I believe I have found something worse than coal that Santa can give out to the naughty kids for Christmas this year.

If jolly St. Nick wants to be pissed off St. Dick and punish all the little shits around the world, he should stick the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink in their stockings because it is probably one of the most vile beverages I have ever put between my lips and down my gullet.

It’s like they took the essence of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, strained it into liquid form, added a little carbonation, and sealed it in an aluminum can, because much like the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, this beverage made me cry, grimace, and shout out loud, “DAMN, THAT’S FUCKING NASTY!”

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t know what 2 Girls 1 Cup is, it is VERY NSFW (Insert Fark bill here). It is so horribly disgusting that I am not even going to provide a link for it. It is one of the most repulsive things I have ever seen…a couple dozen times.)

The best way I can describe the taste of the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink is to say that its tart chemical flavor was like drinking a photo darkroom. Its ingredients consisted of water, organic kombucha concentrate, organic green tea, organic cane juice, black currant (cassis) juice concentrate, cherry juice concentrate, and carbonation. The cherry and the cassis give it a tartness, the green tea gives it antioxidants, while the kombucha gives it a shitiness.

In the context of the ingredients list, kombucha seems like it is a fruit with a funny name, like a jaboticaba, but it is actually a symbiosis of bacteria and yeast. Doesn’t that just roll down your tongue, then down your throat, and then back up your throat? Yummy!

According to the can, kombucha is supposed to detoxify, energize, help strengthen the immune system, aid digestion, and regulate appetite. The only effect I could notice was my lack of appetite, thanks to it making me a little nauseous. Even reading the Wikipedia page about kombucha made me slightly queasy.

With its unusual name and natural origins, it is something I expect hippies and Madonna to be into, but I could not get into it, despite forcing myself to drink half of the can. “I’m sure it is an acquire taste,” I said to myself, but every sip I took felt like what I imagine it is like being Lucifer’s urinal.

Sure, the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink contains all-natural ingredients and is good for you, but I’m pretty certain that someone who drinks their own urine would find this particular Wonder Drink disgusting.

If the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink can make me cry and wince, imagine all the pain and suffering it could cause with all the rotten children out there, perhaps setting them straight. It could help decrease teen pregnancy, lower drug use, increase test scores, and open their eyes to how lame Heelys are.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 can - 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 100 grams of holy-shit-what-the-fuck-is-this!)

Item: Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink
Price: $1.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Uwajimaya
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: 100% natural. Partially organic. Contains green tea and antioxidants. Kombucha is a funny word to say. Those on the nice list.
Cons: Being Lucifer’s urinal. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Not a source of vitamins and minerals. 2 Girls 1 Cup. It tastes like a photo darkroom. 2 Girls 1 Cup. I am not man enough to drink an entire can. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Heelys. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Those on the naughty list.

Since when has pomegranate ever been festive?

When I think of Christmas, I don’t think about pomegranate, but according to the snowflake covered packaging of the limited-time-only Pomegranate 7UP, it might be the second coming of mistletoe. I can think of many things more festive than pomegranate. People waking up at 3:00 a.m. on Black Friday to wait in line at 4:00 a.m. for a slim chance to get a $399 laptop or $10 DVD player, but when they get there, there’s already fifty people in line wanting the same shit is more Christmassy than pomegranate.

I don’t know of anyone who adds the pomegranate berry to trees, wreaths, or holiday centerpieces. I can’t think of anyone who uses its juice to either permanently stain all their clothes to holiday readiness or to paint a Santa suit on their skin. There also isn’t anyone who thinks pomegranate makes Rudolph’s nose red, adds color to Santa’s cheeks, or stunts the growth of elves, making them so short that I want to punt them through goal posts. So how can pomegranate suddenly be holiday-ish?

When I found out about the Pomegranate 7UP, I didn’t think to myself, “Move over, egg nog, I’m going to get fat off of another beverage this season.” But wait, now that I think about it, how would I get fat off of pomegranate? After all, it’s healthy and full of antioxidants.

Thankfully, the wonderful folks at 7UP have solved this dilemma for me, because according to the ingredients list on its packaging, the Pomegranate 7UP has no pomegranate in it and enough sugar to replace the fat content of egg nog, which will help me if I want to become a shopping mall Santa without the need for a fat suit. I know it says “100% Natural Flavors” on the label, but when there’s no juice in its ingredients to give this soda its flavor, you’ve got to wonder whether it’s as natural as Demi Moore’s face.

There definitely is a pomegranate flavor to it, although it’s kind of light. Its overall flavor is good and not sickly sweet, despite the 31 grams of sugar per cup. However, unless you love the taste of pomegranate as much as I love boobs, I don’t see any real reason to purchase this variation of 7UP. The whole point of putting pomegranate into something is for its health benefits, but when there’s no pomegranate to be found, it’s like a golddigger sleeping with MC Hammer in 1996 and then finding out that he’s bankrupt.

Oh, how I miss Pepsi Holiday Spice.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 cup - 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbs, 31 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0 grams of caffeine, and 0 grams actual pomegranateness)

Item: Pomegranate 7UP
Price: $1.49 (2-liters)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good. Not sickly sweet. My love of boobs. Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting a $399 laptop on Black Friday.
Cons: Seems like there’s no actual pomegranate. HFCS. No sweet, sweet caffeine. 31 grams of sugar per cup. Golddiggers. Not getting a $399 laptop on Black Friday.

Fuck! Shit! Goji!

I ♥ profanity — probably a little too fuc…I mean, kiwin’ much. It’s so bad that I think I make dirty sailors blush. I can’t help it because using certain four-letter words seem like the only way I can express what I’m truly feeling. When the cops are about to knock down my door, the words, “Oh, snarf” just doesn’t seem right. Or if I’m ever in the heat of passion, the words, “Oooh, baby. You like the way I fudge you?” are probably the least erotic words I could say in bed.

But as I get older, I realize that I need to cut back on my swearing for the sake of my future children and because I’m slowly replacing every noun I know with the word “shit.”

“Did you see that shit?” or “Can you get a shit of shit from the shit?”

So I’ve tried to quit swearing in numerous ways. The first shit…I mean, goji I tried was using a swear jar, putting a certain amount of money in a jar every time I used profanity and donating that money to a worth cause. That didn’t work very well, but some UNICEF kid got really lucky this past Halloween with his orange box. If the commercials on television are correct, I think I gave him enough shi…I mean, goji to feed a third-world village for a year.

Then I figured if I’m doing it for the children, I should surrounded myself with young children and hang out at Chuck E. Cheese. You would think being around easily impressionable young minds might make me want to hold my tongue, but being around hyperactive, annoying children, who do nothing but cry and complain, had the opposite effect on me. Now those children are not only hyperactive and annoying, they also have a few more words in their vocabulary that I’m sure their parents don’t appreciate and I’ve been banned from Chuck E. Cheese.

So now I’m trying to substitute all my swear words with names of exotic fruits and so far it’s kind of working. Why names of exotic fruits? Because they sound like profanity in foreign languages. Guess which of the following words are names of exotic fruits and which are foreign swear words: salak, gunggong, skila, goji, merde, pajuo, matisia, vlaka, rambai, kuso, rambutan, goumari, noni, salaud, luntao, santol, hako, tassepe, kiwi, culone, jaboticaba, putanginamo.

I fuck up…I mean, I kiwi up once in awhile, but slowly and surely I’m becoming less dependent on profanity. How did I come up with this idea? I have to thank the new Snapple Juice Drinks I’ve been drinking, which come in four flavors, but I only tried the Noni Berry, Kiwi Pear, and Goji Punch. The juice drink label is a little misleading since according to the bottles they each contain between 5-10 percent juice.

Each flavor in the new Snapple Juice Drink line has a health benefit. The low-calorie noni and kiwi flavors help with metabolism, while the not-so-low-calorie goji one aids with immunity. So boys and girls, if you want to kill someone, drink some Snapple Goji Punch before you do it.

Oh wait, the other kiwin’ fighting germs-type of immunity.

The 40 grams of sugar in the Goji Punch might not help with either definition of immunity, since sugar is known to weaken the white blood cells in your body. As for helping with metabolism, it might seem a little more realistic since according to the bottle, studies show that consumption of 300 milligrams of EGCG antioxidants per day with caffeine helps boost metabolism and each bottle contains 30 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine and 55 milligrams of EGCG.

As for taste, the Noni Berry flavor tasted like the strawberry-kiwi Vitamin Water; the Kiwi Pear flavor had a strong pear scent, but had an equal balance of pear and kiwi flavor; and the Goji Punch tasted like berry, berry watered down berry vodka. The first two were good despite a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste, while the goji one was really fuckin’ shitty…I mean, kiwin’ shitty…I mean, fuckin’ gojity…I mean, kiwin’ gojity.

Oh, fuck it.

(Nutrition Facts - Noni Berry & Kiwi Pear - Serving Size: 1 bottle - 20 calories, 0 grams of fat, 70 milligrams of sodium, 2 to 4 grams of carbs, 2 gram of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 30 milligrams of caffeine, 55 milligrams of EGCG, and 50 grams of non-sexy exoticness.)

(Nutrition Facts - Goji Punch - Serving Size: 1 bottle - 180 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbs, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin E, and 25 grams of non-sexy exoticness.)

Item: Snapple Juice Drinks
Price: $1.19 each (17.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Despite being low calorie and containing artificial sweeteners, the Noni Berry and Kiwi Pear tasted pretty good. Sweet, sweet caffeine and antioxidants in the noni and kiwi flavors. Using exotic fruit names to help cut back on swearing. Helped a third-world village this Halloween.
Cons: Not much juice in these juice drinks. Goji Punch has a lot of sugar. My inability to hold back my swearing. Being banned from Chuck E. Cheese. You like the way I fudge you?

When I was young, I used to have elegant tea parties. I would put on my Sunday’s best and bring out my finest China plasticware. Some of you may think that tea parties are “girly” and my parents may have “wondered” about me at that time, but when the party guests included Megatron, hooded Cobra Commander, Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter, Kikaida, a 1983 Topps Steve Balboni baseball card, and Tenderheart Bear it automatically became a manly tea party.

Unfortunately, tea was never served at my parties, since my mother wouldn’t let me near the stove due to my pyromaniac tendencies and my dad wouldn’t let me pour hot water due to being prone to what he called “Bill Buckner hands.” So I served room temperature tap water at my tea parties, which is much like the equivalent of having wine coolers at a wine tasting party.

Sure my tea parties were sausage-fests, but it was less about who was there and more about what we talked about. In those days, we would discuss democracy in Eastern Europe, the pros and cons of both VHS and Betamax tapes, the rise of the Japanese Yen, and ask each other whose double-Ts were hotter, Smurfette or Scarlett.

Now that I’m grown up and over my pyromaniac and Bill Buckner tendencies, I could have tea parties with actual tea, but most of my tea party friends are no longer with me. I sold Megatron on eBay for $75, hooded Cobra Commander is lost in the yard somewhere, Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter is in its original box sitting on a shelf at my parent’s house, Kikaida was sold at a garage sale, and my 1983 Topps Steve Balboni card was attached to my BMX bike to make fake motorcycle sounds. Thankfully, Tenderheart Bear still sleeps with me every single night, so I wouldn’t be faced with the ways of the alcoholic and drinking alone.

Recently, we tried the Snapple Classic Black Teas, which come in three traditional black tea flavors: English Breakfast, Earl Grey, and Orange Pekoe. Each of them are lightly sweetened and all-natural. They also contain less than 100 calories per bottle, have antioxidants, and should be served chilled.

I shared some with Tenderheart Bear as we discussed the rise of the Canadian dollar, the impact of Wal-Mart on small business, how mediocre the TV show Heroes is this season, and the likelihood that a woman would get an STD from a member of an 1980s hair band…including the drummer. We also gave our thoughts about the Snapple Classic Black Teas and Tenderhear Bear, a connoisseur of teas, didn’t care for them too much.

He thought each of them tasted like someone made tea, forgot they made tea, left it on the kitchen counter for a day, realized they made tea the day before, was too lazy to reheat the tea, was to cheap to throw out the tea, and added a couple of lumps of processed sugar to the tea. He thought they all captured the essence of the flavors, but felt that serving them cold didn’t do them justice and the sugar did kind of ruin the flavor of the tea. He admitted that he’s a purist and would prefer to drink these flavors as hot tea.

It was nice catching up with Tenderheart Bear even though we see each other every night. That quality time spent together got me thinking about starting up tea parties again. I could invite Tenderheart Bear, my iPod for musical conversations, my black pinstripe dress shirt from Banana Republic for fashion topics, my laser printer for literary subjects, and maybe condom tin to talk about why I’m still not getting any.

(Nutrition Facts - One bottle (varies per flavor) - 70 to 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 to 5 milligrams of sodium, 17 to 22 grams of carbs, 17 to 21 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of sugar.)

Item: Snapple Classic Black Teas
Price: FREE (Retail price - $1.39)
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Antioxidants. All-natural. Made with real sugar and honey. Less than 100 calories per bottle. Scarlett (I dig redheads).
Cons: Tastes like cold tea that someone accidently threw in sugar. The sugar kind of ruins the flavor of the tea. These flavors taste better hot. Drinking alone. Steve Balboni’s ability to strikeout.

If Mother Nature finds out how bad the Full Throttle Mother energy drink tastes, which is named after her because it gets its flavor and energy from natural sources, she’s going to be fucking pissed and I’m afraid of the horrors she’ll unleash upon us. Just like Whitney Houston on crack or a bald Britney Spears, when Mother Nature gets mad, that bitch gets crazy.

Perhaps she’ll create hurricanes, tornadoes, snow storms, a celebrity sex tape that shows too much of her “forest,” sand storms, really hard rain, hail, or any other crazy shit found in the 2004 movie The Day After Tomorrow.

To prepare for the possible apocalypse, I’ve already started stocking up on bottled water, canned goods, batteries, waterproof matches, ponchos, toilet paper, and a first aid kit. I’m also bringing my list of women who have said that the only way they would have sex with me is if I’m the last man on Earth. If Mother Nature releases her wrath, which is more powerful than the Wrath of Khan, but with less breastfeeding than The Grapes of Wrath, I maybe getting laid.

I should’ve known that the Full Throttle Mother energy drink was going to be bad, after all, it does have the word “bad” on its can. They put the word “bad” on there as part of a marketing tagline, but it’s really an omen. The energy drink itself had a tart and bitter taste to it, which made every sip seem like Mother Nature was slapping me across my face and saying, “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

With apple, pear, and blueberry juice, along with acai berry listed in the ingredients, I was hoping that the Full Throttle Mother energy drink would be deliciously sweet, but for some reason that combination turned out wrong, like mixing the potent sperm of Kevin Federline with the egg from any ovulating female. Although no matter how wrong its flavor turned out, the bitchslapping with every sip did help keep me alert until the caffeine kicked in.

Speaking of sweet, sweet caffeine, the 142 milligrams of it per 16-ounce can is probably the only really redeeming quality about the Full Throttle Mother energy drink. That’s enough of caffeine to jump start your day or cause possible heart palpitations after a long night of playing Halo 3.

Overall, the Full Throttle Mother energy drink is bad, just like its can says. It’s probably one of the worst tasting energy drinks I’ve had. Getting its energy from natural sources and having natural flavors is nice, but it would be even better if it were a USDA certified organic energy drink, like Steaz Energy Drink. It does have a nice amount of caffeine per can, although I have to say that the caffeine content might not be enough to impress Mother Nature to prevent her from unleashing the worst PMS-ing ever for naming a bad product after her.

(Nutritional Facts - one 16-ounce can - 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbs, 53 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% RDA of Vitamin E, 40% RDA of Niacin, 40% RDA of Vitamin B6, 20% RDA of Vitamin B12, 1,182 milligrams (or 1.182 milligrams - I can’t tell from the can if it’s a comma or period) of acai extract, 177 milligrams of ginseng extract, and 1.4 milligrams of guarana extract)

(Editor’s Note: Taurine Rules also reviewed Full Throttle Mother, but with less getting laid references.)

Item: Full Throttle Mother
Price: $1.89 (16 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Made out of natural flavors and energy from natural sources. 142 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Did give me a boost of energy.
Cons: Bad bitter and tart taste. Lame product name. Mother Nature’s wrath. Not organic. Crackhead Whitney Houston. A bald Britney Spears. Heart palpitations. Being bitchslapped by Mother Nature. Kevin Federline’s potent sperm.

The Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie has more grass types than your average golf course and corner nickelbag dealer have combined. Each bottle contains wheat grass, barley grass, oat grass, alfalfa, sprulina, and chlorella. It’s been awhile since bullies made me eat grass in grade school, so I didn’t fully remember what it tasted like, but after drinking this smoothie, it’s slowly coming back to me.

Fortunately, the smoothie doesn’t just contain grass, because that would be the shittiest smoothie ever. It also has apple juice, grape juice, bananas, mangos, and the popular açai berry. Much like how Timbaland can make a song sound much better, these fruits and fruit juices made the grass taste better, although not as good as I hoped.

If you’ve ever had a bad raisin, you have an idea of what the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie tastes like. It was pretty disgusting when I first drank it, but the more I drank, the better it got. It’s the same thing with the movie Battlefield Earth. If you take a shot every time John Travolta overacts, within ten minutes the movie will be on the same level as Gigli.

The taste of this maroon-colored beverage will make most people gag, and so will most beverages described as tasting like a “bad raisin,” but I have a trick that you can use to hopefully make it more tolerable. All you have to do is keep telling yourself how healthy the all grass and Açai berries are for you. It’s like the mental equivalent of pinching your nose to endure its taste. But if the sight or taste of this doesn’t get to you, perhaps its smell or sludge-like consistency will.

Despite how bad I’m talking about it, I have to say that I actually like the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie. It’s a food with a silver lining. I think because there are so many things in it that are good for you that they negate all the things that make it disgusting. It has antioxidants, healthy omega fats, fiber, and a whole lot of phytonutrients, all of which will decrease the effects of free radicals and probably make Britney Spears’ new single tolerable for about three seconds.

Besides, isn’t that the rule of most healthy foods? They may not taste good, but they are good for you–except iceberg lettuce and orchids used as garnish. I also think it tastes a little bit better than its competitor, the equally disturbing Odwalla Superfood, although the Sambazon smoothie has more calories, less potassium, less Vitamin C, and a little more sugar.

It maybe super healthy, tastes all right, and smells bad, but perhaps the least known fact about the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie is that it may get you a ride if you need a lift someday, because you know what they say:

Ass, gas, or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Item: Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie
Price: $3.39 (10.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Full of healthy shit. Slightly better tasting than the Odwalla Superfood. 100% vegan. Organic. Antioxidants. 7 grams of dietary fiber (28% daily allowance). 4,050 milligrams of healthy omega fats.
Cons: Smells weird. Sludge-like. Its taste is something to get used to. Drinking grass. Eating grass in grade school. Britney’s fucked up new single.

I don’t know much about Dr. Andrew Weil. All I know is that he’s Oprah’s good friend and has a line of Ito En teas with his name on it, like the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha.

Of course, I could assume other things about Dr. Weil by looking at his picture below. He could be Santa Claus. His doctorate could be in the Hippie Dark Arts, which uses free love, Grateful Dead albums, and tie-dye t-shirts for evil. His big, thick, white beard looks like it could holds deep secrets, treasure, or know where in the world is Carmen Sandiego.

I wanted to try the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha because I love green tea and anything six degrees of Oprah. I’ve bought all the books from Oprah’s Book Club, which have made wonderful dust collectors, and a subscription to O Magazine, because when Oprah says “jump,” I say, “How high and am I going to get a free car if I do?”

Some of you out there might not be familiar with the terms, “sencha” and “matcha.” Basically, they are both Japanese green teas. In Japanese, sencha means “broiled tea,” while matcha means “rubbed tea.” To explain it better, I’ll refer to the Ito En box, which says:

Sencha–Japan’s celebrated loose leaf tea–receives a brilliant infusion of matcha, the prized tea used in the tea ceremony. To create sencha, tea leaves are steamed and then fired to bring out a distinctive taste. For matcha, shade-grown leaves are meticulously processed and stone-ground to preserve its herbaceous vitality. When paired together, the result is a sparkling green with a smooth yet invigorating taste.

As a regular green tea connoisseur, who drinks it for its high concentration of antioxidants, to represent my Japanese background, and to stop my trembling hands when I’m jonesing for some caffeine, I’ve had my share of green tea over the years and I have to say that the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha is a good tasting pre-bagged tea.

Having tried matcha in its actual ceremonial Japanese green tea form, I thought the addition of it to this tea would make it very bitter. If you’ve never had green tea from a Japanese tea ceremony, its bitterness is eye-opening, like splashing your face with ice cold water or unexpectedly walking into the sight of a baby popping out of a birth canal.

Thankfully, the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha wasn’t very bitter at all. It wasn’t even as bitter as the Japanese green tea I usually drink, although I’m sure it would’ve been if I steeped it a little more than the instructions on the packaging said.

If there’s one thing that’s slightly bitter about the Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha, it’s the price, which runs around seven dollars for ten tea bags. My usual green tea on sale costs $1.50 for a box of 16 tea bags; however, if Oprah says I need to buy it, I’ll buy it, just like if Oprah jumped into a volcano, I would follow.

Item: Ito En Dr. Andrew Weil for Tea Sencha with Matcha
Price: $6.99 (10 bags)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good green tea. Oprah. Easy to drink. Oprah. Has production date printed on it. Oprah. Green tea is full of antioxidants. Oprah. Not as bitter as my usual green tea. I love you, Oprah. Anything six degree of Oprah.
Cons: Significantly more expensive than my usual green tea. The bitterness of matcha from a Japanese tea ceremony. Hippie Dark Arts.

I’m frickin’ tired of The King sneaking up on me.

Doesn’t he have anything better to do? He’s a king. Shouldn’t he be running a kingdom, causing oppression somewhere, or at least being a powerless figurehead? If I had a nickel for every time The King snuck up on me and offered something from the Burger King menu, I would be rich enough to buy a Big Mac.

It was really creepy at first having him randomly appear, but then it was nice having food delivered me and not having to worry about buying groceries. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner he’d just sneak up on me and present me with some form of BK sustenance. The King also knows when to show up for those times other than meals. For example, when I’m at work, I’ll walk out of my office intending to get something from the snack machine, but he’ll just pop out from around the corner and offer me something small like onion rings or a Whopper Jr.

There was this time when I was yawning at my desk and needed some caffeine. Then out of nowhere The King appeared with a Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee. It’s basically coffee with chocolate syrup squirted in and poured over ice. The slightly creamy drink initially had a strong chocolate taste and then was followed by a weak coffee aftertaste that was probably weak because of the overpowering chocolate. With all that chocolate, it was good, but also a little too sweet for me.

But did it give me a boost of energy? Well, anything with 63 grams of sugar in it probably would.

There have also been times when he brought me food at inappropriate moments, like a Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich while reading about Bird Flu in Taiwan and a Burger King Kids Meal while watching Dateline NBC’s To Catch A Predator.

After a few weeks, I got tired of eating Burger King and I gained ten pounds, but The King kept sneaking up on me. I asked him if he could bring me something a lot more healthier, but all he did was bring me a Whopper without mayonnaise. Eventually, I went grocery shopping so I could make my own healthy meals instead of eating Burger King food. Then whenever The King appeared and offered food, I’d tell him I already have something to eat. He would then drop his head in disappointment and walk away, but he’d still be smiling.

After several days of rejecting food from The King, things got really creepy.

One time when I woke up, he was frickin’ naked and standing over me. Let me tell you, it wasn’t fun looking at his little prince and two royal guards. That’s not the very first thing I want to see in the morning. Also, I just want to let you know that not only is his face plastic looking, so is everything else.

This other time, I woke up and caught him looking through my clothes hamper and sniffing my boxers. When he saw me awake, he tried to distract me by shoving a Croissan’wich in my face, while sticking a few worn boxers in his pocket. I don’t think that’s a smile of happiness he has on permanently, it’s a smile of guilt.

And I’m not even going to go into detail about the time he introduced me to what I thought was the new BK hot dog.

I’m not too sure what I’m going to do about The King, but he still sneaks up on me and attempts to serve me Burger King food. Maybe it’s about time I serve him a restraining order.

(Nutritional Facts: 380 calories, 10 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 66 grams of carbs, 63 grams of sugar, 1 gram dietary fiber, and 6 grams of protein.)

Item: Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee
Price: $2.09 (22 ounces)
Purchased at: Burger King (or BK for you cool folks)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Chocolate syrup. Cold. Refreshing. The 63 grams of sugar it contains gave me a quick energy boost.
Cons: Not too much of a coffee flavor. A little too sweet. Having The King sneak up on you. Having The King wake up next to you naked. Having The King sniff your used underwear. Basically, The King is a total perv. The King’s permanent smile.

When I think of Mother Nature, I imagine a little old lady walking on a grassy plain with cheerful birds, bunnies, and butterflies circling around her on a bright sunny day and with a few white lazy clouds here and there.

The setting would be much like the default wallpaper for Windows XP.

With an image like that it’s hard for me to put Mother Nature and energy drink in the same sentence, even though I just did, but believe me it was frickin’ difficult. Energy drinks are for young whippersnappers, not little old ladies who need a cane to walk and need to wear a medical alert bracelet just in case they’ve fallen and can’t get up.

But Coke has brought the two together to make an Acai berry flavored energy drink from natural sources with their new Full Throttle Mother Energy Drink, which has probably the least aggro, extreme, and intense name for an energy drink EVER.

Sure, the name is also kind of oedipus complex-ish and for something that claims to be natural, it doesn’t seem to be organic, but despite all of that, I really look forward to trying it.

[Via:] Energy Fiend

Apparently, Japan has really huge balls.

It has produced some of the most innovative products available, like fuel-efficient hybrid cars; the Nintendo Wii; robotic dogs; vending machines that dispense beer, fried foods, or used schoolgirl panties; and Japanese ads starring American actors who need a quick buck due to their decline in popularity.

But, and this is where Japan earns its huge cojones, it has also developed some of the most fucked up products that no other country has the audacity to create, like tentacle anime porn, numerous products for comforting lonely sukebe men, Pokemon, and now the Japan-only Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

Along with Japan’s huge balls, which I think helps keep its islands afloat with the over 127 million people living on its back, I also think these crazy products Japan comes up with are the result of sucking the sake a little too much, if you know what I’m saying. But I can relate to that, because whenever I pound a few ochoko (small sake cup), I also want to do some crazy shit, like reenact the music video for Prince’s “When Doves Cry.”

How can u just leave me standing?/Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold)/Maybe I’m just 2 demanding/Maybe I’m just like my father 2 bold/Maybe you’re just like my mother/She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)/Why do we scream at each other/This is what it sounds like/When doves cry

To come up with the idea for Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I’m guessing it took quite a lot of sake, just like it did for all the other crazy ideas for beverages in Japan and this commercial starring Nicholas Cage.

Much like how apple juice can look like beer and urine can look like pineapple soda, Pepsi Ice Cucumber’s green color makes it looks like Cepacol Mouthwash. Its flavor is light, just like actual cucumbers. There’s a slight fruitiness to it, but there definitely is a cucumber flavor to it, albeit artificial, like Paris Hilton holding the Bible.

To be honest, the Pepsi Ice Cucumber was not as bad as I thought it would be. Still it’s slightly gross and weird, but there’s something about it that drew me back to it. It’s like the relationship that Lindsay Lohan and rehab have.

Drinking a bottle was a vicious masochistic cycle. I’d take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. A few hours later I’d open my fridge, take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. It took me three days to finish a bottle.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber was available only in Japan, but quickly sold out. Right now, the only way for Westerners to get their hands on a bottle is through the virtual garage sale clusterfuck known as eBay, where prices can get semi-expensive thanks to overzealous capitalism and shipping. Is it worth spending a decent amount of money on this novelty soda?

It really depends on how big your balls are.

(Editor’s Note: Mike’s Blender also reviewed it, but since he lives in Japan, he paid much less for them and in yen.)

Item: Pepsi Ice Cucumber
Price: $24.99 (Three 500 ml bottles)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Not as bad as I thought it would be. Slightly fruity. Something about it makes me come back for more. Japan has huge balls. The Nintendo Wii. Japanese commercials with American actors. Hybrid cars.
Cons: Light artificial cucumber taste was slightly gross and weird. Looks like mouthwash. Only available in Japan. The things I do when I drink too much sake. Anything with Nicholas Cage in it.

I thought my addiction to clown porn was pretty bad, but my dependency on Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water is worse.

It started out innocently when I saw it at the store and wanted to try it out, because I’ll try anything just once. I thought I’d have some fun and then move on. I didn’t think anything would become of it, because who gets addicted off of something after trying it just one time? But after finishing a bottle, the demons in my head crawled out of my subconsciousness and told me they wanted more. I went back and bought the five bottles left on the shelf and went through those in the next two days.

Then I went to another convenience store and bought them out. Then another. Then another. Quickly, the sweet XXX gold dried up and I haven’t found any since, which has caused me to have withdrawals. Not only have I been shaking and paranoid, there also have been nights when I looked through my recycle bin and pulled out all the XXX bottles to see if any of them had just a drop of that sweet, slightly-watery tasting liquid, that at this point, I would totally suck a dick for, much like other addicts would in my situation.

Maybe now that Coke has bought Glacéau, I have to suck on Coke’s cock to get more of it. I just hope it’s not as thick as a can of Coke or as long as a 20-ounce bottle.

I went multiple times to see my dealer that hangs out at 7-Eleven and asked how I can get more of it, but my dealer, who likes to be called “7-Eleven Manager,” told me that she wished she could get her hands on the stuff too since it sells out pretty fast. She then told me she’s got other Glacéau Vitamin Water flavors that she can sell me that are just as good the XXX, but I told her, “Naw man, I want the real deal. None any of that pussy shit.”

But I may just have to settle for the pussy shit for now, because I’m getting desperate.

O-h-h-h-h, how I miss the feeling I get when those antioxidants are in my bloodstream. It makes me feel so good. The combination of XXX’s sweet taste and molecules that slow or prevent the oxidation of other molecules makes me feel invincible against free radicals. I don’t get that shit with the bitter-tasting broccoli or green tea.

The Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water gets its name from the three antioxidant-containing fruits in it — acai, blueberry, and pomegranate. With a flavor name like XXX, I expected it to taste like ball sack sweat and KY Jelly, but those three fruits form a delicious, sweet fruit punch flavor that I want so badly I would gladly kill for it.

Each bottle has 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet antioxidants, but unfortunately, 150 milligrams of it is Vitamin C, which I can easily get my hands on from any dealer who sells oranges or Sunny Delight. It’s the other 50 milligrams of antioxidants that I want flowing through my bloodstream. Sure, it’s got 13 grams of sugar per serving, but that’s way less than one of my other former addictions, Mountain Dew.

O-h-h-h-h man, I totally need a fix.

(Nutritional Facts Per Serving (2.5 servings per container): 50 calories, zero fat, zero cholesterol, zero sodium, 13 grams of carbs, 13 grams of sugar, zero protein, 100% Vitamin C, 10% Vitamin B3, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Vitamin B5.)

Item: Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water
Price: $1.39 (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruit punch flavor. Lots of Vitamin C. Seems sweeter than other Vitamin Water flavors. 50 milligrams of antioxidants other than Vitamin C. Some amounts of B Vitamins. Velvet Revolver. Kosher. Electrolytes. Healthier than soda.
Cons: Vitamin C is the most plentiful antioxidant in the bottle, which is plentiful among dealers. Hard to find. My addiction to antioxidants. The demons in my head. Contains less than 1% juice. I would suck Coke’s cock for some. My former addiction to clown porn.

The new Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink maybe formulated for women, but that won’t stop me from drinking it because I’m not afraid to use women’s products. To be honest, I’ve used a number of them over the years. For example, tampons are great for small spills when a paper towel is way more than you need, douche bags make cheap water guns, and issues of Playgirl Magazine make awesome cockroach killers.

Sure, by drinking Bloom Energy I risk the chance of having the side effects I occasionally have when using women’s products, like the time when I tried to see if Secret deodorant really was strong enough for a man, which it was, and while I had it on, I broke out into my own Vagina Monologue and talked about my vagina and how it empowers me for about thirty minutes.

Other side effects I’ve had included, wanting to be in the audience for a taping of Oprah, watching Brad Pitt in Fight Club over and over again, and dry mouth, which now that I think about it, wasn’t really a side effect, but instead a 50-cent dare in college to suck on a tampon for one minute.

Bloom Energy comes in three flavors: Wild Berry, Cran Raspberry and Mango Passionfruit. Each flavor was very good, which was probably due to the fact that each was made from 50% juice. The Wild Berry was slightly tart, but sweet; the Cran Raspberry tasted like fizzy cranberry juice; and the Mango Passionfruit was more passionfruit than mango. I also had some of my female co-workers try Bloom Energy and they all said that each flavor would go well with alcohol.

They apparently are all lushes.

Not only does Bloom Energy taste good, it’s also kind of good for you. Each can has 100 calories (which most servings of energy drinks have), a full serving of fruit, 100% daily value of Vitamin C and five B vitamins, calcium and Vitamin D to support bone strength, other essential vitamins and nutrients, and antioxidants.

The only thing I don’t like too much about Bloom Energy is its caffeine content, which comes from white tea extract and guarana. The 74 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in each can maybe enough for the instant coffee crowd, but it’s definitely not sufficient for hardcore caffeine junkies who like an energy drink that puts the “rage” in beverage.

So did drinking Bloom Energy cause any side effects for me? Fortunately, while drinking each flavor, I didn’t have any — unless you count me painting my toenails in the shade Deep Passion Red as a side effect.

The Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink maybe not be made for a guy like me, but I like it a lot. So I’m hoping that me being called a “pussy” often might not make it seems so strange to have one in my hand.

(Editor’s Note: Tanya at Iateapie.net also reviewed the Bloom Energy Drink. She liked the taste and the nutritional value of it, but didn’t like the price. Also, thanks for the folks at Colburn for sending me some samples to review.)

Item: Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink
Price: FREE (MSRP $1.99 - 10.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Received from nice people at Coburn
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very tasty. 50 percent juice. Easy to drink. No HFCS. No artificial colors or flavors. Provides one serving of fruit. Vitamins and minerals. Antioxidants. Fat free. May go well with alcohol. Energy drinks that put the “rage” in beverage. Playgirl Magazine makes a great cockroach killer.
Cons: Not enough caffeine for hardcore caffeine junkies. The occasional side effects I have from using women’s products. Sticking a tampon in your mouth. I am a pussy.

Hi. Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero here, but you can call me Coke Vanilla Zero for short.

Ever since my cousin Coke Vanilla came back to store shelves, he’s been partying it up and acting like he’s the greatest thing since Diet Coke. But to be honest he’s more like New Coke. Anyway, when he came back, he brought me along with him, and I’m glad he did, but ever since, he’s dragged me to all the parties and nightclubs just to be his wingman

I hate being his wingman and I tell him that. I’d rather just stay at home, watch some HGTV, maybe a little Discovery Channel, while eating some popcorn and sipping on a Diet Pepsi. But somehow he guilts me into going by saying something like, “Our cousin, Coke with Lemon loved to be my wingman, and would be, if he were still alive.”

I loved Coke with Lemon and may he rest in peace in Discontinued Product Heaven, but he would do anything you told him to, because he was a fucking spineless moron. Maybe he fell one too many times at the bottling plant, I don’t know, but his bottle was half-empty, if you know what I mean. For example, just because he had lemon in him, he thought he was a frickin’ Sprite.

Anyway, back to my other moron cousin, Coke Vanilla.

Being his wingman is tough because he will usually choose the beautiful woman with either a friend that kind of looks like a 300-pound Lorena Bobbitt, a friend that has the personality of anything inanimate, or a scary looking friend who should have the words “cock block” tattooed on her forehead. I think he chooses these particular women with the crazy friends just to spite me.

I don’t even think I’m a good wingman. First off, I have nothing good to say about my cousin Coke Vanilla to make him seem appealing to women, unless I like my pants on fire, like a liar. Secondly, I have “Zero” in my name. Who’d want to talk to a guy with a last name like that, because it’s like having “Penis” as a last name. Sure, I have a decent body because I have no calories, no fat and no carbs, but that doesn’t matter because I don’t even taste very good and I get all nervous around women. There’s supposed to be vanilla in me, but I don’t even taste it. It’s like the line between vanilla flavor and the artificial sweetener taste is blurred with me.

Maybe my cousin Coke Vanilla is the better soda and maybe that’s the reason why he ends up with three Fantanas and I end up with the least attractive fourth Fantana, who also turned out to be crazy, needy, and for someone who dances a lot in the Fanta commercials, she sure doesn’t move much in bed. It’s like I’m doing it with a mannequin.

You know which one of the Fantanas I’m talking about.

Item: Coca-Cola Vanilla Zero
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Zero calories. Zero fat. Zero carbs. Decent body. Getting three Fantanas.
Cons: Can’t taste the vanilla. Not very good tasting. Horrible wingman. Having “Penis” as a last name. Getting the crazy, least attractive Fantana. Cock blockers.

Experts recommend that we drink at least eight glasses of water every day. Of course, drinking those eight glasses can help your complexion, aid weight loss, and at times, makes you think about wearing adult diapers to reduce the number of times you have to walk to the restroom each day.

Perhaps the hardest part about drinking eight glasses of water every day is the water itself. Water is the beverage equivalent of the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric — its content is very important, but it’s pretty boring.

Occasionally, I need to force myself to drink water, due to it being unexciting. When the situation arises, I like to think of water either as 7-Up without the carbonation and lemon-lime flavor; vodka without the fun, allergic reaction and blurted out secrets that I promised friends I would keep to myself; or tears from an angel.

I’m kind of exciting about the new PUR Flavor Options, which can possibly turn ordinary filtered tap water into something that’s the water equivalent of Canada’s Naked News — something different, refreshing and with a little bit of flavor. You can add as much or as little fruit flavor to your PUR filtered water with a push of a button.

PUR Flavor Options are available in a pitcher or faucet mount and comes in three flavors: raspberry, strawberry and peach. They contain no calories, sugars or dyes. PUR Flavor Options pitchers retail for $29.99, the faucet mounts at $49.99 and the flavor cartridges, which are sold in two-packs, retail for $9.99.

[Site:] Pur Flavor Options

I’ve never had a Clamato in my life, but I’m going to assume that the new Clamato Energia energy drink is possibly the worst energy drink idea EVER.

Sure, it’s got the usual ginseng, guarana, and taurine found in other energy drinks, but the reconstituted tomato juice concentrate mixed with reconstituted dried clam broth in the Clamato itself makes it as appealing as combing the armpit hairs of a juiced up Eastern European female bodybuilder with a voice that sounds like James Earl Jones.

Of course, being the masochistic bastard that I am, I would totally try the Clamato Energia…and possibly comb the armpit hairs of an Eastern European female bodybuilder on steroids. Although I’m allergic to shellfish, so drinking one may cause me to get hives or pass out.

Perhaps one of the more frightening things about the Clamato Energia is the possibility that it might be a gateway drink to even worse beverages, such as anything that contestants on Fear Factor would drink for $50,000 or an O’Doul’s.

[Via:] TIB reader Poncho
[Site:] Clamato