(NOTE: Part of this review is written in “Sheetz Speak.”)

I livez in Philadelphia, which iz Wawa country. I lovez my Wawa just az much az I lovez my Philliez, but recentlyz I wanted to seez what the fusz waz aboutz over the central and western Pennsylvania’z version of Wawa, which iz Sheetz. Az a huge Wawa fan, I waz skeptical of Sheetz and I feltz guilty to cheatz on my beloved.

Howeverz, despite the cheezy way of using Z’s instead of S’s like they’re trying to appeal to the kidz, Sheetz iz slightly better bcuz you can actually eatz your made-to-order food at most Sheetz locationz. Yez, you can actually take your date to a gaz station for a romantic dinner of made-to-order subz, wrapz and coffeez.

If you really want to impress, perhaps go for the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino.

I was thirsty for a 32-ounce fountain Diet Dr Pepper when I entered Sheetz, but when I saw the little decal on the DIY Cappuccino… ahem, I mean Cupo’ccino machine, my thirst for something ice cold disappeared. This hot liquid is a Keystone state powerhouse; not only does it come from Sheetz, but it’s Tastykake-flavored. I think the only thing that could possibly trump this would be a scrapple-flavored Cupo’ccino served in a plastic Phillies (or Pirates) helmet that Dairy Queen used to use for their sundaes (I ALWAYS got the damn Montreal Expos). Or maybe a cheesesteak-flavored cupo’ccino served inside of the Liberty Bell. Luckily for this non-native Pennsylvanian, scrapple or cheesesteak flavor is not available as a beverage choice in the Cupo’ccino machine at Sheetz.

The drink comes out steaming hot, but extremely watery looking. It wasn’t promising, especially how I was fantasizing how good this thing was going to be after discovering one of my favorite snack cakes morphed into a drinkable concoction found only at a glorified gas station (Yes, it’s also a restaurant, but it IS technically a gas station).

Hotter than a freakin’ supernova when it hits your tongue, the Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino isn’t as yummy as a heavily sweetened pseudo coffee beverage can be. I’ve had my fair share of hot chocolates and phony cappuccinos from Sheetz’s rival, and they’re always good. Yes, they have enough sugar to rot your teeth and gums, but they still have substance. The Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino would have been better if it wasn’t so thin. It had the potential to be creamy and good.

Maybe it was running out and I got short changed. Since it’s only $1.39, I might be willing to give it another try if I’m ever near a Sheetz. Then again, I’ll probably go for that fountain Diet Dr Pepper, or just splurge a dollar more and order one of their barista style coffees. Oh, excuse me, coffeez.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Sheetz Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino
Price: $1.39
Size: 16 ounces (medium)
Purchased at: Sheetz
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s Tastykake flavored. Being able to sit down at a gas station and eat a meal. Baseball helmet sundaes. Possibility of using the Liberty Bell to serve liquids. DIY coffee machines.
Cons: Super watery. The god-awful way they spell items at Sheetz. Tons of sugar and fat. Always getting the Montreal Expos sundae helmet. Doesn’t taste butterscotchy enough.

It seems like the holiday season came and went faster than an unsuspecting family who hoped to pick up a pet rabbit at the infamous Nevada establishment known as the Moonlite BunnyRanch. After trying to find a proper place to dispose of your Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush, it’s time to go through your loot and decide what you’re going to keep, what you’re going to regift and what is heading back to store.

When I received the Mr. Coffee Café Frappe, I was happy. However, I wasn’t as excited as I was Christmas 1993 when I received an amazing 16-bit gaming console known as the Sega Genesis. But needless to say, over the years I’ve become jaded, bitter and a crotchety woman. That is, of course, if I don’t have my coffee. Once I have at least one cup in my system I’m ready for the day.

The Mr. Coffee Café Frappe seemed like it was the perfect countertop machine for me because I love the icy treats from Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts, but I’m cheaper than an elderly man who insists on getting senior citizen discounts at the Moonlite BunnyRanch. In fact, I’m so cheap that when I found out Dunkin’ Donuts gives senior discounts, I was tempted to buy a Wilfred Brimley mask and go to the nearest location so that I could get my coffee fix for 50 cents cheaper. But I didn’t because I’m too cheap to buy the mask.

The Café Frappe is pretty easy to operate; after the coffee brews, you add two cups of ice, milk and whatever else your caffeine-powered heart desires. The pitcher makes one large serving or two smaller servings, but that is if the unit works. After making my first frappe (a coffee and mint concoction with chocolate soy milk) and cleaning the pitcher, the machine would not turn on again.

Nothing that a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond couldn’t fix, right?

Wrong.

Apparently this smoothie coffee maker hybrid was the hot item this year for people who buy random kitchen appliances and use them once. So a gift turned into a hunt to find a Mr. Coffee Café Frappe within a 50-mile radius. After finally finding one, I was able to make unique and sinful frappes like The Lady Godiva, which is tiramisu flavored coffee and a few shots of Godiva chocolate liqueur. The Café Frappe is a great machine to impress party guests, but it would take a lot of time to make enough for a group of people, like all of the women one can choose from at the Moonlite BunnyRanch.

Just like that Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine I had when I was just a wee little girl, I’m sure the novelty of the Mr. Coffee Café Frappe will wear off and become the coffee lover’s version of the Margaritaville Margarita Maker, Power Juicer and every As Seen on TV appliance.

Item: Mr. Coffee Café Frappe
Price: Received as gift but retails for $79.95
Purchased at: Bed Bath & Beyond
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Easy to set up. Easy to make. Coming up with your own recipes that Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts can’t make due to legal reasons. Wilfred Brimley Masks. Sega Genesis.
Cons: Quality of the machine isn’t the best. Doesn’t make a large quantity of frozen delicious beverages. No College Student Discount at Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts. Driving around to return gifts.

I’m waiting for Starbucks to snap their fingers and say, “Oh, no you didn’t,” in response to the McDonald’s Frappé, which is McDonald’s take on Starbucks’ Frappuccino.

After that point, I hope they get into a shouting match that involves verbal jabs that use their menu items as replacement terms for the violent acts they’re going to do to each other, like “I’m going to go all Grande Espresso on yo’ ass!” or “I’m going to Big Mac yo’ McNuggets!”

The McDonald’s Frappé is the company’s latest product to entice Gap/Banana Republic/J. Crew-wearing Starbucks drinkers into their restaurants. With this new addition to the McCafe menu, you and I will no longer need to wait in long lines, while smelling coffee beans being ground, at Starbucks for our ice blended coffee drink fix.

Instead, we can now wait in the long lines at McDonald’s and smell strips of potatoes being deep fried.

I like my coffee the same way I like my ice cream sundaes, made with ample amounts of cream, sugar, chocolate, caramel and whipped cream, and both the Mocha and Caramel Frappé provides all of that to mask the bitterness of coffee for me. Each Frappé is blended with ice and either a mocha coffee or caramel coffee base, then it’s topped with whipped cream and drizzled with either a chocolate or caramel syrup.

With the Frappé, McDonald’s does an excellent job at combining the flavor of their coffee with the nutrition facts of their burgers. While the Starbucks Frappuccino has more of a coffee flavor, the Frappé has a very strong cream taste. Both flavors were delicious, although I felt they were a bit too sweet. The Caramel one had a flavor that reminded me of coffee ice cream. While not slush-like, both blended beverages contained enough ice granules to provide me the opportunity to crush them between my teeth, which is a simple pleasure of mine, like watching the sunset or plucking the hair to separate my unibrow.

Another difference between the Frappuccino and Frappé are their nutritional values, which in some cases are quite significant. For example, a small Mocha Frappé has 170 more calories, twice the saturated fat, contains trans fat and 20 grams more sugar than a small (Tall) Mocha Frappuccino. Although to be fair, despite being “healthier” than a Frappé, a regular Frappuccino would not help you if you’re trying to fit into your wedding dress or win The Biggest Loser.

The McDonald’s Frappé are a good addition to the McCafe menu. They may have the same amount of calories and fat as a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger, but I guess that’s to be expected since a Frappé is considered a dessert-type of beverage…and because it’s from the Golden Arches. Both flavors are delicious and I’d probably wait in a line at McDonald’s, with the smell of french fries in the air, to purchase another while wearing a Banana Republic outfit.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces (small) – Mocha – 450 calories, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 56 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 2% iron. Caramel – 450 calories, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 57 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Frappé (Mocha & Caramel)
Price: $2.79
Size: Small (12 ounces)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Reasonably priced. If you enjoy a Frappuccino, you’ll probably enjoy this. Caramel Frappé tastes like coffee ice cream. Using fast food menu items as replacement terms for the violent acts. Plucking eyebrows. Banana Republic Outlets.
Cons: Might be a bit too sweet for some. Worse nutrition facts than Starbucks Frappuccinos. Contains trans fats. Buying clothes at full price at Banana Republic. Waiting in long lines.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

James Cameron’s Avatar will probably make a billion dollars. But what’s even more impressive is that it doesn’t have a Celine Dion love song that will be played ad nauseam on radio stations. (via Pajiba)

If you think a sandwich Frankensteined together using a Big Mac, Filet O Fish, McChicken and Egg & Sausage McMuffin looks scary, imagine a McDonaldland character with Ronald McDonald’s head, Grimace’s body, Mayor McCheese’s arms, Birdie the Early Bird’s legs and the Hamburglar’s voice. (via Eating the Road)

I will state the obvious. A beverage that comes out of a worm’s butt will taste like something that comes out of a worm’s butt. (via Everyview)

A coffee called Wake the Fuck Up doesn’t really sound like an effective coffee. Do you know what would be? Punch to the Face Coffee or Replace Your Alarm Clock With A Growling Lion Without a Snooze Button Coffee. (via Energy Fiend and Possessed by Caffeine)

Never mind the fact that there are only six more shopping days left until Christmas. More importantly, there are only a few more days left for you to enjoy IHOP’s Holiday Hotcakes. (via We Rate Stuff)

WIBIA reviewed five chili dogs. (via Would I Buy It Again)

When I think of “Hot Lips,” soda doesn’t come to mind. Two acronyms do — M*A*S*H and S.T.D. (via The Soda Jerks)

Celine Dion image via Wikimedia Commons / Creative Commons Attribution 2.0

So lemme get this straight.

The Monster X-Presso Hammer has the same amount of energy ingredients and tastes similar to a regular Java Monster Coffee Energy Drink, except it’s made in the Netherlands, comes in a can that’s more than 50 percent smaller, and it costs the same.

I’m sold!

Now I wonder if Monster Energy has a bridge, building or a used 1986 Yugo GV with a faulty transmission to sell me. Also, while we’re at it Monster Energy, here are my credit card numbers with security codes and let me bend over for you.

With only 6.75 ounces of espresso goodness, the Monster X-Presso Hammer competes with the 6.5-ounce Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso in the lightweight coffee drink division. When comparing the two, it’s more than just the size of their cans, albeit the size difference is minimal, with the Hammer being like a 32B cup and the Doubleshot being like a 32A.

The Hammer has a significantly creamier taste than the Doubleshot, which is why it has a flavor similar to the bigger and tasty Java Monster line. However, because it’s creamier, the espresso flavor isn’t as prominent as it is with the Doubleshot.

But what really sets the Monster X-Presso Hammer apart from the Starbucks Doubleshot is its use of nitrous oxide, which Monster also used in their latest line of energy drinks. The nitrous oxide helps creates a froth when the beverage is poured into a glass, making it look like an espresso beverage from a coffee shop. It’s kind of a neat trick, but unfortunately it doesn’t come with a cute barista to make a heart or some kind of art in the froth.

Overall, I’m not sure the Monster X-Presso Hammer is worth the price. It tastes similar and provides the same strong energy kick as the larger Java Monster Energy Drinks, which are also the same price. If you enjoy the bitter flavor of an espresso, the Starbucks Doubleshot would be the better choice. But if you love tulips, windmills, clogs and want to support the Netherlands via their exports, then the Monster X-Presso Hammer is for you.

(NOTE: The Monster X-Presso Hammer is made in the Netherlands, but isn’t available in the Netherlands.)

(Supplement Facts – 1 can – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 50% vitamin C, 100% vitamin B2, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 14% calcium, 9% phosphorus, 4% potassium.)

(NOTE: Everyview gave it an 8 out of 10 rating and ED Junkie gave its flavor a B-.)

Item: Monster X-Presso Hammer
Price: $2.59
Size: 6.75 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice creamy coffee flavor. Nice jolt of energy. Nitrous oxide helps create a froth. Slightly bigger can than the Starbucks Doubleshot. The Netherlands. Tulips.
Cons: Tastes too similar to the Java Monster Energy Drink line. If you enjoy the flavor of espresso, the Starbucks version is better. No cute barista to make coffee art. Not available in the Netherlands.

Last week, Cold Stone Creamery began selling iced and blended coffees made with its proprietary ice cream mixes in five flavors that sound like members of an all-girl pop group: Sweet Cream Latte (the cute one), Vanilla Creme Latte (the shy one), Milk Caramel Latte (the sporty one), Rich Mocha Latte (the spoiled one) and Raspberry Truffle Mocha Latte (the bad one). Each beverage is also topped with whipped cream and decorative sweets, from raspberry to caramel.

These caffeinated coffee drinks sound decadent and they probably are. So if you don’t want to feel guilty after consuming one of these, you can either not drink them or order the “light” versions of them, which use skim milk and have a third less calories.

They will be available at all Cold Stone locations nationwide starting at $1.99 for a limited time. Also, don’t forget, if you leave something in the tip jar they will probably sing to you while making it. And if you take something from the tip jar you will have a little more money to spend.