The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets definitely aren’t helping subside the occasional nightmares I have of an attacking McDonald’s McRib that suddenly appears during the wet dream REM stage of my slumber. This 100% vegan riblet looks like a beefed up, or Super Sized, if you will, version of what’s in between the McRib’s buns.

It’s like my head is trying to recreate the typical Friday the 13th movie scene where a couple is making out in either the forest, middle of Crystal Lake, bedroom or backseat of a car, then Jason Voorhees pops out and kills them both with his machete in the most gruesome way possible.

Also, in my nightmares, the McRib is oinking and for some reason the chase scene is done in Baywatch-boobie-jiggling slow motion while the Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” plays in the background. The nightmare always ends the same way with the McRib eating me with onions and pickles in between a roll. Shortly after that, I wake up and regret my decision to eat fast food a couple of hours before falling asleep.

The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets may look like the pork patty found in a McRib, which is a sandwich I’m not a fan of, but despite that fact, I really did enjoy these veggie riblets. If you’re expecting them to taste like pork ribs, you will be disappointed, but they do look like meat on the outside and inside.

If you feel you won’t like it because there’s no meat in it, I think your mouth will be pleasantly surprised and not repulsively surprised, like when you close your eyes and stick your face in front of a hole in the side of a public restroom stall. What makes these riblets so tasty is the sweet and smoky barbeque sauce they come drenched in, which masks the fact that you’re eating a soy protein patty shaped like a McRib.

Because they’re made from soy protein, they’re low in fat; high in protein, potassium and dietary fiber; and they make you look a little sexier to vegetarians when they see it in your cart. Consider it the vegan version of Axe body spray.

While heating a riblet in the microwave, the wonderful smell of the barbeque sauce will fill the air. Feel free to silently fart at that time, because no one will notice the smell. The product that comes out of the microwave looks very similar to what’s pictured above, which is quite rare for microwaved foods (you can also stick them in a conventional oven). Its shape makes you think there’s bones in it, just like the McRib, but it’s boneless since it’s made from soy protein, which also makes them easy to cut through without the use of a knife or machete.

The only bad things I have to say about this product are that the sodium content is quite high, I’m disappointed that there were only two riblets in the box and they will help perpetuate my McDonald’s McRib nightmares.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 riblet with sauce – 220 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 580 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein, 10% calcium and 15% iron.)

(NOTE: Greg at Freezer Burns, the best frozen food review vlogger of Asian ethnicity named Greg in the world, also reviewed it.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets
Price: $5.49
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting faux meat product I’ve ever eaten. Tasty barbeque sauce. 100% vegan. No saturated fat. High in protein. Five grams of dietary fiber. Good source of potassium (fuck B-A-N-A-N-A-S). Don’t need a knife to cut it.
Cons: Helps perpetuate my McRib nightmares. Only two per box. Somewhat high in sugar and sodium. No instructions for heating two at a time in the microwave. Being tricked into putting your face in front of a gloryhole. A killer McRib popping up in the middle of my wet dreams.

Remember when low-carb foods were the big food trend?

You couldn’t walk down an aisle in your local supermarket without running into a food that claimed it was LOW-CARB in, ironically, fat letters. But the oddest thing about this craze was finding low-carb versions of items that were nothing but carbs, like low-carb pasta and low-carb bread.

That trend fortunately died, or lost so much weight with its own low-carb diet that it can no longer be seen, but it seems in its dying moments it passed the food trend torch to high-fiber foods, like the Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts, which I feel is extremely dangerous because, as we all know, too much fiber can lead to flatulence and too much flatulence near a torch leads to a flamethrower.

Despite the pyromaniacal possibilities with high-fiber foods, I’m excited about the fiber content in these Pop-Tarts. Although it’s sad the fiber it provides excites me more than the fact that it’s a frosted chocolate fudge Pop-Tart. If I were 20 years younger, I’m sure the focus of my delight would be reversed and I would shrug my shoulders to the five grams of fiber in each Pop-Tart while I chomp my way through its toasted, gooey goodness.

With this particular version of Pop-Tarts, Kellogg’s has successfully made them slightly healthier, without making them taste healthier. They attempted the same thing last year with their line of whole grain Pop-Tarts, which were good, but had a slightly off-putting, grainy texture. This Pop-Tarts variation doesn’t have that same texture, despite having the same amount of whole grains, but its crust did seem a little more fragile.

Even with five grams of fiber and 16 grams of whole grains, it tasted exactly like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. It had a great chocolate flavor and if you were to give one of these to a 13-year-old version of me, I definitely wouldn’t know that it has 20% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. Although if I ate all eight pastries in one sitting, I would definitely know I consumed 160% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. And so would the people around me.

If that does happen, I hope I’m not near a torch.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and several vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.79
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. Great chocolate taste. Sixteen grams of whole grain in each pastry. Provides 20% of my daily intake of fiber in each pastry. Vitamin and minerals.
Cons: Contains high fructose corn syrup. Crust is slightly more fragile that regular Pop-Tarts. Being excited about fiber. Eating an entire box of these Pop-Tarts. Low-carb pasta and low-carb bread. Flatulence and fire.

If you’re under the age of five, you probably won’t remember a time when Wheat Thins came in only two versions: original and low sodium. Since then, Nabisco has been pumping out new Wheat Thins flavors at a pace equal to the rate übermom Michelle Duggar pumps out new babies from her bountiful womb. One of the latest additions to the Nabisco snack family is the Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins.

Cinnamon seems like a logical sweet flavor for Wheat Thins to dip their whole grain toes in because, honestly, I don’t think the world is ready for the greatness that could be found in Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins. Personally, I know I wouldn’t be able to handle that greatness, and if they ever did make any of those I would eat so much of it that they could no longer call it “Wheat Thins,” since it would cause me to become the opposite of thin.

Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins come close to that greatness because they are quite delicious, but I don’t have the urge to buy out the supply in every single store within a 20 mile radius, like I probably would with Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins. At first, I thought the cinnamon flavor was a little too light, but then remembered the name of the product and kept chomping along. Complaining about the light cinnamon flavor is hard when on the front of the box it says in nice big letters, “Lightly Cinnamon.” It’s like getting angry at Fatburger for making me fat through the consumption of burgers.

The more I ate the Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins, the more I thought it had the right amount of cinnamon flavor. There was just enough cinnamon to make you forget you’re eating Wheat Thins and getting five grams of whole grains, but not so much that you might think you’re snorting lines of cinnamon off of a hooker’s ass.

I have to say that this is one of my favorite Wheat Thins flavors, and much like I look forward to finding out how many more children Michelle Duggar can squirt out before menopause hits, I look forward to finding out how many more sweet Wheat Thins flavors Nabisco will pump out.

(Nutrition Facts – 15 crackers – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 2% Calcium, 0% Vitamin C, and 6% Iron.)

Item: Nabisco Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Right amount of cinnamon. First sweet Wheat Thins. One of my favorite Wheat Thins flavors. 5 grams of whole grain per serving. Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins.
Cons: Contains HFCS. Getting fat by eating Fatburgers. Watching the TV Show 17 Kids and Counting (It’s not as entertaining as Jon & Kate Plus 8). Getting fat whenever Nabisco makes Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins.

Once in a while there’s a special product that I just can’t write about in normal paragraphs because it’s something that I believe deserves more than just blocks of joined sentences that are separated by two punches of my keyboard’s space bar.

Astronaut Ice Cream is worthy of the best word craftsmanship that my English degree and thesaurus can produce. I firmly believe that the only way I could pay homage to this product is through the gift of rhyme.

I’m not talking about a sonnet, limerick, quatrain, allegory, or epigram. I’m talking about something a lot more contemporary. So right now I’m about to drop some mad, crazy skills on y’all that would make Kanye West not shake in his sunglasses that he seems to wear whether he’s outdoors or indoors.

Awwww yeah. This one goes out to all the Space Cowboys. Giddy up!

From the Space Shuttles to the all the Apollo missions,
giving astronaut bros and hos instant, sweet salvation.
After experiments with a monkey or a long space flight,
only Astronaut Ice Cream can satisfy an astronaut’s appetite.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 120 calories, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 0% Iron.)

Item: Astronaut Ice Cream
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 0.7 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: One of my favorite things to eat in the world. The feeling of it melting in my mouth. Chocolate tastes like actual chocolate ice cream. It’s what astronauts eat. Made in the USA. Kanye West wearing sunglasses outdoors.
Cons: Not as good as the real thing. Vanilla and strawberry don’t quite taste like their frozen versions. Small and pricey. Breaks easily. Contains HFCS. Might be hard to find. Kanye West wearing sunglasses indoors.

I guess this solves the mystery of what happened to Clubber Lang after Rocky III − he retired and decided to use the money he won prizefighting to start a pierogi company for his wife. But this opens another line of questioning: Why was he always so damn pissed off? These things are delicious and easy to make; a great quick lunch just as advertised on the back of the box.

Oh well, Mr. T’s misfortune is our gain. I’ve never had pierogies before and can’t imagine that these things are anything close to authentic, but I love the idea of eating two starches at once. The ability to chew mashed potatoes sounds like something out of my dreams. Pierogies feel like something that Willy Wonka would invent if he wasn’t so obsessed with killing kids addicted to sweets. And as it turns out, cheesy mashed potatoes wrapped like ravioli in a sturdy pasta shell is just as tasty as I would have imagined.

As with almost any frozen food, I decided to cook it “ghetto style.” They say to sauté it for eight minutes, but who’s got that kind of time to spare? I microwaved them for a minute and then threw them in a pan with some margarine, oil, and onions until slightly browned. Gently lay them on a bed of lettuce with a dollop of sour cream and you have yourself a plate of food that you’d slap your mama for, all for about a buck and in under four minutes. Take that, Sandra Lee!

After a micro-sauté, the skin is nice and chewy with some bits of the shell becoming crispy. The contrast in textures is almost crack-like in addictiveness and you’ll probably eat more than the recommended serving size. Have I mentioned that these are like chewing on cheesy mashed potatoes dipped in sour cream? But don’t feel bad − the box says that it’s low on fat! Though I’m left to wonder if they take the copious amount of margarine, olive oil, and sour cream into account…

(Nutritional Facts – 3 pierogies -170 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 510mg sodium, 32 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 4% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: Mrs. T’s Potato & Cheddar Pierogies
Price: $2.19
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Chewing on mashed potatoes. Ability to dip said mashed potatoes into various creams and sauces. Skin is chewy and crispy. You can make a quick and cheap meal from these things.
Cons: Mashed potatoes and cheese are obviously of the flake and powder variety, respectively. Eastern Europeans would probably shun these. You’ll almost certainly eat too many. Mr. T’s anger issues in Rocky III.

I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m in my shower I have to be completely naked, because just like I believe a bed is meant for sleeping and sex, a shower is meant for nudity. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, whether it’s showering, cleaning the shower, or butchering the Cyndi Lauper song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” just as bad as Miley Cyrus, I have to be naked within my shower’s three walls and shower curtain. Because I’m buck naked when I’m wiping down my “cleansing cubicle” I don’t like the cleaner I use to consist of stuff that may melt off my junk or makes me smell like a high school janitor who took a bath in Pine-Sol. Fortunately, I found a bathroom cleaner that I can get all hippie naked with — the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner.

There are several elements I like about my new shower partner. It’s non-toxic, biodegradable, and environmentally friendly, but perhaps its best attribute is the fact that it’s bottled in an actual 1-liter soda bottle that someone once drank out of. It’s cool to think that there is a possibility that I littered a park with this bottle, someone picked it up, and Terracycle then used it to bottle their cleaning products. I guess something good can come from littering.

Of course, all of this eco-friendliness would be meaningless if the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner couldn’t get my bathroom clean, but I gave my entire bathroom a good spray and wipe with this and I have to say that it did as well as any other product I’ve used. It easily cleaned the gunk in between the shower tiles, wiped away the crap on my sink fixtures, got rid of the stuff in the sink basin, and it made the shit on my mirror disappear, but it didn’t do well with troublesome hard water stains.

If you’re going to use the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner, don’t expect your bathroom to smell like potpourri, a florist, or “lemon fresh” after spraying it all over your bathroom. There are no fragrances or dyes in it, which technically makes this cleaner au naturel, like me when I’m in the shower or when I’m walking around my apartment. Its scent can be best described as sterile, which is not a horrible scent, but it’s also not a pleasant one. With most cleaning products, after I spray it on, I have to leave the room because the fumes overwhelm me and cause me to gag, like the extreme gleefulness and repetition I’m exposed to while riding the It’s a Small World ride at Disneyland would, but it didn’t happen with this product.

Overall, I’m extremely pleased with the Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner, because it does an excellent job of cleaning in an environmentally friendly way at a reasonable price. It may not be the prettiest smelling product on the market, but a wise man once said, “The scent of a stripper does not equate to their ability to work the pole.”

Item: Terracycle Natural Bathroom Cleaner
Price: FREE (retails for $2.99)
Size: 1 liter
Purchased at: Given by Terracycle
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Cleans just as well as most other products. Reuses an actual 1-liter soda bottle. Reasonably priced. No chemical fumes to overwhelm. Non-toxic. Biodegradable. Environmentally friendly.
Cons: No pleasant scent. Didn’t do well at all with hard water stains. Not too widely available (can be picked up at Office Max and Target). Strippers who don’t know how to work the pole. It’s a Small World ride.

OMGYAFC!!! Oh. My. God. You. Are. Fucking. Cute.

I don’t know whether to eat or to hug you, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Look at your face on your packaging. You’re trying to balance an almond on your nose while caramel corn is being thrown at you. Totemo kawaii (very cute). I really don’t want to open you because I afraid I’m going to hurt you. That look on your face looks like you’re prepared for the torture of having your top ripped open by filthy non-cute human hands. Oh how I wish you weren’t cute, like a bag of Ruffles Potato Chips, a trash dumpster, or Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz’s wedding photos.

But I’m sorry, little guy, I have to open you. If I wasn’t hungry and didn’t need to review you, perhaps I could cuddle you a little longer. Now I have to eat what could be considered your brains. Are you ready, little guy? At least you won’t have to worry about caramel corn being thrown at you anymore and perhaps you can open your eye again. Let me just squeeze you one last time. Hmm…Goodbye, my cute little Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Goodbye.

(Opens bag and Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond exhales its last breath)

NOOOO…Oh. You’re not so cute inside. I was expecting bright colors and flamboyant costumes, like being at a gay pride parade, but your innards look like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp from Red Lobster. Not so kawaii. I hope your flavor was worth killing you for.

Oh. You’re like Cracker Jack-flavored Cheetos. Wow, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond, you’re really tasty and very addicting. You’re so light, fluffy, and crunchy that I didn’t realize I just ate half of you. You may not be cute and happy on the inside, like you are on the outside, but when I eat you, you make me happy on the inside. I guess I’m going to have to find other cute little bags of Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond and kill them too.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams (1/3 of the bag) – 157 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 54 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0.3 grams of dietary fiber, 16.7 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 1.5% calcium, 0.7% iron, and 100% kawaii.)

Item: Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Fucking addictive. Tastes like Cracker Jacks. Light, fluffy, and crunchy. Totemo kawaii packaging.
Cons: Looks like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp. Probably hard to find for most people since it’s a product of Japan. Having to kill cute things.

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Right now, I am staring at my ass in the mirror because I am waiting for a rainbow to shine out of it.

All this time I’ve been afraid of the intense healthiness found in each super-powered Kashi product, which is so natural and healthy that I heard rumors it is a hippie aphrodisiac and it causes rainbows to shine out of your ass. Hence, here I am looking at my derriere in the mirror.

Until minutes ago, I was a perky Kashi Virgin, which is as unsexy as it sounds. But eventually I gave in and I lost my virginity to the new Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal.

I guess I have some trepidation about foods that claim to be natural and healthy because I have been burned badly by them in the past. They usually taste like what I imagine rainbows that come out of my ass would taste like. However, there are people out there who adore all Kashi products and would marry them if it were legal or would bathe in Kashi’s famous 7 Whole Grains, if it did not get stuck in places it should not and did not itch so badly.

The Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal consists of almonds, coconut, cocoa-infused clusters, and of course, Kashi’s 7 Whole Grains. Despite living on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I am not a big fan of coconut, so I thought I would not enjoy this cereal very much. While trying this cereal, I could easily see the shreds of coconut in it, but could not taste the coconut. The cocoa flavor wasn’t like the chocolate flavor you might taste with the sugary cereals out there, it was better. The almonds and granola gave the cereal a nice crunch, even after spending a few minutes in milk.

With all the granola, almonds and coconut shreds, the cereal seemed really dense, like a stripper who doesn’t strip to pay for their college tuition. After eating a big bowl of it, my jaw was tired from all the chewing. The denseness was also the reason why this cereal comes in a box that is about one-third smaller than most other cereal boxes.

The Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola cereal is probably the healthiest food I’ve eaten in the last few years. One serving of this cereal has one-fourth of my daily fiber needs, two-thirds of my daily needs of whole grains, 400 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 and it is all natural, but most importantly it tastes really good.

So did a rainbow shine out of my ass? No, not yet, but I still have time to look since I’m preparing a tub filled with Kashi cereal and soy milk to bathe in.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 230 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbs, 6 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 16 grams of other carbs, 6 grams of protein, and Kashi’s 7 Whole Grain Goodness.)

Item: Kashi Cocoa Beach Granola Cereal
Price: $5.29 (14.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes really good. Fiber up and out the wazoo. 400 milligrams of ALA Omega-3. All around healthy. Whole grains. Despite not liking coconut, I didn’t mind the coconut in this cereal.
Cons: Makes my jaw hurt when I chew. Small box. Getting Kashi’s 7 Whole Grains stuck in between the body’s cracks and crevices. The movie Baby Mama.

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