp Was Also New In 2005

A couple months ago, I tried the limited edition Ketchup Pringles, which I purchased from the national, small-business destroying superstore behemoth I sometimes shop at. I really enjoyed them, although this is from someone who thinks ketchup goes great with anything.

While watching a Pimp My Ride marathon and mowing down the can of Ketchup Pringles in one sitting, I wondered if Pringles was going to come out other limited flavors. Fast-forward a few months and on the shelf at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I discovered Salt and Pepper Pringles.

To describe the experience of eating Salt and Pepper Pringles, I have decided to express it in rhyme. Or to be more exact, take someone else’s rhymes, change a few words, and make them my own rhymes.

So I give you Salt ‘n Pepa’s “Push It,” with a few of my changes in the lyrics.

S-S-Salt and Pepa Pringles are here and it’s in effect.
Want you to try it babe,
Tryin’ it by day then at night you’ll have some regret.
C’mon Pringle, you sure like to show that you know,
how to make messed up chips to eat during a TV show.

Salt it good.
P-pepa it real good.

Item: Salt and Pepper Pringles Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $1.50 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Got to be “Weird Al” Yankovic for a few minutes.
Cons: Too much salt. Too much pepper. Would you like some potato chips with your salt and pepper?

Related posts:

1. Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips
2. NEWS: Kettle Fully Loaded Baked Potato Potato Chips Allow Me To Say ‘Potato’ and ‘Potahto’ in the Same Product Name
3. REVIEW: Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle Potato Chips
4. Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips
5. REVIEW: Tostitos Hint of Pepper Jack Tortilla Chips