I’m extremely disappointed the Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly Candwich didn’t gross me out. I had high expectations that every bite I took of it would be a regrettable one, making me pause between bites so that my stomach could decide whether or not to allow the chewed pieces of food to go into my intestines or come back out from whence they came.

I wanted the Candwich to be a complete hermetically-sealed peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a can with a shelf life of 25 years, but instead the can contains the ingredients to build a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and it has a shelf life of one year.

One year?

Come on, America! This is the 21st century and we have preservative technology that goes way beyond the salting and pickling that our forefathers used. If Germany can create a cheeseburger in a can, then why can’t we have a complete peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a can?

What comes in a Candwich can are the four basic items you need to make a peanut butter sandwich: bread, peanut butter, jelly, and a knife. There’s also one basic item you need to include to make it appealing to children — a piece of Wonka’s Cherry Laffy Taffy. And, the can also includes one must have item if you’re going to put bread in a can and have it last for more than a year — a packet of oxygen absorbing FreshPax.

I would tell you more about FreshPax, but that would involve me reading about science, which hurts my brain. So click here if you want to learn more.

As you can see in the photo above, the bread is basically a hot dog bun, albeit a little bigger than your standard hot dog bun. However, unlike a hot dog bun, the bread is not pre-cut. So thank goodness for the included plastic knife. The packets of peanut butter and jelly contain ample amounts of spreadable condiments, so much so that if there was another piece of bread in the container there would’ve been enough for two sandwiches.

However, I’m glad there wasn’t a second sandwich, because I had a slightly hard time getting through one.

The bread is dense, but soft. It isn’t horrible tasting, but I have to say eating bread that lives longer than most Comedy Central shows is frickin’ weird and every bite I took of it was a hesitant one. As for the peanut butter and jelly, both are so bland that they make store brand peanut butter and jelly taste like Skippy and Smuckers. It’s not the worst peanut butter and jelly sandwich I’ve had, but it’s probably the only PB & J sandwich I’ve describe as “tolerable.”

As for the Wonka Cherry Laffy Taffy, I have to say it makes a decent Candwich chaser.

According to the packaging, Candwiches are “Great for School Lunch” and “KIDS Love Them.” I’m sure they’re great for school lunches and, mathematically, there have to be kids who love them, but I don’t think I would give my child a Candwich, if I had children. Sure, a Candwich would give children the opportunity to build their lunch, but don’t kids have enough to build nowadays, like Lego kits, iTunes playlists, dioramas, and relationships with their classmates.

Also, I don’t know if I’d trust some kids with a plastic knife. If they’re clever and stuck with a Candwich they don’t want, they could not only use the knife to cut the bread and spread the peanut butter and jelly, they could also use it to threaten a classmate to trade lunches with them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 480 calories, 200 calories from fat, 22 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 510 milligrams of sodium, 63 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.)

Other Candwich reviews:
The Lunch Tray
I Hate My Messageboard

Dude Foods

Item: Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly Candwich
Price: $10.00
Size: 4-pack
Purchased at: markonefoods.com
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tolerable. Packets contain enough PB & J for two sandwiches. Cherry Laffy Taffy makes a decent Candwich chaser. Comes with a knife to cut bread, spread condiments, and threaten others for their food.
Cons: Not a complete hermetically-sealed peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a can. Only one year shelf life. Eating bread that has a long shelf life is weird. Peanut butter and jelly are really bland. Bread is not pre-cut.

The people running Subway might be the greatest salesmen in the world. They’ve positioned their sandwiches as health foods solely on the strength of one erstwhile fat guy’s crazy diet, and the five-dollar footlong campaigns have been so successful that they could actually ruin both the fast food and porn industries in one fell swoop. Subway’s marketing department has even had success in generating great publicity in fictional worlds, as seen by their support of Happy Gilmore’s epic quest to save his grandmother’s house and hook up with the hot blonde mom from Modern Family. At this point it almost feels ridiculous to doubt Subway’s ability to sell any and all of its products; you’re better off trying to dispute people’s enthusiasm for the new Harry Potter movie, hipsters’ willingness to wear sweaters in the summer, or my ability to use three sloppy analogies in a row.

And yet… I had doubts that a BBQ pulled pork sandwich could work at Subway. A pulled pork sandwich seems fundamentally different from all of Subway’s previous limited edition releases. Making a good pulled pork sandwich feels like it would require significantly more expertise than most other sandwiches. Also, judging by the number of hours dedicated to barbecue on the Food Network, people have a love for pulled pork that just doesn’t exist for, say, cold cut combos, so it would be extra disappointing if Subway did a poor job with a foodie-favorite. Finally, the sandwich costs $8.00, and at that price point you might as well spend the extra $2 and order two footlongs, which gets you double the porn jokes AND all your sodium for the week!

The process of actually ordering the sandwich did little to allay my doubts. The pulled pork was held in the same type of container as the tuna, which meant it was scooped out ice cream-style. I had assumed the pork would be held in the microwaveable cardboard trays; instead, the only heating the meat got was from the toasting of the overall sandwich. I watched in quiet anticipation of the barbecue sauce being added, but the woman behind the counter took my silence to mean I was satisfied with the current contents of my sandwich, and she began to wrap it up before I realized I had to specifically ask for the barbecue sauce. I suppose the Sandwich Artists can occasionally put together a masterpiece, but the output of this particular experience felt more like a poorly-followed color-by-numbers worksheet.

By the time I sat down to actually eat, expectations were remarkably low. The pulled pork sandwich beat those expectations, though not by much. The pork was fairly flavorful, if a bit too salty, but the paste-like texture was rather unpleasant. I think the meat really could have benefited from a brief blast in the microwave, which possibly would have melted some fat and added some juiciness. The barbecue sauce was solid, with a nice smokiness and not too much sweetness, but because it was added last and not mixed in with the pulled pork, I was always acutely aware that I was eating “pulled pork with BBQ sauce on top” and not “BBQ pulled pork.”

Would I buy Subway’s BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich again? Probably not. Then again, I wouldn’t count out the Subway marketing team just yet. There could be some new jingle or a movie promotional tie-in that convinces me otherwise. Who knows, maybe they could even help make Adam Sandler movies funny again (but don’t hold your breath on that one).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 570 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 56 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 30% calcium, and 25% iron.)

Other Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich reviews:
Brand Eating
The BBQ Grail
Tampa Bay Food Monster

Item: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
Price: $8.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Pulled pork was flavorful. Barbecue sauce was smoky and not too sweet. Subway’s marketing department. Old Adam Sandler movies.
Cons: Pulled pork was paste-like. Pork wasn’t heated up at all. Barbecue sauce wasn’t mixed in with the meat. Sandwich Artistry. The potential ruination of the porn industry. New Adam Sandler movies.

Oh, Fiber One Brownies – how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways:

…

…..

Let’s start over.  It was the best of brownies; it was the worst of brownies.  Well, actually not so much “best”…

…..

Fiber One Brownies, I love you true; you keep me thin, you make me–

Hmm.

You know, sometimes a clever intro just isn’t happening.  (Some would argue that for me they NEVER happen.)  Let’s just move on.

As past reviews will attest, I’m generally not very good about what I eat.  Way too much soda, red meat, and sugary products, and not nearly enough stuff that is statistically less hazardous for you than rat poison.  Fiber One Brownies are an attempt at a compromise, finding something that won’t kill me and might actually make me healthier without requiring the slightest change in diet.  Because I’m an American, dammit, and if you think I’m not eating what I want when I want, you can get the hell back to Russia, commie.  Some of you may consider that jingoistic, but ask yourselves this: where’s my scotch?  Come on, scotch, you and I need to get this review done by toml;djknsado;aodnj

While the idea of a low-calorie dessert that also tastes awesome is obviously going to appeal to everyone, I think most of us are rightly skeptical of such products, as 9 times out of 10 they taste like urinal cakes rather than the thing they’re trying to emulate.  So I went in with understandable trepidation, yet also hopes that this would be the product to reverse the trend.  Visually they look okay — kind of small, but for 90 calories you’re probably not expecting a massive brick of chocolate.  But in terms of taste?  Put it this way: I’m halfway through each box, and I’ll let you know when I get to a good one.

I think “moist” is an adjective most people would use to describe their ideal brownies and towelettes, and it’s also the last word you’d use in reference to Fiber One Brownies.  “Like they mixed coffee grounds in with the recipe” would be a more apt descriptor.  They’re basically the dessert equivalent of the saltine challenge.  You just might be able to eat six in a minute, but if they don’t dehydrate your mouth, they’ll be dehydrating you in an entirely different way in the near future.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, that means you should definitely try it.  Let me know how that works out.

The peanut butter ones do carry a peanut butter taste, but it seems to coexist alongside the chocolate instead of melding together.  It’s like a gentrified country club that reluctantly agrees to allow minorities in, but then refuses to talk to them and pretends they aren’t there.  And yes, I just compared peanut butter to racist WASPs, which should tell you just how uninspired this peanut butter is.  And how very, very far I’ll go to stretch a metaphor.

The chocolate fudge variety is slightly better just by virtue of not trying to mix together two flavors that seem bound and determined to fight each other.  There’s just a hint of fudge flavor underlying the chocolate, which I don’t blame them for because for 90 calories, I had assumed one of the packaging machines was operated by a guy who once heard about fudge from a friend.  It’s a bit less dry than the peanut butter kind, though actually using the word “moist” on the back of the package is still an exaggeration gross enough to merit at least three lawsuits.  Still, I suppose if you’ve only got 90 calories left to spare for lunch and you work at one of those places that frowns on drinking light beer at your desk, there are worse options out there.  Not many, but some.

Between this review and Stephanie’s shit fit from the other day, it may seem like we’re beating up on Fiber One lately.  But really, it’s their own fault for sucking.  Sure it’s impressive that the products are so low calorie and will probably induce you to lose at least half of that, but if they taste bad, I can just eat celery and not pretend I’m getting dessert out of it.  I suppose these are useful for people who are mentally hung up on the idea of needing dessert but don’t have the calories to spare, but everyone else can safely take a pass.  Your colon may not thank you, but your taste buds will.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 brownie – Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownie – 90 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.  Chocolate Fudge Brownie – 90 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies reviews:
Foodette Reviews

Item: Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies (Chocolate Peanut Butter and Chocolate Fudge)
Price: 2 for $5.00 (on sale)
Size: 6 brownies
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownie)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Chocolate Fudge Brownie)
Pros: Low calorie.  Small, so easy to transport.  Visually acceptable.  Tasty hint of fudge.  Cheaper than a colonoscopy.
Cons: Non-clever intros.  Coffee ground brownies.  Moist as a hot sidewalk in July.  Racist peanut butter.  Fiber dehydration.  Stretching metaphors like a woodchuck stuck in a taffy machine.

Eating high-fiber cereal has turned me into a cranky old lady. I’m not a fan of Fiber One cereal as a brand, so I wasn’t exactly excited to try this new variety, Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares. To be frank, this breakfast item’s only drawing power is the fact that it’s 80 calories per serving. So now it helps you shit and keeps you fit. We are indeed living in a golden age.

The problem I have with this brand is simple: Contrary to the ads, I can actually taste the fiber in Fiber One cereals. With this particular version, I had taken my cue from the appearance of the little cereal squares and was expecting something more along the lines of Golden Grahams, but alas, it was healthier than that. Much, much healthier. Which means not as delicious.

Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares may slightly mimic the flavor of Golden Grahams in much smaller-sized pieces, however, it looks a lot better than it tastes. The texture is grainy, bordering on cardboard. However, there is a light sweetness that almost rescues it from the depths of blandness. But what did I expect? It says right on the box that each serving contains 40 percent of your daily value of fiber. They ain’t Frosted Flakes.

I shouldn’t complain. Eating hearty, fiber-rich cereal will prolong my life, but dagnabbit, I really don’t care for the weird after-taste. It seriously ruins the experience. The more I chomp on each crunchy piece, the faster the sweetness evaporates, and I’m left with a mouthful of flavorless ground-up wheat particles. Ugh. Not to mention the other thing this cereal does. You know what I’m talking about. I’ll just say this — If you need that much help eliminating waste from your body, you have some serious problems that no amount of eensy-weensy golden fiber squares will fix on their own. Just… go take a freaking walk or something every now and then. Drink some water and eat a goddamn vegetable. Sorry, poop talk also brings out the grouch in me.

Which brings me to another point… Is there truly a need for Fiber One cereal that’s under 80 calories? I mean, you certainly can’t eat more than one serving of the original kind, and this leaner version is no different. You won’t get away with packing away half the box in one sitting. Try eating more than one serving of this cereal and see how long you can go before you’re doubled over with stomach cramps as the 10+ grams of fiber scour their way through your intestinal tract, leaving everything in their wake as clean as a whistle.

Fun times. In the john. On the bright side, you’re certain to feel much lighter. Wheee! Dieting is so easy! Now get off my lawn.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup– 80 calories, 5 calories from fat, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams polyunsaturated fat, 70 milligrams of potassium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 40% calcium, 25% iron, and lots of vitamins and minerals.)

Other Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Cereal reviews:
I Ate A Pie

Item: Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Cereal
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 11.75 ounces
Purchased at: Pavilions
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Chock-full of fiber. Shaped liked fun mini squares. Only 80 calories per serving. Slightly sweet with Golden Grahams-like flavor.
Cons: Cardboard-like texture. Cannot (and must not) capitalize on its low number of calories by eating more of it. Not as delicious as Golden Grahams. Cranky old ladies. Good for weight loss, but the first pounds you drop may be in the can.

When I die, I hope my tombstone doesn’t say, “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts,” even though I have eaten way too many Pop-Tarts.

Oh wait, I’m being cremated, so I hope my urn isn’t etched with “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts” or my body isn’t burned into ashes using a giant toaster oven.

If humans didn’t poop, I would have more variety of Pop-Tarts in my body than any grocery store on the planet. Just look at all the different Pop-Tarts I’ve eaten and reviewed over the years in a convenient linked list that totally looks like a ploy to increase this blog’s page views:

• Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts
• Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts
• Limited Edition Gingerbread Printed Fun Pop-Tarts
• Limited Edition Pumpking Pie Pop-Tarts
• Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts
• Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts
• 20% Fiber Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts
• Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts
• Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts
• Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts
• Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts
• Hello Kitty Meow Berry Pop-Tarts
• GoTarts
• Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts
• Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts
• Cookie and Cream Pop-Tarts
• Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix Pop-Tarts
• French Toast Pop-Tarts
• Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts
• Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts
• S’more Pop-Tarts

If this list of Pop-Tarts flavors was instead a list of women I’ve slept with, I would be considered a manwhore and probably have/had spread an STD or two. Or three. Or everything that’s listed in the Oxford American Handbook of Clinical Medicine.

The latest Pop-Tarts flavor that has allowed me to add another notch to the side of my toaster is the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts.

If you look at the photo below, you’ll notice Kellogg’s is being very generous by calling these Pop-Tarts “frosted.” There’s no doubt that there’s frosting on top, but instead of a layer of it like with other frosted Pop-Tarts, it’s drizzled on much like you’d find on many actual cherry turnovers. This amount of frosting is equivalent to the amount of skin a Wicked Weasel bikini covers, which is just enough to make you wonder, “Why bother?”

There has been a regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts for some time now with a proper layer of frosting on top. I thought the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts would taste exactly the same. So in order to find out, I increased my chances for Type II diabetes by picking up a box and eating regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts.

After tasting both, the difference in flavor reminds me of the time my parents switched my usual Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts with Blueberry Pop-Tarts without frosting. Back then, my young taste buds could notice a significant difference. The unfrosted one was less sweet, the blueberry flavor was less pronounced, and the lack of sweetness and flavor made me cry until my parents could produce in front of me a Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart.

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tart is also less sweet and the cherry flavor is less pronounced than a regular cherry Pop-Tart. It’s as if the Pop-Tart’s nearly unfrosted crust doesn’t want the cherry to pop. But when I could taste the cherry filling, it didn’t have any artificial taste to it, which I guess there shouldn’t be since it’s made with real fruit (not only dried cherries, but also dried apples).

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts are a disappointment and I’m glad they’re a limited edition. However, if you try them and adore them, don’t fret about them being limited edition. Even though they don’t taste exactly alike, grab a box of regular Cherry Pop-Tarts, scrape off the frosting, steal the frosting packet from a box of Toaster Strudels, drizzle some of it on top of the naked Pop-Tart, and there you go. The limited edition is limited no more.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.79
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s a limited edition. The box might be worth $1.99 in a future eBay auction. Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts. Wicked Weasel bikinis.
Cons: Disappointing flavor. It has frosting, but really can’t be considered frosted. Being burned in a giant toaster oven. The difference between frosted and unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Kellogg’s still making unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Lame attempts to gain page views.

If you truly love your children, you will not make them shave a particular area on your body as one of their chores and you will not buy them Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal.

Even if they beg, whine, cry, threaten to run away, tell you they don’t love you anymore, or refuse to shave that small patch of hair on your back you have trouble reaching, you shouldn’t buy this poor excuse for a sugary kids’ cereal.

I don’t care if the cereal would be perfect in your child’s Disney Pixar Cars 2 bowl on top of their Disney Pixar Cars 2 placemat, which is next to their Disney Pixar Cars 2 backpack that has their Disney Pixar Cars 2 folders and Disney Pixar Cars 2 pencils. If you want your children to experience sugary cereals that they’ll be slightly ashamed of eating when they’re in their 30′s, please don’t try to do it with Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal.

There are so many better sugary kids’ cereals you can give your child, like Cocoa Pebbles, Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, Fruity Pebbles, Smorez, Cocoa Puffs, Honeycomb, Trix, Frosted Flakes, Count Chocula…Oh dear, I think I just got a cavity and gained a pound from typing that list.

So what’s wrong with Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal? It’s as boring and confusing as the description printed on its box, which reads, “Frosted Multigrain Cereal with Red-Circled Fun.” I know the “red-circled fun” they’re talking about is the red-colored cereal, but is that really the best way to describe it? Because the only other red-circled fun I can think of are hickeys, and they’re a lot more fun than red-colored cereal.

The cereal stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time, but it tastes kind of like Cheerios, which isn’t a good thing since when it comes to good sugary kids’ cereals, the boring-flavored Cheerios doesn’t come to mind.

I thought with the red-colored cereal it would have a flavor from a red-colored fruit, like cherries, apples, strawberries, watermelon, raspberries, cranberries, pomegranate…Oh dear, I think I just met the new USDA dietary recommendations by typing that list. However, the Red #40-dyed cereal tastes exactly like the Red #40-less tan cereal.

This is disappointing to me, but I think it’s going to be more disappointing for a child. If they’re regular eaters of sugary kids’ cereals, they’re used to the idea that red-colored cereals have a fruity flavor. So when they put this cereal in their mouth, they’re probably not going to like it and say so using whatever new words they learned on the school playground.

Best case scenario: Crap.

Worst case scenario: What the fuck is this shit?

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (just cereal) – 100 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal
Price: $3.29
Size: 10.9 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: 12 grams of whole grain per serving. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. If you like Cheerios, it kind of tastes like Cheerios. Giving hickeys.
Cons: It tastes like Cheerios. Red cereal tastes like the tan cereal. Poor excuse for a sugary kids’ cereal. You children learning new vocabulary words on the playground. Won’t satisfy those who like their cereals sweet. Trying to hide hickeys.