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REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies

Written by | April 10, 2014

Topics: 8 Rating, Cookies, Oreo

Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies

Milk.

It provides our bodies with calcium. It makes our cereal soggy. It does the body good. In some people, it can cause gastrointestinal issues. It’s the co-star in way too many Gallon Milk Challenge and Gallon Smashing YouTube videos. It’s the reason why there are hundreds of “Got Milk?” rip-offs on bumper stickers and t-shirts, like “Got Muscle?”, “Got Beer?”, “Got Weed?”, and “Got Balls?”. And it’s what we’ve dunked our Oreo cookies into for decades.

But I’m not sure milk is the appropriate liquid to dunk these Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies in. That, obviously, would be fruit punch.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, “What weirdo would dunk Oreo cookies into fruit punch?” Well, who has two thumbs and a Pyrex measuring cup filled with fruit punch that has Golden Oreo cookie crumbs floating on top?

This guy!

Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies Dunk

For some of you, the idea of just eating Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies sounds gross. It seems like a flavor a food scientist would come up with after drinking a few too many glasses of spiked fruit punch.

And for many of you, the thought of dunking these Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies into fruit punch and then eating the cookie probably sounds even worse. But having done both, I have to say they are not gross.

Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies Closeup

From the moment I opened the packaging to the last bit of chewed cookie going down my gullet, I experienced fruit punch. Its smell is spot on. Its flavor is spot on. The color of its Red 40-enhanced creme is spot on. Its texture…well, it’s a cookie so it’s not going to be spot on.

Companies have different interpretations of fruit punch, but the Fruit Punch Oreo cookie’s creme tastes exactly like a product I’ve had in the past. Sadly, I can’t remember what it was (I’m thinking it could be a Popsicle), but the creme has a nice cherry, citrusy flavor, which is also very potent. So if you’re one of those people who really loves to say the word “cloyingly,” these cookies will make your linguistic side happy. I thought the crunchy Golden Oreo wafer would dampen the creme’s flavor, but it does not.

However, even though I can see the fruit punch flavor being a little strong for some, I think these Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies are so wonderful that they make me want to strip off my clothes, paint my entire body red, draw a smiling face on my belly with the thickest Sharpie pen using my belly button as a nostril, and then burst through a wall yelling, “Oh yeah!”

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies
Purchased Price: $4.99*
Size: 12.2 oz.
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Spot on fruit punch aroma, flavor, and color. Has a nice cherry, citrusy flavor. Dunking them into fruit punch is surprisingly not bad. Makes me want to get naked.
Cons: Fruit punch creme might be too potent for some. It’s limited edition and available only at Walmart. Dunking them into milk is probably not a good idea. Makes me want to get naked.

*I had to purchase these on eBay because they were hard to find in my area, but you’ll probably pay somewhere between $2.50 and $3.50, if you buy them at Walmart, where they’re an exclusive flavor.

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REVIEW: McDonald’s Bacon Clubhouse Burger

Written by | March 21, 2014

Topics: 8 Rating, Fast Food, McDonald's

McDonald's Bacon Clubhouse Burger

Ronald McDonald clicked his pen. It was the first sound that caught his attention, even though the third quarter numbers had been flying around the conference room for half an hour. A uni-ball Jetstream. Click. The muffled adult-Peanuts voices chorused into a wave of nonsense. Click. Outside the window he could see a hawk. Click. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple knocked against his tie knot. Click. Ronald darkened his previously doodled Stussy “S” on his notepad. Click. Ronald gave a tiny nod. Click.

So another McDonald’s burger finally has special sauce. The Bacon Clubhouse Burger sports a new bun, bacon, and caramelized onions on top of the special sauce. That seems like it should be a bigger deal that McDonald’s put their formerly exclusive Big Mac topping on another thing. Maybe it’s not because customers can ask for it literally any time as a condiment and put it on any sandwich. Or even things that aren’t sandwiches. Bring it home. Put it on some Brussels sprouts. Put it on your cat. Put it on as a facemask, Mrs. Doubtfire style (Hellooo!). Or maybe freeing the sauce is not a big deal because it’s flanked by so many other new components that work together to make a pretty damn good fast food burger. Teamwork, guys. But f’reals, on this Miami Heat of a burger the special sauce is LeBron*.

The bun. Oh, the bun. So soft, so buttery. It sets the tone for the entire sandwich and is probably the softest roll in recent fast food memory. The bun of a burger is like a mattress. You want to have a good one if you’re gonna spend most of your time sleeping on/eating it. Though if the bun is the bed, there’s one hell of a mating ritual going on inside. The special sauce lends a light tang, never overpowering.

McDonald's Bacon Clubhouse Burger Topless

The caramelized onions are sweet and deepen the flavor of the sauce, combining with the slice of creamy white cheddar to coat the burger in a very full taste. The pieces of bacon show up every once in a while too, crispy and adding a bit of a salt kick. The sweetness of the sauce-onion combo overshadows the potential smoke and sugar power of the bacon a bit, but the pig also serves as a good textural change of pace. The tomato is fine. The lettuce is fine. Sorry, you guys don’t get in on the mattress fun, but you can watch if you like.

The actual burger patty is tricky. McDonald’s is using their Quarter Pounder patty here, and as any frequent McDonald’s patron knows, sometimes the meat can be a crapshoot. I ate two Bacon Clubhouse Burgers for this review and the first time I was treated to a rubbery, dry disc that really highlighted a problem. With this burger, McDonald’s is setting itself up to compete with other “fancy” burgers, and while the toppings elevate the Bacon Clubhouse in taste, it left me desiring some decent beef. It was like putting lipstick on a pig. I guess that’s a bit confusing, considering there’s actual swine on this. It was like putting lipstick on Robin Williams (It was a run by fruiting!).

The second time I had the burger it was leagues better. The meat was moist and served as a nice base for the meal. The problem remained, though. The star was most definitely the melded combination of toppings and the bun and not the flimsy, thin protein. Nothing like some so-so cow to remind us we’re still eating McDonald’s. That being said, both times I was very impressed by the depth of flavors in the sandwich and I think that it might be the best burger on the menu in a long time, if not ever.

*LeBron James is special sauce. Erik Spoelstra is the bun. Dwyane Wade is bacon. Chris Bosh is caramelized onions. Shane Battier is white cheddar. Ray Allen is tomato. The beef is Mario Chalmers. Lettuce is Norris Cole.

(Nutrition Facts – 720 calories, 360 calories from fat, 40 grams of fat, 15 grams saturated fat, 1.5 grams trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 1470 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar, 4 grams of fiber, 39 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Bacon Clubhouse Burger
Purchased Price: $4.69
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great flavors. Cheese, special sauce, onions combine to elevate burger to next level. Burger bun is so soft.
Cons: Burger patty is unimproved.

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REVIEW: Tim Hortons Pretzel Bagel

Written by | March 17, 2014

Topics: 8 Rating, Fast Food, Tim Hortons

Tim Hortons Pretzel Bagel 1

I think I’ve mentioned before that, despite being a Canadian and thus being obligated to love Tim Hortons, I’m just not a big fan. That’s not to say that I hate the place, but I don’t drink coffee, and there are only a handful of their doughnuts that I actually enjoy (including the tragically departed Walnut Crunch — good night sweet prince; you were too beautiful for this world).

I won’t even go into their savoury foods, which I will charitably describe as hit-and-miss.

So it was with some trepidation that I tried their pretzel bagel. It seems like an odd idea, though soft pretzels are already somewhat bagel-like, so it’s actually not such a weird amalgamation. Pretzels and bagels are even prepared in a similar way; in each case, the dough is boiled before baking.

I tried it a couple of ways. The signage for the bagel says to try it with their new mustard spread (described on the bill, oddly, as “Mustard Butter”). So I ate the first one in the store, toasted and spread with the mustard.

Tim Hortons Pretzel Bagel 2

I also took a couple home to try plain; this is where the bagel really shined. Fresh, with a lightly crisp exterior and a chewy interior, it is addictive. I tore off a piece of one in the car just to see what it tasted like plain, and it was so good that I wound up eating the entire thing right there and then. It basically tastes like a really good soft pretzel, but with a bit more heft.

The toasted bagel didn’t fare quite as well. The toasting turns the lightly crisp exterior full-out crunchy, and makes the bagel’s interior less chewy and more fluffy. It becomes a different beast altogether, and one I didn’t enjoy nearly as much. I also think all the rock salt fell off in the toaster; the untoasted ones had quite a bit on top (which added a welcome punch of flavour), but the toasted one was pretty much naked.

As for the mustard spread, it had a buttery, weakly mustardy flavour that was far too mild to make much of an impact. Maybe it would have worked if there had been about double the amount, but as it was it was pretty useless.

If you’re a fan of soft pretzels, this is a complete no-brainer. I can pretty much guarantee you’ll like it. Skip the mustard and skip the toasting; just order the bagel as-is and take a bite. You’ll thank me later. It’s basically like a pretzel and a bagel had a baby in the best way possible, and it’s quite possibly the best thing I’ve ever had from Tim Hortons.

(Nutrition Facts – Bagel – 310 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 780 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fibre, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein. Mustard Spread (12 grams) – 60 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 85 milligrams of sodium, and 0.2 grams of protein,.)

Item: Tim Hortons Pretzel Bagel
Purchased Price: $1.19 CAN
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Tim Hortons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Lightly crisp exterior. Delightfully chewy, flavourful interior. Tastes like a really good soft pretzel.
Cons: Toasting kind of ruins it. Mustard spread has a weak flavour and is completely superfluous. The Walnut Crunch is gone (this has nothing to do with this bagel, it’s more of a general life con).

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QUICK REVIEW: Nabisco Chewy Chips Ahoy! Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Creations

Written by | March 11, 2014

Topics: 8 Rating, Chips Ahoy!, Cookies

Nabisco Chewy Chips Ahoy! Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Creations

Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 9.5 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Divine minty chocolate flavor that’s familiar if you enjoy Andes Crème de Menthe. Wonderful minty chocolate aroma that makes me want to see if any of my Facebook friends have a daughter selling Girl Scout Cookies. The cookies look like they’re rocks from the planet Vrizledor, thanks to the mint green chips and chocolate cookie. The photo below may not make it seem like it, but (almost) every cookie was crammed with mint chips. Crammed with chocolate chips.
Cons: Still prefer Thin Mints over these to satisfy my mint and chocolate cookie cravings, but these will suffice when it’s not Girl Scout Cookie season. They’re not as interesting as the Chips Ahoy Root Beer Float Ice Cream Creations.

Nabisco Chewy Chips Ahoy! Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Creations Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 2 cookies – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.

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REVIEW: Magnum Infinity Chocolate & Raspberry Ice Cream Bar

Written by | March 3, 2014

Topics: 8 Rating, Ice Cream, Magnum

Magnum Infinity Chocolate & Raspberry Ice Cream Bars

Sometimes, I wish my tonsils had just been removed. I could be sitting in bed, relaxed and comfortable, looking over at my two freshly removed tonsils floating happily in a small jar while my doctor tells me that the operation went fine. Who cares that I know very little about the entire tonsil removal procedure, or for that matter, the purpose or function of those tiny glands, I just want them out.

I say this because, growing up, everything I knew about this minimally invasive surgical procedure came from stories told by my friends and classmates. From what I could interpret based on recess and bus-ride gossip—overlooking the actual procedure itself—was one very important fact: There would be ice cream. Not just once, or twice as a treat, but all the time. As a little dude, that was all I needed to hear. Sign me up for ice cream nirvana.

Little has changed now that I am a fully formed adult-ish person. My knowledge of tonsil removal remains minimal at best (although a quick Google search put some unwanted images in my head) and, more importantly, my love of ice cream remains unfaltering. For this reason, when the new Magnum Infinity Chocolate & Raspberry Ice Cream Bars finally made their way into my supermarket after being exclusively available in the U.K. since 2012, even with two perfectly intact tonsils, I figured I deserved a treat.

‘Magnum Infinity’ sounds like a new Lexus model or a spaceship, everything about these fancy bars exhume class and distinction. Forget about your plebeian Poland Springs and Dasani, it’s time to grab the Perrier because there is about to be some West Egg new-money shizz going down. And, at the price of $6 for a total of three ice cream bars, you had better feel goddamn fancy.

Magnum Infinity Chocolate & Raspberry Ice Cream Bars Closeup

Delivering on its promises to make you feel sophisticated while cramming in 60 percent of your daily value of saturated fat while watching Cheers on syndication in that t-shirt with the questionable stain (it’s probably just jelly, right?), Magnum Infinity Chocolate and Raspberry Ice Cream Bars deliver in all the best ways.

Each individual bar, although a bit on the smaller side, is coated in a pleasantly rich dark chocolate that is thin enough to leave the main stage for the ice cream itself, but thick enough not to crumble off leaving the rest of bar exposed. Moreover, providing an interesting texture to the dark chocolate outside are what Magnum, for some reason, has decided to call “cocoa bean bibs,” which sound as hilarious and they are delicious.

Magnum Infinity Chocolate & Raspberry Ice Cream Bars Innards

Yet, all the cocoa bean nibs in the world could not save an ice cream bar that didn’t have the actual ice cream to back it up. Luckily, the dark chocolate ice cream at the core of these Magnum Infinity bars certainly does the job. It is dense and almost fudgy, which is just how I like my chocolate ice cream, and the raspberry swirl, though not as visible as the box’s picture might lead you to assume, certainly provides a nice fruity karate kick to the entire bar.

As Target is to Walmart and Staples is to Office Max, compared to the majority of other grocery store ice cream bars, Magnum Infinity is a clear one notch above the rest. And, while I do wish that each bar was a bit larger, it certainly has the quality to justify both its packaging and slightly higher price tag. Now I just need to see about getting myself a bag of those nibs.

Phew… I made it through the entire review without making a single condom joke.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 260 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Magnum Infinity Chocolate & Raspberry Ice Cream Bar
Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: 3 bars/box
Purchased at: Stop & Shop
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice raspberry flavor and dark chocolate dip. Makes you feel sophisticated. The fact that cocoa bean nibs are a thing. Pretty much nibs in general.
Cons: Small serving size. Pricey.

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