Taco Bell (in)famously reconfigures the same few ingredients into “brand new” menu items quite often. If they ever wanted to offer actual new products and services, there are a few obvious candidates.

They could sell single servings of Pepto-Bismol, hand out business cards for good local plumbers, or provide complementary euphemisms for gastrointestinal unrest when the explanation, “I drunkenly ate a Taco Bell Party Pack at 2 a.m.” just won’t do. Investing in a new line of bakery goods wasn’t an obvious choice, but that’s the direction Taco Bell went with their new Cookie Sandwich and Churro.

On the Friday night after Thanksgiving, while you were likely getting ready for your high school reunion or engaging in the cherished annual tradition of contemplating how you could murder that one annoying cousin and make it look like an accident, I decided to venture out to the Taco Bell in my hometown. After downing a couple Doritos Locos Tacos (the fake Brad Pitt ad is really effective marketing), I tried out these new dessert offerings.

At first glance, the cookie sandwich looked almost like a toy, as though three layers of Play-Doh had been hastily pushed through a miniature pie mold. My tactile first impression was also quite negative, since the cookie sandwich was cold, hard, and clearly just removed from a storage fridge.

Taste-wise, the item performed a bit better, but not by much. The cookies were fine – appropriately sweet and chewy, and with a decent number of chocolate chips. After 10 seconds in the microwave, I imagine they could’ve resembled a poor man’s Mrs. Fields chocolate chip cookie.

The frosting, however, was awful. It was much too sweet, much too rich, and much too much, as the excessive frosting quickly made eating the cookie sandwich a very messy experience.

For my tastes, the churro fared significantly better. It came out as warm as the cookie sandwich was cold, with a noticeable and pleasant scent from the exterior dusting of cinnamon sugar.

The shell was nice and crispy, and provided a great contrast to the soft, moist innards (which was just barely on the good side of the line between moist and mushy). I actually thought this product could’ve used a little more sugar, and I wished there had been a dipping sauce on the side. But for 99 cents, the churro provided solid value.

While I’ve written a mixed review, I do like that the folks at Taco Bell, between these items and the Cantina offerings, are making real strides in adding to their menu, and I definitely enjoyed my churro. Next time you drop in for your Doritos Locos Tacos fix, make sure to pick up a couple churros, too.

And if you happen to be a plumber, maybe consider leaving some business cards there. You never know how else Taco Bell might be trying to improve the business.

(Nutrition Facts – Cookie Sandwich – 390 calories, 160 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 3 grams of protein. Churro – 190 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating
The Smidview

Item: Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich and Churro
Purchased Price: $1.29 (Cookie Sandwich)
Purchased Price: 99 cents (Churro)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Cookie Sandwich)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Churro)
Pros: Cookies were appropriately sweet and chewy with decent number of chocolate chips. Churro was warm and smelled great. Churro’s crispy shell and moist inside contrasted nicely. Taco Bell offering actual new items. SNL Brad Pitt ads. Seeing high school friends over Thanksgiving break. 2 a.m. Taco Bell runs.
Cons: Cookie sandwich was cold and looked toy-like. Frosting was awful. Churro could’ve used more sugar or a dipping sauce. Your annoying cousin. 2 a.m. Taco Bell runs.

I’ve written before at no brief length about my love of breakfast cereals.

Stand-up comedians seem to articulate my feelings about cereal well — Jerry Seinfeld opining that he loves being able to eat and drink simultaneously with one hand while reading the paper, and Mike Birbiglia admitting that if he buys a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at four in the afternoon, that box ain’t making it to eight o’clock the next morning.

Both of those observations apply to me, and ever since I became an adult (no, it’s true, I pay taxes and work and everything), I’ve struggled with limiting cereal to just breakfast time. Honestly, why would you? I guess if you’re on a diet or pinching pennies, maybe, but otherwise it’s the perfect snack.

Apparently General Mills is thinking along the same lines, because they recently released a line of cereal-based muffin mixes through the Betty Crocker brand. No word yet on whether that’s due to an impeding global milk shortage (we have top people looking into it. Top. People.), but the goal is for you and I to be able to enjoy all the benefits of a nice bowl of dry cereal in a far more portable manner. There are three kinds so far: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Reese’s Puffs, and Cocoa Puffs, of which we’ll be taking a look at the first two.

On a sidenote, I’m a little surprised to find two classic cereals sharing space with a relative newcomer like Reese’s Puffs, but I guess they probably wanted some variety and there aren’t that many peanut butter-based cereals to choose from. (Although there WOULD be if everyone had kept eating E.T. cereal like we all agreed. No, I haven’t gotten over it.)

But let’s start with the aromatic wonder itself. Right, I didn’t mention that yet… yeah, they smell. The Reese’s Puffs batter has an extremely noticeable scent that’s vaguely peanut-ish but mostly chemical-y, not to overload on hyphens. It’s not acrid or reminiscent of a filled diaper or anything, but describing it as “pleasant” would be something more than a stretch. My wife was helping me make them because, even though they’re extremely easy to prepare, I’m not skilled in the culinary arts and we didn’t want them to end up with refrigerator magnets or loose change in them; and in her opinion, the smell was really distracting. To be fair, I’ll offer that the aroma is far less prevalent when they come out of the oven…

…but that’s somewhat cold comfort, because the bad news is that while the scent lessens, the muffin itself is sporting a very artificial taste. There’s a sliiiiiight peanut butter flavor, but it’s pretty mild, which may or may not be true to the actual cereal itself. The muffin was fairly moist, though really that’s ultimately up to you and your stove. Most of the taste you’re going to be getting is a fairly standard chocolate, albeit tinged with that same artificial flavor and aftertaste. It’s okay, but certainly not comparable to some of the better, or even average, chocolate and/or peanut butter muffins you’ve had in your life.

And not that we at TIB advocate judging a book by its cover (despite all being jaw-droppingly attractive people ourselves), but you’ll notice from the picture that the “peanut butter” crumbs sort of melt into each other and congeal, whereas on the box they’re all perfectly separated and look crunchy rather than gooey. Yeah, yeah, no one expects truth in advertising, but they do look a bit less palatable in reality.

Okay, but Cinnamon Toast Crunch will be our savior, right? Wendell and those two other bakers who got blacklisted after admitting their relationship have never let us down. Well, don’t be so hasty — the counterpoint to CTC’s awesomeness is that any kind of spinoff has a lot to live up to. Which was a bigger disappointment, The Godfather Part III or Police Academy 3? Exactly. But it does get off to a better start than the Reese’s Puffs mix just by virtue of the batter not smelling as odd.

Actually making the muffins is just as simple, the work of maybe 10 minutes, tops. Basically all you need is vegetable oil, two eggs, and water. You don’t even need paper baking cups, though my wife used Spider-Man ones anyway because that’s how we roll.

I like the look of them better than the Reese’s Puffs muffins, because the cinnamon sprinkled on the top looks more natural and less, well, blobbish. As for taste? Sigh… well, they’re better, you can say that. But that’s faint praise, because they still aren’t anything to write home about, unless you like disappointing your mother. More than usual, I mean. (She just wants what’s best for you, dear.)

You can taste the cinnamon more so than you could the peanut butter on the other kind, but it still carries that distinctly artificial flavor, somewhat moist but with a lingering aftertaste that isn’t found in nature. It smells better, so there’s that. And like the Reese’s Puffs kind, they’re pretty filling, so you shouldn’t need to eat more than one or two to fill you up for breakfast. But I still can’t recommend them any higher than a general “Eh… I’ve had worse.”

Damning with faint praise, I know, but what are you going to do? Maybe trying to capture the magic of cereal sans milk was always doomed to failure. Or maybe it could have worked with different ingredients. My gut tells me that this is just sort of what you get with instant muffins, but who knows. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that these particular muffins are subpar. Unless you’re just inadvisably curious, don’t waste your time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 muffin – Reese’s Puffs – 170 calories, 70 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein. Cinnamon Toast Crunch – 170 calories, 70 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein.)

Other Betty Crocker Cereal Muffin Mix reviews:
Baking Bites (Cinnamon Toast Crunch)
Foodette Reviews (Reese’s Puffs)
The Smart Cookie Cook (Cocoa Puffs & Reese’s Puffs)

Item: Betty Crocker Reese’s Puffs Muffin Mix and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Muffin Mix
Purchased Price: $2.59 each
Size: 12.75
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Reese’s Puffs)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Cinnamon Toast Crunch)
Pros: Super easy to make. Spider-Man baking cups. Cereal, the perfect food. Cinnamon tastes artificial, but not terrible. Police Academy 3, kinda. Not that bad for you, all things considered. More portable than real cereal.
Cons: Not as good as real cereal. Reese’s Puff batter has a weird smell. No more E.T. cereal. Taste is uninspired and artificial. Reese’s Puffs muffins don’t look too appealing. The Godfather Part III. Maybe trying the Cocoa Puffs kind would’ve been better?

Meet the cookie I am sure Guantanamo Bay serves to its residents.

Nabisco’s Coconut Delight Oreo Fudge Cremes.

They do have a coconut-ish flavor. They are delightful, if you enjoy getting punched in the stomach. They are not Oreos. They are indeed fudgy, if waxy chocolate is the definition for fudge. They are not creamy or creme-mey. I could leave it at that and you would know all there is to know about these cookies.

I’m not a cookie whore. When I want something sweet, it’s either chewy Starburst (I prefer the Sugus brand if you can find them in Asian markets) or vermouth. However, I do have a soft spot for sandwich cookies. If you place a Nutter Butter or a no-name lemon sandwich cookie in front of me, I’ll gobble them up shamelessly. I’ll even eat the Dolph Lundgren of Oreos, Hydrox.

When I first heard of these “delights,” I was expecting a normal Oreo cookie with coconut flavored cream in the middle, and then dipped in fudge. Like my parents, expectation leads to disappointment.

So what is this thing Nabisco is doing to an Oreo? The cookie is a single Oreo wafer with coconut cream layered on top and then dipped in chocolate “fudge.” It neither resembles nor performs like the beloved sandwich cookie.

It’s as if Outback Steakhouse came out with a new Aussie cheese fries and they were just stupid ‘ol potato chips with bacon bits sprinkled on top with Greek yogurt plopped thoughtlessly. Boooooo!

That’s not Aussie cheese fries and this is no friggin’ Oreo. I want to twist that cookie and selectively deconstruct it with my tongue as I eat each element separately. I want to dunk it in a cold glass of whole milk. I want to pretend that these things are poker chips as I stack them in edible columns. In short, I want an Oreo.

Not even on Earth-Three where the Justice League is villainous, Wonder Woman is even hotter and the Joker is a good guy, would anybody there consider this an Oreo. I was reluctant to write this review because I had to filter my strong dislike to write something coherent.

My first draft went something like this, “I fucking hate these fucking cookies that are not fucking good at fucking all because they fucking suck the fucking dog’s fucking tongue for fucks sake!”

Yeah, I agree with you… it’s a run on sentence.

Upon opening the cookies, you are slapped in the face with this fake buttery smell. It was a bit off-putting but my father-in-law and wife seemed not to mind. I shrugged and hesitated to eat one because of the strange smell.

The coconut creme was nutty and tasted artificial. Furthermore, the white stuff was similar to paste and a bit chalky. I couldn’t stomach the so-called chocolate fudge because it was very plastic and had an excessive fake buttery flavor. It’s akin to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter with its weird, not quite butter smell and flavor.

The sole saving grace was the cookie, which was crisp and deep with cocoa flavors.

I was hoping this Oreo would be close to a Mounds candy bar, but the cookie as a whole tasted like an overly-buttery, too-sweet, and nutty mess. I ate a few because I thought maybe the flavors would temper a bit. But nope.

Nabisco also succeeded in creating something with almost every unpleasant texture to mouths everywhere. In fact, if these were soggy, then this depressing cookie would be complete.

I champion Oreos and their foray into assorted flavors, but this specific variety I cannot. My father-in-law devoured them but the poor guy is totally restricted from all things sweet and fatty. Take that for what it’s worth.

I’m all for trying new twists on familiar subjects but more often than not, they fail miserably like the Americanized 1998 Godzilla (who was awesomely killed off in 2004’s Godzilla: Final Wars), but I’m also not for torturing my taste buds. Sorry Nabisco, but we’ll always have the Creamsicle Oreo.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies per serving – 180 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Nabisco Coconut Delight Oreo Fudge Cremes reviews:
Fatguy Food Blog
Junk Food Guy
Foodette Reviews

Item: Nabisco Coconut Delight Oreo Fudge Cremes
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 11.3 ounce package
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: The cookie is crisp and definitely chocolate flavored. Cookie whores. Coconut is nutty. Trying to come up with positive things to say about this Oreo variety. American Godzilla getting vaporized by the Godzilla we all know and love. Oreo taking chances on different flavors.
Cons: Waxy chocolate, pasty creme and fake buttery flavor. Trying to find something positive in something terrible. Being restricted from all things sweet and fatty. Earth-Three Lex Luthor sucks.

Ah breakfast. The most important meal of the day if you ask any medical professional, and the fuel that gives athletes around the world the competitive edge when competing in the 2012 Summer Olympics. Team USA, par usual, has been dominating this year’s London Olympics, with golden boy swimmer Michael Phelps taking center stage once again. And what, praytell, fuels Phelps’ dolphin like speed?

Funny you should ask, because according to a Google search, it’s actually three fried egg sandwiches, three chocolate chip pancakes, a five-egg omelette, three buttered and sugared pieces of French Toast, and a bowl of good old fashioned grits. It’s just step one in a 12,000 calorie day feeding frenzy that would make Great White Sharks feel bloated.

Of course, for someone like me, whose most celebrated athletic accomplishment is breaking an eight minute mile, Kellogg’s has introduced 2012 Team USA cereal.

Don’t be fooled by the multicolored loops. This is no Froot Loops knockoff or Apple Jacks wannabe. No, these are red, blue, and yellowish rings of these here United States and its athletic prowess. Taking a look at the Collector’s Edition box, one can’t help be swept up in a mural of amber waves while imagining the sweet, seductive smell of victory over the Russian women’s gymnastics team.

Maybe that’s how the cereal smells in London, but on my couch watching the Olympics, I’m instead struck by the unmistakable smell of slightly cardboardy and artificial vanilla flavor. Clearly, Team USA had a slow surge off the blocks.

But that’s okay, right? I mean, even the Dream Team fights it out with Lithuania, but eventually Coach K gets Kobe, Durant and the boys to lay the hammer down on the road to Gold. That’s it, I figure. The smell is just the pregame warm-ups. Wait ‘till the hand goes down into the box. Then we’ll get down to business.

Or maybe not.

The texture makes about as much of an impact on my taste buds as Nova Scotia makes in the sport of beach volleyball. That’s to say it hardly registers. The dry crunch is virtually nonexistent, while there’s no glazed coating to provide that crisp, Froot Loops-like sweetness. A mediocre and artificial vanilla flavor hovers in the background, but overall, the sweetness seems to lack any pop. I find myself wanting some kind of fat in the ingredient list to crisp up the cereal, and something other than plain old sugar to give the cereal sweetness.

Okay, so we’re clearly falling behind here, but Team USA always rallies. So it’s time to go back for one final try and reach down deep, this time with milk.

Ugh. The results aren’t any better. Milk just turns the already light cereal soggy in a hurry, and not in that good soggy way that Life cereal gets. Little, if any, sweetness is transferred to the milk, and while the vanilla flavor is more pronounced, who has ever bought a Froot Loops-looking cereal for Vanilla flavor, anyway? Michael Phelps, in all his calorie laden breakfast glory, would not approve.

If Team USA cereal was competing in the mythical (but currently patent pending) Cereal Olympics, it wouldn’t even qualify in the prelims. Actually, I’m not sure it would even be allowed to compete. Masquerading as Froot Loops in much the same way that the 2004 U.S. Men’s basketball team masqueraded as the Dream Team, Team USA cereal does American breakfast eaters a disservice. With arguably half the calories per box as Michael Phelps’ breakfast, I think it’s safe to say it’s not the breakfast of champions, and won’t be leading me to athletic glory anytime soon.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 5 calories from fat, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Other Kellogg’s 2012 Team USA Cereal reviews:
Time for Cereal

Item: Kellogg’s 2012 Team USA Cereal
Purchased Price: $1.99 (on sale)
Size: 8-ounce box
Purchased at: Weis Markets
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Collector’s Edition Box. Fun Olympic athlete trading cards on the back-of-the-box.Only 110 calories and nine grams of sugar per serving. Decent vanilla flavor in milk. Imagining all the crap I could eat if I had Michael Phelps’ calorie needs.
Cons: More disappointing than the 2004 USA Men’s basketball team. Lacks pop in sweetness. Smells like cardboard. No fruit flavor. Lackluster crunch. Leaves skim milk end-milk that tastes too much like Skim Milk

I have a lot of pet peeves and I collect them like weird old Memaws who hoard those cloying Precious Moment figurines. What is with those scary things? They are always displayed on the dusty shelves of the entertainment center or a bannister. And those black empty dewy eyes staring at me (which I know are really portals to Hell)…it gives me the creeps enough to piss me off.

You know what else pisses me off? When I take a chip and dip it into a bowl of creamy French onion and it breaks off. I’m left staring at the other half stuck in a white thick pool like someone in quicksand. And then I take another potato chip hoping to rescue that one and it breaks too. And then I take another one…well, you get the idea.

By the end, there are so many potato shards sticking out of the bowl it looks like an unholy creation of the unhealthiest cereal ever made… and sometimes when no one is looking, inebriated and alone, I’ll take a spoon and eat it. I just need a chip that can withstand the simple act of dipping.

Ruffles Ultimate has provided the solution to that very problem. However, there is a slight catch because these are only for men. For those of you who drink Dr Pepper Ten, you now have something to eat while watching bum fight videos.

Now if a chip specifically made for the male gender sounds very stupid, it is. I’m not really sure what distinguishes these from the asexual kinds except for the vapid “bro-speak” that adorns the bag. The variety I bought is not just Jalapeño Ranch, they are also graced with “kickin’”.

Too cool for the letter “G” and apparently much too cool for women, hermaphrodites and anyone who isn’t man enough to eat these. Besides, sissies, these ain’t just Ruffles…these are Ruffles Ultimate (rolls eyes). I mean these are so manly that Maxim magazine, home of the ubiquitous 100 top hottest whatever lists, threw a party heralding the second coming of Christ in chip form.

If I sound jaded, I am, because it gets worse. Basically, we have potato chips for the Axe fragrance crowd.

There is a nice earthy musk that greets you when you open the bag. The chips are thicker and “tougher” like kettle chips on steroids. The ridges of the chips are comical as they look exaggerated and the grooves are deep, like miniature fjords. In fact, they appear like the way comic strip artists draw a ridged potato chip. The package even says in fake chalk writing, “Hardercore Ridges for Hardcore Dips.”

Hardercore? Yes, Frito-Lay not only introduced us to potato chips for a man but they gave us a new word as well. I can only wait for the inevitably Hardestcore snack that someone will manufacture to top it. Maybe it will be aimed at jacked up he-men with two penises (one for doing it and the other so he can take a leak while doing it because he is 110 percent man, yo! ONE HUNDRED TEN PERCENT!!).

Frito-Lay must think men are idiots because right on the bag is an arrow pointing to a jar of their hardcore dips like Ruffles Ultimate Smokehouse Bacon. “Oh, is that what they mean by dip??? I thought they meant the handicapped kid I picked on because I’m a real macho man!” (Note: If you do pick on people with handicaps, there is a special place in hell for you.)

There is also a Beef N’ Cheddar Ruffles Ultimate dip, and you know that’s definitely for a man because it’s “N”, not the wussy proper spelling “and.” Maybe I should change my name to “J’ff” because only wimps need that dopey “e.” All this aggro speak makes me want to smash stuff and urinate on something to mark my territory.

I mean, do you expect anything less? They have the gall to call these Ruffles the ULTIMATE version. The only ultimate thing these have accomplished is a huge failure. Sure they can withstand the dip. I’m pretty sure you can dip these in ice cream and they won’t break…but the taste is damn awful. The chips immediately have a grassy cucumber flavor which is revolting. I like a Pimm’s cup or a floral gin and cucumber cocktail every so often, but in a chip? It is disgusting.

Even though the oversized flecks of green are supposed to resemble its hardercore ranch, it has a faint ranch taste. The heat of the jalapeño is even more timid and flaccid. Seriously, people who like hot peppers treat jalapeño like candy. Granted, I am one of those people, but even for the ordinary consumer, the pepper should have way more fire. Disliking this chip is an understatement…I loathe it.

Is there anything positive? A few things come to mind. Now the weak heat lingers like a whining baby and the chip is not greasy which is surprising considering the hardercore thickness of these. Logically, these chips will not break on your average onion/ranch/southwestern chipotle cream blackbean bacon dip unless it is made of cement mix.

I must admit that I am getting damned tired of this new trend of food products aimed at men because it’s just dumb. I haven’t tried the other varieties of this Ultimate Hardercore chip, but I will be avoiding these chips like the way I avoid Diane Keaton movies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 10 chips – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 310 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars, and 2 grams of protein)

Other Ruffles Ultimate Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch reviews:
The French Ghost
Fatguy Food Blog

Item: Ruffles Ultimate Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch
Price: $4.29
Size: 8.0 ounce bag
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: It will stand up to dips and not break. It is not greasy. It will complete your image of a studly man’s man who is secretly insecure. Changing my name to J’ff. The idea of what one can do with two dingalings instead of one.
Cons: Grassy flavor. Flaccid heat. Food products made for men, Geeze give it up already. Bro speak. The only thing Ultimate is the failure these chips are. The word memaw…it’s not endearing, it’s sad. And those damned Precious Moment figurines which are really vessels to the Devil himself.

If you’re a parent and you give your child a Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate, you better make his or her bedtime a little later to make up for the mediocre snack you gave them. If you don’t, I hope he or she never hugs you again.

Sure, your kids won’t care, because they’re excited to get sugar, but by giving them this snack, you’re basically teaching them to settle, instead of demanding for something better. You wouldn’t want your child to settle for that woman who owns 24 cats or that guy who runs a product review blog, so why would you have them settle for a poor representation of the peanut butter and chocolate combination.

You’d think it’s impossible to mess up the merging of peanut butter and chocolate, which is the OG of sweet and salty combinations, but it tastes like Nabisco found a way. Maybe they have some kind of bet with Kellogg’s to see which company could make the least exciting peanut butter and chocolate product. The winner gets possession of the Cookie Cup, a bronzed cookie jar with the word “winner” etched into it.

The Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate box brags about how it’s “Made with real peanut butter,” but it’s not made with really good peanut butter. In between the cracker sandwich are two pencil-thin lines of the not really good peanut butter and a thicker line of not really good chocolate. The peanut butter smells like the cheap store-brand stuff and has a gritty consistency. The flavor of the chocolate, which is creamier than the peanut butter, reminds me of the crappy chocolate in a Sixlet.

They say two wrongs make a right, but those two wrongs in between two buttery, long Ritz crackers make a long wrong. I expected the peanut butter and chocolate to have a robust flavor, but they ended up having as much flavor as the crackers, and at times the cracker’s buttery flavor somewhat masked the PB&C. These Ritz Crackerfuls have to be one of the least satisfying peanut butter and chocolate products my taste buds have ever experienced.

While eating the first one, I thought for a second maybe I just got a bad one in the box, kind of like how you get a bad grape in the bunch, but after the second and third ones, I forced myself to drive to the store and buy some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups so my taste buds can remember what it’s like to have a peanut butter and chocolate combination that doesn’t suck.

Nabisco, which is owned by food and beverage conglomerate Kraft, could’ve used better quality stuff in this cracker sandwich, because Kraft also owns Planters, which makes peanuts and peanut butter, and Cadbury, which knows a thing or two about chocolate.

Usually the marriage of peanut butter and chocolate evokes excitement, but the Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate don’t do it for me. They aren’t completely disgusting, but I don’t want to eat the rest. I have three of them left and I think I want to crush them with my feet so that I can listen to the crackers crumble under my body’s weight, because if they aren’t going to satisfy my sense of taste, I think they should at least satisfy my sense of hearing.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oil

Other Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Not completely disgusting. 6 grams of whole grain per serving. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Cons: Crappy peanut butter. Crappy chocolate. One of the least exciting PB&C combination I’ve had. Settling for a mediocre PB&C experience. Allowing your child to experience Ritz Crackerfuls Peanut Butter & Chocolate. No hugs.