I know you all think the life of a part-time junk food/fast food review writer is incredibly glamorous, but really I’m exactly like you.

I spent my Sunday working through a totally normal checklist. Doing some laundry. Catching up on the last few episodes of Top Chef. Carefully inspecting all the frozen food aisles at ShopRite and harassing the stock boys. (“Do you have the newest flavors of Ben & Jerry’s, and if not do you know when you’ll get them, and if not can I speak to ShopRite’s manager of frozen confectionery products?”)

I couldn’t find a good item to review, so I reacted much as you would to minor inconveniences – I shrugged my shoulders and went looking for my favorite beer.

Luckily, my search for a 6-pack of Magic Hat #9 guided me directly to a solution. Magic Hat has released a spring variety pack that introduces two new brews, the German-styled Saint Saltan and Ticket to Rye, an IPA. And since “I have to drink all this beer for work” is an excuse my girlfriend somehow bought, I’m now able to review these new seasonal products.

I started with the lighter Saint Saltan. It’s a Gose, which is a type of German beer that I’d previously never tried before. A quick Wikipedia search told me to expect saltiness and helped explain the origins of the Saltan name. The beer was a clear golden yellow with a white head and smelled heavily of coriander.

Taste-wise, it was very crisp and refreshing with moderate carbonation. The coriander was again a primary flavor, yet I could definitely taste the sweetness and maltiness from the lemon and wheat flavors, respectively. The saltiness manifested mostly in the after taste, which certainly made the beer more interesting but didn’t spark some divine revelation of a beer-drinking experience.

At 4.6% alcohol by volume, the Saint Saltan goes down very smoothly, almost like a wheat ale. I could imagine myself throwing one or two back on a hot summer evening, but I could just as well imagine the salty flavor losing its appeal very quickly.

Moving on to the second new offering: even the most casual music listeners would recognize “Ticket to Rye” as a play on a song title, but Beatles fans might remember that the phrase was rumored to be the original title of “Ticket to Ride,” with Rye referring to a small town in England. I don’t know which reference Magic Hat intended, though I do know that I intend to come off as both a beer snob AND a music snob in this review.

In any case, Magic Hat’s “Spring Fever Mix” variety pack’s packaging is very much music-themed. Their marketing has always been fun and a little wink-wink, and I loved all the small touches on the box that represent performing equipment and radio buttons.

As for the actual beer, I thought Ticket to Rye was very, very solid. It was a dark amber color with no haze whatsoever in the pouring. As expected from an IPA, it smelled hoppy but also had a nice pine scent with some spiciness from the rye. The first thing I tasted was the spiciness, which was followed with some pine and citrus and maybe a little bit of caramel. The beer was nicely hoppy without being overwhelming so, but I thought it lost carbonation a bit too quickly. Anyone who generally enjoys IPAs would definitely find that this one goes down easy, though at 7.1 percent ABV, you’ll want to take it slow.

I enjoyed both of these new offerings, and along with the old Magic Hat standbys of #9 Not Quite Pale Ale and Pistil Dandelion Beer, they make for an excellent variety pack. These Magic Hat 12-packs were on promotional display at my local ShopRite, so you probably won’t even have to harass the stock boys to find them – go pick one up the next time you’re at the supermarket or liquor store.

Other Magic Hat Saint Saltan reviews:
Behind the Tap
Good Beer Better Hats

Other Magic Hat Ticket to Rye reviews:
Behind the Tap
Good Beer Better Hats

Item: Magic Hat Saint Saltan and Ticket to Rye
Purchased Price: $12.99 (Spring Fever Mix Variety 12-pack)
Size: 12-pack (12 oz. bottles)
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Saint Saltan)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Ticket to Rye)
Pros: Saint Saltan was light and crisp. Nice coriander and lemon flavors with interesting salty after-taste. Ticket to Rye was nicely hoppy with great rye spice, pine, and citrus flavors. Magic Hat marketing and packaging. Top Chef on the DVR. The glamorous part-time junk food/fast food reviewer lifestyle. My girlfriend doesn’t actually mind drinking on Sundays anyway.
Cons: Saint Sultan’s salty aftertaste could lose its appeal quickly. Ticket to Rye lost its carbonation a bit too quickly. Not finding any of the new Ben & Jerry’s flavors. I don’t really know anything about music.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Whenever the electricity goes out, all I need is a rubber band, some bacon, and these gummies to play Angry Birds. (via Foodette Reviews

A Rogue Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Ale sounds disgusting, but it would be even more disgusting if it was a Rogue Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple Doughnut Ale. (via Food Junk)

I blame this soda for all the cavities I had in middle school. Oh, and not brushing my teeth. (via Thirsty Dudes)

Hmm…I wonder if this Slow Motion Potion can ease my emotion and prevent me from making a commotion when my devotion for a Laotian lotion is challenged when its dumped into the ocean. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

This crème brulée isn’t hard. Perhaps it needs to see another crème brulée with its top off. (via What’s Good At Trader Joe’s)

This probably says more about me than I’d like it to, but whenever I picture Santa, it’s as likely to be with a beer in his hand as a glass of milk (or Coca-Cola).  As in all things, I blame my upbringing — my parents, savvy operators that they were, convinced me early on that what Saint Nick could really use on Christmas Eve was something to take the edge off.  Over time this was phased out in favor of the more traditional milk, but there are home movies of me at about 2-3 years old, bringing out cookies and a glass of wine for Santa.  (Predictably, I spilled it on the carpet and, yes, I did try to pick the liquid up with my fingers.  I was not a smart child.)

Honestly, I’ve always pictured that right jolly old elf through more of a working class lens than I think most do.  The poor guy busts his ass all year long to meet the tightest delivery window on Earth, and as soon as he gets back home Christmas morning, no doubt all he wants is to take a load off in his favorite chair with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other.  Mrs. Claus does not get a lot of help around the house in January, is what I’m saying.

But what I didn’t realize until a couple of years ago is that Santa actually has a microbrewery at the North Pole.  It makes sense – you have to figure not every elf is cut out for crafting dolls and iPods, so the rowdier ones are put to work brewing Santa’s own personal ale, which he briefly makes available to the public every Christmas season.  Now that’s a man who has mastered the spirit of giving, as have I, so allow me to give you the low-down on a product that just might get you through the holidays in one piece.

Santa’s Private Reserve pours out a nice darkish red/copper color, exactly the hue you want in a winter beer.  (Summer beers must by law be golden yellow, of course.  Basically, summer beers should look like your pee when you’re really dehydrated, winter beers should look like you have kidney stones.)  I’m not usually one for smelling my drinks, but the aroma is pleasant, slightly citrusy.  I’m also not a beer snob, so I won’t bore you or myself by getting too technical; but it IS quite hoppy, which translates to bitterness. 

To me that’s a selling point, but be warned if wheat beers and Corona are more your style.  (College students will, of course, want to stick with Natty Light, as this is not a good beer for chugging out of a plastic cup with a ping pong ball in it.)  You’d normally expect a winter seasonal beer to have a lot of spices in it, but they’re understated if not nonexistent here, taking a back seat to more of a roasted caramel taste.  In terms of thickness, it’s about medium — certainly you’re not going to confuse it for Guinness, but don’t expect it to go down like your mother at a Molly Hatchet reunion tour either.

The ABV is 6.0 percent, pretty standard for a craft beer, although those of you who mainly drink light beers should be careful.  In my immediate post-college years I could have polished off three of these without feeling it, but these days more than one is enough to rosy my cheeks and merry my dimples.  That works in your favor, though, as Two-Drink Drew is 65 percent more likely to tell embarrassing family stories and use the word “ass” in reviews than Zero-Drink Drew.  (Both are preferable to Five-Drink Drew, who can’t figure out how to work a keyboard.)  And not that it should influence your purchasing decision, but the packaging is nice — simple artistic images of a cheerful Kris Kringle hoisting a tankard.  Skol!

I have no doubt there are better, far more knowledgeable beer drinkers than I who could describe this Christmas ale to you using terms like “mouthfeel” and “juniper” and “pretentious.”  I just know what I like, and I like this beer.  It’s bitter, it’s smooth, and it leaves you with a pleasing aftertaste long after you’ve finished drinking it.  Plus it makes you feel like you and Santa are old drinking buddies.

Sure, everyone gets presents, but you’re one of the privileged few the big guy allows to tap his personal stockpile.  It’s a special, manipulative marketing-driven feeling, and that’s something you can’t put a price tag on.  Or rather, you can, and it’s $11.59.  Not dirt cheap, but for a once-a-year treat, it’s worth it.

Item: Rogue Santa’s Private Reserve Ale
Price: $11.59
Size: 6 pack (12-ounce bottles)
Purchased at: Joe Canal’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Stupid children.  Helps Santa recover from Christmas.  Good color.  Smooth and easy, like your sister.  Two-Drink Drew.  Tastes better than egg nog.
Cons: Bitter as an old man talking about today’s youth.  Not good for drinking games.  Misleading marketing – Santa doesn’t actually want to drink with me.  Not free, even if you make the “Nice” list.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Haagen Dazs Rum Raisin Ice Cream is an ex-girlfriend’s favorite flavor. When I see it in the store, it makes me think of her. When I think of her, it makes me wonder if I should friend her on Facebook. When I wonder if I should friend her on Facebook, I remember that I haven’t played Bejeweled Blitz in a long time. When I play Bejeweled Blitz, I forget to friend my ex-girlfriend on Facebook. (via Frozen Food Journal)

There’s a beer called Yellow Snow. I guess I’m going to have to call Old Milwaukee something else. (via TBQ)

Burger King now has a breakfast bowl that contains eggs, sausage, potatoes, onions, peppers and cheese. If The King wakes me up with one of them, I hope he also brings a fork so I can stab him. (via Hamburger Calculus and We Rate Stuff)

A chocolate egg that comes in a real eggshell. There’s a yolk out there that must be pissed. (via Foodstuff Finds)

Since I don’t drink anymore, I don’t have a use for an anti-hangover beverage. But I really could use an anti-Justin Bieber beverage because “Baby” keeps bumping in my head. (via Everyview)

I want you imagine Beavis from Beavis and Butt-Head. Then I want you to imagine him saying Chokito over and over again. You’re welcome. (via Jim’s Chocolate Mission)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

I’m disappointed Hawaiian Punch Jelly Beans won’t turn my mouth red like actual Hawaiian Punch does. How else am I going to look like a Twilight fanboy? (via ZOMG Candy)

A Tip for Guys: I’m pretty sure giving heart-shaped Peeps to your sweetheart will not get you laid. (via Gigi Reviews)

I believe the Keebler Elves make their cookies to fatten humans so that we’re nice and plump when they eat us. I think one human could feed the whole tree. (via We Rate Stuff)

Hot damn! Kim Chi Cheetos! (via The Japanese Snack Food Review)

I once had a shot called German Death. All I need is the Irish Death Ale, French Death Champagne and Spanish Death Sangria to complete my journey along the European Road to Alcohol Poisoning. (via TBQ)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Yay! I don’t have to lick Smurfs anymore! (via Snack Overload)

I believe every episode of a soda review video podcast should end with the host burping the alphabet. (via Soda Giant)

Hooters has new wing flavors and are still filled with men who ogle Hooters Girls in a way that is considered sexual harassment in almost any other workplace. (via Would I Buy It Again)

Here in Hawaii, there are two Kua’Aina burger shops. People seem to love them, but I’m not a fan. Japan must REALLY love them if they make a potato chip that tastes like their burgers. (via Foodette Reviews)

Shouldn’t watermelon be a flavor of a wine cooler instead of a beer. Meh, what do I know? I enjoyed Zimas. (via TBQ)