REVIEW: Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink

Silk Iced Latte Coffeehouse Drink Vanilla

I consider myself very lucky to have no food allergies. I’m allergic to dust, pollen, weeds, grass, animals, and I suspect just “going outside”, but I have no aversion to lactose, gluten, or anything else food-related.

This is fortunate for me, since I have very little self-control. If I ever became lactose intolerant, I would probably spend the rest of my life sharting myself, because I love dairy products and you’ll have to pry a slice of pizza with extra cheese out of my cold, dead hands. I’m assuming I died from diarrhea-related dehydration.

Many others are not as lucky as I, however. Fortunately, for those with an intolerance to cow milk, there’s soy milk!

I’ve known a few moo milk-drinkers who have tried soy milk and been all, “Ew, gross, this tastes and feels nothing like real milk.” Well, no, because it’s not cow milk. Please try not to faint from shock when something tastes different than something else because it’s made from completely different ingredients. God forbid you eat a tofu burger; you’d probably have a heart attack. Or not, because you’re much more likely to have a heart attack eating red meat.

I say all this like I’m the greatest lactose intolerant/vegan sympathizer out there. In reality, I’m a total asshole and constantly make fun of my hippy friends who are vegetarians, and deal out juvenile fart jokes to anyone I know who can’t eat dairy.

That said, I’ve quietly cheated on cow milk with soy milk quite a few times in my past. It had nothing to do with health – in fact, I generally have a natural aversion to anything that’s good for me – I just like the way it tastes, specifically the vanilla and almond varieties.

When I saw that Silk had come out with “iced latté coffeehouse drinks”, I immediately thought of Starbucks bottled Frappuccinos, and wondered how the two would compare. Before you get your panties in a bunch over the fact that lattés and cappuccinos are different, consider that these are pre-made store products, not drinks created by your favorite barista.

Silk’s Iced Lattés come in two flavors – vanilla and mocha. I chose vanilla simply because I prefer it over chocolate. Don’t get me started on people who think vanilla isn’t a legit flavor – I just spent two paragraphs defending soy milk, which goes against every opportunity-for-mockery bone in my body. Those are most of my bones, by the way.

Silk’s website sez: “Be your own barista with smooth, refreshing Silk Vanilla Iced Latte. A wholesome blend of Silk soymilk and espresso from premium Arabica coffee beans, our Iced Latte is deliciously dairy-free, with no artificial sweeteners, colors or flavors and no high-fructose corn syrup. Coffeehouse-quality taste, conveniently located in your home fridge.”

Right off the bat, I like that they don’t use HFCS, because I’m a total snob about that. On a sarcastic note, I also like that they’re too lazy to use the é in “latte”, despite it being obviously present on the carton. Hey Silk, it’s not that hard to learn alt codes. Or copy and paste the symbol off of Wikipedia, which is what I’m doing for this éntiré réviéw. See how easy that is?

Now then, to the drink itself.

Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink is a little thicker than normal Silk soy milk, but not quite as thick as a Frappuccino, or a latté you’d get at an actual coffee house. This is to be expected, since soy milk is generally more watery than moo milk. I don’t usually mind this, but when you start getting into fancypants coffee territory, viscosity is important, and Silk juuuuuust missed the mark on creaminess.

Silk Iced Latte Coffeehouse Drink Vanilla Closeup

What it may lack in texture, Silk iced latte makes up for in flavor. I could immediately taste the vanilla, and it wasn’t just “soy milk vanilla”, it was “shot of vanilla syrup” vanilla, which is important in a coffee drink. It also had just the right amount of sweetness, which is something I can’t even say for some other coffee drinks – I’ve had some vanilla lattés that were so sweet they made my stomach hurt afterwards.

As for the coffee itself, I found its flavor to be a little lacking. Not in quality, but in quantity. There was a nice coffee finish, but it was too muted. I like my share of fru-fru coffee drinks, but I also want it to actually taste like coffee. In a perfect drink, I like my vanilla and coffee flavors to be about 50/50. I felt like in this drink, it was more 70/30.

Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink isn’t perfect – the consistency is a little too thin, and the coffee flavor too muted – but if you’ve been looking for a lactose-free, gluten-free alternative to Starbucks bottled vanilla Frappuccino, this drink isn’t too shabby. The non-HFCS sweetness and vanilla flavors are pleasant, and it does actually have some caffeine in it. Although the carton does not specify how much, the Silk website says it has 64 milligrams of caffeine per serving. All in all, it’s a decent off-the-shelf coffee soy drink.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 100 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Silk Iced Latté reviews:
The Good Karma Kitchen

Item: Silk Vanilla Iced Latté Coffeehouse Drink
Purchased Price: $3.49 (on sale; regularly $4.59)
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice vanilla flavor. Juvenile fart jokes. Just the right amount of sweetness. Caffeine. No high-fructose corn syrup.
Cons: Coffee flavor was too muted. Sharting. Could have been creamier. Silk’s copy writers being too lazy to put an accent mark over the “e” in “latté”.

NEWS: Silk Fondles Coconuts To Get Milk; Stroking Rice Stalks To Make Milk Is Probably Next

Silk PureCoconut Milk

Silk is extremely good at turning plants into milk. It started with soy, then last year they expanded to almond, and recently they’ve added their new Silk Pure Coconut coconutmilk. I imagine it must be more pleasant to have plants to milk instead of cows.

No manure to accidentally step in. No moo-ing. No tail to accidentally whip you. No open mouth chewing to look at. No desire to ride on its back. No getting attached to it, making it a part of your family, having to put it down when you need to put food on the table, and then having to eat it. No jealous bulls to impale me when I stroke a cow’s back.

Silk Pure Coconut has 50 percent more calcium than dairy milk and is an excellent source of vitamin D and vitamin B12. It comes in two flavors: Original and Vanilla. The Original has 80 calories per serving, while the Vanilla has 90 calories. Like all of Silk’s milks, Pure Coconut is produced without using GMO (genetically modified organisms) ingredients. Silk Pure Coconut coconutmilk is available now nationwide.

THE DAY IN REVIEWS – 1/5/2011

Come'on, which brand did you *think* I'd go with??

Here are a few product review posted today from other blogs we follow.

Now that the holidays are over I can look forward to heavily discounted egg nog, even the faux stuff. (via I Ate A Pie)

Chocolate that smells like perfume? Oh great. I wonder how long before someone makes chocolate that smells like strippers. You put your stripper on my chocolate! You put on chocolate in my stripper! (via Chocablog)

Margaret’s Hope Silver Moon kind of sounds like a craft beer name, but it’s a tea name. I noticed a lot of tea names sound like beer names. So does that make Lipton the Bud Light of the tea world? (via Teaviews)

Combining gingerbread and toffee into a chocolate bar seems tame for a holiday candy bar from Vosges, the same company that put bacon into a bar. I really expected mistletoe berries, Christmas tree needles or reindeer jerky. (via The Candy Enthusiast)

REVIEW: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate

Silk Mint Chocolate Soy Milk

Do your children still believe in Santa Claus?

Good. Keep lying to them and recommend that instead of plain white milk, which “Santa” throws out anyway, they should pour a glass of Silk’s Mint Chocolate Soymilk to go with the cookies they leave out for Santa.

If your children ask you why Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate, tell them leaving the special seasonal flavor of soymilk might encourage Santa to leave them a better gift, like a pony, a mommy and daddy who don’t fight all the time, or the greatest gift of all, a $1,000 iTunes gift card.

Of course, if they leave out the mint chocolate-flavored soymilk for Santa, they won’t wake up to any of those awesome gifts, unless you robbed a ranch or Apple Store. But you can console them by saying, “Maybe Santa didn’t leave you a pony because you were a little too naughty this year. What do you have to say for yourself? Is there anything you’d like to admit?”

Why lie to your children in order to get them to pour a glass of this flavored soymilk for Santa? Because you’re probably tired of plain white milk, Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is tasty, and because, admit it, lying to your kids is so easy to do.

Children are so dumb… I mean, gullible… I mean, innocent.

No, on second thought, since I don’t have children, I mean dumb.

I think Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is good enough to make up for the compounded lies and therapy your offspring might have to go through to get past trust issues. Also, if you have no guilt or conscience, I believe the soymilk will taste much sweeter.

Silk Mint Chocolate Cup

Unfortunately, the soymilk’s chocolate flavor wasn’t what I was expecting. I was hoping it would be as chocolatey as Silk’s regular chocolate soymilk, but just like the drinks at strip clubs, it was slightly watered down. However, the soymilk has the right amount of mint flavor. There’s just enough so that you know it’s there, but it doesn’t overpower, much like the amount of cologne a gentleman puts on.

The Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate isn’t perfect, but I think it’s the best of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors, which also include Nog and Pumpkin Spice. Also, I think if you add a little Baileys Irish Cream, it will make the toy below slightly less annoying, if your child asks Santa for it.

If you can’t see the video, click here

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 90 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 30% vitamin D, 4% folate, 8% magnesium, 10% iron, 25% riboflavin, 50% vitamin B12 and 2% zinc.)

Item: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate
Price: $3.79
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors. Lactose, dairy and cholesterol free. No saturated fat. Tastes good warmed up. Ponies. Contains a bunch of vitamins and minerals. A $1,000 iTunes gift card.
Cons: Unexpectedly weak chocolate flavor. Slightly disappointing amounts of protein. Seasonal flavor. Watered down drinks at strip clubs. Your children having to go to therapy due to trust issues caused by being lied to. Annoying Christmas gifts.

NEWS: Silk To Release New Holiday Flavor, But I’m Not Sure Which Holiday It’s For

Update: Read a Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate review here

Silk, maker of soy products that are dairy-free, lactose-free, cholesterol-free and silk-free, is releasing a new holiday soy milk flavor this season alongside their current holiday flavors: Pumpkin Spice and Nog. The new Silk Mint Chocolate has the potential to be the best of three since I believe Silk knows how to make a mean chocolate soy milk.

While it sounds good, I’m not sure what holiday Silk Chocolate Mint represents. It’s easy to determine which holidays Silk’s two other flavors are for. Pumpkin Spice is for Halloween/Thanksgiving and Nog is for Christmas. Mint Chocolate could be a Christmas flavor, or it could honor National Chocolate Mint Day on February 19th.

A one cup serving contains 90 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.

Silk Mint Chocolate will be available for a limited time, hopefully until February 19th, and come in quart and half gallon sizes.