Summer is a time for hot temperatures, trips to Disneyland, tight short shorts, armpit sweat stains, and of course, summer blockbuster movies, and just like you can expect Dane Cook to use the word “bro” in everything he will ever appear in, you can expect each summer blockbuster to have a product tie-in. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has the Snickers Adventure Bar, Iron Man has the AMP Energy Freeze Slurpee, the new Harold & Kumar movie has skull bongs, and Get Smart has the Sierra Mist Undercover Orange.

For those of you who did not watch Nick at Nite in the early 1990s and/or watch television in the 1960s because your parents were afraid of the radiation coming out of the “picture radio,” Get Smart was a James Bond parody that followed the adventures of Maxwell Smart, an agent of CONTROL, a secret U.S. government agency. His task was to thwart KAOS, an evil organization with the same penchant for the caps lock key as CONTROL.

The Sierra Mist Undercover Orange is a 7-Up/Sprite wannabe lemon-lime soda with a splash of mandarin orange flavor. If your inner botanist believes a mandarin orange is a tangerine, then it does have a mandarin orange flavor. Personally, my inner botanist has had its fair share of canned Asian mandarin oranges in heavy syrup over the years to raise my fruit intake, so I have a pretty good idea of what mandarin oranges taste like and I have to say that I don’t think a mandarin orange is a tangerine. Therefore, I believe this soda tastes more like a tangerine.

Either way, the orange flavor in this soda isn’t like Sunkist or any of the generic brand orange sodas out there. I kind of prefer the flavor of the Sierra Mist Undercover Orange because it tastes a little more natural than most orange sodas because it’s less sweet and more sour, thanks to the Sierra Mist lemon and lime flavor.

The Sierra Mist Undercover Orange isn’t bad for a carbonated citrus beverage and summer blockbuster tie-in. It’s a limited edition beverage so once it’s gone, it’s gone…unless it’s really popular, then it will come back in the future, most likely with another movie tie-in. For now, it makes a great soda to wash away the taste of the trailer for the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 bottle - 240 calories, 0 grams of fat, 55 milligrams of sodium, 65 grams of carbohydrates, 65 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0 grams of caffeine, and 0 grams of box office gold.)

(Editor’s Note: Here’s are a couple more reviews from Bev Review and Review Busters)

Item: Sierra Mist Undercover Orange
Price: $1.25 (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It’s clear. Tastes like a tangerine (according to my inner botanist). Low sodium. Has a more natural taste than most orange sodas. Iron Man. Nick at Nite.
Cons: No fucking caffeine. High fructose corn syrup. A lot of sugar per bottle. Armpit sweat stains. Spelling the word “night” as “nite.” The despair you’ll feel after watching the trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Americans love a lot of things: pornography, violence, and worshipping false idols. But most of all we love food. Not just good, classic food, but superfluous and extravagant treats that go far beyond the realm of reasonable. We’re the country that balked at Britain’s attempt at a deep fried Mars bar and invented deep fried pizza. It’s only fitting that one of our classic desserts consists of taking a giant scoop of vanilla ice cream and dumping it into a carbonated beverage that somehow contains more sugar than actual sugar.

Yes, the ice cream float has always had a mysterious hold over the imaginations of everyone who’s ever eaten at a diner. Whether it’s the furious bubbling of the concoction or the smooth consistency of ice cream mixed with your favorite soda, it’s hard to resist what basically boils down to an ice cream sauce that you drink. The people at the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group (sounds like an awesome law firm) have taken this idea and released “floats” in Sunkist and A&W root beer flavors, selling them at the premium price of $4.99 for a box of four bottles.

I chose the Sunkist version because I have a Keenan and Kel-like affinity towards orange soda which has been the source of much ridicule in the past. It’s made with real skim milk, making it a low-fat option for those craving an ice cream float. The sugar content, however, is still disturbing. I’m writing this right now as I’m slipping in and out of a diabetic coma because this stuff has 63 grams of sugar in an 11.5 ounce bottle, which is nearly twice as much as regular soda. How they managed to do this is head-explodingly troubling.

The float is absolutely awful when it’s lukewarm, which is to be expected, but is pleasant and refreshing when well-chilled. It tastes very similar to a lot of orange cream sodas that are already on the market, except it is a bit milkier. Also of note is that it has no carbonation at all, which I found odd because a little bit would have made it more interesting on the palate.

You won’t feel great about yourself while you’re drinking this because you can taste every single gram of sugar in each sip. There’s a lot of advertising these days about guilt-free snacks, but this isn’t one of them. At the end of the day, this stuff is way too sweet to be drunk on a regular basis. Of course, I thought the same thing about Lindsay Lohan as well and it didn’t stop her from being a big success. We’ll have to wait and see with the Sunkist Float.

(Nutritional Facts - 1 bottle - 260 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 20mg sodium, 64 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 63 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, and 4% Calcium)

Item: Sunkist Float
Price: $4.99 (box of 4)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes pretty good when it’s ultra-chilled. Low on fat while still having a milky flavor. Ice cream sauce that you drink. Deep fried pizza.
Cons: Extremely sweet and horrible for you. No carbonation. A little pricey for what you’re getting.

What are you doing, Jack in the Box? Are you going all healthy on us with your Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie? Whatever you’re doing, stop it! Because it’s freakin’ me out!

It’s like I’m in an alternate universe where Jumbo Jacks, Big Macs and Whoppers are healthy, while vegetables and organic foods are bad for you. It is also a universe where Jared is still the spokesperson for Subway, except Subway makes sub sandwiches the size of actual submarines, and Jared weighs 700 pounds, doesn’t know where his penis is, looks like Jabba the Hutt, and hasn’t moved his ass off of his couch since 1999.

Actually, there aren’t any nutritional facts on the Jack in the Box website right now so it’s hard for me to know if they’re healthy or not. This worries me because fast food joints have the ability to turn something healthy into something that’s not, like salads and adults collecting kids meal toys. For all I know, this fast food smoothie might be the most unhealthiest thing on the face of the Earth and they deep fry the bastard when no one is looking. But what I do know for sure is that the Real Fruit Smoothies are made from Minute Maid fruit juice and non-fat frozen yogurt, which sounds somewhat healthy to me, but then again I believe I can get all my daily vegetable servings from eating a full sheet of carrot cake.

Don’t expect the Jack in the Box Real Fruit Smoothie to be like anything you would get from Jamba Juice or Robeks. Jack in the Box only uses fruit juices, while the two smoothie specialists uses a combination of real fruits, fruit juices, free boosts, and fancy smoothie names usually reserved for girly, fruity alcoholic beverages which I enjoy for a few sips, then pass out, and then either wake up pants-less in some stranger’s bed or pants-less in the middle of the orangutan exhibit at the zoo.

The Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie had a fruit taste that didn’t seem natural, but then again the idea of a strawberry-banana juice seems unnatural. If I squeeze an orange, I’m going to get orange juice. If I squeeze a banana, I’m going to get baby food and stink eyes from monkeys. There was an artificial sweetener taste to it, so perhaps that’s where the unnatural taste came from.

Overall, the Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie was decent and was what I expected from a fast food joint. It’s definitely not something I would get my daily servings of fruit from, because for that I would eat an entire apple pie, but I think that it’s probably healthier than a deep-fried Jack in the Box Oreo Shake.

Item: Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie
Price: $3.89 (16 ounces)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with non-fat frozen yogurt. Enjoyed the satisfying crunch of the coarse ice crystals. Possibly healthier than a Jack in the Box Oreo Shake.
Cons: Had a slight artificial sweetener taste. Strawberry-banana juice seems unnatural. No nutritional facts on website. Getting stink eyes from monkeys, because flying poop is soon to follow. Waking up bottomless in the middle of a zoo exhibit spooning a primate. The power of fruity, girly alcoholic beverages.

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Mountain Dew is the O.G. of carbonated caffeine goodness. With 50-something milligrams of caffeine per can it was the beverage of choice for gamers, procrastinators and sleep haters back when energy drinks were just a twinkle in the eye of beverage makers and I wore my baseball caps backwards, while wearing two Swatch watches on each arm. Today, Mountain Dew is lost among the hundreds of energy drinks out there. Its caffeine content seems miniscule compared with almost every single caffeine bomb energy drink.

What happened to Mountain Dew? It used to encourage young people to do extreme things that only professionals should do, like pull 360 tailwhips on a BMX bike or a goofy-footed backside McTwist on a skateboard. Now energy drinks, like Red Bull, have kids doing crazy things like race in airplanes, flugtag, and post videos on YouTube of themselves doing a Chicken McNuggets rap. Mountain Dew’s descent from the caffeine crown is kind of sad, like seeing a 51-year-old big-haired, tattooed mother of four shop at Forever 21.

Mountain Dew used to tell us to “Do the Dew,” but now the Dew is not dewy enough. It tried to keep up with more powerful energy drinks by changing flavors, colors, and by greeting everyone with the salutation, “Wassup, dogg,” while pounding its chest a couple of times. But it is not about colors, it is about caffeine. The Radioactive Green One may not be extreme enough for this generation, but AMP Energy, its younger, bigger, stronger, sexier, more potent, and porn star cock-sized successors are.

The original AMP Energy is based on original Mountain Dew and recently AMP Energy added to its lineup the new Elevate, Overdrive, Relaunch, and Traction flavors, most of which aren’t really new if you did the different Dews over the last half-decade. Overdrive, which has been out longer than the other flavors, is very similar in taste to the cherry-flavored Mountain Dew Code Red, Relaunch is like the orange-flavored Mountain Dew LiveWire, Traction tastes like the grape-flavored Mountain Dew Pitch Black, and Elevate has a mixed berry flavor. All of them were easy to drink because they tasted more like a soda, than an energy drink, which usually can have a slight medicine-ish taste.

Like members of a boy band, each flavor has certain characteristics and has been given a particular label that describes them. Overdrive is the bad boy of the group and the energetic yerba mate it has gives it a turbo boost. Elevate is the smart one and the L-theanine in it helps it to focus. Relaunch is the cute one and the electrolytes and B vitamins it has gives it the energy to revive to satisfy all the groupies. Finally, Traction is the one everyone thinks could be gay and the maltodextrin and D-ribose it contains helps it sustain its secret. Each flavor did give me a boost of energy, but I didn’t notice any differences with their special ingredients.

Overall, I enjoyed all of the flavors, especially the grape-ish Traction, which let me remember Mountain Dew Pitch Black — my favorite Dew I liked to do. It is nice to see almost all the Dew flavors end up in energy drink form because I am a fan of Mountain Dew. Now that I have my caffeine bomb, all I need now are some Cheetos, an original Playstation, the game Twisted Metal, and I’m good to go.

(Supplement Facts - 8 fl. oz. - 110 calories, 29 grams carbs, 29 grams sugar, 1.5 milligrams riboflavin, 20 milligrams niacin, 10 milligrams pantothenic acid, 20 milligrams phosphorus, 148 milligrams taurine, 124 milligrams of guarana extract, 80 milligrams caffeine, and 20 percent increase in heart rate.)

(Editor’s Note: Here’s a litter of AMP Energy reviews (Just close your eyes and click one blindly): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.)

Item: AMP Energy (Elevate, Overdrive, Relaunch, Traction)
Price: FREE (16 ounces)
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Enjoyed all the flavors, which are similar to Mountain Dew flavors. Tastes more like a soda, than an energy drink. Easy to drink. 160 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per can. Twisted Metal.
Cons: High fructose corn syrup. Added ingredients didn’t seem to do anything. If you hate sweet, you’ll hate these. Still can’t get my hands on a fucking Nintendo Wii. 51-years-olds who shop at Forever 21.

There’s a Smuckers Uncrustables Peanut Butter & Honey Spread Sandwich for those lazy bastards who are too fucking lazy to make their own peanut butter and honey sandwich. Sign me up!

If you love movies with the director’s name in the title then Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns is the movie for you.

Anything that tastes “like a mix of chocolate and salty nuts” must be good. Oh wait, NOT THOSE kind of salty nuts. My bad.

Do you think the Limited Edition Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Honey Bee Ice Cream would be a limited edition if the bees all over the world weren’t disappearing? Whoa…I just blew my mind.

I’m waiting for a chip that tastes spicy, sweet, sour, salty, and bitter, just like my tears of despondency after eating Thai food. For now, I’ll have to settle for the Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili chips.

I’m afraid of products that look like the radioactive rod Homer Simpson throws out of his car during the Simpsons intro.

With each having their own color and special power, I was hoping these five flavors of Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water would combine to form a huge robot, like Voltron: Defender of the Universe or the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s Megazord.

Despite dressing up like King Zarkon from the Planet Doom and throwing other plastic bottles into the trash, instead of recycling them, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water plastic bottles did nothing to stop my evil ways.

Although Captain Planet did appear and attacked me while saying, “I’ve found another use for these bottles and that’s to kick your ass with them.”

The Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water comes in seven flavors, but I was only able to try five of them: Grape Pomegranate, Agave Melon, Strawberry Acai, Orange Starfruit, and Tropical Mango. According to the labels, they all have the power to do something beyond quenching a thirst.

Grape seed extract in the Grape Pomegranate has the power to defy, electrolytes in the Agave Melon has the power to restore, 60 milligrams of caffeine in the Strawberry Acai has the power to awaken, while Vitamin C in the Orange Starfruit and Tropical Mango have the power to protect.

Oh, if only one of them had the power of telekinesis or the power to sober.

Every flavor I tried was good. My two favorite flavors were the unusual tasting Agave Melon and the Strawberry Acai. Overall, they seemed a little less watered down than Glaceau’s Vitamin Water, despite their sugar content being about the same at about 30 grams per bottle. Speaking about similarities with Vitamin Water, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water also has semi-witty writing on its label, they don’t contain high-fructose corn syrup, and of course, they can’t form into a gigantic robot to fight evil.

Item: Snapple Antioxidant Water
Price: 99 cents each (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: All the flavors I tried tasted good. Agave Melon and Strawberry Acai were my favorites. Vitamins A & E. Less watered down taste than Vitamin Water. Electrolytes. No high-fructose corn syrup. Strawberry Acai flavor has 60 milligrams of caffeine.
Cons: Vitamin Water copycat, even includes semi-witty copy on label. Can’t combine to form gigantic robot to fight evil. None has the ability to sober. Getting your ass kicked by Captain Planet.

Like a young woman who does not understand why she got so excited while watching Brooke Shields in the movie “Blue Lagoon,” I am confused about my feelings towards the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. Half of me thinks that this unusual tasting soda is good, but the other half of me thinks that if you drink too much of this shit it gets kind of fucking nasty.

Some of the best diet sodas I’ve poured down my gullet have been concocted by Dr. Pepper, like Berries & Cream Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and of course, regular Diet Dr. Pepper.

I may not truly know how I feel about this chocolatey variation, but just like any post-Ricky Martin Menudo lineup, I do know that it is not as good as any of its predecessors.

Just like the living arrangements in the TV show “Three’s Company,” the combination of cherry, chocolate, and Diet Dr. Pepper seemed like it would make for a good threesome, but as I wrote earlier, the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper has an unusual taste.

The chocolate flavor stands out, but it is a weird chocolate flavor that doesn’t bring back my memories of Yoo-Hoo, Chocolate Soldier, or that night with Hershey’s syrup and plastic sheets. Overall, I think it tastes like a maraschino cherry, which I enjoy and are usually found on ice cream sundaes, milkshakes, or in my mouth as I try to impress the ladies with my ability to tie its stem with my proficient tongue.

I thought it had a very sweet and syrupy taste, despite not having any sugar in it. It was a little too sweet for my liking and I couldn’t drink an entire bottle in one sitting without getting a little sick, but I liked the initial sips I took, which are the reasons why I’m torn about the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. I don’t know whether I should love it, leave it, or wait until it goes away since it is a limited edition soda.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 cup - 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 grams of protein, 28 milligrams of caffeine, and limited nutritional facts)

(Because I’m slower than Lindsay Lohan’s reaction time after a few drinks, many others have reviewed the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. Here’s one. Here’s another. And another. Also, thanks to Kristen, Melanie, and Nakeisha for suggesting this for review.)

Item: Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Unusual taste. I like it in small doses. Zero calories. Zero grams of fat. Zero carbs. Threesomes.
Cons: Not a significant source of any other nutrients. Unusual chocolate flavor. Too sweet and syrupy for my tastes. Too much of it made me a little sick. Not as good as other Diet Dr. Pepper variations. Post-Ricky Martin Menudo.

Sorry no podcast today. I’m a little under the weather.