Product review blog goodness wrapped in an HTML shell.

Sometimes I dream about being surrounded by this much meat. (via Fast Food Critic)

It may have the word “hard” in its name, but I really do think Mike’s Hard Lemonades are the new wine coolers. (via Gigi Reviews)

Oh the tiny Japanese and their crazy tiny cars, crazy tiny cellphones, and crazy tiny snacks. (via Snackerrific)

Finally the Keebler Elves get to make cookies that aren’t twice their size and have the potential to kill them. (via Phoood)

To get an idea of how messed up my mind is, take a look at the artwork on this product. Kudos to you, if you’re not laughing. But if you are, I’m pretty sure you see a cartoon of some man-on-bell action. (via Candy Addict)

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is based on the popular Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads. If you’ve never heard or seen these ads, check out this site to get a taste of them.)

Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius

(Real Men of Genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

Combining the watery goodness of Bud Light with the tomato clam juiciness of Clamato is usually only done by mad scientists and really, really, really, really, really drunk people. You also added salt and lime, but those don’t help the fact that you probably created the most ghetto bloody mary ever. Dr. Frankenstein used scavenged body parts to create his monster, but your hodgepodge creation would probably make him squirm.

(I ain’t going to drink that!)

Those who have balls big enough to drink it may not be able to smell and taste the clams or the beer, but the tomato is there punching their senses with a salty tomato soup look, smell and taste that only hobos can love. It’s somewhat tolerable, didn’t make me gag too much and I might’ve been able to nurse it until it was gone, except you weren’t kind enough to put it in a regular 12-ounce can.

Oh no.

Instead you decided to put your clammy concoction in a huge 24-ounce aluminum jug, making it impossible to finish without it getting warm, which makes the Chelada feel like someone rinsed their mouth with it and spit it back into the can.

(You sadistic bastard!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Champion of the Clamato and Backer of the Bud Light, because you’re going to find out if it mixes well with Grey Poupon.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 151 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15.6 grams of carbohydrates, 1.9 grams of protein, and 4.2% alcohol/volume.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the dozen or so people who recommended the Chelada. You are all sadistic bastards. Also, Second Rate Snacks reviewed the Budweiser version of the Chelada. And here’s another review.)

Item: Bud Light & Clamato Chelada
Price: $2.49
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Didn’t make me gag too much. It contains alcohol. Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads.
Cons: Tomato punching your senses. Mixing Bud Light & Clamato. It comes in a 24-ounce can. Tastes much worse when warm. Would make Dr. Frankenstein squirm. Bud Light mixed with Grey Poupon.

It was a week full of product reviews that made me wonder “WTF?” Here are a few of them.

Oreo…I’ve lost a little respect for you because you’ve whored yourself out. Oreo pie crust I can understand, but Oreo straws? That’s where I draw the line. (via Gigi-Reviews)

I’m not sure what the word “chelada” means, but I’m thinking it means “bad idea” or “for suckers” or “better than drinking rubbing alcohol.” (via Second Rate Snacks)

If you mess with the O.G. of Hot Pockets, you’re going to get burned. (via Heat Eat Review)

I don’t need to eat High School Musical Cereal, because my life is full of moments when I break out into a song and dance at inappropriate moments. (via So Good)

Easy. Breezy. Minty. Beautiful. Cover Girl. (via The Message Whore)

Do you have a Flickr account? Are you desperate for Flickr friends? I am too, so check out The Impulsive Buy’s Flickr Photostream. Currently, it’s where you can see some of the products I’ve bought over the years, but will never review. It’s like a TIB Graveyard.

Sometimes to be creative, people need a catalyst – something that sparks the imagination and lets creativity flow.

For many great writers, like Ernest Hemingway, Herman Melville, Scott Fitzgerald, John Steinbeck, Edgar Allan Poe, and my friend Ryan, their catalyst was/is alcohol.

Since alcohol helped these writers create wonderful pieces of literature (except for my friend Ryan, who instead wrote about his experiences in nightclubs for a local alternative newspaper) I felt that it wouldn’t hurt if I tried to find out if alcohol would help me be more creative, and perhaps write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD.

Okay, I may not be able to write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, but at least something better than the usual crap I spew out.

To make this happen, I need two things, alcohol and something to review. Although not a lot of alcohol, because excessive amounts of it make me want to dance with inanimate objects, especially refrigerators, which in an inebriated state look like big booty white women to me, like pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith…times two.

Also, for some reason, I like to dance with poles when drunk.

Anyway, let’s see what kinds of alcohol I have in The Impulsive Buy Laboratory.

Red wine? Too classy.

Vanilla vodka? Too much of a chance I’ll end up freakin’ a fridge.

Listerine? Too painful.

NyQuil? Too drowsy.

Rubbing alcohol? Too poisonous.

Heineken Premium Light Beer? Yahtzee!

Oooh, I can also review it. Sweet!

Let’s do this.

7:45 p.m. – Okay, so I’m sitting here with my laptop and Heineken Premium Light Beer. I’ve taken a couple of swigs of the beer and I don’t feel creative.

7:47 p.m. – I’ve gone through a quarter of a bottle and I don’t have any ideas for the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD. The Heineken Premium Light so far has been easy to drink. It’s like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. It tastes all right. But if you like Heineken and are watching your girlish figure, you probably will enjoy the 99 calories and low carbs in each bottle.

7:50 p.m. – Oh man, I’m feeling kind of warm. I’m such a frickin’ lightweight! I only drank half the bottle and I’m already turning red. Damn these Asian genes! These Asian genes make me red when I drink. These Asian genes prevented me from growing past 5’7″. These Asian genes make everyone think I’m good at math. Maybe I should’ve ate something before I started drinking. I still don’t feel creative.

8:00 p.m. – Ugh. I drank the whole bottle and nothing. I wish I could channel the spirit of Hemingway. How did he do it? Maybe I should call my friend Ryan and ask him how he does it. No wait, he’s probably drunk right now and in his writing flow. Don’t want to mess with him because not only is he a creative drunk, he’s also an angry drunk.

8:10 p.m. – I’m just here waiting for the creative buzz to hit me, but I don’t even feel it coming. Shouldn’t the creativity be flowing like a river after the white blanket of snow melts? Shouldn’t the ideas be pouring out of me like iced tea from a clear glass pitcher on a hot summer day in August? Shouldn’t the words, sentences, and paragraphs be falling from the sky like rain in the spring?

8:11 p.m. – Oh man, I gotta pee.

Item: Heineken Premium Light
Price: FREE (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Given by Charlie at Hass MS&L
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like Heineken, but are watching your girlish figure, this would be good for you. Tasted like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. Easy to drink. Low carbs. Low calories.
Cons: Alcohol does not equal creativity for me. My ability to turn red after drinking half a bottle of beer. I’m such a lightweight. Couldn’t write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, not even a tribute.

“Don’t worry, Jen. I’ll make you forget Brad and Vince with my tender lips. Get out of the way Ron Livingston! You’re ruining the moment.”

After drinking the entire 16-ounce can of the Sparks alcohol energy drink, it was like romantic sparks were flying everywhere.

For some reason, probably because of my low alcohol tolerance, I wanted to make out with every inanimate object in my apartment, including Jennifer Aniston on my computer monitor while watching the movie Office Space.

Heck, my body pillow looked hot in its long red pillow case, sort of like Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?; my refrigerator looked like a really pale, big boned hottie; and the mop the in closet looked like Nicole Richie.

Also, if you know how much I love the curves of Method product bottles, I just wanted to let you know that loved them a little bit more after drinking Sparks.

It was a long night thanks to the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and siberian ginseng blend in the can of Sparks, which kept me up. I continued hitting on other inanimate things in my apartment, like the recliner in the living room, the dish rack in the kitchen, and empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom.

Sparks had a nice citrus taste, which reminded me of most energy drinks mixed with vodka, except a whole lot sweeter.

It was easy to drink, but as it got warmer it became less easy. It was also definitely better tasting than the B to the E I tried last year.

Sparks calls itself a “premium malt beverage,” but usually when I think of “premium malt beverage” I think of Billy Dee Williams and Colt 45.

The can of Sparks I drank not only made inanimate objects look sexy, it also made me redder than a high school student who accidently farted loudly while taking the SAT exam, but I blame my Japanese blood for that.

The next morning, after waking up with my toaster next to me, I came to the realization that I would probably drink Sparks at a bar or club, if they had them, but I don’t know if I would drink them at home anymore, because I don’t like cleaning the smears on my computer monitor.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Kitty for suggesting Sparks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go make out with my laundry basket.)

Item: Sparks
Purchase Price: FREE (16-ounces)
Purchased At: Received from roommate.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good sweet citrus taste. Big 16-ounce can. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Jessica Rabbit. The movie Office Space.
Cons: Maybe too sweet for some. For me, it makes everything look hot, due to my low alcohol tolerance. Cleaning smears on my computer monitor. Empty toilet paper roll love. Farting loudly while taking the SAT exam.

Sure, drinking alone is one of the signs of alcoholism, but drinking alone while playing a drinking game that involves watching an episode of Knight Rider is just good ol’ fashioned fun.

(Editor’s Note: For those of you too young to know what Knight Rider is, go read about it here or go purchase a few episodes here. For those of you too lazy to do either, Knight Rider was what started David Hasselhoff’s rise to German superstardom, solidified a place for him in VH1′s I Love the 80s, and it was “A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.”)

To play the Knight Rider drinking game, I needed two things, an episode of Knight Rider and alcohol. Fortunately, the iTunes Music Store sells episodes from the first season of Knight Rider and I had a bottle of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka.

Now the vodka would’ve gone great with some chocolate or coffee liqueur, but I didn’t have any. Heck, I didn’t even have any Yoo-Hoo or Nesquik chocolate powder. Instead, by popular demand, I decided to mix the vodka with most of the beverages from the last product election.

The rules I made up for the Knight Rider drinking game were simple.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s front red scanner light is shown, I would have to take a straight shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka. Unfortunately, it had a very slight vanilla scent and tasted like cough syrup. However, it was pretty smooth compared with other vodka I’ve had.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s license plate, which says “KNIGHT,” is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Island Fruit 7-Up Plus, which I decided to name F-Up Plus.

The Island Fruit 7-Up Plus didn’t add any fruity flavor to the vodka, because the vodka’s flavor easily overpowered the weak 7-Up Plus, much like how any woman could make me whipped.

Every time K.I.T.T. uses turbo boost, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Mountain Dew MDX, which I called Vodka Dew, or V.D. for short. The citrus flavor was noticeable in this concoction and was probably the best tasting of them all.

Finally, if any part of David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Odwalla Superfood, which I named Hoff’s Hairy Chest, because if you look at the picture on the left, mixing the two creates a fuzzy concoction, much like Hasselhoff’s chest.

Shooting it felt like a fuzzy Hasselhoff hairball going down my throat, except probably a little sweeter, but still disgusting.

Unfortunately, the game ended really quick because each one of these things happened in the first 10 minutes of the show. Plus, in the first ten minutes of the episode I purchased, Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was shown ten times.

Because of that, I definitely needed to stop, because dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was not the way I would want to go out.

(Editor’s Note: I know. I know. This review was supposed to be done weeks ago, but I’ve learned that it is hard to write while intoxicated, even when trying to channel Ernest Hemmingway’s spirit. To make up for it, go wax David Hasselhoff’s chest here.)

Item: Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka
Purchase Price: $19.99 (750 ml)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Smooth. Would probably go well with chocolate or coffee liqueur, which I didn’t have. The convenience of purchasing Knight Rider episodes from the iTunes Music Store.
Cons: Tastes like cough syrup. Disappointing for a Grey Goose vodka. The fuzziness of mixing it with Odwalla Superfood. The episode of Knight Rider I chose showed David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest WAAAY too many times. Dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest.