The list of beverages that contain the word “zero” in their name is significantly larger than zero.

Here, I’ll let you count some of them: Coke Zero, Sprite Zero, VitaminWater Zero, Powerade Zero, Propel Zero, Monster Absolutely Zero Energy Drink, Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink, Fanta Zero, Dr Pepper Zero, Big Red Zero, Sodastream Zero Cola, Pibb Zero, Virgil’s Zero Root Beer, Diet Rite Pure Zero, Schweppes Zero Cream Soda, Mello Yello Zero, and now Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink.

Wow. That’s a lot of zeroes. I haven’t seen that many zeroes since Chicago White Sox pitcher Philip Humber’s perfect game. Or if you’re reading this in 2013 or beyond, or have no idea what a perfect game is…I haven’t seen that many zeroes since I stood in between two parallel mirrors and looked at an infinite reflection of myself.

Companies attach the word “zero” to their beverages for several reasons. They either contain zero grams of sugar, zero calories, zero grams of carbohydrates, or any combination of the three. Although with some beverages, I’d like to think the word “zero” equates to the zero creativity used to come up with a name, instead taking whatever another company used.

As for Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink, it has no calories, zero grams of sugar, and zero grams of carbohydrates. Although, if I wanted to be a total prick about it, I could say it’s not “total zero” because it has 60 milligrams of sodium and less than one gram of protein. Oh, I should note my head hurt trying to wrap my brain around the fact that for some strange reason the 12-ounce size has ten calories. That there is some crazy ass food math.

Wait, I just thought of something.

If Coca-Cola, who started this “zero” beverage trend, makes Dasani Zero bottled water, I swear I’m going to punch a polar bear in the face.

Red Bull Total Zero has a similar aroma and the same amber color as the other two Red Bull varieties (original and sugar free), and it has the same amounts of taurine and caffeine, both of which are supposed to give Red Bull drinkers wings. I estimate I’ve consumed almost 50 cans of Red Bull, but despite all that liquid and lots of bell ringing, I have yet to get my wings.

As for Red Bull Total Zero’s flavor, it isn’t as syrupy as regular Red Bull and it’s slightly more artificial sweetener-y than Red Bull Sugar Free, but it has that distinct Red Bull flavor. In order to be calorie, carb, and sugar free, Red Bull Total Zero contains the Three Sweeteneers: Aspartame, Sucralose, and Acesulfame K. Red Bull Sugar Free contains just Aspartame and Acesulfame K.

Overall, I think Red Bull Total Zero is decent, but between it and Red Bull Sugar Free, I prefer the latter because it’s smoother. Sure, the sugar free version has ten calories and three grams of carbohydrates, but that’s an insignificant difference. I think I just burned ten calories and three grams of carbohydrates by typing this paragraph.

(Nutrition Facts – 8.4 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Other Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink reviews:
ED Junkie
Caffeine King

Our video review:

Item: Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink
Price: $2.29
Size: 8.4 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Has familiar Red Bull flavor. No calories, carbs, and sugar. It’s a Wonderful Life reference. Another option to mix with alcohol. Perfect games in baseball.
Cons: Not great if you hate aspartame and sucralose. Pricey when compared with other energy drinks. Slightly harsher than Red Bull Sugar Free. Excessive use of the word “zero” in the beverage industry. Dasani Zero.

Update: Click here to read our Red Bull Total Zero review

In April, Red Bull will release nationwide a zero calorie, zero carbohydrate, and zero sugar energy drink called, Red Bull Total Zero. Personally, the only Red Bull products I would call total zeroes are Red Bull Cola and Red Bull Energy Shot, because they failed commercially and were discontinued.

In order to be calorie, carbohydrate, and sugar free, Red Bull Total Zero is sweetened with aspartame, sucralose, and acesulfame K. To help you get your wings, the energy drink contains B vitamins, caffeine, and taurine.

Red Bull Total Zero will come in the usual Red Bull 8.4 ounce can, but it will also be available in 12 and 16 ounce cans. The 8.4 ounce size will have a suggested retail price of $2.19, the 12 ounce size will be priced at $2.99, and the 16 ounce can will cost $3.79.

The nutrition facts for a can of Red Bull Total Zero aren’t all zeroes. Along with the 0 calories, 0 grams of carbohydrates, and 0 grams of sugar, it also has 0 grams of fat, but it has 60 milligrams of sodium, less than 1 gram of protein, 100% niacin, 80% vitamin B12, 250% vitamin B6, and 50% pantothenic acid.

Source: Drinkfolio

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

The makers of Rockstar Energy Drink has a new tranquility beverage that I’m guessing makes you relax like a rockstar. I’m going to assume that rockstar is Willie Nelson. (via Thirsty Dudes)

Google Translate tell me the “dinamita” in Doritos Dinamita is English for “dynamite.” Wile E. Coyote hasn’t been successful in catching the Road Runner with regular dynamite, so maybe he needs to order these from the Frito-Lay Corporation. (via The Bootleg Guy)

Walmart now offers a store brand version of something similar to MiO Liquid Water Enhancer. I wish Kmart would make themselves something similar to Target. (via Drinkable Review)

Some company makes haggis chocolates. If you don’t know what haggis is, Google it and then wish you hadn’t. (via Chocolate Reviews)

Trader Joe’s takes a cookie and puts popcorn inside it. Next, I’d like Trader Joe’s to take this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and put a Trader Joe’s on it. (via A Sweet Score)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Don’t know what Century Eggs are? Well, if you point your cursor right here and click your mouse button, you’ll find out…and maybe regret it. (via Rodzilla Reviews)

Energy supplement companies are running out of orifices for us to stick their products in. They better hope we start growing gills. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

With the name these patties have, I’m glad they aren’t the meat kind. (via Revolting Snacks of America)

I expected an ectoplasm energy drink to be more ectoplasmy. It should crawl through my body, cause me to be possessed by evil spirits, and then ooze out of every orifice. (via Food Junk)

Sacrebleu! Croque Pain Doré! Les Canadiens sont chanceux! (via Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Hmm…Peanut butter jelly in a slimy energy bar form or, with a few more ingredients, a form that’ll make me drunk enough to eat peanut butter jelly in a slimy energy bar form. Decisions. (via Crazy Food Dude and Food Junk)

Turns out the McDonald’s Hot Habanero sauce is as spicy as a Ronald McDonald and Wendy romance. (via An Immovable Feast)

There’s already a Big Cock Energy Drink, so of course someone had to make a Little Pussie Energy Drink. So now that this low bar has been set, I guess we just have to wait for Guarana Gangbang Go-Go Juice. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Swedish fish…but not what many of you might be thinking of. (via Dave’s Cupboard)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

You got your Tabasco in my chocolate! You got your chocolate in my Tabasco! Two great tastes that seem kind of weird together. (via Candyblog)

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her Greens & Whey. Along came a spider, who landed in the Greens & Whey beside her and its taste scared the spider away. (via Rodzilla Reviews)

Spoiler alert! The surprise in this Pure Protein Peanut Butter Caramel Surprise Bar is that it sucks. (via Crazy Food Dude)

Damn the Japanese and their foods that are too cute to eat. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Only a handful of you will get this reference: So move back ya self dread, you know the element. The Tribe is good for your health like a can of Nutrament. (via Foodette Reviews)